Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "My ass is too big! My big Brazilian booty!"

As the contestants were divided into three tribes and sent their respective beaches to start the season, they were told that they could gather as many supplies as they could carry in 60 seconds and take them back to their camps.

In the mad scramble to get those supplies, ex-Major League Baseball player suffered a knee injury that he believed might be a torn MCL as he jumped from the main boat to his tribe's raft.

Much like the time that Jeff Kent lied to the San Francisco Giants about breaking his wrist trying show off to his teammates while popping wheelies on his motorcycle, which was in direct violation of his contract, he tried to conceal his kee injury from his tribe so as to avoid becoming a target as a medical liability.

Jeff also tried to conceal the fact that he was an ex-Major League player, instead telling his Kalabaw Tribe members that he was an amateur motocross rider who owned a ranch and motorcycle dealership in Texas.

Of course, Jeff neglected to remember that he still has the signature porn 'stache that he sported his entire big league career spanning the early 1990's until he retired after the 2008 season.

I know that Jeff Kent loves his signature racist mustache so much that he kept it well past it's fashionable prime of 1985, but don't you think he'd have been smart enough to shave it before coming on a show like Survivor if the former National League MVP wanted to conceal his identity?

And as it turned out, Jeff Kent's mustache was just the clue that Sarah Dawson needed to piece together his true identity.

"I used to spend time with a guy who was really into baseball, and I know who Jeff Kent is. There's been no mention of him being a former professional athlete who's made probably $30 million."

Of course, I found it odd that Sarah referred to her source as a guy she used to spend time with. It seems to me that if it was a friend, you'd just call him a "friend," or if it was an ex-boyfriend, you'd say "my ex-boyfriend."

I'm a huge baseball fan, and while I'd probably eventually piece together who Jeff Kent was, I'm not even sure that I'd make that connection on day one, especially if I was from Maryland and my only connection to the game was some guy I used to hang out with.

So my best guess is that the guy Sarah "used to spend time with" was one of the show's producers who tipped her off to who Jeff really was.

For some reason Dana, the cute little lesbian from Arkansas, saw Jeff as a prospective partner to align with, probably showing why she's better off with women than the men she grew up with in the deep South.

"I'm from the South...I grew up ridin' 4-wheelers, fishin'. I can fight any boy in the trailer park that would ever challenge me, so maybe me and Jeff can pull some southern roots together and bond on that."

Of course, Dana failed to realize that Jeff Kent's homophobe, who's redneck roots have lead him to donate money against Proposition 8, so I'm guessing that her proposed alliance might not work out.

Returning player Jonathan Penner alienated himself from the rest of the Kalabaw Tribe by going off on his own and looking for the hidden Immunity Idol, and while he did not actually find it, he did find a clue to where it was hidden.

At the Tandang Tribe, the narcissistic Peter said, "Ari keeps staring at me, and I think that's going to be a big advantage." Of course he did not realize that Abi and RC had just giggled aloud while calling him "stupid."

Ironically, Michael is really an engineer, while Abi Maria Gomes unsuccessfully tried to cram her ass into her buff and wear it as a micro mini skirt while exclaiming, "My ass is too big...My big Brazilian booty!"

Nonetheless, RC and Ari still made an alliance with Peter and Michael, while former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel went virtually unrecognized and actually found herself ostracized from the rest of the Tribe.

In fact, Lisa refused to divulge who she was even after Michael urged her to do so since the younger tribe members like RC and Abi were already starting to call her "fake." And by fake, they really meant to say "old." 

Returning contestant Michael, who was medically evacuated from the game in Survivor's second season when he fell into the fire, reflected on his decision to return to play the game for the first time since season two.

"A lot of people that said maybe you should never play again, because now you're opening yourself up to the legend of what I was, to what I am today."

Fortunately Michael did nothing to diminish his legacy, as he picked up right where he left off and collected wounds to his finger, hand, head and foot, any of which appeared to be deep enough to pose an infection risk in their moist tropical climate.

That caused Peter to say, "Mike's a complete mess. It's not funny that he gets hurt, but it's funny that it happens over and over again...We'll see when we get a fire what happens."

At the Matsing Tribe, Zane proved that he was the most overwhelmed contestant to play the game of Survivor from an intellectual standpoint since Leif Manson, who as a little person was still more capable of playing from a physical standpoint than Zane.

Zane alienated himself at Matsing by trying to make an alliance with every single one of his tribemates, then doing little to conceal that fact.

Caught up in his own little white trash purple haze, at least Zane got to enjoy his one day on national TV thinking that he was the best player on Survivor since "Johnny Fairplay," not realizing that his tribemates were already comparing notes about how he was trying to play all sides.

"I'm already a superstar. I made alliances with everybody on the tribe...It's really up to me now to pick them apart."

