Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - "OH, HELL NO!"

Survivor - Blood vs. Water began with the contestants getting to spend some romantic time alone with their loved ones on the first night before breaking into tribes.

Being the girl in the relationship apparently outweighs being a returning player, as Colton let his boyfriend Caleb build their temporary shelter.

And when Colton rhetorically asked, "Would you like want me to do something?", Caleb grumbled something along the lines of, "No, you're good," before he wandered off into the jungle to text an ex-boyfriend.

Colton Cumbie and Caleb Bankston: Sadly, the story of a gay redneck/outdoorsman from a small town in Alabama meeting a gay racist from another small town in Alabama still has to be one of the all time success stories for FarmersOnly.com.

Upon meeting up with Jeff Probst, the contestants were informed that they would not actually be playing with their loved ones, but would instead be playing against them and dividing into tribes based upon "returning" (Galang) and "new" (Tadhana) players.

After Colton got done crying, Jeff delivered one more twist...That each tribe would have to immediately vote one person out.

And for some reason, Galang decided to vote out Candice instead of Colton, which made absolutely no sense given that Colton not only had a reputation of being a backstabber, but also as being a total bitch around camp from a social standpoint.

The new players voted out Laura, Rupert's wife, not on Rupert's reputation, but because she was old.

However, Jeff had a few more twists for the tribes. First, he announced that Candice and Laura would not be heading home, but to Redemption Island, which was back in play this season.

Jeff also gave the loved one of each person voted out the opportunity to switch places, meaning that they'd also be forced to change tribes if they decided to save their significant other.

While Rupert didn't hesitate to take his wife's spot on Redemption Island, wanting to make sure she got a chance to experience the game, Candice's husband was not quite as chivalrous, declining to change places and selfishly saying, "I think I'm going to give her the opportunity to beat Rupert."

Gervase was not at all pleased with Rupert's decision. "Laura is not Gatong...I wanted to play with Rupert."

Of course, Rupert's biggest claim to fame in past season's has been his reputation for building shelters and being one of the hardest workers in camp, so 

John seemed to look forward to avenging his wife getting voted out first. "Now I have an opportunity to show all of these dumb asses what a big mistake they made."

Of course, John didn't elect to save Candice by swapping places, so even if she managed to win her battle on Exile Island she'd be re-joining the returning players tribe, so he really just had a bone to pick without any bones.

While Tyson helped the veterans start a fire almost immediately by rubbing sticks together, the newbies struggled to set up their shelter and start fire, or as Hayden said, "They've got fire, 'cause they're experienced. We don't, 'cause we're meat-heads."

Vytas seconded Hayden's sentiments. "Being a yoga teacher, these hands don't see hard work."

Vytas also revealed to his tribe that he used to rob people on a regular basis when he was a heroin addict, which I guess isn't all that inconsistent with his statement about not doing hard work.

Meanwhile, at Exile Island Candice did all the work while Rupert relaxed and frolicked in the water, revealing that his plan this time was to let others do the work and save his own energy.

Unfortunately, by not switching places with Candice, John lost his wife to Rupert in the process.

Former NFL player Brad Culpepper quickly put together what he called the "Five Guy Alliance," noting how that gave the "newbies" a potential competitive advantage over the returning players based on raw strength heading into the merge.

Brad explained, "We have five guys right now. They have four guys and a gay guy," taking a jab at the testosterone challenged Colton.

Of course, Brad failed to realize that Caleb, one of his "five guys," was gay too, although he did try to bond with him over some sort of top secret "Southern" handshake, even though Brad apparently concealed the fact that really from Florida, not the South.

Laura Morett's daughter, Ciera, revealed that her two children by the age of twenty-two were from two different baby's daddy's, which proved to be an embarrassment to her mother.
 

Of course, Ciera probably wouldn't have found the need for attention to get pregnant by the age of 17 had her mother not gotten fake boobs and tried to compete with her daughter for men.

Colton tried to come into the game being friendly and more vulnerable this time, telling the women of his tribe, "When I was growing up, I was the sweetest kid in the world...Somewhere along the way after I got tired of being called sissy and faggot and queer."

Colton then broke down and sobbed like a puppy in a moment of vulnerability...But my guess is that Colton will later reveal it was all just an act.

In fact, Monica, who got screwed over by Colton in SURVIVOR: One World wanted to believe that Colton had changed, but was still skeptical saying, "Then again, it's Colton Cumbie."

The Immunity Challenge consisted of a race through water over obstacle course to get puzzle pieces, then row back and solve the puzzle.

Philly native Gervase pulled his best Donovan McNabb and quickly became so exhausted that former heroin addict Aras literally had to carry him to the end.

Sure enough, Colton began to show his true colors and get bitchy at Kat when he said, "SHUT UP AND PADDLE...BEFORE I HIT YOU WITH THIS!" (even though he was just casually splashing the water of paddling hard himself).

That caused Kat to bark back, "OH, HELL NO!"

With an arrest for theft on her record, Kat Edmonsson would tear someone like Colton up in jail.

While Ciera and Katie bragged how they could beat their returning player mothers in solving a puzzle, it was Tina and Laura who ended up schooling their daughters, allowing Galang to overcome Gervase's swimming and come back to win Immunity. 

And while he nearly cost his tribe the challenge, it was Gervase who celebrated the loudest, rubbing the new players' noses in their defeat.

That didn't go over too well with Brad, who complained, "Hey bozo, your loved one might go home."

However, the joke was on Brad, as Gervase was so desperate to win the game that he brought his niece on the show instead of a loved one...Because nobody really likes their nieces or nephews deep down inside, do they?

And while Brad got all high and mighty about winning and losing with class, he was the one that lead the campaign to vote Marissa out just to send Gervase a message for gloating, even though she was far from Tadhana's weakest player.