Tuesday, January 13, 2015

The Bachelor Blog - "Every person you meet is like an onion, you peel them back layer by layer"

The new season of Farmersonly.com is upon us.

Wait, what's that? It's actually still called The Bachelor?

In any event, we all know by now that Chris Soules is a farmer from Iowa, and unlike Andi Dorfman, we know that he really is in search of true love, mainly because there's not much that farmers can do to advance their careers on national TV.

And for those of you who thought that I was being harsh on her last season, Andi acted as if she was all about Josh Murray at this season's red carpet premier, only to promptly call off their engagement just one day later.

At the beginning of the episode we learned that Chris' family started farming with just 40 acres and a mule approximately four generations ago.

However, they managed to parlay that into to nearly 6000 perfectly flat acres of corn and soybeans...with just a few marijuana plants thrown in for good measure to help them make ends meet.

But enough about Chris, let's get to the important part...All the crazy bitches!

This season began by teasing us with previews of more girls wearing yoga pants than you would find during a Saturday morning shopping excursion to your local Target.

We also found out from the contestants' bios that there is nothing that girls fear more than going out on a date with a guy that they might like and coming down with explosive diarrhea, or worse yet, having the guy eat less food than they do at dinner.

As the girls arrived, we were reminded that The Bachelor only brings out the worst kinds of women that that there are when it comes to dating..Professional cheerleaders, aspiring models/actresses, and born again virgins.

And yes, all of this has lead me to compromise my manhood yet again and make an attempt to blog this season of The Bachelor.

First Impressions - A non exhaustive list of some of the girls who did and did not receive a Rose on the first night, and my initial impressions of them:

Kelsey Poe - The "I'm probably not cut out for reality TV" girl.

Kelsey is absolutely adorable in a "she's not trying to make herself look all Hollywood" kind of way...And that's a good thing. I just have two questions about Kelsey:
1. Can she handle the pressure of being around snarky bitches who are all trying to date the same guy that she is?
2. Is she ready to date again after being widowed at the age of 28?
I'm not sure that Kelsey's not in over her head with these girls..and once again, that's a good thing. If she proves to be up to the challenge, I've got her as my front-runner.

Kelsey Poe reminds me a lot of Emily Maynard...That is, without the little retarded kid and the stink of NASCAR drivers all over her lady parts.

Britt Nilsson - The "first impression" girl.

Britt immediately caught the attention of Chris, and earned the much coveted First Impression Rose. Britt seems like she's religious, fairly educated, well grounded and altruistic...Which makes me wonder, why is she working as a waitress in Hollywood?

Britt Nilsson

Jillian Anderson - The "what's wrong with this girl," girl.

A news producer, a Washington Pigskin cheerleader, and possible fitness competitor, Jillian Anderson seems just a little too good to be true. In fact, I have to wonder why she has to resort to going on a reality TV show to find a man when she lives in a town like Washington, D.C.

Jillian Anderson: My guess it's either explosive diarrhea or her crossed eyes. 

Amanda Goerlitz - The "completely delusional" girl.

Amanda Goerlitz is a wanna be pageant girl/ballet instructor who lives with her mother, doesn't cook or clean, and has one of the worst cases of "crazy eyes" that I've ever seen on a show known for having girls with "crazy eyes." On top of that, she wondered why she didn't get a Rose from Chris saying, "I'm going home on the first day. That was never expected in the slightest."

Essentially Amanda Goerlitz is the female version of Chris Bukowski. Sadly, he'll probably think he's too good for her when they meet on Bachelor in Paradise.

Whitney Bischoff - A fertility nurse from Kentucky, Whitney lists herself as "conservative," but says that she'll "try anything once."

Unfortunately for Chris, that means Whitney Bischoff tried it in the corn hole once, but didn't like it...Go Big Blue!!!

Mackenzie Deonigi - The "single mom."

In a game of "Guess whether she was drunk or just stupid," Mackenzie boldly stated that "roses are red, like life jackets." Furthermore, this single mom may have problems adjusting to life on the farm after getting confused about the crops that Chris is growing. "What's alfalfa? Never heard of it...Is it organic?"

Mackenzie Deonigi...I wish her hair started lower. 

Ashley Iaconetti - The "I'm saving myself for marriage" girl.

A freelance journalist who has covered the New York Jets, when Ashley Iaconetti was asked what she would do to try and impress a man she replied, "Make him amazing cheeseburgers and watch football with him because that would be fun for me and him."

Does that sound too good to be true? Unfortunately, Ashley Iaconetti is still a virgin...Then again, maybe that is too good to be true. 

Tara Eddings - "The drunk redneck" girl.

Tara's bio pretty much said it all when she noted, "I love it when my date opens the truck door for me." Sure enough, Tara came out of the limo to great Chris wearing Daisy Dukes and cowboy boots instead of a cocktail dress, much to the horror of all the pageant queen girls.

And while Tara did go back and change into a dress to show Chris that she could in fact pretty herself up, by the end of the night she was so drunk she could barely stand up at the Rose Ceremony.

