Monday, July 23, 2012

The Bachelorette Blog - "'I'm not going to be the girl that gets engaged 15 times before she gets married"

As we began the final episode of The Bachelorette, Chris Harrison promised us the most shocking television moment of the summer.

True to his word, we quickly found out that finalist Jef was related to to Survivor super-villain Russell Hantz, just like every other personality on reality TV.

Unlike Ricky Hendricks' family, Emily's parents showed up for the finale.

Lucky for Emily, her ex-fiance had a net worth of $15 million when he died, and his family bought her that big house in Charlotte before they disowned her for whoring herself out on national TV.

First up was Jef, who met with Emily's brother, who took a shovel to the face in a horrific West Virginia bar fight that left him without the ability show show any type of emotion or facial expression.

Jef earned the favor of Emily's father by asking for his permission to marry and buying him a case of beer.

Emily's parents had their guard up when Arie entered the house, but he won them over with his ability to drive race cars and pay for expensive things. Emily's mom, Suzy, then reminded her to weigh her financial options before getting engaged.

Emily's mom seemed a bit apprehensive as she tried to remember if she ever had had a one night stand with Arie's father, racing legend Cari Luyendyk, because there's no fucking way that Emily and her brother came from the exact same genetic stock.

After Jef asked Emily some difficult questions about what it would be like to help raise a handicapped daughter, Emily finally broke down and decided to introduce him to little Ricki because she felt so strongly for him.

Jef said, "I've been waiting to see her for so long...She's funny, creative and wild, and like she's like so fun. And I don't even know how to describe it," as he was looking for the polite way of asking Emily whether or not her daughter was mentally retarded.

We also caught a glimpse of a tattoo on Jef's arm. which may said "Thug Life." That obviously threw Emily for a loop considering that she's dated country music singers Jake Owen and Jerrod Niemann, because everybody knows that rap and country just don't mix...That is, everyone except for Nelly and Tim McGraw.

Before Emily went on her date with Arie, she had decided that she was going to choose Jef, so she pretended to cry to Chris Harrison for a few minutes as she thought about the racing life that she was about to leave behind.

Emily then met with Arie to break the news to him. Arie told Emily that he was "shocked," and then slammed the car door on her as he raced off to re-connect with Emily's friend and his former girlfriend, Bachelorette producer Cassie Lambert.

In the end, Emily chose to become part of Jef's bottled watter empire, saying, "I'm not going to be the girl that gets engaged 15 times before she gets married," which was a bit overly dramatic considering that this is only her third engagement by the age of 26.

As Emily accepted Jef's proposal, little Ricki came running out, reminding us all that a 6 year-old is not too young to start wearing a training bra.

After the Final Rose, we learned that Arie flew to Charlotte to get an explanation from Emily. However, Emily presumably ignored Arie's advances, just like she ignored the journal that he left with her to win her over.

Strangely, Arie and Jef remain close friends even though Arie flew to Charlotte after the show to try and win Emily back.

Surprisingly, red Solo cups don't prevent birth defects if you drink while you're pregnant.

We also learned that Emily and Jef are still a happy couple, and that he plans on moving to North Carolina where they will try to start having children...And if they're lucky, the next one won't be born with a disability.

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