On the other hand, Denise, the 41-year-old sex therapist from Iowa made an unlikely alliance with Malcolm, the 25-year-old ex Dartmouth football player who seems content in life just partying and working as a bartender.

Meanwhile, Russell Swan repeatedly told his Matsing tribemates that he did not want them to assume that he was their leader just because he was a returning player explaining, "Because there's always some guy who's an idiot (who says), 'I think I should be the leader.'"

Ironically, that idiot turned out to be Russell, who still couldn't override his instincts with intellect and immediately began bossing his tribe around and telling them how to set up camp and divide up tasks for the Immunity Challenge.

In fact, when it came to the Immunity Challenge Russell made the ditsy beauty queen Angie put together the tribe's puzzle even though she specifically told him that she was not good at doing them, while having the fat chain smoker Zane run the obstacle course when he had a triathlete like Denise as a better option.

That Immunity Challenge required each of the three tribes to assign different sets of players to run through an obstacle course and to get a set of paddles, canoe out into the ocean and get a bag of clues, and then solve the aforementioned puzzle.

Sure enough, Matsing finished in dead last when Russell literally had to drag Zane to the finish of the obstacle course and Angie looked more confused working on her puzzle than a Mormon without a mountain bike, making them the first tribe to go to Tribal Council.

It wasn't fair of Russell to make Angie Layton do the puzzle at the Immunity Competition. After all, the girl has enough problems figuring out a way to fit her fake boobs into a bikini top, let alone complete a 5th grade level puzzle.

Back at Matsing, Russell caught a break when he found the clue to the hidden Immunity Idol in the rice jar while preparing to cook. However, Zane saw him reading the clue as he snuck off into the ocean, raising his suspicions.

In reference to his poor performance as one of the runners at the Immunity Challenge, Zane threw himself under the bus saying, "I deserve it," referencing how Russell had to literally drag him to the end since he had just quit smoking before coming on the show.

Drinking Monster Energy Drink and chain smoking is not the ideal way to prepare for an opportunity of a lifetime like being on Survivor.

Of course, Zane wasn't trying to get himself voted out, he was just trying to manipulate the rest of the tribe. "My whole reason I'm throwing my neck on the chopping block is to establish that I'm running the game."

Zane then took a page out of Sarah Palin's political strategy book.

"This whole rogue that I just threw on was just to feel out my tribe...So hopefully everybody loves me to the point that they'd rather have me as a hindrance over Russell...You ain't never seen a move like this in Survivor history."

I think that Zane meant to use the word "ruse" instead of "rogue," but other than than that, the Sarah Palin analogy still applies to his strategy and game play.

For some reason, Zane's redneck mind trick seemed to be working, as Malcolm and Angie both considered keeping him around over Russell. Their only concern in doing so was that Russell might had found the hidden Immunity Idol.

And if there was any doubt that Zane wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, which is ironic in that he literally works in a tool shed, he proclaimed that he was 100% sure that Russell did in fact have the Immunity Idol, even though he didn't.

That all but assured that they would send him home for fear that Russell might end up playing it.

And while Zane tried to sell himself at Tribal Council over Russell by saying returning players are "like an onion, the more you peel back, the more you cry," he was voted out, cementing Zane's legacy as one of the worst contestants to ever play the game.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

The Big Brother 14 Blog: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'm a dumb ass"

Click here to get the most up to date Big Brother 14 Blog posts

Danielle began the final two episodes in shock that Dan broke his word to her and sent her boyfriend Shane home...You know, because she apparently didn't watch the way he played the game all summer.

Danielle confronted Dan by demanding to know, "Why do you continuously lie to me?"

However, Dan cut her off by saying, "Sit down." And like any true southern girl, Danielle immediately did exactly what the guy told her, and she "popped a squat."

After Danielle settled the fuck down, the final three contestants sat and reminisced about the game over brunch. That caused Dan to say, "This beats Chef Joe's cooking any day."

So you don't add oil to the salmon because it's a naturally oily fish...But then you drench your beautiful creation with fucking mayonnaise after you cook it???

That pretty much wasted the better part of the episode, unless you like scripted questions like, "Ian, do you remember when you and Ashley went on that date?"

As if Ian was going to say, "No," and just let them move on to the next question without any flashbacks that the producers had pre-prepared.

After the first of a three part final HOH competition began, we learned that Ian had made a deal with Dan drop out first in return for Dan voting Shane out at the last elimination ceremony.

In what turned out to be an endurance contest where the contestants were dunked into a pond while hanging onto a rope and then slammed repeatedly into a wall, Ian held true to his word.

Dan then tried his best to convince a skeptical Danielle that he had her best interests in mind by evicting Shane when he told her about his deal where Ian would quite 10 minutes into the competition.

