Wednesday, January 21, 2015

The Bachelor Blog - "Why are you kissing everyone else too?"

The third episode of this year's version of The Bachelor began with Chris Soules hanging out with comedian and late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel, you know, because they were close friends growing up together back in Iowa.

Chris Soules on his "field of queens."
 "If you build it, they will cum."

In actuality, The Bachelor producers apparently finally realized that Chris didn't quite have the personality to carry a full episode by himself, let alone a whole season, and brought in the ABC cross promotion team for reinforcements.

Things are apparently so bad that Jimmy Kimmel's appearance wasn't just limited to just a cameo, but the producers actually had him tag along on Chris' date with Kaitlyn, who seemed more than open to the thought of a threesome.

Clearly playing the role of a troublemaker, Jimmy declared "I love to make people uncomfortable."

And make people uncomfortable Jimmy did, as he flat out asked Kaitlyn if she'd be angry if she made it all the way to the end of the show and found out that Chris screwed on of the other girls in the "fantasy suite."

However, Kaitlyn proved to be a good sport, or at least that she really didn't have any real feelings for Chris when she said, "No..It part of the process, you can't take out a car without test driving it."

In the end, Kaitlyn declared that she had one of the best dates she had ever been on, not realizing that it was only fun because she was really on a date with funny man Jimmy Kimmel, and not just Chris Soules.

Jimmy even stuck around for the Group Date, which turned out to be an exercise in shucking a husk, grabbing a cock, sucking a teat, handling some shit, and wrestling around with a greased pig...Or as people in Iowa call it, "foreplay."

Amber didn't seem up for the challenge saying, "Salty and warm, it's not something I'd like in my mouth...Some girls say it tastes like protein."

Unbeknownst to Jillian, her shorts didn't cover her ass, and she ended up flashing America for the second week in a row.

And by "unbeknownst" to Jillian Anderson, I really meant, "totally planned." 

Or as Mackenzie said, "Jillian's shorts? The cows like it. That's what they're mooing at, her ass."

In the end, Carly defeated Jillian and her ass cheeks, and  took advantage of some alone time by saying, "Your a man, and I'm a woman, and I just wanted to take advantage," before smearing Chris face in lipstick to mark her territory.

Up next, or possibly fifth, Mackenzie put Chris the spot by asking, "I'm going to be blunt. So, you remember how when we kissed? Why are you kissing everyone else too?"

Unfortunately for Mackenzie, Chris answered that question by asking her, "We kissed? Which one were you again?"

And in an upset, the Group Date Rose went to Carly, who Chris may not have even made out with...but probably did.

The second 1-on-1 date went to Whitney, with whom Chris "spontaneously" decided to crash a wedding that they were totally expected to be at...Well, either that, or nobody in the wedding party seemed to notice all the cameras and crews setting up.

Fortunately, Chris and Whitney just happened to have their tux and formal attire with them, which turned out to be totally lucky and a complete coincidence.

As it turned out, Whitney is the girl who's totally infatuated with the thought of getting married, which:
1) Explained why she was so into crashing the wedding and pretending that she was Chris' fiance, and 
2) Was totally awesome for Chris, or any other guy who's trying to date at least one woman while still declaring himself a "bachelor."

At the end of the night, Chris took his love back to his room to make out, and do whatever else any other guy would do with someone who's desperate to engaged after going to a romantic wedding.

Chris Soules and Jimmy Kimmel

And after Chris got done showering with Jimmy Kimmel the next morning, he was ready to deal with the women again, with it being announced that the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party had been cancelled and that there would be a pool party instead.

Juelia tried her best to lift Chris' spirits by telling him all about her ex husband's suicide, while Britt marked her territory by putting her lipstick all over his face.

Jillian, who once again accidentally forgot to cover her ass, decided to wait things out in Chris' hot tub, where Chris was going to sped some alone time with Jade, with whom he had just made out with.

Okay, at this point I'm starting to wonder whether or not Jillian Anderson is trying to show her ass to America on purpose. 

In addition to Jillian's ass, Ashley I., Megan and Mackenzie all also decide to crash Chris' hot tub date.

Feeling insecure, Ashley I. left the hot tub saying, "I hope I kiss him again, because that would make me feel better," almost as if Chris' mouth was a half gallon tub of Ben and Jerry's.

Fortunately, Ashely I. made it happen by grabbing Chris and dry humping his face, which was good enough to earn her the last rose of the night.

Virgin or not, with the best ass in the house, Chris isn't sending Ashley I. home quite yet, especially when she comes across like she puts out. 

Sadly, Chris sent Amber, the sole black girl this year, home...Not because she was black, but so she could be with her people on Martin Luther King Day when the episode first aired.

Despite Chris' thoughtfulness, Amber seemed bitter saying, "He didn't even get to know me that much," which was odd considering that Chris made it a point to make out with every other girl in the house before sending any one of them home.

Chris also parted ways with Tracy, the teacher from California, as well as Trina, who managed to stay so sober this week that I didn't even realize who she was when she was sent packing.

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