Thursday, August 2, 2012

The Big Brother 14 Blog: "Go ahead, eat your fucking Fruit Loops"

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With the contestants clearly looking to their All-Star coaches for strategy, Mike Boogie approached Dan to form an alliance by asking, "Are you ready to Will it up with me," referring to the Evil Dr. Will who carried Boogie for two seasons in their "Chill Town" alliance.

That left Britney and Janelle to partner up, or as Boogie called it, "The Blond Ambition Alliance," which he became an honorary member of for continuing to frost his hair like it was still 1999.

With Russell Hantz's brother having been named the first Head of House by Britney, she was able to join him for the week in the HOH Room as his coach.

That left Britney "There is some weirdness about there not being a door. Here's good old Willie, you know, snuggled up in bed. I'm like, what, ten feet away? It's a little awkward."

There's nothing quite like a guy like Willie Hantz, who apparently smokes his weed out of a sperm shaped pipe just to make a girl feel at ease.

With Russell Hantz's brother in the house, Ian understandably confused Big Brother with Survivor and began searching around the house for the secret immunity idol at night in nothing but a pink pair of boxers.

Britney stated in horror that, "For someone who can remember every single thing about every single episode in this game, maybe he should remember that the HOH has a television where we can follow you all across the house," as they asked, "Did he just wipe that on his butt?"

Ian went on to stick his butt out and fart while saying, "That sounds sick, but no one's here so...."

Ian's creepiness began to rub the other contestants and coaches like Janelle the wrong way, jeopardizing his spot in the house. "Ian is driving me insane. I still haven't been able to get a shower without Ian lurking around the bathroom...trying to get a peek.

Don't flatter yourself Janelle...Ian was just trying to figure out what the hell those red marks above your boobs are.

In the first ever Coaches Competition, the coaches started at the opposite ends of a greased up track and raced to catch up to the person they were competing against and pull off their "horse tail."

With the winner getting the power to grant safety to one of their team members and also choose the week's Have-Nots, Dan decided to throw the competition to try and show weakness. That left Mike Boogie to beat Janelle in the finals, who wisely elected to keep Ian safe.

While he was safe from elimination, Ian still became a Have-Not where he was forced to eat slop and sleep in an inferior bedroom. However, that didn't seem to phase the young aficionado of the game.

"As a huge fan of the show I've always wanted to try the slop...It's not pleasant, but it's not awful," and, "I pass out on bathroom floors at school all the time." Strangely, so does Wil...They're just different types of "bathrooms" than the ones Ian sleeps in.

While some of the contestants were thankful that they had a chef to cook for them with Joe in the house, Britney worried that he was preparing too much of their food at one time instead of rationing it. "We're going to have to learn to eat tea-bags."

Fortunately, the rest of the house has former Playboy Playmate Kara Monaco to show them how it's done.

At the Nomination Ceremony, Russell's Brother ignored his promise to align himself with Frank, and nominated him along with Kara. That left Mike Boogie and Dan with their two strongest players on the block, much to Boogie's disbelief.

"Here's the thing, I'm Mike Boogie. If you're going to nominate one of my players, you might have a little trouble coming your way," and, "Lying in the Big Brother house, it happens. Here's what you don't want to do, lie to me."

After establishing that he's a 43-year old man who calls himself "Boogie," Mike let it drop that there is apparently a secret twist in the game where Evil Dr. Will is going to return and coach Boogie what to do, because that is the only way that he's ever go anywhere in the game.

Janelle was more than pleased that she and Britney pulled one over on Boogie. "Duping Boogie this week, it feels fantastic, because he feels like he's the best player in this game and his ego is enormous."

You know what they say about guys with big egos...

As Ian tried to regain the favor of his fellow contestants by joking around and showing them how he could literally kick himself in the face, Mike Boogie dropped the first hint that he was realizing that it was Evil Dr. Will, and not himself that made "Chill Town" such a strong alliance.

"I went from two seasons in an alliance with Dr. Will, the greatest player in Big Brother history. Now I'm in an alliance with Ian, the young man who knows how to kick himself in the face. Somebody kick me."

Kara and Ian are used to getting hit in the face, albeit with different body parts.

Shane sneakily tried playing both sides, kissing up to both nominees on the block.

First, he was a little too excited when Kara asked him into the room alone with her to plead her case. "If we're alone in the same room, you never know whats going to happen." He then told her that he'd take her off the block if he won POV.

Shane then proved that he's bi-curious by talking to Frank. "You're jacked dude. The way we work out," referring to how he thought they were both targets as the two biggest physical threats.

Meanwhile, Mike Boogie tried to save his players kissing up to Britney, who was not buying what he was selling. "Here we are, day six and Mike Boogie decides it''s a great time to introduce himself to me."

When Boogie threatened Britney even though her team was not in charge of HOH for the week, she shot him down. "I feel like you're giving me an ultimatum now, and it's not my ultimatum to give...So sweet."

That talk left Britney saying, "I thought Boogie was supposed to be good at this game," and Boogie with his tail between his legs. "My talk with Britney didn't go so well."

In the Veto Competition, the competitors had to wear swimsuits while retrieving coins from suds and tossing them into a giant coin slot.

When Wil had difficulty inserting his coins, Joe yelled (because he ALWAYS yells), "MY BUDDY WIL IS HAVING A TOUGH TIME HITTING THE SLOT," possibly not considering that Wil simply isn't the type of guy who even wants to hit the slot.

