Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "It was like a boobie trap...Literally"

This week's episode began with Angie, the former Miss Teen Utah, dry humping the bejezus out of Malcolm in the shelter under the guise of "staying warm" at night.

The Mormon faith doesn't endorse dry humping just for the sake of dry humping, so you better have a good excuse...Like staying warm or being on BYU's spring break. 

That didn't sit too well with their fellow Matsing tribe member, Roxy, who's own religious beliefs make Joseph Smith look like a progressive. "So I wake up in the middle of the night, and Malcolm and Angie were there like cuddling, like full on cuddling."

Even Malcolm seemed to recognize that his relationship with Angie Layton was making him a target saying, "I kept having to say to myself, 'Don't get boobie blanked, don't get boobie blanked, you're here to play Survivor...But there's no denying, that's a good looking girl.'"

Russell Swan also agreed with Roxy's assessment regarding Malcolm and Angie's relationship, but I'm not sure if it's because he's just as religious as she is, or if it's because he's obligated to have her back since they're two of the token black members in the game this year.

"Angie, a hot young chick, and it looks like she's got some boob thing going on. They're popping up all over the place. I don't blame him for wanting to go slap and tickle....(But) you get your bag on somewhere else."

My friend who was stationed in San Diego while in the Navy always looked forward to BYU's spring break week because of their saying,  "God can't see over the mountains." As a member of the military it's too bad that he was talking about the guys and not the girls, because Angie Layton has two pretty big mountains.

After spending 30 minutes of the show talking about Angie Layton's fake boobs, and justifiably so, the episode shifted to Tandang, where RC finally found the clue to the tribe's hidden Immunity Idol in the rice basket.

While she's a little thick right now, RC Saint-Amour is one of those girls on Survivor who's going to look totally amazing if she can figure out how to stick around long enough to get emaciated.

Trying to keep her closest ally in the loop, RC told Abi-Maria about the clue to the Idol, only to have her question her loyalty for talking "secretly" with injury prone Michael Skupin...About how he had managed to cut himself yet again for like the fifth time in just three days.

She may not be Bo Derek, but and she might be crazy, but Abi-Marie Gomes definitely has some curves working in her favor.

Former child star Blair from The Facts of Life remained isolated from the rest of the Tandang Tribe, electing to head off into the jungle alone like certain Native American elders do when they can no longer contribute to the tribe and are cast off to die.

To make matters worse for Lisa, her younger tribe mates mistook her social anxiety for her sneaking off to look for the hidden Immunity Idol...If "find the hidden Immunity Idol" really means "go out into the woods to cry."

Mindy Cohen

Peter went so far as to say about Lisa Whelchel, "She's like a dog that keeps escaping the fence in the back yard, eventually you have to shoot it." Sadly, if I ever had to apply that phrase to a former The Facts of Life star, I would have bet 10-1 odds that someone would have been talking about Natalie, but not Blair.

At the Kalabaw Tribe, former Major League Baseball player Jeff Kent acknowledged that the weather was starting to get too him, but at least he had the advantage of using his signature racist mustache to stay warm and dry.

..Relatively speaking, of course.

Meanwhile, Jonathan really did secretly search for Tandang's hidden Immunity Idol when the rest of the tribe took shelter from the rain in a cave, only to be caught in the act by Dana, who seemed to buy his story that the rain had washed out one of his contacts and that he was just digging under the shelter to look for his glasses.

The only cave I'm seeing in this frame is Jonathan Penner's, and I'm thinking that going there is probably not such a good idea.

Back at Matsing, Roxy seemed to struggle with both the weather and her faith. "Being in Seminary school and of Christian Faith, I thought that would give me great strength within this game, but with it being so rainy and freezing cold."

And while a little rain was enough for Roxy to question her religion, Denise took more of a "me, myself and I approach" to her spirituality and gameplay.

"I don't pray for anything. Anything that's going to get me to the end of the game is gonna be me...We have another challenge coming up. Not once does my mind go to, 'God, help me win this challenge.' No, Dig in, dig deep, and make it happen."

And just as I was about to say "Amen" to Denise, the sun suddenly came out and proved that there really is a God. Pleased that God was favoring her game over that of the non-religous contestants, Roxy had a beautiful moment and began to speaking in tongues...And when I say it was "beautiful," I mean that bitch be bat-shit crazy.

The Immunity Challenge consisted of each tribe pairing up in groups of two to retrieve a series of puzzle pieces while pulling a sled, and then having a caller shout out instructions to the remaining tribe members as they worked on solving the puzzle.

As Matsing tried to set their rotation, Russell asked both Angie and Roxy if they'd be willing to run two legs on the the sled.

Thinking that Survivor's challenges are just optional, kind of like the swimsuit competition at the Miss America pageant, Angie responded by saying, "Not Really."

With Angie refusing to step up, Roxy saw an opportunity to leapfrog her in Matsing's pecking order and said, "I've been drinking less water, so it really doesn't make sense for me to go twice."

And after establishing that they might not have the brightest tribe in the history of Survivor, Matsing finished in last place, sending them to Tribal Council.

Sylvester spent the better part of his leg trying to get a good look at RC Saint-Amour's boobs for Tandang, which was still a better strategy than anybody had for Matsing.

Fortunately, Tandang still managed to win the Immunity Challenge, which gave them a tarp, blankets and pillows as a reward. It also lead to one of the greatest scenes in Survivor history since Jenna and Heidi decided to get naked for peanut butter in Survivor: Amazon.

Knowing that she and Angie were the most likely to get voted out, Roxy went on the offensive and called out Angie's relationship with Malcolm.

"This is why companies don't like fraternization, it spoils a group, which ironically is the same reason why corporations don't like having ultra religious people who run around trying to convert everybody on their payroll.

Malcolm lightly defended himself by saying, "I'm like flesh an blood. If a good looking blond girl's gonna throw her arm and a leg over me, I'm not going to push her away."

That caused Denise to say, "Please don't be blinded by the headlights."

And thanks to Denise's comment about Angie Layton's boobs, I finally get the reference in the Wallflowers song One Headlight. That is, aside from the part where there was only one of them...Seriously, someone needs to explain that song to me in the comments.

Tribal Council was one for the ages, with Jeff Probst asking Angie what the one thing she could change in the game in light of the Matsing Tribe getting ready to lose their second member after just the first two weeks.

When Angie dumbfounded America by responding to that question by requesting "cookies," it renewed the debate about whether or not CBS should go back to casting real people like the Sue Hawk's and Colby Donaldson's, as opposed to aspiring models, pageant queens, and tiny little members of the Hantz redneck clan. 

When Malcolm asked Roxy why his relationship with Katie bothered her, Roxy responded by saying, "It was like a boobie trap...Literally."

Despite Roxy and Russell's best efforts, the white people still won out and sent Roxy home by a 4-1 vote instead of Angie.

And while Matsing didn't win blankets and pillows as a reward at the Immunity Challenge like Tandang did, Malcolm, that decision left Malcolm with two pillows to sleep on for at least one more week.

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