Monday, July 23, 2012

The Bachelorette Blog - "'I'm not going to be the girl that gets engaged 15 times before she gets married"

As we began the final episode of The Bachelorette, Chris Harrison promised us the most shocking television moment of the summer.

True to his word, we quickly found out that finalist Jef was related to to Survivor super-villain Russell Hantz, just like every other personality on reality TV.

Unlike Ricky Hendricks' family, Emily's parents showed up for the finale.

Lucky for Emily, her ex-fiance had a net worth of $15 million when he died, and his family bought her that big house in Charlotte before they disowned her for whoring herself out on national TV.

First up was Jef, who met with Emily's brother, who took a shovel to the face in a horrific West Virginia bar fight that left him without the ability show show any type of emotion or facial expression.

Jef earned the favor of Emily's father by asking for his permission to marry and buying him a case of beer.

Emily's parents had their guard up when Arie entered the house, but he won them over with his ability to drive race cars and pay for expensive things. Emily's mom, Suzy, then reminded her to weigh her financial options before getting engaged.

Emily's mom seemed a bit apprehensive as she tried to remember if she ever had had a one night stand with Arie's father, racing legend Cari Luyendyk, because there's no fucking way that Emily and her brother came from the exact same genetic stock.

After Jef asked Emily some difficult questions about what it would be like to help raise a handicapped daughter, Emily finally broke down and decided to introduce him to little Ricki because she felt so strongly for him.

Jef said, "I've been waiting to see her for so long...She's funny, creative and wild, and like she's like so fun. And I don't even know how to describe it," as he was looking for the polite way of asking Emily whether or not her daughter was mentally retarded.

We also caught a glimpse of a tattoo on Jef's arm. which may said "Thug Life." That obviously threw Emily for a loop considering that she's dated country music singers Jake Owen and Jerrod Niemann, because everybody knows that rap and country just don't mix...That is, everyone except for Nelly and Tim McGraw.

Before Emily went on her date with Arie, she had decided that she was going to choose Jef, so she pretended to cry to Chris Harrison for a few minutes as she thought about the racing life that she was about to leave behind.

Emily then met with Arie to break the news to him. Arie told Emily that he was "shocked," and then slammed the car door on her as he raced off to re-connect with Emily's friend and his former girlfriend, Bachelorette producer Cassie Lambert.

In the end, Emily chose to become part of Jef's bottled watter empire, saying, "I'm not going to be the girl that gets engaged 15 times before she gets married," which was a bit overly dramatic considering that this is only her third engagement by the age of 26.

As Emily accepted Jef's proposal, little Ricki came running out, reminding us all that a 6 year-old is not too young to start wearing a training bra.

After the Final Rose, we learned that Arie flew to Charlotte to get an explanation from Emily. However, Emily presumably ignored Arie's advances, just like she ignored the journal that he left with her to win her over.

Strangely, Arie and Jef remain close friends even though Arie flew to Charlotte after the show to try and win Emily back.

Surprisingly, red Solo cups don't prevent birth defects if you drink while you're pregnant.

We also learned that Emily and Jef are still a happy couple, and that he plans on moving to North Carolina where they will try to start having children...And if they're lucky, the next one won't be born with a disability.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

The Bachelorette Blog - "I just hope you have faith in something other than your Prada shoes and your rented helicopter"

With only one week until the finale, it was time for The Men Tell All episode, because there's nothing more manly than a bunch of dudes sitting around and gossiping about each other.

Emily began the show by talking with Chris Harrison about how her appearance on the show didn't negatively impact her six-year-old daughter, Ricki. "It didn't really affect her, she still got to have her time with mom."

Of course her daughter was called "baggage" by Kalon on national TV as the nation collectively sat and wondered if little Ricki was handicapped or not, but things like that apparently don't count.

Doug, the single dad, continued to stand up for Emily and little Ricki. "You don't refer to kids as baggage because kids can't help but be here."

Then again, Doug failed to consider that Emily didn't have to whore her daughter out in front of the camera as she tried to weed out the guys with their agendas in her shameless search to find another rich race car driver to become her boyfriend.

Chris Harrison reflected on Ryan's infamous comment about his potential mate gaining weight, "I would still love you, I just might not love on you as much," by saying by saying, "In the history of dumb comments by men..." before Emily interjected, "It might be in the top three."

Chris, who would fly into an angry tirade whenever the other guys knocked him for being immature, acknowledged that he acted childish during his time on the show, which proved their point in the most remedial of logic classes...and even Georgia.

