Wednesday, July 11, 2012

The Bachelorette Blog - "From Dollywood to Curacao, who would have thunk it"

While Emily and the remaining men traveled to Curacao for the Fantasy Suite episode, we actually returned right back to where things got started, as the "Batch-Copter" and Emily's special little daughter made their triumphant returns.

While the "Batch-Copter" and Emily's daughter are back, unfortunately, there was no word on what happened to the random Indian lady who kept following Emily and her friends around.

Sean and Emily then flew off to sight see around the island. Despite the romantic charms of the "Batch-Copter," Sean began to experience some emotional dysfunction when it came telling Emily that he loved her, and there were no little red heart-shaped pills in sight to help him out.

As Emily questioned Sean about his feelings for her, all he was able to say was, "I've already told you that I'm crazy about you. It's been like that ever since London."

And as Emily eagerly waited for him to confess his undying love for her, Sean pretty much sealed his fate by saying, "I forgot what I was going to say," before awkwardly changing the subject to going snorkeling.

I hope this bikini picture answers the question once and for all as to whether or not Emily Maynard has fake boobs. The correct answer is no. They're real...Just like her teeth.

Rather than tell Emily that he loved her, Sean ended up writing a letter to her daughter Ricki. After reading it, he then sat and smiled like he had just completed writing a thesis even though he just wrote down all the things that everyone knew Emily would want to hear.

Sean finally got the balls to tell Emily that he loved her...Well, kind of. "Love to me means can't stand to spend the rest of your life with anybody else." He then tempered that not by saying that she was the only person he wanted to spend his life with, but rather that, "I cannot stop thinking about you."

When Emily and Sean were presented with the opportunity to spend the night together in the Fantasy Suite, I was shocked that she invited him up given that her relationship with Brad Womack dissolved after she found that he had "tried out" the Fantasy Suite with her chief competition, Shawntell.

I think I stayed in the same "Not-so Fantasy Suite" in a Ramada during my last business trip to Paducah, Kentucky.

And just when it looked like Sean might get the opportunity to "Fantasy Suite" the living bejesus out of her, Emily politely kicked him out because she did not feel like spending the night together would reflect well upon her as a role model, mother and recovering NASCAR groupie.

Jef's date with Emily consisted of a ride on a luxury yacht, where they got some quality beach time together.

An ass like this would be a black man's dream...It's just too bad that Jef isn't into black guys.
Emily Maynard's ass Emily Maynard fake breasts

Unlike Sean, Jef earned bonus points with Emily by asking her some tough questions about the logistics of a potential of a future life together, as well as the reasons why she thought some of her past relationships failed.

Based upon her past relationships, Emily is clearly a good judge of character.

When offered the option of spending the night in the Fantasy Suite, Jef politely declined out of respect to their families, saying that there's a "time and place" for everything, and from what I'm told about people from Utah, it's called Spring Break in California..."Because God can't see over the mountains."

While Emily was touched by Jef's gentlemanly like action, she also commented that she was disappointed that he turned her down instead of vice versa...Mainly because she wants to make sure that she's the one who wears the skinny pants in their relationship.

In all fairness, Jef did say, "I plan on spending every night with you in our own little Fantasy Suite," which showed her that he's in for the long haul instead of a quick score, but that was obviously a bit new and confusing to someone like Emily.

Compared to Jef, Sean definitely got the ass-end of the Fantasy Suites.

Emily took Arie on a date to swim with the Dolphins. "One thing really cool that you can do in Curacao is go swimming with dolphins, like in the middle of the ocean."

Swimming with dolphins "in the middle of the ocean" is so much better than swimming with them in a pool like she did back during her high school days in Key West.

Arie seemed to forget that this was a competition to get engaged, and not to see who got to get in Emily's pants first. "There's such a chemistry between us, it's hard to even talk. We always want to kiss each other."

Unfortunately, while that type of chemistry may make for a bitchin' ten minutes in the infield at the Indy 500, it may not be the greatest foundation for a long term relationship.

In reminiscing about their relationship Emily commented out loud, "From Dollywood to Curacao, who would have thunk it," which is the tentative title for her upcoming autobiography.

She also commented how "Everything is so perfect between us," temporarily forgetting the part where Arie hid the fact that he slept with one of her close friends before coming on the show.

Possibly giving a hint toward her final choice, Emily may have paid respect to Jef by not even giving Arie the option to spend time with her in the Fantasy Suite because she didn't "trust herself."

That was understandable, because just like you can't give a recovering alcoholic just one drink, and you can't let a recovering NASCAR groupie spend "just a little time" with a famous race car driver. Or as Emily said, she wanted to take him up to the suite and "Just enjoy him."

Much to Ryan and Chris' chagrin back in Bachelorette sequestration, Emily told Chris that she had no regrets regarding her decisions thus far, although she was pretending to struggle with who she was going send home at the upcoming Rose Ceremony.

Emily proceeded to give roses to Arie based upon their physical chemistry, and Jef because of their shared redneck gene, which is the same thing that makes Uncles in West Virginia bond with their nieces and nephews...But not in the good kind of way.

On the other hand, Sean was pretty much a walking poster that Emily had tacked up on her bathroom door, mainly because she knew that he would have been too busy looking at himself to watch her while she's pooping.

I'm thinking that Sean will find a way to get over Emily as soon as he's able to find a mirror.

Emily apparently did not rehearse a tactful break-up speech for Sean, as she walked him out by saying, "I don't know what to say...What are you thinking?"

Of course, that's kind of like asking somebody, "Exactly how hard did I just kick you in the nuts?" Sean's response of "I feel kind of stupid" was the classic narcissistic model reaction, although he did have a beef after Emily enticed him to tell her that he loved her even though she knew she was going to send him home.

When Sean questioned her about how much she had disappointed him, Emily broke out a textbook chick move and began crying.

Emily needed to cry so fast to avoid her conversation with Sean that she had to resort to covering her face with her hands when she realized that she couldn't produce any fake tears on such short notice.

That brings the field down to just a closet redneck and a race car driver, and what a cruel twist of fate it is that Emily will be forced to choose just one of those traits in her future husband.

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