Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Blogging Survivor: One World - "I just found the Immunity Idol, it's in my crotch!"

This week's episode began with the women gloating about still having seven members after the men folishly gave-up Tribal Immunity last week just so some "prep-neck" from Alabama could vote out the black guy. Colton was equally cocky...Yeah, even I'm not touching that one.

As the teams arrived at the Reward Challenge Jeff announced, "You can drop your buffs, because we are switchin' tribes." Monica saw this as an opportunity to show off her fake boobs, and removed the buff she was wearing as her top.

After a random draw, the new Salani Tribe consisted of Michael, Sabrina, Kat, Jay, Kim, Chelsea and Troy-zan; while the new Manano Tribe was made up of Tarzan, Colton, Monica, Christina, Alicia, Leif and Jonas. Realizing that his alliance was no longer relevant, Colton whined, "They have all the muscle," as CBS blurred out the "Santorum" dripping down the back of his leg.

The Reward Challenge involved carring water in a leaking buckets in order to try and fill a container the fastest. The Reward consisted of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, coffee, and the right to keep living at the One World Beach, while the losers had to move and build a new camp.

For Manano, Monica kept falling down and causing her team to lose water, while Kat kept trying to lap all of the water out of her team's bucket for Salani. Fortunately for Salani, Kat got distracted by a squirrel and ran off into the jungle, and they ended up winning.

When Colton lamented, "Look at them and look at us, this is like Greek Gods versus peasants," his new tribemates took offense to his analogy. He then corrected himself by saying. "No, village people."

Realizing that he might be fucked, Colton commented, "Not only did I get on a tribe with people I don't want to be on a tribe with, I got on a tribe with people who suck," and if they "sucked," maybe they really were "Village People" after all.

Colton quickly tried to join up with the three girls in the new Monano tribe (Monica, Christina and Alicia) telling them, "Since day one I wanted to be with the girls." As they pinky swore, a skeptical Monica said, "Don't you forget who's your momma!" Colton then began to work Alicia in order to try and target Monica behind her back.

Jonas saw Colton playing both sides and asked, "How does he get away with this? I never thought to play that game, but it's brilliant." Twenty minuts later, the Producers informed an elated Jonas that he had been selected to be a contestant on Survivor: One World, as he asked them when the season was set to begin filming.

At Salani, not only did they win PB&J sandwiches, but Michael and Chelsea speared several crabs, and Troy caught a free range chicken. Meanwhile, at Monano, Monica and Christina caught a chicken in a trap, only to watch it run free through a hole that they failed to see.

After going along with Jay's request to work together, thereby giving her protetion from an influential member of the men's tribe, Kim simply announced that she was going to look for an Immunity Idol. She then walked into the jungle and promptly found one.

I'm starting to think that they hide Idols by the thousands out there, kind of like the "dig for treasure pits" at museums, because everyone who tries looking for one immediately finds it without any clues.

"It feels amazing. It was almost a shocking...literally reach in their and feel it, may be one of the best feelings since I've been here. I was going to make a sexual reference here, but Kim did it for me when she told Chelsea, "I just found the Immunity Idol, it's in my crotch."

Don't think I'm not using that line the next time I'm at the bar...Also, keep in mind that Kim was wearing a tight bikini bottom at the time she said that.

At the Immunity Challenge, each tribe divided into groups of three to try and track down balls in the ocean and try to score three baskets. Salani took advantage of their significant athletic advantage, and won Immunity easily.

Colton purportedly convinced Alicia to vote out one of her own in Monica, much to Jonas' elation. "I could be Colton's bitch, I'll be whatever you want me to be, just don't vote me out." I'm glad Jonas said that, as I'm more than happy to retroactively apply it to my comment from last week, where I called Jonas Colton's bitch.

When Colton told Tarzan that their target was Monica, he stated, "So it's Monica...Now tell me who Monica is again?" Colton commented, "I really need to make sure before we go to Tribal Council that he know's who write down, or he could write down Jimmy for all we know...It's really hard being the leader of a bunch of idiots."

I guess that makes Colton the "Queen of Idiots."

At Tribal Council, Tarzan declared that upon the merge he decided to, "Drop my assertiveness to a different loadstar, which is one member of this group, who would then lead the first few days of this new tribe. When Jeff tried to figure out what he was saying by asking who that new leader was, Tarzan replied, "I shan't say, because the game is afoot."

When asked about Tarzan's large vocabulary, the verbally challenged Leif's response was, "He's definitely a complex, wisdom kind of guy and...he also helps better explanate," before Tarzan interjected, "And what he said is a neologism...Making up a word that sounds similar to the word you mean to say."

Leif says, Happy Patty Saint's Day! Does anyone else find it demeaning that those girls had to dress in Catholic school outfits?

Of course, after all of those big words, Tarzan disclosed that he had a medical condition that causes him to struggle to remember the names of other people. When quizzed about his new tribe members, he forgot the name of Monica, the person he had been instructed to vote out by Colton.

Ironically, the vote came down to Tarzan and Monica. Colton once again got his way, and Monica was voted out, allowing her to resume her career as a middle-aged trophy wife.

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