When Chris gloated like a little kid about how their maturity didn't help them out much in the end when it came to Emily's final decision, Wolf reminded him that the show wasn't "a maturity contest," as Doug sighed in exasperation, "I don't know how many times we have to have this same conversation."

Chris was also put off by the fact that Ryan continued to pursue Emily even though he wasn't totally sure that he had feelings for her. "That personally offended me," to which Ryan replied, "You were offended by a lot of things."

When Ryan acknowledged that, "It was never fully about Emily, it was about me finding my wife," Chris shot back, "This was Emily's season, not your season."

Ryan claimed that he really wasn't "an arrogant ass," just that he was really confident in himself. I mean REALLY confident. "There's no doubt I'm confident in me, but I'm also confident in who God made me to be." I'm just hoping that ABC wins the bidding war to televise his resurrection.

Ryan also tried to explain that many of his comments that could have been construed as demeaning to women were taken out of context or were just bad moments when you're on camera 24/7 over six or seven weeks, to which Chris Harrison exclaimed, "You said a lot of things."

Oblivious to how slimy he comes across to women as, Ryan continued to lobby for being the star of  ABC's next project, The Bachelor - Trailer Park. "If I was the Bachelor, I would open my heart up and it would be neat for everyone to see."

Chris quickly shit in Ryan's Easter basket by saying, "I want to speak for ABC and put everybody's mind at ease...NOT going to happen."

Unfortunately, while Ryan Bower's confidence might have been NFL worthy, his talent, personality and facial hair were more on par with the Arena Football League.

Never one to avoid putting himself in really awkward and/or hostile situations, when Chris was called on stage to take the hot seat he said, "I don't want to."

As Chris approached the stage the mic picked Chris Harrison asking, "What are you doing?" before he segued into his interview by saying, "Thanks for starting this off on a weird note."

Chris apparently forgot to wear underwear to The Bachelorette's version of the Highlander Games, giving new meaning to the game "wrestle the stick away from the other guy." That caused Doug to demand, "Can you put that thing away" and joke by saying, "Bad day to go commando."

If it wasn't clear already, it became readily apparent that Sean would be named the next Bachelor when Chris Harrison introduced him by saying, "Why wasn't Sean among the final two men this season? After all, Emily referred to him as 'marriage material' and 'the perfect guy.' What went wrong?"

Emily came out by saying how good it was to see Sean again, once again leaving Chris sitting next to him feeling confused, hurt and angry. Chris then proceeded to demand an explanation from Emily as to why Sean got the shout-out instead of him.

Tony gave Emily a really awkward hug as she walked on stage, which was kind of like re-living Episode 3 for him all over again...Or any night out at the bar for that matter.

Emily continued to hype Sean up to be the next Bachelor when she said,"What girl wouldn't want Sean?" Of course, she failed to mention that, much like his time on the show this season, even his interview on The Guys Tell All was boring.

Chris Harrison asked Emily about her extremely awkward moment with Doug, which was not quite as uncomfortable as Doug's awkward moment with Chris at the Highlander Games. "When you were breaking up with him, he tried to kiss you."

Emily did acknowledge that she wanted a kiss from Doug on their first date before saying, "Didn't do it there....Decided to wait for the break-up."

As Emily laughed, "I never had the break-up talk and my first kiss with someone in the same conversation," Doug responded by saying, "I kind of read that one wrong," which is like saying that Emily "kind of" likes being in front of the camera.

Next on the hot seat was Kalon, who tried to explain why he risked alienating himself from the other guys by arriving at the mansion to meet Emily at the mansion via a helicopter. "I think if anyone else had arrived that way I would have arrived that way been genuinely interested in to hear their story."

Personally, I don't think it's fair for the producers of The Bachelorette to vilify someone for taking such a keen interest in helicopters after making them seem so exciting romantic episode after episode, but then again, Kalon's not an 8 year-old boy, so perhaps he could have made a less douchey decision.

When Kalon read Emily an apology that had obviously be written by his publicist, she responded by saying, "You, my dear, should be a politician, because that is a load of crap I've ever heard."

Emily then revealed that she saw a post on Kalon's twitter account where he posted a picture of a baggage claim sign at an airport and tagged it by saying, "Thought for sure I'd see Emily Maynard here."

When Kalon tried to justify that post by saying it was just a joke, she pointed to yet another Tweet that he wrote after he was criticized for that caption saying, "Sorry I'm not sorry." That left Kalon a bit embarrassed, as the only response he could muster was, "I'm flattered you follow me on Twitter, I don't know what to say."

Emily then dismissed Kalon from the show yet again by saying, "I hope you find faith in something other than your Prada shoes and your rented helicopter." Emily went on to explain how Kalon's "used to being a big fish in a small pond," and we all know that Emily has a really big pond.

