Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Blogging Survivor: One World - "If it's in boiling water you don't have to worry, even if it was pooped pants"

Following the merge, it became apparent that the original guys and girls alliances had disintegrated. Jay denied Tarzan a cup of coffee that the new Salani Tribe had won as a reward.

That caused Tarzan to weep poetically, "I was hoping that the guys would be solid against the girls, but now this morning, I fret that it ain't so."

The Reward Challenge involved an obstacle course to retrieve bags of puzzle pieces and solve a puzzle. The newly merged Tiniano Tribe randomly divided into two teams, with the winners getting an afternoon of beer, pizza and a note with a clue to another hidden Immunity Idol, and the losers getting...well, not getting beer and pizza.

Leif started out first for the blue team, and barely dug a hole big enough for himself to fit through even though he's retarded, causing him to get stuck on the very first obstacle.

With the red team off to a big lead, Jay dug a hole big enough for almost everyone on the red team to fit through, except for Sabrina, who was still too fat despite living off the land with no real food source for two weeks. Go figure, my guess would have been that would have been Alicia.

With Tarzan spent more time responding to Jeff Probst's comments than he did helping with the puzzle, he allowed the red team to secure victory, with Jay, Sabrina, Michael, Troy, Alicia, Chelsea and Christina winning the pizza and beer reward.

Said a dejected Leif, "I wanted pizza and beer so bad...No I've got sand in every part of my body." Perhaps attempting to deflect the attention from what he knew was about to come, Tarzan asked, "Are you trying to tell us that you're going to be pooping sand for the next couple days?"

While Tarzan approached Michael about preserving the guys alliance and bringing in Alicia, Michael expressed little interest in aligning himself with Tarzan now that he did not have to. When Michael asked Jonas about the plan, Jonas, who was previously too terrified to even question redneck Colton became upset.

Jonas scolded Tarzan, "You tell the least reliable guy the plan, does that make sense to you?" When Tarzan responded, "Yeah, because we need six guys," Jonas growing frustrated said, "You tell him right before the vote, not two days before. If he's playing both sides, what is he going to do? He's going to tell the women."

With Jonas and Tarzan's conversation escalating into a full blown argument, Tarzan proclaimed, "There's so much confusion here, I think I'm going to drop out of the tribe and you guys just continue without me...I'm dropping my allegiance with you guys because every time I try to tell you don't remember what I say."

Of course, that's coming from the guy who had a problem remembering the name of the person he was told to vote for, but I digress.

Tarzan went on to say, "I do not like Jonas, I do not like that guy anymore. When I say something I mean it from my heart, and I don't go back on it. I can't look at that face anymore," as he walked around in his prostate sling.

I guess "Tarzan,' a/k/a Greg Smith, got his nickname from the loin cloth he wore when he was on the show...I still have no fucking idea why Troy calls himself "Troyzan."

Troy woke up hours earlier than everyone else to begin looking for the hidden Immunity Idol, and like everyone else, he immediately found it. "The early bird gets the Idol, and gets the power."

The first Individual Immunity Challenge consisted of balancing balls on a disc while standing on a perch. Tarzan went out first, while Michael followed.

That caused Jeff to say, "Michael, with balls hanging on both sides of his disc." He later said, "Troyzan's balls haven't moved in a long time."

With the finals of the Immunity Challenge coming down to Troy and Kat, Kat fell off giving Troy immunity. When asked what's going on right now as he exclaimed "This is crazy," Troy responded, "You're touching me - Jeff Probst - it's just crazy," which set his previously inactive balls back in motion.

While Jay and Chelsea wanted to keep their most recent alliance and vote out Jonas, when Troy found out, he filled Jonas in on their plan. Jonas immediately apologized to the men for acting "out of line."

Jonas's apology struck a chord with Tarzan, causing him to interrupt, "You're apologizing? It brings tears to my eyes, thank you," as he extended his hand in reconciliation. He went on to sniffle, "I was so struck by the personality that it took for him to do that, that it brought me to mild tears."

Lead by Tarzan, the guys targeted Kat. Since they lacked Michael and Jay, this probably would have been a good time for Troy to offer an Idol to Jonas to catch the women off guard and regain some of their numbers.

When Sabrina asked, "Do you have any clothing that needs to be boiled?" Tarzan volunteered, "I'm just going to do my undies," before disclaiming, "This is not poop okay, it's dirt."

Given that Sabrina was not asking for clothing to be burned, it seemed odd that Tarzan would volunteer to hand over his shit stained clothing to someone else to wash, because when you shit yourself, you immediately wash it yourself before anyone else can find out, right?

Sabrina questioned Tarzan when she asked, "You can see how it looks to me how it might be poop...So how is there dirt just concentrated in one area and not everywhere else?" That caused Tarzan to explain that it had to do with the way he was sitting on the dirt...With his undies apparently inside out.

While Chelsea might be country, she's still a girl, as she refused to let her clothes boil with Tarzan's, despite his plea how he knows all about microbiology, "If it's in boiling water you don't have to worry, even if it was pooped pants."

Disgusted, Chelsea walked off saying, "I'm going to go puke, I'll be right back." This caused her to initiate conversation to send Tarzan home over Jonas, while Jay wanted to adhere to the original plan to send Jonas home.

Chelsea isn't just your typical girl from the south who went to Clemson and likes to kills shit...Apparently she's looking for a celebrity beau, just like everyone else on Survivor.

At Tribal Council, Jonas called out Michael as the bigger physical threat, saying that's who he was going to vote for. Tarzan interjected by saying he did not respect Jonas for saying that. That caused Jonas to say, despite your brilliant plan, we do not have the votes off Kat," effectively throwing Tarzan under the bus.

Chelsea chimed in by saying that she thought that more people had issues with Tarzan than Jonas, which Sabrina agreed with. Kim later said, "That's the beauty of a merge...All of a sudden people like Jonas become a threat, and people like Tarzan become an asset."

In the end, Jonas was voted out. As he left he said to Tarzan, "Alright man, no hard feelings bro," but Tarzan did not reciprocate. "Hard feelings to you." In reference to having to boil Tarzan's undies in their cooking pot, Jonas laughed as he exited saying, "Good luck with that food situation!"

In a side note, Brandon Hantz has now announced that he has gotten divorced his wife and is working as a NASCAR sales rep since his appearance on Survivor: South Pacific last season, which is proof that Jeff Probst really can make your dreams come true.

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