Sunday, July 1, 2012

The Bachelorette Blog - "I want to date you so hard and marry the fuck out of you"

This week the cast traveled to Prague. Noticably absent were Emily's daughter and girlfriends, as well as the random Indian lady who kept lurking in the background.

With only five guys remaining, it was announced that there would no longer be a rose handed out for the 1-on-1 dates, essentially guaranteeing that Wolf (a/k/a John), would make it until the end of the episode before Emily sent him home.

The first 1-on-1 date went to Arie, whom I've referred to numerous times as a "famous" IndyCar driver.

In actuality, he's only "famous" because his dad was a famous IndyCar driver, although he did actually qualify to drive in one Indy 500 race.

With only one major race under his belt, if you compared Arie's time on the IndyCar Circuit with Ryan Bowers' "pro football" career in the Arena Football League, Arie is still 100x more famous of an athlete than Ryan, mainly because crappy IndyCar drivers still get paid more than $15.00/hour and work more than three hours a week.
While Arie has clearly been the favorite to win the right to have Emily as his groupie from the start of the season, recent reports have linked him as a notorious womanizer before he came on the show.

In fact, the only reason he came on the show is because he used to fuck date Cassie Lambert, who is the show's Producer.
Did I mention that Cassie Lambert also just happens to be one of Emily's closest friends?" Or that Emily had no idea that her friend had previously "dated" Arie?

Here's Cassie Lambert with either Arie, Ben, or Constantine...Jesus, I'm so fucking confused with this whole incestual reality TV community, but at least they all have pretty hair.

If I was Emily, I'm not sure if I'd find it more disturbing that her friend had brought an ex-boyfriend on the show to become a contestant, or that Arie used to get naked with somebody as ugly as Cassie Lambert.

With Arie unaware that Emily knew of this prior relationship, she took him on their 1-on-1 date and let him hang in the wind after asking him several questions about his honesty, and you could tell she was West Virginia backwoods, coonass serious by the way that she made-out with him several times before she actually confronted him.

And just when we were lead to believe that Emily had the lady-stones to drop a "quasi-famous" IndyCar driver from the show, Chris Harrison jumped in to give us a timeline as to when and how Emily learned about her good friend's prior relationship with her leading contender.

Chris went on to explain that Emily and Arie ended up having a conversation about the situation "off camera," which was his way of telling America that his camera man was out getting stoned when the most meaningful conversation of the entire season took place.

When the taped footage resumed, Emily and Arie had magically reconciled were sucking face and seemed closer than ever.

People say you can spot American tourists in Europe by the way they dress. Emily did her part by wearing sequin shorts and cowboy boots...Arie blended in because he's, well,  European.

We did hear Arie tell Emily that he loved her, which is pretty much the textbook move for any guy when your girlfriend realizes that you had previously screwed her best friend...Assuming that you want to continue boinking the current girlfriend.

Of course, Emily bought into the line and told Arie, "If things keep going this way, nothing could make me happier." That caused Arie to proclaim, "I feel like I'm on top of the world!"

In actually, Arie was just standing on top of a boat.

With a hometown date on the line, the next 1-on-1 date went to Wolf, who told Emily things like, "I have a very hard shell, I get that from my dad," and a bunch of other things that he should have told her at least 4 episodes ago. 

Wolf also told Emily that his ex-cheated on him right after their one year anniversary, which probably did nothing more for him than to leave her wondering why she cheated on him at such a milestone if he's supposed to be such a great catch.

Nonetheless, Emily and Wolf seemed to have a pretty decent first date until she dropped him off at the suite and Sean snuck out to chase after her, calling her name out through the streets of Prague.

When Sean finally caught up to her, Emily asked, "What are you doing out her walking by yourself?," knowing full well that her Producer asked her to stay there and wait for him to arrive.

Emily exclaimed, "There's absolutely nobody I'd rather see more than Sean right now." That is, except for Arie...and maybe Jef.

So to summarize, Wolf thought he beat Chris out for the final hometown date, but didn't realize that he couldn't hold a candle to Sean, who could never be a race car driver like Arie...That just leaves Jef as a wildcard. And when I say "wildcard," I mean the guy who may or may not be gay.

Emily confessed that she was going to send Doug home last week before deciding to give him another chance to try and develop a romantic connection. However, she was reminded of their lack of chemistry when their legs accidentally touched.

Doug quickly pulled back and said, "I'm old fashioned, sorry," before Emily said out of frustration, "Doug, don't worry, our legs were touching." Thankfully, Doug totally saved the romantic moment when he clarified, "It wasn't that, I was in the way. We're good."

Doug tried to explain his shyness by saying, "I wish she'd give me like the, 'Hey you big dummy, why don't you come give me a kiss' eyes."

Then, just as Emily was about to send him home, Doug made his big move...and attacked her with a quick little peck before leaning back and grinning.

Doug was so proud of himself...Almost as if he had just made his first poop in the toilet.

It finally hit Doug that Emily was in the process of eliminating him as he made his move, causing him to feel shame, as his last words to Emily were, "I feel really stupid for just giving you a kiss."

Fortunately, Doug had enough game in the 1990's to accidentally knock up his stripper ex-wife and become a dad, because now that he's single again he's got absolutely nothing left.

With Doug out of the picture, the Group Date turned into a 2-on-1 date between Sean and Chris. With a Group Date Rose still in the mix to be handed out, Emily shit in Chris' Easter Basket and gave it to Sean as Chris was forced to sit and watch.

At least Emily made things less awkward by saying, "So awkward...Chris, there's only one rose, and I hope you don't take it personally," to which Chris totally took it personally and said, "What kind of shit was that? If I don't get a hometown date I'll be scared for everyone around here."

Assuming that Chris was lucky enough to hit the redneck lottery and win Emily's hand, I'm pretty sure that he'll be regretting having uttered that line once Emily sees it on TV.

The second 1-on-1 Date went to Jef, whom Emily escorted to a creepy puppet store. Fortunately for Jef, he was able to communicate to Emily in ways through puppetry that he was never able to do through real life human contact.

Not to be too gay, but Jef's impromptu puppet show was actually quite charming. Unfortunately for Jef, if Emily was to marry him, he'd likely need to talk to her marionette free...Or at at the very least use a "Dale Jr." bobblehead as a buffer.

Sadly, Jef's marionette had more game than he does.

Emily seems to have some sort of weird attraction towards Chris, even though he totally seems like the guy who you would see standing by himself in the corner of a nudie bar trying to decide which stripper he was going to kill.

Not so surprisingly, Chris totally flipped out before the roses were handed out over how he reacted to Sean getting the rose on the Group Date. He told the guys, "This wasn't supposed to happen like this," before he interrupted the Rose Ceremony by saying, "Emily, I'm sorry, but I really need to talk to you."

As it turned out, Chris got the final rose anyway...Because either Emily is used to dating serial rapists, there was no security on hand and she was scared, or both.

Chris ended up looking like a pregnant lady with a glow by saying, "I'm seriously the happiest man in the world right now," successfully completing his manic cycle in less than two minutes.

In all honesty though, even Wolf would have been shocked to land the last hometown date considering that he and Emily hadn't hardly even talked to one another even though he somehow made his way into her final five.

And this week, we're off to the hometown dates. Here's to hoping that at least one of them has a county fair going so Emily can feel at home with all the carnie folk, pork rinds and port-a-jons festering with Hep-C...Well, either that or a NASCAR race.

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