We did get to see a promo for the upcoming season of The Bachelor Pad, where Kalon arrives in a Porsche and Blakely from Ben's season of The Bachelor shows off her boobs and cries a lot. As Kalon is heard explaining, "I need the $250,000, helicopter fuel is expensive," as were Blakely's boobs.

Chris Harrison asked Emily about her relationship with Ryan. "You had a thing for this bad boy...What is it? Because - What is it?"

Emily later shed some light on her interest in Ryan when she explained her type of guy to Chris Harrison. "I always liked the guys that are like tattooed, and maybe a little homeless looking."

Now that Emily has explained her attraction to Ryan, I'm still wondering what she saw in actual NFL player Jeremy Shockey...Aside from being a strong parental figure for her daughter.

We also learned that Emily's parents actually make an appearance in the season finale next Sunday, where her dad is heard telling her, "I don't believe you can love two people at once," and her mom advises, "I encourage you to wait on any kind of an engagement."

But then again, it's not like Emily kept any of the poor contestants around, so it's not like they have to worry about having her get a pre-nup to protect their new money or anything.

Emily Maynard's parents rich

Thursday, July 12, 2012

The Big Brother 14 Blog - "I know my way around a cocktail party"

Click here to get the most up to date Blogging Big Brother 14 posts

Finally, a new season of Big Brother is upon us. I tried to fill the void by watching The Glass House on ABC, but unless you can tune into live after hour feeds of the contestants having pillow fights, bathing and pooping on Showtime or, summer just isn't the same.

This season's twist for Big Brother brought back four All-Stars not to compete, but to coach the new housemates.

While last season's winner Rachel Reilly was one of the show's original All-Star choices, she apparently had a flare-up of genital herpes so bad that the CDC wouldn't let her board her plane to Los Angeles.

Returning to the house were Janelle, the ex-Playboy playmate who won more competitions than anybody else in Big Brother history; Brittney, who had some of the best one-liners ever on the show during Season 12; Dan, who's alliance crumbled but still found a way to win Season 10; and Mike "Boogie," the old guy who road Evil Dr. Will's coattails for two seasons and tries way too hard to act like he's in his 20's to make up for the way his face looks.

When Mike "Boogie" arrogantly entered the house after proclaiming himself the best contestant to ever play the game, Ian, a 21 year-old student and historian of the game inadvertently put his ego in check when he eagerly greeted him by saying, "I was 10 when I watched you the first time!"

Also on the cast this season was Willie, yet another male Hantz who's related to Russell from Survivor, mainly because of the great birth control blight that hit east Texas/west Louisiana in the 1970's and 1980's that coincided with his relatives' unhealthy fascination with ABC's Battle of the Network Stars.

While "Russell's Brother" stated on his bio video that he didn't think that anyone would pick up on the resemblance, Ian and Dan immediately questioned his relation to the Survivor super-villain.

It was Ian, the only person in the house smaller than Willie who noticed the resemblance first. "I'm a huge Survivor fan, and I think Willie might be related to Russell Hantz from Survivor...I'm 99.9% sure."

As teams of three were chosen schoolyard style, Connie Chung informed us that one of the contestants would be eliminated from the game before they ever even officially entered the house based upon the results of the first Head of Household Competition.

That player would be determined by the coach of the last place team, with the coach of the first place team getting to pick the first HOH.

The HOH/Elimination Challenge required the contestants to dress in their pajamas and navigate a bridge of spinning/twisting/turning beds to rescue teddy bears, with the first team to bring three bears back gaining the victory.

Dan's team started off in an early hole because his first pick Kara refused to put on pajamas and compete, claiming that she only sleeps in the nude.

In actuality, while Dan's team lost, he did get a strong performance from Kara, who obviously has had plenty of practice jumping from bed to bed as an ex-Playboy Playmate.

Kara Monaco lists her occupation as a model. In fact, she was the Playboy Playmate of the year for 2006.

On the other hand, Jodie, an overweight marathon runner from California managed to turn the slow spinning beds into an obstacle course worthy of the show Wipeout, as she constantly rammed her giant forehead into the sides when she couldn't make the short leaps that were required.

Meanwhile, Brittney's team won behind strong performances from Shane, the house flipper from Vermont, and "Russell's Brother."

Brittney decided to give HOH to "Russell's Brother" in a tactical move in order to allow him to use his temporary power to broker some deals given the other houseguests' suspicion about his identity.

Dan decided to eliminate Jodie, who may or may not have been the same token black lady that Big Brother keeps recycling on the show season after season.

