Thursday, June 28, 2012

The Bachelorette Blog - "Swallow it! Swallow it!...It's salty, isn't it?"

Having recently watched the History Channel's Hatfields and McCoys, I began to ponder what role Emily Maynard would have played in the family feud given that she, like the Hatfield family, is a native of West Virginia.

After considering that hypothetical question, I quickly came to the conclusion that Emily would have been the daughter who would have crossed family lines in order to fuck a NASCAR driver.

This week the cast traveled to Dubrovnic, Croatia, where the guys waited in their suite for Emily to meet them, and Ryan unsucessfully sent out applications for the now defunct NFL Europe hoping to extend his career as a low-level "pro" football player.

Ryan continued to look for ways to one-up the other guys, and smugly gloated about the way he greeted Emily. "I put the arm around her. I don't think the other guys noticed that."

Sadly, I'm kind of looking forward to The Bachelor Pad this summer when Ryan inevitably hooks up with Courtney Robertson from the last season of The Bachelor, and they make an incredibly competitive baby with a huge forehead, bad facial hair and a predisposed genetic resistance to chlamydia...Survival of the fittest indeed.

...I'm just hoping that Courtney Robertson and Ryan Bowers' boys turn out to be pretty.
The first 1-on-1 date went to Travis, who unlike Emily, is actually from the south. However, Emily commented that their walk around the streets of Dubrovnik was "certainly not West Virginia, and definitely not Mississippi."

They did manage to find a street performer who played a makeshift banjo like instrument that clearly reminded Emily of Social Security paycheck day back home, which is the biggest day of the month in states like West Virginia and Mississippi where it turns into a carnival like atmosphere.

While their dance may not have been a hoedown, there cetainly was a "ho" getting down. 

Unfortunately for Travis, he was unable to form a bond with Emily over their pseudo "southern" heritage and love for Social Security death benefits (Emily Maynard's big home in Charlotte ain't payin' for itself), and he was sent home without a rose because their relationship never developed romantically.

The Group Date started with some blatant product placement, and ended with the contestants participating in a series of Highland Game events while wearing kilts in the Croatian country side...Because apparently the Highlands of Scotland were booked for the weekend.

After Chris botched his caber toss and exhibited questionable form while shooting the bow and arrow, he foolishly challenged the much stronger Doug in a game of "wrestle the stick," which is not only a Highland Game event, but is also a popular game between fraternity brothers in colleges across the south.

As Doug said, "Chris put out an interesting vibe...His back is arched, his butt is out, and his feet are together." And just like that, The Bachelorette turned into an episode of The Real World-Road Rules Challenge.

Fortunately for Chris, Emily rewarded his stupidity and gave him not only the "Bravery Cup," but also the Group Date Rose over Sean, who not only won all of his events, but literally broke his stick because he tossed it so hard...(That's what she said.)

While Sean said that it didn't bother him that Emily chose Chris for the Bravery Cup over him, he kept bringing it up...Over and over again.

Emily was mad at Arie last week because he didn't have her back in defending her daughter from Kalon's comments, but he got back on her good side by reminding her that he's a famous race car driver.

When Ryan learned that he had been chosen by Emily to go on the second 1-on-1 date, he might have got a little too cocky for his own good.

"I could manipulate the situation, you know. I could go get the girl, I know how to go get the girl. That can come off somewhat arrogant, but I think that it's just me being truthful."

Playing football and having, you know, certain gifts, I look at myself every day when I wake up and say to myself, 'Who do you want to be today?' Most men don't do that."

Wearing a wife-beater/sports bra combination inspired by Paula Deen, Ryan Bowers, the self described "bad boy with an edge" from southern Georgia apparently woke up on this particular day and decided that he wanted to be a douche bag.  

Chris commented on Ryan getting the 1-on-1 Date with Emily. "Ryan's kind of a jackass...It takes the guy three hours to get ready. I mean, he shaves his legs and plucks his finger hairs and stuff. It's weird."

As Emily picked up Ryan for their date, Ryan's antics were so over the top that Wolf (John) blushed that he was "Embarrassed," and Jef rolled his eyes and said, "He's such an idiot."

Referring to the theme of their date being "The world is our oyster," Ryan said, "I'm already thinking that I've got my pearl right here," as he not so subtly sneaked a glance towards Emily's crotch.