Dan then did the inexplicable and asked Danielle to drop out of the first round of the HOH contest, just as he did with Ian.

Danielle protested by saying, "You're asking me to throw my game...Do you know why I'm scared? Your actions, Dan!"

Dan then reasoned with her by asking, "Did he drop after ten minutes?" That caused Danielle to stammer, "Yeah, but...You drive me crazy!"

I don't know how Dan sold it, but something he said triggered Danielle Murphree's innermost daddy issues and got her to intentionally drop from her rope, giving Dan the win in round 1 of the HOH Competition and a free pass into round 3.

Danielle agreeing to throw the first leg of the HOH Competition caused Dan to gush, "I just won the 1st round of the final HOH because I convinced not one, but two people into dumping their chances of winning $500,000 all for me!"

Dan then hatched a contingency plan with Danielle in the event that Ian won the 2nd round of the HOH.

That plan involved Dan congratulating Ian in the event that he won by saying, "We did it," with Danielle intentionally overhearing and calling Ian out for double dealing with her in the attempt to get Ian to drop out of the 3rd round of the HOH Competition with the threat that she would rat him out to the Jury.

And while Ian did go on to win the 2nd round of the Final HOH, he refused Dan's request to throw the third round.

When Dan and Danielle hatched their act Ian said, "Guys, I ain't playin' it, knock it off." Surprisingly, that made Ian the first person all summer to foil one Dan's crazy plans.

Ian then went on to defeat Dan in the final round of the HOH, which required them to guess the correct ending to various quotes about the game that were made by members of the Jury.

While Ian would have had a clear path to victory by taking Danielle and her constantly expanding ass along with him to the final two, he surprisingly remained true to his word to Dan, who may have played the best strategic game in the history of Big Brother ever and sent Danielle home.

I don't know if it was the slop or Chef Joe's cooking, but over the course of the summer, Danielle Murphree turned into a brick shit-house. 

As Ian and Dan were confronted with questions from members of the Jury, Dan held to a plan of complimenting his competitors and telling them that he did what he needed to do.

Meanwhile, Ian pleaded his case by saying that he changed sides and turned on Frank and Mike Boogie in order to put his fate in the game in his own hands.

When Danielle asked Ian why he thought that Dan would take him to the end instead of her, Ian dropped the bomb that her assumption was erroneous.

Ian then revealed that Dan had given him his grandfather's gold cross as security that he would not break his word, and then reiterated that statement in his final speech to the Jury by saying, "His grandfather's cross..."

Ian's revelation once again left Danielle Murphree with her mouth agape with nothing to stick in it after having put all of her trust in one man.

In response to Dan's comment that he was up to his elbows in blood, Joe asked, "What blood are you talking about, and what blood are your trying to take credit for?"

Joe apparently forgot that Dan single handedly sent every single member of the Jury out of the game, thinking for a moment that he was "immaculately evicted," even though he got fucked by Dan just like everyone else.

For some reason Jenn seemed to harbour some type of resentment towards Ian saying, "Where I come from, rats eat cheese." True to her statement of giving a rat a reward that it would absolutely love, she flipped her vote in the end in favor of Ian.

Janelle supported Dan's game by saying, "If (Dan) doesn't win Big Brother 14, it's an absolute travesty." However, the Jury seemed put off by Dan's back-stabbing and voted for Ian to win the $500,000 7-1.

While Danielle had said, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'm a dumb ass" after Dan had evicted Shane, she went on to add a fouth to the equation.

As the only Jury vote in Dan's favor, even though he reportedly fucked her over during the course of the game, Danielle took the terms "fool me" and "I'm a dumb ass" to an exponential level."

Janelle did have some interesting words for Danielle, seemingly calling her out for her lies for no apparent reason.

However, if you've been watching the after hour live feeds, Danielle Murphree had apparently told a series of lies including having been abused, kidnapped, treated for breast cancer and a number of other ridiculous claims.

Not only does her  butt seem to waffle, but interviews with some of her former friends revealed that Danielle Murphree may be a habitual liar...Not just to further her game, but to the extent that she may have some serious mental problems.

After prematurely proclaiming himself as the best player in Big Brother history earlier in the season, Mike Boogie had to endure Connie Chung's question about whether Dan had cemented that title during this season's game.

As much as it obviously pained him, Boogie had very little he could say against Dan since he was sitting with the rest of the losers who didn't even make it the Jury, while even Chef Joe Arvin had a Jury vote and a final say in the matter.

Speaking of Joe, the night concluded with Frank winning America's Favorite House Guest and a $25,000 consolation prize, and Wil doing his best impersonation of Joe hating on Dan in true Big Brother fashion.