Big Brother 14 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Episode 1:

11. Danielle Murphree - A 23 year-old nurse from the shit-hole known as Tuscaloosa, AL, Danielle comes across as the conservative and southern good-girl, and I'm guessing that she's a little too naive and moral to hang around the Big Brother house for very long, especially since her team is already down a member.

Then again, fellow house guest Kara used to perform at Disney World, and look how that turned out after she got a taste of being in front of the public. Danielle did potentially show some daddy issues when she apologized to her dad on camera before slipping a pair of "Daisy Dukes" into her suitcase while packing for the show.

Of course, Danielle was totally upstaged by Frank, who made sure to pack a pair of jean shorts that he called "Bo Dukes," saying that "Every boy needs at least one pair" and that "the ladies love 'em." Hmmm...Am I sensing a potential Daisy Duke/Bo Duke love connection? After all, Danielle and Frank are both from the South.

10. Joe Arvin - Joe is 41 year-old chef from Lexington, KY. Let's just say that when your old and your whole strategy for playing the game is to cook well enough that the other house guests keep you around for a little while, it doesn't bode well. At least he's younger than Mike "Boogie"

9. Willie Hantz - The Hantz family breeds stubby little reality show contestants like the Kardashians breed...Well, stubby little reality show stars. "Russell's Brother" would be last on this list had Brittney not made him HOH.

Ex-banger Brandon and his uncle Willie Hantz really need to reconsider their gang signs if they want to be taken serious on the streets.

8. Jenn Arroyo - The 37 year-old rocker from Brooklyn was actually the bassist for the all female metal band, "Kittie." At first glance I was going to say that this tatted-up self described plotter might have a little "Evel Dick" in her, but then she informed us that she's a lesbian, so I'm pretty sure there's no dick inside her, no matter whether it's evil or good.

7. Wil Heuser - Wil is a 24 year-old flamboyantly gay resident of Louisville, KY who kind of looks like a cross-eyed Fabio. Not only is he a triathlete, but he's also a marketing consultant...If marketing consultants these days get paid for organizing flash mobs. He also believes in wearing mesh clothing to show off his body because "Skin is in."

Wil should be good for some drama in the game, having described his strategy as "A little bit of gossip and a little bit of backstabbing." I'm not quite sure if he was talking up his social game or bedroom skills when he bragged, "I know how to work my way around a cock-tail party." Either way, "Mike Boogie" should be excited.

Much like how all Asian people want to be on Survivor, every single gay man has tried out for American Idol.

6. Ashley Loco - Ashley is a 26 year-old Pittsburgh transplant now living in Hollywood. Fortunately for Jersey Shore transplant Jojo, Ashley operates a mobile spray tan business. While she describes herself as a graduate of a B1G university, she's clearly the type of girl you'd find meditating to crystals and trying to figure out how to take the peel off of a penis...I think I love her.

Ashley Loco's "leap-frog" approach to the bed jumping HOH Competition may have been the most amazing strategy in Big Brother history.

5. Jojo Spatafora - Jojo is a 26 year-old spitfire bartender from Staten Island of Sicilian descent. She describes herself as a social person, but I'm wondering if she's not a little too Jersey Shore to live in close quarters with 14 other people for the rest of the summer. On that note, here's hoping that she gives us a crotch-shot or two...Or at least that she gets a UTI and takes a piss in the corner of the house.

While I'm curious about how far Jojo Spatafora will go in the game of Big Brother 14, I'm even more curious about the piercing that she has Vagazzled in the middle of her fucking throat.

Apparently part of Jojo Spatafora's strategy involves wearing a bra instead of a shirt.

4. Frank Eudy - This unemployed 28 year-old is an unemployed resident of Naples, FL. As it turns out, he's actually the son of former professional wrestler "Sid Vicious."

Frank certainly didn't take after his dad physique-wise...Then again, Carrot Top is looking pretty damn buff these days. 

3. Ian Terry - Ian is a 21 year-old chemical engineering student from Pittsburgh. While he's a bit young to win the game, he's a Big Brother aficionado who developed a game strategy that he intends to employ during study hall when he was in the 6th grade.

While Ian jokingly referred to himself as shows next sex symbol, Ashley confessed that he was just her type given his glasses and nerdy look. Unfortunately, Ian is lusting after for Kara instead of Ashley even though he was 13 when she first appeared on the cover of Playboy...Which actually makes perfect sense now that I think about it.