On the other hand, Emily was still conflicted about her feelings for Ryan. "If I knew one way or the other, it would be so much easier, but the truth is, I go back and forth hourly."

Unfortunately there's a scientific term for the conflicted emotions that Emily was feeling, and it's called "The Domestic Violence Cycle."

Emily's date with Ryan consisted of oyster fishing. While she seemed fine with the harvesting process, she wanted no part in trying them raw once they got back to shore.

Ryan tried to persuade her by reminding her that they were an aphrodisiac, to which Emily responded by saying, "This ain't exactly putting me in the mood."

Ryan forgot that Emily wasn't with one of his 250 pound ex-high school cheerleaders turned Arena Football groupies when demanded her to, "Swallow it! Swallow it!," and then asked, "It's salty, isn't it?"

Ryan then put on his smooth southern gentleman charm when he told Emily, "God makes a promise to us to give us great things in our life, and you'd be a pretty great promise."

Letting her guard down for just a moment, Emily responded by saying, "Thank you for saying that." 

Ryan then clarified what seemed to be an uncharacteristic romantic statement by saying, "You're like a trophy wife...Every man should believe his wife is a trophy."

With Ryan's comment about being a trophy wife hitting just a little too close to home for Emily, she shot back by saying, "But trophies don't talk back."

Ryan then took his "southern gentleman" persona to the next level by sharing with Emily a list of 12 qualities that he is looking for in a wife that started with "brings me beers," and ended with "not pressing charges when I 'accidentally' hit you."

As appealing as the thought of downgrading from being a trophy girlfriend for three real professional athletes to that of an Arena Football player, Emily realized that Ryan's list of demands did not have anything that specifically translated to a life with her or her daughter.

She therefore nervously informed Ryan that she was not going to give him a rose.

Emily's declaration sent Ryan straight into the Kubler-Ross model of dealing with grief, as evidenced by his comments:
Stage 1. - Denial: "That is very shocking, because I would not have seen that coming."
Stage 2. - Anger: "I'm really shocked that this could be the situation at this point."

The quote may not say anger, but the snarled up lip on Ryan Bower's face says otherwise.

Stage 3. - Bargaining: "Why would you at this point not give me the opportunity to show you the man that I am at this point?"
Stage 4. - Depression: "To spend five minutes with me and I'll tell you that while I've been blessed with worldly gifts. Those (worldly gifts) are not worth being confident in."
Stage 5. - Acceptance: "Losing sucks. Nobody wants to be a loser. Look at me, I'm a winner."
Even the narcisistic Ryan seemed to realize how bad he was going to look on the show, so he resorted to bullying the cast as he was driven to the airport in a limousine. "So, I pray your guys who cut this up do a good job of portraying exactly who I am, and not an arrogant ass."

Ryan had grand delusions about the bonds he formed with the other guys in the house.

"The guys will be shocked. We built great friendships, and I'll see those guys again soon," as they all gave hugs and high fives when they realized that Emily had sent his Dixie ass back home to the land of cotton, or at least back to the land of peanuts, peaches and Vidalia onions.

In regards to Ryan's dillusional aspirations to become the next Bachelor Arie said, "If Ryan's the next Bachelor, The Bachelorette is a mirror."

Meanwhile, Arie snuck up to Emily's room, where he reaffirmed that she made the right decision by getting rid of Ryan. "I feel good that you're such a good judge of character."

Since Emily couldn't officially give Arie a rose since he wasn't supposed to be in her room, she gave him a fake one, which was her way of secretly letting him know that she was going to keep him around. They then proceeded to have sex off camera.

By the time that Emily went on to say, "I really like Arie, I don't know what it is about him," it almost seemed as if she had forgotten that he was a famous race car driver, but not really.

At the Rose Ceremony the final rose came down to Doug and Wolf. However, before handing that rose out, Emily ran off after saying that she couldn't give it away.

After speaking with Chris Harrison, Emily came back shortly before Chris returned and said, "Emily, the extra rose that you asked for."

That kept both Wolf and Doug around to join Arie, Sean and Chris in Emily's final five, making it all the more likely that she'll still be single and working the NASCAR circuit for a sugar daddy come the Daytona 500 next spring.

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