Thursday, January 15, 2015

The Bachelor Blog - "I feel like I'm at the Mesa Verde!"

The second episode of The Bachelor began with the aftermath of Kimberly refusing to leave after getting eliminated at the first Rose Ceremony.

Or as Kaitlyn not so politely asked, "What is she doing here? Remember two minutes ago when he said goodbye to you?"

And with all of the other girls talking about Kimberly in similar fashion while giving her their best bitter bitch faces, Chris Harrison gave Chris Soules the green light to keep her around if he so wanted.

Chris Soules and Jimmy Kimmel...I just want to know where Chris' hands are at, and whether or not he made out with him too. 

Wanting to keep as many girls around to make-out with as humanly possible in one episode, Chris decided to let her stay, much to the delight of the other women, who all welcomed her back into the house with open arms.

The first Group Date was announced with a card that simply said "Show me your country."

While Jillian and Megan were not selected to go on that date, they took it as an opportunity to break into Chris' room, with Megan using that opportunity to put on Chris' motorcycle helmet on and ram her head into nearly every solid object possible.

Meanwhile, Jillian Anderson apparently misunderstood the date card that said "Show me your country" to mean, "Show me your cunt."

The Group Date actually turned out to be a pool party, with the country part coming into to play when Chris moved the date to the streets of Los Angeles for a bikini themed tractor race...

And while Ashley I. won the race and received some extra time with Chris, Mackenzie earned the coveted Group Date Rose by using her time with Chris to discuss important subjects like whether or not he believed in aliens.

Even Chris seemed to acknowledge that Mackenzie was stupid as he said, "The fact that she's talking about aliens on a first date does raise a few red flags for me."

However, the fact that he still gave her the Group Date Rose raised a few red flags about Chris.

The first 1-on-1 date of the season went to Megan, who got take a trip with Chris to the bottom of the Grand Canyon in a helicopter that was surprisingly not the "Batch-Copter."

No word yet on whether there's been an official breakup, or they're just going through some ordinal mechanical problems.

Megan was much more subdued than her break-in to Chris' room after her head injuries, almost to the extent that she was boring, but that didn't stop him from making out with her.

Better yet, Megan became the first girl of the season to declare that she was falling for Chris.

The second Group Date of the episode was billed as "'Til death do us part," which was slightly tasteless considering that the two widows, Kelsey and Juelia, were both selected to go along.

The date actually turned out to be a game of paintball, where the girls got to shoot at crazy zombies and Ashley S.

And if there was any doubt that Ashley S. wasn't bat shit crazy after she spent half the opening episode in the garden of good onions and evil pomegranates, she removed it during the Group Date when babbled on incoherently about the likes of shooting the other girls and ancient Puebloans.

"I feel like I'm in the the Mesa Verde...The Mesa Verde."

By that point the girls were all starting to realize that Ashley S. had been  Amanda Bynes.

Or as Amber said, "I can't quite put my finger on it, but she's not all there."

Kaitlyn probably said it best when she contemplated the prospect of Ashley S. somehow receiving the Group Date Rose.

"I think she'd actually eat the rose...She doesn't hide it for a second. She's like I'm here, I'm crazy!"

And that alone is probably why Kaitlyn earned the Group Date Rose...Well that, in addition to putting herself out there as being easy.

Even Chris seemed to know that something was up, as instead of trying to make out with her, he delicately asked Ashley S., "How are you doing? Are you holding up okay?"

Unfortunately, Ashley S. was too far gone too even fake being half way sane, as she matter of factly replied, "No, I don't even know what you're asking me," and then went back to talking to stray cats as if they were people.

At the pre-Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party, self proclaimed virgin Ashley I. had Chris rub her belly button ring in order to be granted three wishes...The first of which must have been having her dry hump him right then and there on the couch.

College student Jordan seemed to start the day drunk, and seemed to get worse at the cocktail party, which only fueled her with more "stupid juice."

In the end, the final rose went to Ashley S. in a decision that was likely in large part driven by ratings.

In fact, Chris hardly seemed to be able to keep a straight face as he called her name.

And while Chris understandably sent drunk girls Jordan and Tara home, Alissa and Kimberly also were left empty handed.

Alissa was surprisingly sent home by Chris Soules in favor of Ashley S...And while I'm not a Steelers fan by any stretch of the imagination, Alissa Giambrone might have made my final three by virtue of this photo alone. 

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