2. Kara Monaco - As described above, Kara is a 29 year-old Playboy Playmate who's originally from Florida. She parlayed her willingness to get naked on camera into relationships with "Good Charlotte" guitarist Benji Madden, "Ratt" guitarist Warren Demartini, and Robert Kardashian (I'm assuming it was the kid, but given that she dated somebody from a 1980's hairband, I can't entirely rule out the dad).

Upon further consideration...She definitely dated the dad.

Given her stint on The Girls Next Door, I'm thinking that Kara will have no problems finding a guy in the Big Brother house to carry her along for the better part of the summer.

1. Shane Meaney - Shane is a 26 year-old house flipper/carpenter who was also selected as Vermont's "top bachelor" by Cosmo magazine. Shane describes himself as a nice guy who's down to earth and gets along with everyone. With a last name like "Meaney," this blog has to give him the nod for the top ranking in my Big Brother Power Rankings after Week 1, especially since Brittney made him the #1 overall pick when the coaches picked their teams.

Of course, Shane said in his bio video that he wasn't going to be the guy walking around all summer with his shirt off, which on a reality show always means that he's definitely going to be the guy who takes his shirt off the first opportunity that he gets...Kind of like the male version of Kara.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

The Bachelorette Blog - "From Dollywood to Curacao, who would have thunk it"

While Emily and the remaining men traveled to Curacao for the Fantasy Suite episode, we actually returned right back to where things got started, as the "Batch-Copter" and Emily's special little daughter made their triumphant returns.

While the "Batch-Copter" and Emily's daughter are back, unfortunately, there was no word on what happened to the random Indian lady who kept following Emily and her friends around.

Sean and Emily then flew off to sight see around the island. Despite the romantic charms of the "Batch-Copter," Sean began to experience some emotional dysfunction when it came telling Emily that he loved her, and there were no little red heart-shaped pills in sight to help him out.

As Emily questioned Sean about his feelings for her, all he was able to say was, "I've already told you that I'm crazy about you. It's been like that ever since London."

And as Emily eagerly waited for him to confess his undying love for her, Sean pretty much sealed his fate by saying, "I forgot what I was going to say," before awkwardly changing the subject to going snorkeling.

I hope this bikini picture answers the question once and for all as to whether or not Emily Maynard has fake boobs. The correct answer is no. They're real...Just like her teeth.

Rather than tell Emily that he loved her, Sean ended up writing a letter to her daughter Ricki. After reading it, he then sat and smiled like he had just completed writing a thesis even though he just wrote down all the things that everyone knew Emily would want to hear.

Sean finally got the balls to tell Emily that he loved her...Well, kind of. "Love to me means can't stand to spend the rest of your life with anybody else." He then tempered that not by saying that she was the only person he wanted to spend his life with, but rather that, "I cannot stop thinking about you."

When Emily and Sean were presented with the opportunity to spend the night together in the Fantasy Suite, I was shocked that she invited him up given that her relationship with Brad Womack dissolved after she found that he had "tried out" the Fantasy Suite with her chief competition, Shawntell.

I think I stayed in the same "Not-so Fantasy Suite" in a Ramada during my last business trip to Paducah, Kentucky.

And just when it looked like Sean might get the opportunity to "Fantasy Suite" the living bejesus out of her, Emily politely kicked him out because she did not feel like spending the night together would reflect well upon her as a role model, mother and recovering NASCAR groupie.

Jef's date with Emily consisted of a ride on a luxury yacht, where they got some quality beach time together.

An ass like this would be a black man's dream...It's just too bad that Jef isn't into black guys.
Emily Maynard's ass Emily Maynard fake breasts

Unlike Sean, Jef earned bonus points with Emily by asking her some tough questions about the logistics of a potential of a future life together, as well as the reasons why she thought some of her past relationships failed.

Based upon her past relationships, Emily is clearly a good judge of character.

When offered the option of spending the night in the Fantasy Suite, Jef politely declined out of respect to their families, saying that there's a "time and place" for everything, and from what I'm told about people from Utah, it's called Spring Break in California..."Because God can't see over the mountains."

While Emily was touched by Jef's gentlemanly like action, she also commented that she was disappointed that he turned her down instead of vice versa...Mainly because she wants to make sure that she's the one who wears the skinny pants in their relationship.

In all fairness, Jef did say, "I plan on spending every night with you in our own little Fantasy Suite," which showed her that he's in for the long haul instead of a quick score, but that was obviously a bit new and confusing to someone like Emily.

Compared to Jef, Sean definitely got the ass-end of the Fantasy Suites.

Emily took Arie on a date to swim with the Dolphins. "One thing really cool that you can do in Curacao is go swimming with dolphins, like in the middle of the ocean."