And to prospectively answer your questions...There's no fucking way that Shane Meaney and Danielle Murphree are ever going to date in real life...Not only is he gay, but that bitch be crazy...See y'all next summer!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - Meet The Cast

Survivor - Philippines is upon us. This season the contestants are being divided into three tribes.

Twists include the return of three former contestants who had to be medically evacuated from their respective seasons, Immunity Idols to be hidden in plain sight with clues in each tribes' rice bowls, and more water based challenges based upon their location this season.

Oh yeah, and in addition to the three returning former players, all of the other contestants are in some way related to Russell Hantz, which really isn't even a twist anymore, it's more like par for the course.

Now let's get to know the contestants and break down their pros and cons based upon their official bios on the CBS website.

Tandang Tribe

Abi-Maria Gomes - A 32-year-old business student from Los Angeles who has dual Brazilian citizenship.

Pros: Much like fellow Brazilian Gisele Bundchen, I can't figure out of if Abi-Maria is really good looking or secretly a man from just looking at her face.

Cons: Avi-Maria is arrogant enough to claim that Parvati was "as charming as she is," so I'm thinking that she might not be quite as awesome as she seems to think she is.

Abi-Maria Gomes

Lisa Whelchel - A 49-year-old ex-child star from Dallas, Texas.

Pros: Lisa used to play Blair on the popular show The Facts of Life. She is now an avid member of Kirk Cameron's ministries.

Cons: Unless there are any unexpected twists that I'm not aware of, Tootie isn't coming onto the show to help Blair with her social game.

Lisa Whelchel

Pete Yurkowski - A 24-year-old engineering graduate from New Jersey

Pros: Peter would seem to be relatively book smart and physically fit on paper.

Cons: He lists his hobbies as, "Going to bars and meeting girls, going to the gym, and making beats," proving he took MTV's The Jersey Shore just a little too seriously. Peter also put off a real career as engineer and is apparently working for Willhelmina Models.

Pete Yukowski

Roberta "RC" Saint-Amour - A 27-year-old investment banker from New York.

Pros: "RC" is a competitive swimmer who has swam the English Channel and holds several high school and collegiate records, which should be of benefit to her when it comes to the additional water challenges this season.

Cons: "RC" lists herself as the "112th Wellesley Hoop Rolling Champion," so the Jury may not be willing to give her the million dollars since she already owns one prestigous title.

Roberta "RC" Saint-Amour

Artis Sylvester - A 53-year-old computer engineer from Louisiana.

Pros: Cancer survivor and super fan of the show having applied to be on over twenty times, so he has resiliency and a knowledge of the game on his side.

: Artis lists his inspiration as his ex-wife and "prays everyday that we are brought back together." I'm sure that type of desperation on national TV will lure her back, even if he doesn't win the million dollars.

Artis Sylvester

Michael Skupin - A 50-year-old author, coach and motivational speaker from Michigan, Michael was medically evacuated from Survivor: Australian Outback after passing out and falling into the campfire, an accident that as Jeff Probst said "left his skin peeling off his fingers."

Pros: A natural hunter and out-doors man, Michael is in great shape for his age.

Cons: PTSD may prevent him from completing any challenge that involves building fire.

Michael Skupin

Kalabaw Tribe

Kate Hanson 24-year-old former Miss Delaware.

Pros: She's easy on the eyes.

Cons: Lists toilet paper and her "Miss Delaware sweater" as two items that she wishes she could bring on the show...I'm guessing that she may not be cut out for the whole Survivor experience.

Katie Hanson

Sarah Dawson - A 28-year-old insurance salesperson from Silver Springs, Maryland.

Pros: Seems to have the personality to be a strong social player.

Cons: Her relatively modest swimsuit may help or hurt, depending upon how her tribe plays out.

Sarah Dawson

Carter Williams - A 24-year old track coach from Kansas.

Pros: Carter ran track in college, so he should have endurance and fitness on his side. He also claims to be adept at climbing trees, which could be an asset in providing food for his tribe or finding the hidden Immunity Idol.

Cons: He's not in Kansas anymore, and Carter may be just a little too young and naive for the competitive nature of the game.

Carter Williams

Dana Lambert - A 32-year-old cosmetologist who came out of the closet at a young age while living in the south.

Pros: I always seem to have a soft spot for the cute little lesbian girls.

Cons: While she claims to be a country girl who enjoys the outdoors, she's never swam in an ocean before.

Dana Lambert

Jonathan Penner - This 50-year-old former contestant from Survivor: Cook Islands and Survivor: Micronesia is an actor and writer who penned an Oscar nominated short film.

Pros: A proven a schemer and strategist.

Cons: One of the most arrogant players and biggest bitches to ever play the game, so he definitely has the potential to rub his tribe members the wrong way, especially since he's on the same tribe with...

