With only one week until the finale, it was time for The Men Tell All episode, because there's nothing more manly than a bunch of dudes sitting around and gossiping about each other.
Emily began the show by talking with Chris Harrison about how her appearance on the show didn't negatively impact her six-year-old daughter, Ricki. "It didn't really affect her, she still got to have her time with mom."
Of course her daughter was called "baggage" by Kalon on national TV as the nation collectively sat and wondered if little Ricki was handicapped or not, but things like that apparently don't count.
Doug, the single dad, continued to stand up for Emily and little Ricki. "You don't refer to kids as baggage because kids can't help but be here."
Then again, Doug failed to consider that Emily didn't have to whore her daughter out in front of the camera as she tried to weed out the guys with their agendas in her shameless search to find another rich race car driver to become her boyfriend.
Chris Harrison reflected on Ryan's infamous comment about his potential mate gaining weight, "I would still love you, I just might not love on you as much," by saying by saying, "In the history of dumb comments by men..." before Emily interjected, "It might be in the top three."
Chris, who would fly into an angry tirade whenever the other guys knocked him for being immature, acknowledged that he acted childish during his time on the show, which proved their point in the most remedial of logic classes...and even Georgia.
When Chris gloated like a little kid about how their maturity didn't help them out much in the end when it came to Emily's final decision, Wolf reminded him that the show wasn't "a maturity contest," as Doug sighed in exasperation, "I don't know how many times we have to have this same conversation."
Chris was also put off by the fact that Ryan continued to pursue Emily even though he wasn't totally sure that he had feelings for her. "That personally offended me," to which Ryan replied, "You were offended by a lot of things."
When Ryan acknowledged that, "It was never fully about Emily, it was about me finding my wife," Chris shot back, "This was Emily's season, not your season."
Ryan claimed that he really wasn't "an arrogant ass," just that he was really confident in himself. I mean REALLY confident. "There's no doubt I'm confident in me, but I'm also confident in who God made me to be." I'm just hoping that ABC wins the bidding war to televise his resurrection.
Ryan also tried to explain that many of his comments that could have been construed as demeaning to women were taken out of context or were just bad moments when you're on camera 24/7 over six or seven weeks, to which Chris Harrison exclaimed, "You said a lot of things."
Oblivious to how slimy he comes across to women as, Ryan continued to lobby for being the star of ABC's next project, The Bachelor - Trailer Park. "If I was the Bachelor, I would open my heart up and it would be neat for everyone to see."
Chris quickly shit in Ryan's Easter basket by saying, "I want to speak for ABC and put everybody's mind at ease...NOT going to happen."
|Unfortunately, while Ryan Bower's confidence might have been NFL worthy, his talent, personality and facial hair were more on par with the Arena Football League.|
Never one to avoid putting himself in really awkward and/or hostile situations, when Chris was called on stage to take the hot seat he said, "I don't want to."
As Chris approached the stage the mic picked Chris Harrison asking, "What are you doing?" before he segued into his interview by saying, "Thanks for starting this off on a weird note."
If it wasn't clear already, it became readily apparent that Sean would be named the next Bachelor when Chris Harrison introduced him by saying, "Why wasn't Sean among the final two men this season? After all, Emily referred to him as 'marriage material' and 'the perfect guy.' What went wrong?"
Emily came out by saying how good it was to see Sean again, once again leaving Chris sitting next to him feeling confused, hurt and angry. Chris then proceeded to demand an explanation from Emily as to why Sean got the shout-out instead of him.
|Tony gave Emily a really awkward hug as she walked on stage, which was kind of like re-living Episode 3 for him all over again...Or any night out at the bar for that matter.|
Emily continued to hype Sean up to be the next Bachelor when she said,"What girl wouldn't want Sean?" Of course, she failed to mention that, much like his time on the show this season, even his interview on The Guys Tell All was boring.
Chris Harrison asked Emily about her extremely awkward moment with Doug, which was not quite as uncomfortable as Doug's awkward moment with Chris at the Highlander Games. "When you were breaking up with him, he tried to kiss you."
Emily did acknowledge that she wanted a kiss from Doug on their first date before saying, "Didn't do it there....Decided to wait for the break-up."
As Emily laughed, "I never had the break-up talk and my first kiss with someone in the same conversation," Doug responded by saying, "I kind of read that one wrong," which is like saying that Emily "kind of" likes being in front of the camera.
Next on the hot seat was Kalon, who tried to explain why he risked alienating himself from the other guys by arriving at the mansion to meet Emily at the mansion via a helicopter. "I think if anyone else had arrived that way I would have arrived that way been genuinely interested in to hear their story."
Personally, I don't think it's fair for the producers of The Bachelorette to vilify someone for taking such a keen interest in helicopters after making them seem so exciting romantic episode after episode, but then again, Kalon's not an 8 year-old boy, so perhaps he could have made a less douchey decision.
When Kalon read Emily an apology that had obviously be written by his publicist, she responded by saying, "You, my dear, should be a politician, because that is a load of crap I've ever heard."
Emily then revealed that she saw a post on Kalon's twitter account where he posted a picture of a baggage claim sign at an airport and tagged it by saying, "Thought for sure I'd see Emily Maynard here."
When Kalon tried to justify that post by saying it was just a joke, she pointed to yet another Tweet that he wrote after he was criticized for that caption saying, "Sorry I'm not sorry." That left Kalon a bit embarrassed, as the only response he could muster was, "I'm flattered you follow me on Twitter, I don't know what to say."
Emily then dismissed Kalon from the show yet again by saying, "I hope you find faith in something other than your Prada shoes and your rented helicopter." Emily went on to explain how Kalon's "used to being a big fish in a small pond," and we all know that Emily has a really big pond.
We did get to see a promo for the upcoming season of The Bachelor Pad, where Kalon arrives in a Porsche and Blakely from Ben's season of The Bachelor shows off her boobs and cries a lot. As Kalon is heard explaining, "I need the $250,000, helicopter fuel is expensive," as were Blakely's boobs.
Chris Harrison asked Emily about her relationship with Ryan. "You had a thing for this bad boy...What is it? Because - What is it?"
Emily later shed some light on her interest in Ryan when she explained her type of guy to Chris Harrison. "I always liked the guys that are like tattooed, and maybe a little homeless looking."
|Now that Emily has explained her attraction to Ryan, I'm still wondering what she saw in actual NFL player Jeremy Shockey...Aside from being a strong parental figure for her daughter.|
We also learned that Emily's parents actually make an appearance in the season finale next Sunday, where her dad is heard telling her, "I don't believe you can love two people at once," and her mom advises, "I encourage you to wait on any kind of an engagement."
But then again, it's not like Emily kept any of the poor contestants around, so it's not like they have to worry about having her get a pre-nup to protect their new money or anything.
Emily Maynard's parents rich