Swimming with dolphins "in the middle of the ocean" is so much better than swimming with them in a pool like she did back during her high school days in Key West.

Arie seemed to forget that this was a competition to get engaged, and not to see who got to get in Emily's pants first. "There's such a chemistry between us, it's hard to even talk. We always want to kiss each other."

Unfortunately, while that type of chemistry may make for a bitchin' ten minutes in the infield at the Indy 500, it may not be the greatest foundation for a long term relationship.

In reminiscing about their relationship Emily commented out loud, "From Dollywood to Curacao, who would have thunk it," which is the tentative title for her upcoming autobiography.

She also commented how "Everything is so perfect between us," temporarily forgetting the part where Arie hid the fact that he slept with one of her close friends before coming on the show.

Possibly giving a hint toward her final choice, Emily may have paid respect to Jef by not even giving Arie the option to spend time with her in the Fantasy Suite because she didn't "trust herself."

That was understandable, because just like you can't give a recovering alcoholic just one drink, and you can't let a recovering NASCAR groupie spend "just a little time" with a famous race car driver. Or as Emily said, she wanted to take him up to the suite and "Just enjoy him."

Much to Ryan and Chris' chagrin back in Bachelorette sequestration, Emily told Chris that she had no regrets regarding her decisions thus far, although she was pretending to struggle with who she was going send home at the upcoming Rose Ceremony.

Emily proceeded to give roses to Arie based upon their physical chemistry, and Jef because of their shared redneck gene, which is the same thing that makes Uncles in West Virginia bond with their nieces and nephews...But not in the good kind of way.

On the other hand, Sean was pretty much a walking poster that Emily had tacked up on her bathroom door, mainly because she knew that he would have been too busy looking at himself to watch her while she's pooping.

I'm thinking that Sean will find a way to get over Emily as soon as he's able to find a mirror.

Emily apparently did not rehearse a tactful break-up speech for Sean, as she walked him out by saying, "I don't know what to say...What are you thinking?"

Of course, that's kind of like asking somebody, "Exactly how hard did I just kick you in the nuts?" Sean's response of "I feel kind of stupid" was the classic narcissistic model reaction, although he did have a beef after Emily enticed him to tell her that he loved her even though she knew she was going to send him home.

When Sean questioned her about how much she had disappointed him, Emily broke out a textbook chick move and began crying.

Emily needed to cry so fast to avoid her conversation with Sean that she had to resort to covering her face with her hands when she realized that she couldn't produce any fake tears on such short notice.

That brings the field down to just a closet redneck and a race car driver, and what a cruel twist of fate it is that Emily will be forced to choose just one of those traits in her future husband.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Bachelorette Blog - "Emily looks so hot with a gun. I just want her to hold a gun all day long"

Down to just the hometown dates, Emily described each of the remaining four contestants. When it came to Arie's turn she said, "Guys like Arie are really, really hard to find," mainly because there are only thirty-three drivers on the IndyCar Circuit.

Up first was Chris, who took Emily back to Chicago. Chris described his family first generation Polish, or, "On a scale of 1 to Polish, we're Polish."

Unfortunately for Chris, Emily described their relationship as one where "I could see myself falling in love with Chris," which on a scale of 1 to NASCAR, is still Polish.

After speaking with Chris' dad, the language barrier may have come into play, as he returned back to Chris and informed him that she said he was falling in love with him, which is not exactly what she said.

And just seconds after Chris' sister asked Emily to end things with Chris sooner than later if she knew that he was not going to be the one so he didn't wind up with a broken heart, Chris set himself up for the big fall that everyone aside from him knew was coming.

"My Dad tells me that she's falling in love with me, and telling her how I feel now is going to be the best thing I've ever told her in this whole journey."

Emily then traveled to Utah to meet Jef, where she was forced to join the Church of the Latter-day Saints in order to cross the border.
When Jef escorted Emily to the passenger seat of a souped up ATV, she responded by saying, "Alright, I'm going to try and do this as lady-like as possible."

While going offroading might be fun, keep in mind that Emily has dated at least two former NASCAR drivers, so on a scale of 1 to NASCAR, Jef's ATV is a 3.

When Jef took Emily skeet shooting she responded by saying, "He's a little more country than he wants people to know...I mean, who knew that Jef in his skinny jeans had such a good shot."

Emily then stated how nervous she was to shoot before asking, "Is there, like, a kick?" She then proceeded to hit each and every target that Jef launched for her.

"I may or may not have pretended that I have no idea how to hold a shotgun," before telling Jef that she takes gun lessons back home...which was a surprise to absolutely nobody except for Jef, who couldn't contain his excitement. "Emily looks so hot with a gun. I just want her to hold a gun all day long."

