Blogging Survivor - South Pacific: "The next challenge is absolutely detrimental to the way this game turns out."

This week's episode began with Ozzy declaring that he was a "free agent" after members of his alliance went behind his back and voted out his closest ally Elyse. "It's 'against me' when you don't tell me something very crucial like that."

When Dawn shot back by saying, "Give me a break Ozzy, there's stuff you're withholding and you know it," Ozzy blurted out, "I have the idol, how 'bout that?"

In response to Ozzy's meltdown Jim said, "He revealed he had the idol and announced he was a free agent...the guy couldn't have made any worse moves." Cochran took things a bit further when he said that Ozzy was "behaving like a stupid bitch," which is kind of like the alpha male getting emasculated by an effeminate guy...only when I say "kind of like," I really mean that's exactly what happened...bitch.

At the Upolu Tribe, Russell's Nephew continued to look for the hidden Immunity Idol, not yet aware that his closest friend Coach had already found it. "I talked to (Russell's Nephew) about playing this game as Christian men, and we are going to do that, but is withholding information lying? It's a 'grey area.'"

I always thought that the "grey area" is the term that the Catholic church had officially reserved for any references to a twelve-year-old boy's butthole, but I guess it can be used anytime that one's religious beliefs conflict with their personal desires.

Is this "thumbs-up Jesus" or "thumbs-up Coach?" Either way, they are both down with the "grey area."

At the Redemption Challenge, sweet and pretty Elyse squared off against angry and bitter Christine in a game of shuffleboard.

Christine not only remained undefeated in Redemption Island challenges, but she also managed to flip-off the mustached cowboy hat wearing guy (which is a redundant statement, since all Cowboy hat wearing guys have mustaches), in what very well might have been his first real on camera appearance of the season...In fact, I'm not entirely convinced that mustached cowboy hat wearing guy isn't a just CBS crew-member who accidentally got on camera as opposed to an actual Survivor - South Pacific contestant.

The Immunity Challenge required the two tribes to navigate a maze, and then build a slingshot to shoot coconuts at targets. Savaii won when Mikayla shot one-handed as opposed to two-handed, and then refused to change her strategy even after missing all of her targets.

Mikayla's failure to listen to Coach's request to let someone else shoot in her place infuriated him. "It's Mikayla's fault we lost. I gave her direction and she wouldn't take it...If I'm going to Coach this team, I need for people in the heat of battle to listen to me. She's a problem, Mikayla should go home."

Of course, Coach's comments were just a wee bit arrogant given that he's not a real coach like ex-Survivor Nicaragua contestant Jimmy Johnson was, nor was he ever even asked to lead the Upolu Tribe.

In fact, while Coach started out strong in the game when he was able to dial down his ego a little bit, his true personality is really starting to come out in "the heat of the battle," which is ultimately going to lead to his downfall.

Sorry Benjamin, soccer doesn't count. Jimmy Johnson is still the only real "coach" to participate in Survivor.

At Upolu, the tribe wanted to vote out Edna except for Coach and Russell's Nephew. While Russell's Nephew declared that he no longer had any hard feelings for Mikayla (which is obviously not a statement meant to be taken literally), and that she was the better competitor than his alliance member Edna, it was due to his spirituality and word to his initial alliance (and not the fact that he's a registered sex offender) that was going to once again vote against Mikayla this week.

"I want to be a radical for God when it comes to doin' right, doin' good man. So I would rather vote Edna out of this tribe today, but I'm not going to because because I am my word."

Russell's Nephew seems to have come to grips with his troubled past after he found the denomination of Christianity that was officially endorsed by the state of Texas.

At Tribal Council, Russell's Nephew channelled his inner George W. Bush when he declared, "The next challenge is absolutely detrimental to the way this game turns out." He followed that up by saying, "It's funny, because nowadays people get the misconception that we can tell a half lie or a little bit of a lie - oh it's just a game, oh it's just a cigarette, oh it's just a little bit of marijuana - that's just lasciviousness."

Actually, Russell's Nephew would have used the word lasciviousness (meaning "expressing lust") correctly if he had said "Oh I just raped her a little bit," which not so coincidentally would have been the logical choice if we were trying to guess the next phrase in the chronological sequence of statements he used to describe his typical Saturday nights in Katy, Texas.

In fact, I'm convinced that Russell's Nephew's use/misuse of a big word like "lasciviousness" was so out of character with his normal vocabulary that he either learned it from a court ordered psychiatrist or Tony Romo.

By the end of Tribal Council, Russell's Nephew became so self righteous about staying true to his word and character (even though he blatantly lied to his tribe and alliance on numerous occasions in order to vote Mikayla out) he actually said, "vote me out today if we're going to play disloyal...character - you'll live with for the rest of your life."

Unfortunately for Mikayla, she was sent to Redemption Island in a 4-3 vote, while I am left to hope that she wins the Redemption Challenge next week and Russell's Nephew is voted off and joins her alone on a secluded island, which would probably play out like Arnold Schwarzenegger trying to fend off the alien hunter in the movie Predator.


Survivor - South Pacific contestant Mikayla Wingle - wearing ho-pants while leaning on a trailer park stripper pole.