Jonathan Penner
Jeff Kent, a/k/a "The Racist Mustache" - 44-year-old former Major League Baseball player.

Cons: One of two Major League players that I can remember in the past 15-years to be accused of being a racist by a fellow player or teammate...The other was John Rocker.

Pros: After being accused of being a racist, former teammate Lance Berkman came to Kent's defense by claiming that he's not a racist, but that he just hates everyone equally...But especially if you're black.

Jeff Kent

Matsing Tribe

Malcolm Freberg - 25-year-old bartender living in Hermosa Beach, CA.

Pros: Played college football at Dartmouth. Comes across as a party jock, so he's probably pretty social.

Cons: Way too cocky. Lists O.J. Simpson as one of the people who inspired him. Parlayed an Ivy League education into working as a bartender.

Malcolm Freberg

Roxy Morris - A 28-year-old Seminary student from Brooklyn, NY.

Cons: Roxy is Survivor's typical bible thumper, where everything she says seems to have to do with her religion.

Pros: She's got that joy, joy, joy, down in her heart...So she has that going for her.

Roxy Morris

Zane Knight - A 28-year-old "tire repair" man from Virginia.

Cons: Zane claims to be wilder than Brandon Hantz. He looks like a chronic weed smoker and may have racist tattoos.

Pros: They are still casting for the pilot of America's Deadliest Tow-Trucks on TLC.

Zane Knight

Angie Layton - A 20-year-old former Miss Teen Utah, and 3rd place in Miss Teen USA.

Pros: Her fake boob job is nice.

Cons: She's likely married to a polygamist and has four kids at the age of 20.

Angie Layton

Denise Stapley - A 41-year-old sex therapist from Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

Pros: Denise runs triathlons, seems to be in great shape for her age, and lists her luxuray item as a strong sports bra because nobody wants to see her "40 year old ta-tas dangling out," so at least we know she's considerate of of her tribe members and the viewing audience.

Cons: She's a sex therapist from Iowa, which relatively speaking is kind of like being an evolution professor in Mississippi. 

Denise Stapley

Russell Swan - An environmental attorney from Pennsylvania, Russell is a returning player who was medically evacuated out after suffering from severe dehydration or some type of heat stroke.

Pros:  He's played the game before.

Cons:  He literally almost died the first time he tried to play, so that may not be a good thing.

Russell Swan

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

The Big Brother 14 Blog: "If you don't take me to the final two, I will castrate you with a butter knife"

Click here to get the most up to date Big Brother 14 Blog posts

This week's episode began with a behind the scenes recap of what went on during last week's live double eviction.

During that recap we saw Ian: 1) Pray - "Please God, I'm begging you, I'm begging you, please;" 2) Begin crying; and then, 3) Say, "(It) was one of the best feelings I've ever had in my life."

Sadly, that's exactly how the night I ever had sex for the first time played out for me.

In actuality, we learned that Dan had originally targeted Ian last week under the guise of putting him up as a pawn, only to see Ian save himself by winning the Power of Veto and then this week's HOH.

Dan had to struggle to keep his multiple final two deals together, as Danielle was pissed at him for putting her up as a replacement nominee. "This is the third time Dan has pulled a fast one on me."

Meanwhile, Jenn "Shitty" was pissed at Dan too...Because apparently she didn't appreciate the way he carried her fat ass all the way to the final five even though she didn't make a meaningful game move without his prompting all summer.

Lesbians...They never dp seem to appreciate everything men do for them.

As HOH, Ian was the first house guest in Big Brother history to be presented with the opportunity to open Pandora's Box for a second time.

For some reason, Ian again risked his position of power in the house with a potential negative outcome on the line in order to pursue a reward in what he thought was a message from home, especially since he knew that Rachel Reilly's "box" was still out there.

With a teaser that he would receive a message from "somebody who loved him," and with a picture of his parents on the screen, to nobody's surprise Ian instead received a message from Big Brother's favorite venereal disease, Season 13 winner Rachel Reilly.

As a former Vegas "Go-Girl," Rachel Reilly was happier a whore in a strip club locker room. No wait, that might be the saddest place on earth, but for some reason Rachel still looks happy!

As Rachel went on and on about how she won Big Brother 13 by relying on her fiance Brendan, Ian was heard complaining, "It's like I'm on a bad date...I'm going to vomit," which is exactly how I'd expect somebody like Ian to react to being on a date with a chick who has a penis.

Finally, a NuvaRing big enough to fit Rachel Reilly's vagina.

The rest of the house fared better with Ian's decision to open Rachel's Box, with each contestant getting a videotaped message from a loved one at home.

The three things we learned from those messages were: Danielle Murphree's parents still don't approve of her being on Big Brother, as her sister was the one who sent her a message; Dan Gheesling's wife Chelsea is smoking hot; and,  So is Shane Meaney's sister.