Shane went on to win the POV, who briefly considered using it against the advice of his coach, Britney. Ultimately, he elected not to use it despite Frank's desire to show him "Appreesh," and Kara's offer to show him her tits.

In the HOH Room, Britney confided to Russell's Brother that she tought that the coaches would ultimately enter the game since there were key holes by their pictures and not enough contestants to last the season.

Willie then immediately called a "contestants only" meeting where he spilled the beans on Britney's hypothesis. "You see them keys by their names!"

However, the rest of the house wasn't entirely eager to start ignoring their coaches and play for themselves as Willie suggested. As Wil said, "I don't know about y'all, but I'm taking a 24-hour break from game talk altogether."

Joe sold out Willie by telling Frank that he had suggested splitting votes against him and Kara so nobody could tell who voted against him.

Joe also told Wil how Willie had mocked his decision not to talk strategy by repeating what Wil said in a less than flattering feminine voice.

Wil was not pleased. "I do not tolerate one freakin' ounce of anyone making fun of anybody," although he did admit that his second biggest guilty pleasure was eating at Chick-fil-A.

Shit hit the fan when Russell Hantz's Brother confronted Shane by saying that he had been going out of his way to save him, even though he was the one who broke his promise to Frank by putting him on the block after he had made a deal promising not to.

When Frank asked, "Is that all the way true," Russell's Brother snapped back, "Don't fuck with me now brother."

Frank called Russell's Brother's bluff by disclosing, "You wanted some of the Janelle's players to vote against me so you would look good and I would go against them."

That caused Russell's Brother to storm off and say, "This is getting to be bull crap right here," because he knew his master plan had unraveled week one.

Even though he had been caught red handed in a lie, Willie did save face by laying down the law on what he could and couldn't do around the house.

"I'm not gonna be awkward. I'm a grown ass man. When I come in to get somethin' to eat, I'm gonna sit down there and eat some food, Fruit Loops or whatever."

Frank clearly backed down in fear, as he said, "Go ahead, eat your fucking Fruit Loops. I'm not worried about it." He then added, "Whoever wants to vote for me, vote for me. Whoever wants to vote for Kara, vote for Kara too."

At his final speech before the Eviction Vote, Frank delivered a Public Service Announcement on behalf of CBS.

"Nobody should let a bully dictate how they play this game...Because bullying is not okay outside this house, or inside this house. If your coaches are telling you to get rid of me, think about what's best for your game. If your coaches are telling you to keep me, please listen to your coaches."

In a 5-3 vote, Kara was evicted from the game. Or as Joe hollered, "KARA, YOU GOT THE LOOKS, BUT YOU AIN'T GOT THE GAME...I LOVE YA, (YOU) LOOK GOOD, GO BACK TO MODELING!"

In preparation for the HOH Competition, the house guests were awakened throughout the night with news reel clips about a "Big Brother Break In," and for some reason the cat-burglar was wearing a striped prison suit, even though he was yet to be caught or arrested.

At the HOH Competition, the players were asked true or false questions about various facts from those clips that they were supposed to remember despite their sleep deprived state. Frank then won the competition, going from the chopping block to HOH.

Big Brother 14 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Episode 1:

10. Willie Hantz - Instead of using his power as HOH to build relationships as Britney had hoped, Russell's Brother alienated himself further by breaking his word with Frank and then getting called out about it in front of the rest of the house. Some contestants might be able to survive that, but not those who are related to Russell Hantz.

Okay Russell's Nephew, we get it...You Hantz boys like to use your tongues like they're shoe-horns for penises.
Brandon Hantz

9. Joe Arvin - For some reason this Kentucky Wildcat fan from Lexington can't speak without yelling.

Apparently yelling is Joe's way of compensating for having absolutely nothing of interest to say while in the BB house.

8. Jenn Arroyo - Jenn's tattoos might as well be camouflage, because she's been absolutely non-existent in the house thus far.

7. Wil Heuser - On every recent season of Big Brother there has been a gay man who tries way to hard to be like Ragan from Season 12 and give witty one liners in the confessional room.

Hey Wil Heuser, David Lee Roth called and he wants his assless spandex pants back.

6. Ian Terry - Ian's a bit of a threat given that he's a historian of the game and on Mike Boogie's team. He's also fairly week from a social standpoint, and his willingness to be a Have-Not week in and week out should take some of the target off him so long as he refrains from farting and rubbing his ass on Janelle.

5. Ashley Loco - Ashley comes across as being almost no threat whatsoever, which should allow her to go fairly far in the game given her likable personality...Plus, she supplies all the weed to the house guests.

4. Jojo Spatafora - If Britney was born in Staten Island or Jersey, I could see her ending up looking and talking just like JoJo. Instead, she turned out to be fairly classy, witty and smart...Which is odd considering she's from Arkansas.

JoJo Spatafora clearly uses her boobs to divert the attention away from her throat piercing.

3. Danielle Mumphree - Danielle seems to be in either an alliance or a showmance with Shane. If it's an alliance, she's in good shape. If it's a showmance, she'll be going home sooner rather than later.

2. Frank Eudy - Frank is playing the game hard, maybe a little too hard. Being Mike Boogie's prized student will put a huge target on his back, but for now he's safe as HOH.

1. Shane Meaney - Not only does Shane appear to be a strong competitor, but he's also secretly playing both sides of the social game, which should benefit him so long as he doesn't get caught.

Shane Meaney's clearly the guy who's going to use his experience on Big Brother to pose naked for Playgirl.

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