I don't know who was more pleasantly surprised, Jef when he realized that Emily can shoot, or Emily, when she realized that Jef was a closet redneck just like her.

Jef's parents weren't in town to meet Emily, because apparently having a son who's one of four finalists to get engaged on a national TV show wasn't as important to them as doing charity work in South Carolina...Either that or they're embarrassed for him.

Emily ended up meeting Jef's non-skinny pant wearing brother, his two good looking sisters, and his one fat sister. As they talked, a trained toddler crawled up into Emily's lap, obviously confusing her for one of her other moms.

Surprisingly, Jef grew up on a ranch and not in a skate park.

Jef concluded his hometown date by reading Emily a letter that he wrote listing the things that he loved about their time together, which was the antithesis of Ryan's list of demands for his future wife.

Emily responded to Jef's list by saying, "That honestly was like the sweetest thing that anybody has ever said to me," which is probably true since NASCAR drivers aren't particularly known for their manners when they are telling a groupie that it's time to put her panties on and get the fuck out of the RV.

Emily then followed Arie to Scottsdale, AZ, where she met him at the race track. Even though he's more of a TV correspondent than an actual racer, Emily said, "If that's Arie's passion and we work out, it will become one of mine too."

Arie's father was the real IndyCar driver in the family, and he had his own trophy wife, who was just an older and European version of Emily.

Arie's father was the real IndyCar driver in the family, and he had his own trophy wife who was just an older and European version of Emily, although I'm not sure that even Emily would wear a strapless gown with a raised bra strap exposed.

Arie's family made Emily feel at home by speaking nearly exclusively in Dutch for prolonged periods of time, which was only slightly more confusing to her than people speaking to her proper English.

At Sean's hometown date in Dallas, Emily worried that she might be a little to rough around the edges for his flawless white-bread family. While she might be white trash, the key word for Sean's family was white, so they ended up accepting her with open arms.

In his first ever attempt to show that he has a personality, Sean played a joke on Emily by telling her that he still lives at home.

When he showed her to a clearly staged room that was littered with food, dirty clothes, stuffed animals and used condoms, Emily tried to pretend that she was taken aback given her prior opinion on how perfect he was. "He's a mess, and he's really into stuffed animals."

Fortunately Sean ultimately let Emily in on the joke and everyone had a good laugh. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone except ABC's national viewing audience.

At the Rose Ceremony, Emily sent Chris home, who took things less than gracefully, and demanded an explanation from Emily. "Is there a given explanation?"

Rather than tell Chris that it was because he's a psychopath, Emily tried to explain to him that her relationships with the other guys had grown faster and deeper. However, that did not seem to satisfy Chris.

Chris pleaded, "I don't understand. How much faster could it have possibly have moved? I told you that I loved you," not understanding that it's not about how much he loved her, but about how she felt about him.

And just like that, we're down to the two remaining contestants plus Sean, as Emily and the cast move on to Curacao.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

The Bachelorette Blog - "I want to date you so hard and marry the fuck out of you"

This week the cast traveled to Prague. Noticably absent were Emily's daughter and girlfriends, as well as the random Indian lady who kept lurking in the background.

With only five guys remaining, it was announced that there would no longer be a rose handed out for the 1-on-1 dates, essentially guaranteeing that Wolf (a/k/a John), would make it until the end of the episode before Emily sent him home.

The first 1-on-1 date went to Arie, whom I've referred to numerous times as a "famous" IndyCar driver.

In actuality, he's only "famous" because his dad was a famous IndyCar driver, although he did actually qualify to drive in one Indy 500 race.

With only one major race under his belt, if you compared Arie's time on the IndyCar Circuit with Ryan Bowers' "pro football" career in the Arena Football League, Arie is still 100x more famous of an athlete than Ryan, mainly because crappy IndyCar drivers still get paid more than $15.00/hour and work more than three hours a week.
While Arie has clearly been the favorite to win the right to have Emily as his groupie from the start of the season, recent reports have linked him as a notorious womanizer before he came on the show.

In fact, the only reason he came on the show is because he used to fuck date Cassie Lambert, who is the show's Producer.
Did I mention that Cassie Lambert also just happens to be one of Emily's closest friends?" Or that Emily had no idea that her friend had previously "dated" Arie?

Here's Cassie Lambert with either Arie, Ben, or Constantine...Jesus, I'm so fucking confused with this whole incestual reality TV community, but at least they all have pretty hair.