After Ian nominated Jenn and Shane, Jenn talked about how bad she needed to win the POV by proclaiming, "It's in my soul, it's in my blood." And when she said she was "a fighter," she really meant to say "Rod Stewart."

For the first time all summer, Danielle began to question whether Shane was really into her. And shortly after Jenn seemed to convince her that he was playing her, Shane won the POV and earned a "secret" outside of the house reward that he elected to bring Danielle along with him on.

And just like that, we discovered the one thing that could make the U.S. Women's Gold Medal Olympic Team instantaneously less peppy...A visit from Danielle and Shane.

After affirming to Danielle that they were "officially on their first date," Shane took advantage of it by asking her, "Are you gonna let me sleep in your bed tonight?" Danielle then played it totally cool by excitedly responding, "You want to?!?"

Usually when guys start dating a girl, they hope she doesn't turn into her mom. Somehow, with all of her weight gain, Danielle Murphree has managed to become her mom in the course of a single summer, which is why Shane appears to be tuning her out and forcing her to give him a blow job.

Danielle went on to say, "This is one of the top moments in my life so far." Unfortunately, she wasn't referring to meeting the only official "Fab Fab" in the history of U.S. sports, but rather to the fact that a boy had just asked her if it was okay to crawl into bed together for the first time.

Deciding to use his POV, Shane took himself off the block, which left Ian to put up Danielle as a replacement nominee. However, Jenn was still voted off by a vote of 2-0.

Jenn then proceeded to do the most interesting thing she did all summer in scarfing down a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that Connie Chung had offered her since she had been on slop the whole second half of the summer, although I'm thinking that the producers of Big Brother could have splurged for some pizza...Or at least some tuna casserole.

The HOH Competition consisted of a "Photographic Memory" contest, in which the players had to match photos of former house guests to true or false questions. And while Ian claimed to actually have a photographic memory, it was Danielle who actually ended up winning HOH.

We next got our first glimpse at the Jury House, where Brittney seemed to have gotten over having been betrayed by Dan, in what turned out to be a brilliant move that left her blindsided.

Out of respect for his game Brittney said, "Dan definitely burned me in the end. 'Funeral Gate,' shall we say...We all got played by Dan...It's like a club, it's called 'The Jury House.'"

In a strategic move, Dan told Danielle that it was alright if she nominated him along with Ian, showing good faith for his trust in Shane, and she obliged.

The POV Competition was another tailor made contest for Ian called, "Atomic Veto," as it consisted of solving a molecular style puzzle by matching clues with the picture of of one of several potentially correct house guests as answers.

However, Ian struggled with the competition. As Dan said, "After Ian hits the buzzer, I knew he's not right, because I hear him internally melt down and make some type of monster noise."

After Danielle won the POV, Dan convinced her to use it on him, saying he'd be the more trustworthy vote to ensure that the two of them made the final three along with Shane.

Surprisingly, Shane went along with the plan after Danielle after Danielle approached him and assured him that Dan was not going to vote him out. You know...Because he's a male model.

Danielle went as far as to tell Dan, "If you don't take me to the final two, I will castrate you with a butter knife!"

However, Danielle failed to make that same threat to Dan's noisemaker when it came to protecting Shane, and Dan backdoored him as the sole vote to evict.

That cause Ian to hyperventilate and pace around the Big Brother house on his toes while excitedly muttering, "What - Just - Happened!?!"

Danielle was less than pleased that Dan sent the guy who really didn't care about her at all home, demanding to know, "How many times have you broken my trust Dan?"

Danielle probably would have been fine getting backdoored by Shane, but for some reason, she was shocked when Shane got backdoored by Dan...Perhaps the pink shirts should have been her first clue.

Dan then tried to convince Danielle that all of his moves were designed to ensure that she made it to the final two, without Danielle realizing that he didn't want to bring her there as her former Coach and help her win, but as a player, because he wanted somebody that he knew he could beat in the end.

Big Brother 14 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Week 9:

3. Ian Terry - As good as Ian is playing, is he really prepared to win the game? I mean, would winning totally go to his head, causing him to drop out of school and fly to Vegas and hook up with Rachel Reilly when she hits on him because he's obviously played the game superior to Brendon?

2. Danielle Murphree - After being informed that a special eviction would be taking place a day early, Danielle and Shane jumped to action...Not to work their strategy, but to primp themselves for the live cameras.

The only thing I can't figure out is why aren't Danielle's finger nails aren't painted.