That caused Chris to actually walk away from the Rose Ceremony and tell Chris Harrison, "I was going to pick her, but she's like 'wasted' drunk." However, that didn't stop him from giving her a rose, as Chris apparently thought the purpose of coming on the show was to find a girl to take home from the bar, and not a future wife.

A sport fishing guide in Florida, when Tara Eddings said, "Chris got to see the real me," I'm not sure if she was referring to how she acted when she was drunk, her ass, or the really bad tattoo that she revealed in her backless dress.  

Amber James - The "black" girl.

Even though Chris Soules is a white farmer from Iowa, he's contractually obligated by ABC to keep the token black girl around for at least 3 episodes to avoid any lawsuits.

Either Amber James is a closet hipster who dressed up like Donna Martin for Halloween last year to be ironic, or she never watched the original 90210 and was doomed to repeat the mistakes of Donna's past. Sadly, I'm guessing that Tori Spelling lived her life in vain. 

Ashley Salter - "The bat-shit crazy" girl.

When Ashley not compared meeting people to onions saying, "Every person you meet is like an onion, you peel them back layer by layer," it wasn't what she said as much as how she said it. Shortly thereafter she began to search the back yard for onions like she was at an Easter egg hunt for crazy people. Ashley S. then went to have a conversation with a pomegranate tree as an off camera producer could be heard scolding her "NO," almost as if she was a dog looking to pee on it.

Ashley Salter: Honestly, all girls who wear sparkly headbands are just labeling themselves as schizophrenic. 

Kaitlyn Bristowe - The "slutty" girl.

Kaitlyn made her intentions known to Chris when she got out of the limo and immediately told him, "I know that you're a farmer, and I want you to know that you can plow my field anytime."

Kaitlynn Bristowe also made it clear to Chris that she wanted to have sex with him. 

Becca Tilley - The "wanna be Southern socialite" girl. 

Becca lists "Staying and living alone in California when my sister and brother-in-law went back home to Louisiana" as her greatest accomplishment. Of course, her sister is married to former San Diego Charger and LSU star Jacob Hester, so Becca was clearly "losing" to her sister in the status department prior to coming on The Bachelor.

Becca Tilley: Only in the South is auctioning off one of your daughters on reality TV considered favorable to your family's social status. 

Tandra Steiner - The "trying too hard to be rebellious" girl.

Living in Salt Lake City, Tandra Steiner is trying just a little to hard to be rebel against the Mormon culture by becoming a biker chick, when in reality all she needed to do was have a glass of Mountain Dew or live in the same apartment complex as a man....Needless to say, Tandra didn't end up getting a rose.

Tandra Steiner: Chris might be a farmer from Iowa, but he's pretty metrosexual for a farmer from Iowa. If he's into motorcycles, I'm guessing he's more of a crotch rocket than a Harley kind of guy. 

Brittany Fetkin - The "I'm trying to hype my career" girl.

Honestly, Brittany is quite beautiful, but I don't know if there's any guy who doesn't wear Ed Hardy t-shirts who would feel comfortable dating a WWE "Diva in Training," which is probably why she didn't get a rose from Chris.

I have little doubt that Brittany Fetkin is going to drive teenage boys absolutely wild in the WWE...That is, until she marries and gets murdered by a physically abusive wrestler with a prescription drug problem.

Bo Stanley - The "big" girl.

A professional surfer, Bo is also a "plus sized" model, which means you automatically don't make it to the second episode. 

If Bo Stanley is "plus sized," then Janice Dickenson had too much plastic surgery. 

Carly Waddell - The "reality TV legacy" girl. 

The sister of former Bachelorette contestant Zak Waddell, who was Desiree's season. Carly is currently a cruise ship singer, which means that her audition for American Idol didn't go so well. 

Carly Waddell, clearly singing "On the Good Ship Lolipop," but making it her own.

Kara Grey Wilson - The "born again virgin" girl.

Kara has apparently found God after years of whoring it up like __. In fact, Kara claims that she's not even going to kiss a guy until she gets married, so take that Ashley I! Then again, neither one of them may ever get a second date going forward, let alone any attention from a guy just looking to sleep with women on a reality TV show.

Sadly, I've been to this same crappy little mall that Kara Wilson is singing at. I instantly recognized it as the mall in Ashland, KY from this video, and that's not a good thing...for her career, or mine.

Jade Roper - The "former Playboy Playmate."

Wearing a sexy dress that exposed everything but her boobs, Chris seemed immediately attracted to Jade. And why not, as she's a former Playboy Playmate.

While she currently lists her career as a "cosmetics developer," I have a hard time believing that a conservative guy from Iowa like Chris will be able to accept Jade Roper's past history as a Playboy Model...But I'm still betting that she makes it to the Fantasy Suite dates!

Kimberly Sherbach - The "refused to go home" girl.

While Kimberly, a yoga instructor from Long Island, was not initially given a rose, she came back into the house after she was initially thought to have left to talk to Chris about not getting a rose.

That left Chris Harrison to say in a gratuitous teaser, "Wait a minute, women who don't get roses are supposed to go home, right? Find out next week!"

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