Sunday, September 15, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - Meet The Cast

Survivor - Blood vs. Water is upon us, which features returning contestants competing against their loved ones.

And there's nothing that America likes more than recycled reality stars, it's seeing their undeserving relatives ride their coattails on TV.

Speaking of which, I am a bit surprised that none of the returning contestants or their loved one's are related to Russel Hantz, because I was thinking that CBS could have easily found enough unemployed members of his clan to come on the show and form their own inbred tribe.

Now let's get to know the contestants and break down their pros and cons based upon their official bios on the CBS website.

Aras Baskauskas - A 31-year-old musician from Santa Monica, California.

Tribe: Returning Players (Exile Island).

Pros: He won Survivor Exile Island.

Cons: I consider myself a pretty big Survivor fan, and I have absolutely no recollection of who this fucking guy is, so maybe there's a slight chance that nobody will recognize him as a past winner and target him as a past winner.

Aras Baskauskas: And if this whole Survivor thing doesn't work out, Aras can take his acoustic guitar and go on The Bachelor.

Vytas Baskauskas - A 33-year-old yoga instructor and math professor from Santa Monica, California

Tribe: Loved Ones (Aras's brother).

Cons: A former heroine addict, I'm afraid that Vytas might have some flashback trips if he gets hot and dehydrated when the game gets strenuous.

Pros: Claims that he learned how to manipulate people to sustain his heroine addiction, so he's got that going for him.

Vytas Baskauskus also attended "Occupy Santa Monica."

Candice Woodcock Cody - A 30-year-old doctor from Washington D.C.

Tribe: Returning Players (Cook Island, All-Stars vs. Villains)

Pros: Candice survived going to Exile Island the first time it was in play in the game, so she should be prepared to deal with it again this season if needed. She also lived in a mud hut in Africa doing medical work, so she's experienced in living in primitive conditions.

Cons: She always seemed to jump around from alliance to alliance the previous two times she played the game, always seeming to end up on the ass end of the totem pole.

Candace Woodcock Cody: An Officer and a Gentleman.

John Cody - A 30-year-old doctor from Washington D.C.

Tribe: Loved Ones.

Pros: A West Point graduate and physician, John seems like the classic all-American guy.

Cons: He also seems like your classic overbearing military dickhead.

I'm not saying that Dr. John Cody secretly wants to get back-doored while on Survivor, butt...

Colton Cumbie - A 22-year-old student teacher from Alabama.

Tribe: Returning Players (One World)

Cons: The polarizing gay-cist (gay racist) from Alabama who had to be Med-evacted from Survivor One World.

: He's certainly entertaining.

I'm not saying that Colton Cumbie is playing a different game than everyone else, but this is a Survivor logo that he had up on his Facebook page.

Caleb Bankson - A 26-year-old farmer from rural  Alabama.

Tribe: Loved Ones (Colton's boyfriend). 

Pros: Don't let Caleb being gay fool you, this guy's as redneck as rednecks get. A farmer, fisher and hunter who's claim to fame is bagging a 12-point-buck on his first hunt, this guy can certainly live off the land. In fact, Caleb even lists one of his necessary items as his camouflage University of Alabama hat.

Cons: The twelve-pointer he's referring too was bagging Colton Cumbie. Not only is Colton's abrasive personality going to bring Caleb down in this game, but I really don't get what they see in each other. Caleb is redneck and country, while Colton is all preppy, rich and entitled. Maybe racism is their common ground. My guess is that Caleb will dump Colton once he gets a little taste of fame of his own after being on the show.

Caleb Bankson: ROLL DAMN TIDE!!!!

Gervase Peterson - 43-year-old bar owner from Philadelphia.

Tribe: Returning Players (Borneo).

Pros: Wrote on his Facebook page, "In five days, the greatest reality star returns to TV."

Cons: No, Gervase wasn't talking about Rupert Boneham, he was talking about himself, saying, "That's right, your boy is back on Survivor!"

Gervase Peterson and Donovan McNabb: Gervase is hoping to make it to the final Tribal Council, where he plans on throwing up, gaining 30 pounds, and criticizing RG3.

Marissa Peterson - A 21-year-old student in Chapel Hill, N.C.

Tribe: Loved Ones (Gervase's niece).

Pros: Marissa must truly be one of Gervase's dearest "loved ones," because in announcing that he was going to be on Survivor again he added a reference to her as almost an afterthought. "Plus I'm bringing my niece along for the ride!"

Cons: Marissa lists a stereo and speakers as one of the things she wishes she could bring along with her. And since she couldn't seem to settle for an iPod and a good set of headphones, I'm guessing she's not the most considerate person.

Marissa Peterson

Kat Edorsson - A 23-year old student and time shares sales representative from Orlando, FL, just like she was the first time she came on the show.

Do you think Kat Edorsson knows her boobs are about to fall out?

Tribe: Returning Players (One World).

Pros: Kat is sure to be good for some of the best unintentionally funny comments that we'll hear all season. For example, when Kat bid and won a BLT sandwich during the auction on Survivor One World, she bit into it and excitedly exclaimed, "Yo there's bacon in this!" Like it was some kind of surprise to her.

Cons: Kat seems to be on the rebound following an incestuous relationship with her cousin, whom she infamously dry humped when he came to visit her on Survivor One World. 

Kat Edorsson: There's being excited to see your cousin, and there's being a little too excited to see your cousin.