1. Dan Gheesling - If Brittney Haynes becomes a correspondent for ET Tonight as I have advocated, three time author of motivational type books, Dan Gheesling is the new Tony Robbins. Seriously, there are a lot of stupid people out there, and the contestants on Big Brother this year all seem to be buying whatever Dan has to say.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

The Big Brother 14 Blog: "Can you throw me my pants? I'm not wearing much"

Click here to get the most up to date Big Brother 14 Blog posts

With last week's HOH Competition still in progress and Joe failing to last longer than Jerry Sandusky at a Justin Bieber concert, he became subject to a punishment for finishing in last place pursuant to "America's Vote."

I know I've used this one before, but to give Joe Arvin credit, he did last slightly longer in the HOH Competition than he did the night he went to bed thinking about Jenn Arroyo.

The punishment that America subjected Joe to was a "Hula-Hoop Boot Camp," where he was subjected to doing the hula-hoop every time the military tune Revelry was played for a period of 24-hours.

As Shane said, "There's nothing fun about watching a middle aged, overweight, half-naked guy jump up on his bed and do the hula-hoop at midnight."

Strangely though, that sounds like something that Mike Boogie would have paid extra for, at least according to the lawsuit filed by his ex-business partner.

In a strategic move, Ian asked Dan to come back and reunite The Quack Pack even though Dan broke that alliance by outing them to Frank in order to save himself last week.

Dan was actually on board saying, "Last week you saw me host my own funeral and swear my allegiance to Frank. Now I'm flipping it around. I'm hosting Frank's funeral and swearing my allegiance to The Quack Pack."

Danielle continued to pursue her one sided Showmance with Shane, especially after receiving some mis-information from Jenn, who told her Shane had said he was torn up last week having to choose between sending his coach and girlfriend friend.

Upon hearing the word "girlfriend," Danielle may have tinkled in her pants just a little bit when she gushed, "Did he really?" Of course, Jenn misunderstood Shane, who had actually said that he was torn between having to choose between his Coach and his hag.

Danielle later thought that Dan was trying to help her out romantically by getting Shane to switch beds so he would sleep with her.

"I think Dan's trying to get him out of this (bed) and get Shane to sleep with me...C'mon, do you really think something will happen in a room full of dudes?"

As much as any man would love to sleep with the post weight gain, no make-up version of Danielle Murphree, she's probably right about nothing romantic happening between her and Shane in a room full of dudes...She'd just be wrong if she thought that the decision not to was hers.

As the new Head of Household, Ian couldn't have been happier to get his own room, kind of like the kid who just graduated from a bunk bed that he shared with his younger brother.

Ian relived his childhood, first by jumping up and down on his bed, and then by asking Dan, Danielle and Shane, "Can one of you throw me my pants, I'm not wearing much," after they came up to talk to him as he was laying in bed without any pants on.

Ian decided to work with Dan again and nominate Frank and Jenn for eviction, but not before living the total Big Brother experience by opening Pandora's Box.

As we know, Pandora's Box brings the opportunity for a reward, but at the same time unleashes some type of negative consequence upon the house.

While Ian was thrilled to win $1,000 and some cheap scientific toy kits, the negative consequence was former contestant Jessie Godderz, who entered the house dressed in a gay Santa Claus outfit saying, "Ho-Ho-Holy cow I look good."

Now a low level professional wrestler who dubs himself as "Mr. Rectacular" after posing naked for some gay pornography, former Big Brother contestant Jessie Godderz entered the Big Brother house to remove the contestents junk food and replace it with healthy alternatives...Like steroids and human growth hormone.

After engaging in a penis measuring contest with Shane (they both lost), Jessie finally left the house to Frank saying, "Peace out, and stay out!"

An obviously confused Danielle said, "I've never seen a Santa in a speedo," which in Alabama is just about as rare as seeing a person of Mexican descent.

In the POV Competition, we saw the return of "Otev The Alien," who had crash landed and needed to re-fuel his spaceship with corn to get back home.

Otev told he contestants that they were required to answer questions about their fellow house guests by finding husks with the name of the correct answer, and then "kneeling on a vacant sack and presenting your corn to me."

To add an extra element of difficulty, when the correct answer was Mike Boogie, the corn cob they were looking for was the one with the genital wart.

Upon seeing the Roswell like crash scene in the back yard Joe commented, "I walked out back and thought for sure I was back home. I saw cows, pigs, I saw corn. Have I ever seen a UFO? I've had some sightings, but I couldn't say I was that clear headed."

Having won the POV, Dan continued to play both sides, persuading Ian to put Frank up without having to get his own hands dirty, while making Frank think they were still working together.

In fact, Frank even agreed that Dan should use the POV on Jenn instead of himself so as to avoid suspicion from the rest of the house that they were working together. Of course, Dan saw as the perfect opportunity to backdoor him.

That allowed Dan to return Jenn's favor from last week and take her off the nomination block. "Where I'm from, the hardworking town of Dearborn, Michigan, I was taught you don't make deals until you pay back your debts."

