Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Bachelor Blog - "I have a tampon that I want to share with you"

With The Bachelor down to it's final two contestants, it's time for all of the women who were eliminated to gather in order to yell at one of the girls and demand to know the exact reasons why they were eliminated...I mean, it'ss time for The Women Tell All episode!

The Bachelor is kind of like The Biggest Loser in reverse. On the Biggest Loser the contestants all clearly binge just before going on the show since they are already fat and want to ensure a high percentage of weight loss in the first week.

Contestants on The Bachelor channel their inner eating disorders just before going on the show to cut any excess weight so they don't get cut at the first Rose Ceremony. Then after a few weeks of craft service tables and open bar cocktail parties, and - Ta-da! We get Nicki, Kacie B. and Courtney!

What did we learn? First off, we learned that Shawntel did not like it when the other girls make fun of her body by calling her thick thighed. Secondly, we learned that Blakeley did not appreciate being called a stripper or a hooker...I guess that hit just a little too close to home.

Then again, Blakeley may have had a point. As Emily explained how in hindsight she would not have wanted to end up with a man who was disrespectful to the extent that he skinny-dipped with Courtney when there were still 10 other girls left Blakeley interjected, "(Courtney) called me a name (a stripper), and she took her clothes off for America...Just sayin'."

Apparently taking your clothes off for a photo shoot on YouTube is not the same as taking them off for America, but I guess Blakeley does make a point.

The line of the night came when Emily playfully scolded Ben for his naked escapade with Courtney. "You're clouding your own mind because you're just thinking about sex, you're not thinking about a relationship anymore." Upon hearing her say that, Chris Harrison jumped up and said, "I think you have figured out men... That's it, goodnight everyone!"

Emily finished by saying what every woman in America was thinking. "If he does choose her (referring to Courtney), he's made his bed. He can lie in it." Perhaps knowing that Ben had already chosen Courtney over Lindzie, all of the other girls spontaneously clasped arms and nodded.

Random thought: From her shrunken head to her bad bleach job, Jaclyn is the ugliest contestant in Bachelor history...And that's even before she starts talking.

Under the guise of having Courtney come out and defend herself, Chris was actually just throwing her to the wolves. Not one to calm their appetites, he introduced her by saying, "The girls are understandably pissed."

Fast forward through 30 minutes of catty girls trying to yell over one another and Courtney insincerely apologizing and saying things like, "It was never my intention to hurt anyone." Emily did make a valid point in asking her why the girls should accept her apology when Courtney verbally attacked her when she tried to apologize for misjudging her after the Group Date in Panama.

It was only when Blakeley confronted her that Courtney lost it and started crying, presumably because asking her to apologize for calling her a stripper was simply asking her to do too much. Courtney then exited the stage and the studio before promptly being whisked off in a helicopter...At least I think it was a helicopter.

Last up was Ben, who acknowledged that he could have done a better job at saying good bye to the girls he was sending home, or as Emily put it, "You kind of suck at it."

If Jamie's unsuccessful attempt to seduce Ben by talking her way through a dry hump play-by-play style wasn't awkward enough at the Cocktail Party before she was eliminated, she made it known to him that she would be open to seeing him again in the event that things didn't work out with him and either Courtney or Lindzie.

The show concluded with Monica making amends with Jenna, the relationship blogger who's too emotionally insecure to hold a relationship. It was Jenna who had sarcastically, and now infamously, offered to "share a tampon" with her during an argument. Monica surprisingly pulled out a Playtex and said, "I have a tampon I want to share with you," as the two one time rivals embraced.

And that's why I love The Bachelor. For every character like Courtney who helps create the perception that women are just too competitive to get along, there's a Monica and Jenna, who put aside their cattiness and become "Tampon Sisters." which I can only assume is the female equivalent to blood brothers...Never mind, sorry I went there.

Playtex brings the world together.

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