Hayden Moss - A 26-year-old real estate investor from Springtown, Texas.

Tribe: Loved Ones (Kat's boyfriend).

Pros: Won Big Brother 12.

Cons: As referenced above, Hayden isn't exactly the "loved one" I expected to come on the show with Kat. As a reality show winner and cross-over, Hayden is sure to have double bulls eyes on his chest.

Hayden Moss: And those bulls-eyes are nipples...Perfect, hairless nipples.

Laura Morett - 43-year-old co-owner of a construction company from Oregon.

Tribe: Returning Players (Samoa)

Pros: Laura's a cougar, and with Monica Culpepper's husband appearing on the show, she doesn't seem to have much competition in the "MILF" department.

Laura Morett: You have to love it when middle aged moms try to out do their teenage daughters in photos trying to prove how hot they are...In fact, that's how you end up with a teenage daughter who decides that she needs male attention so bad that she ends up getting pregnant by the age of 17. 

Cons: There's a 50/50 chance that one of the guys ends up banging both Laura and her daughter while on the show...My money's on Leif.

Ciera Morett Eastin - A 24-year-old mother of two from Oregon.

Tribe: Loved Ones (Laura's daughter).

Pros: Ciera claims to have a "Git 'er done" attitude, likes riding ATV's, and became a mother at the age of 17.

Cons: Ciera's studying to become a cosmetologist, so she's obviously stupid. In fact, she may not even realize that she's on Survivor instead of MTV's Teen Mom.

Ciera Morett Eastin: Trying to become the first contestant to get pregnant while on Survivor.

Monica Culpepper - A 42-year-old former trophy wife of an ex-NFL player from Tampa Bay, FL.

Tribe: Returning Players (One World).

Pros: Lists coming on Survivor the first time as her first life accomplishment that she ever really did on her own.

Pros: By bringing her ex-NFL player husband along with her on the show, Monica is pretty much be tainting her one accomplishment in life, especially if he helps her do better this time.

Monica Culpepper: Based upon her comments on Survivor One World and her amateur photo shoots, it's pretty clear that her self worth comes from parading around semi-naked.

Brad Culpepper - A 44-year-old ex-NFL player from Tampa Bay, FL.

Tribe: Loved Ones (Monica's husband).

Pros: Well, he is a former pro football player, so literally, that's a pro.

Cons: Turned his douchey haircut as a football player into a law degree, and is now a douchey Plaintiff attorney with his face on every billboard in central Florida.

Brad Culpepper: There's a reason white dude shouldn't braid their hair...Ever.

Rupert Boneham - A 49-year-old mentor for troubled teens from Indiana.

Tribe: Returning Players (Pearl Island, All-Stars, Heroes vs. Villains).

Pros: Parlayed his prior appearances on Survivor into a run for Indiana's Governor.

Rupert Boneham ran for Governor of Indiana. And while every state seems to have guys like this, they only seem to win in Minnesota.

Cons: Already won $1 million as America's favorite player, and as a soon to be four time contestant on the show, his shtick is starting to get old.

Laura Boneham - A 44-year-old merchandiser from Indiana.

Tribe: Loved Ones (Rupert's wife).

Pros: She was on the ballot to become the "First Lady" of all of Indiana.

Cons: The only way I'll like her is if she's responsible for sending Rupert home.

Rupert and Laura Boneham: I'm thinking fame might have gone to Rupert's head. Fur is murder!

Tina Wesson - A 52-year-old motivational speaker from North Carolina.

Tribe: Returning Players (Australia, All-Stars).

Pros: Won Survivor Australia.

Cons: Got voted out first on Survivor All-Stars. Now she's old.

Katie Collins - A 25-year-old from New York in hedge fund support.

Tribe: Loved Ones (Tina's daughter).

Pros: Everybody loves hedge fund managers, right?

Cons: Her claim to fame is walking up 55 flights of stairs for charity, so this experience might be a little bit more challenging than she might expect.

Katie Wesson Collins talking about her Mom when she won the 2nd ever season of Survivor.

Tyson Apostol - A former pro cyclist and current shop manager.

Tribe: Returning Players (Tocantins, Heroes and Villains)

Pros: Tyson thinks he's really good at the game.

Cons: A BYU dropout, Tyson is considered one of the dumbest contestants in the history of Survivor for letting Russel Hantz con him into changing his vote, which ultimately lead to him getting blindsided. 

Tyson Apostol: Tyson parlayed being a former Mormon Missionary into becoming a pro cyclist. However, there's no truth to the rumor that he got kicked out of BYU after he was caught doping his blood with Mountain Dew. 

Rachel Foulger - A 33-year-old waitress from Provo, UT.

Tribe: Loved Ones (Tyson's girlfriend).

Pros: Tyson says that Rachel is his favorite of all his wives.

Cons: Rachel seems totally co-dependent on Tyson, listing him as her inspiration in life saying, "I’ve never met someone so strong and confident. He truly is my rock. I don’t know what I would do without him," so she'll probably lose her shit when she finds out they're going to be on different tribes. 

Rachel Foulger: Rachel's going to have an awakening when she leaves Utah and realizes that she can have multiple boyfriends instead of being one of many wives...But she definitely needs to leave Utah first.

1 comment:

  1. I used to really like Ruppert, but I'm about done with him. I don't know why anyone would want to see his wife.