Willie Hantz: And in Lafayette, Louisiana, you learn that if you are drunk in a parking lot where police are investigating a fight, you jump in your bright yellow Camaro and try to flee...Because that's what guys who drive Camaros and/or have the last name Hantz do.

That left Ian to act like he was upset with Dan, and put Joe on the block as a replacement nominee as a pawn against Frank. "Dan you continue to stir up the pot...For the lack of no other option, I've decided to nominate Joe."

With Frank believing he was the a pawn to send Joe home, Dan almost blew his game when discussing their worst case scenario for who would win the next HOH.

Dan blurted out, "What about Joe though? What if Joe pulled out a miracle," not realizing that he was telling this to the person that he just assured would be staying in the house in the upcoming vote over Joe.

That caused Dan to say, "Oh crap! Did I just let that slip in front of Frank?"

As bad as Dan's near blunder was, Joe took the prize for drinking "stupid juice" after Dan suspiciously quizzed him on who'd he'd nominate in the event he won the HOH.

Annoyed by Dan's interrogation, Joe blurted out, "Could he BE any dumber?" He then proceeded to walk into a dark bedroom and divulge, "Dan chased me in here as soon as I went to bed." When he asked "who?" Joe again replied, "Dan did."

Dan practically couldn't refrain from giggling when he said, "This is Dan!" Realizing that he had just got busted in a dark bedroom for the second time in just a few weeks, all Joe could manage to say was, "What's up!"

Frank was still confident that he would stay in the house saying, "On the block is just like going to work." Of course he was voted out 3-1, which was kind of fitting since he's unemployed.

In what was revealed to be a double elimination week, the contestants immediately competed in a second HOH Competition, which was a quick Q and A based upon quotes from different house guests. Dan ended up winning, and put up Joe and Ian as his nominees.

When Ian won the Power of Veto, Dan put up Danielle as a replacement nominee, although she didn't look all that happy with Dan as she talked to Jenn about being on the block.

In fact, the timing might be right for Jenn, Danielle and Shane to break away from Dan and Ian and work together, which I would call the "Gay, Straight and Bi Alliance."

While Joe proclaimed, "I'm the single biggest threat - in the kitchen" at his pre-vote speech, he still ended up getting voted out 3-0.

Not only is Chef Joe Arvin correct about being the biggest threat in the kitchen due to the e-coli threat from his reluctance to wash his hands after pooping, he apparently went to the worst culinary school in all of America...Oh wait, he's from Kentucky. 

And as Joe was interviewed upon exiting the house, Connie Chung then got to the only question that mattered. "Everyone wants to know the answer to this question. What is that on your chin?"

As it turns out, Joe informed the audience that it was just there to wipe up the remnants from one of Jessie Godderz's famous protein shakes.

And while Joe may not have won the game of Big Brother, he certainly brought enough negative publicity about his cooking skills and personal hygiene to put his restaurant out of business for ever.

Big Brother 14 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Week 8:

5. Jenn Arroyo - When he put Jenn on the nomination block Ian said, "You've played a remarkable social game so far, and you're also a threat," proving that even "America's Sweetheart" Ian isn't above telling a lie or two in the Big Brother house.

4. Shane Meaney - In an article posted on his alma mater's web site at Lydon State Community College, Shane was quoted as saying, “I hope to win America over. I want the girls to want to be with me. And I want the guys to want to be me. I’m pretty confident.”

What I think he meant to say was, “I want the girls to want to be with me. And I want the guys to want to be with me.”

3. Danielle Murphree - From time to time people arrive at my blog by Google searching questions they have about the show. For example, this week someone arrived by searching, "What make-up does Danielle Murphree wear?"

As a player, Danielle needs to consider breaking away from Dan or Shane and making a big move so as to avoid making it to the end, only to lose votes for riding on the coat-tails of other players. Perhaps leading a break from The Quack Pack and aligning with Jenn and Shane would get her the respect that she'd need to win a jury vote.

And to answer the question, "What make-up does Danielle Murphree wear?" The correct answer is, "all of it."

2. Ian Terry - Aside from Dan, Ian's playing the best game in the Big Brother house, and this week he was rewarded for winning the HOH with some gifts from home.

After receiving some gifts from home, Dan came into Ian's HOH Room and fondled his monkey, which is the most action Ian's received in the Big Brother house since Britney and Ashley forcibly raped him and shaved his armpit hair..

1. Dan Gheesling - Dan has made pretty much played the perfect game in making every move that he's needed to make to stay in the game despite having the deck stacked against him from the start.

The question that remains is whether or not those moves will cost him votes on the Jury when it comes to people that he's screwed over like Frank, Britney, Jenn and Joe...Well maybe not Jenn and Joe...You actually have to play the game to get screwed over.