If I was Emily, I'm not sure if I'd find it more disturbing that her friend had brought an ex-boyfriend on the show to become a contestant, or that Arie used to get naked with somebody as ugly as Cassie Lambert.

With Arie unaware that Emily knew of this prior relationship, she took him on their 1-on-1 date and let him hang in the wind after asking him several questions about his honesty, and you could tell she was West Virginia backwoods, coonass serious by the way that she made-out with him several times before she actually confronted him.

And just when we were lead to believe that Emily had the lady-stones to drop a "quasi-famous" IndyCar driver from the show, Chris Harrison jumped in to give us a timeline as to when and how Emily learned about her good friend's prior relationship with her leading contender.

Chris went on to explain that Emily and Arie ended up having a conversation about the situation "off camera," which was his way of telling America that his camera man was out getting stoned when the most meaningful conversation of the entire season took place.

When the taped footage resumed, Emily and Arie had magically reconciled were sucking face and seemed closer than ever.

People say you can spot American tourists in Europe by the way they dress. Emily did her part by wearing sequin shorts and cowboy boots...Arie blended in because he's, well,  European.

We did hear Arie tell Emily that he loved her, which is pretty much the textbook move for any guy when your girlfriend realizes that you had previously screwed her best friend...Assuming that you want to continue boinking the current girlfriend.

Of course, Emily bought into the line and told Arie, "If things keep going this way, nothing could make me happier." That caused Arie to proclaim, "I feel like I'm on top of the world!"

In actually, Arie was just standing on top of a boat.

With a hometown date on the line, the next 1-on-1 date went to Wolf, who told Emily things like, "I have a very hard shell, I get that from my dad," and a bunch of other things that he should have told her at least 4 episodes ago. 

Wolf also told Emily that his ex-cheated on him right after their one year anniversary, which probably did nothing more for him than to leave her wondering why she cheated on him at such a milestone if he's supposed to be such a great catch.

Nonetheless, Emily and Wolf seemed to have a pretty decent first date until she dropped him off at the suite and Sean snuck out to chase after her, calling her name out through the streets of Prague.

When Sean finally caught up to her, Emily asked, "What are you doing out her walking by yourself?," knowing full well that her Producer asked her to stay there and wait for him to arrive.

Emily exclaimed, "There's absolutely nobody I'd rather see more than Sean right now." That is, except for Arie...and maybe Jef.

So to summarize, Wolf thought he beat Chris out for the final hometown date, but didn't realize that he couldn't hold a candle to Sean, who could never be a race car driver like Arie...That just leaves Jef as a wildcard. And when I say "wildcard," I mean the guy who may or may not be gay.

Emily confessed that she was going to send Doug home last week before deciding to give him another chance to try and develop a romantic connection. However, she was reminded of their lack of chemistry when their legs accidentally touched.

Doug quickly pulled back and said, "I'm old fashioned, sorry," before Emily said out of frustration, "Doug, don't worry, our legs were touching." Thankfully, Doug totally saved the romantic moment when he clarified, "It wasn't that, I was in the way. We're good."

Doug tried to explain his shyness by saying, "I wish she'd give me like the, 'Hey you big dummy, why don't you come give me a kiss' eyes."

Then, just as Emily was about to send him home, Doug made his big move...and attacked her with a quick little peck before leaning back and grinning.

Doug was so proud of himself...Almost as if he had just made his first poop in the toilet.

It finally hit Doug that Emily was in the process of eliminating him as he made his move, causing him to feel shame, as his last words to Emily were, "I feel really stupid for just giving you a kiss."

Fortunately, Doug had enough game in the 1990's to accidentally knock up his stripper ex-wife and become a dad, because now that he's single again he's got absolutely nothing left.

With Doug out of the picture, the Group Date turned into a 2-on-1 date between Sean and Chris. With a Group Date Rose still in the mix to be handed out, Emily shit in Chris' Easter Basket and gave it to Sean as Chris was forced to sit and watch.

At least Emily made things less awkward by saying, "So awkward...Chris, there's only one rose, and I hope you don't take it personally," to which Chris totally took it personally and said, "What kind of shit was that? If I don't get a hometown date I'll be scared for everyone around here."

Assuming that Chris was lucky enough to hit the redneck lottery and win Emily's hand, I'm pretty sure that he'll be regretting having uttered that line once Emily sees it on TV.

The second 1-on-1 Date went to Jef, whom Emily escorted to a creepy puppet store. Fortunately for Jef, he was able to communicate to Emily in ways through puppetry that he was never able to do through real life human contact.

Not to be too gay, but Jef's impromptu puppet show was actually quite charming. Unfortunately for Jef, if Emily was to marry him, he'd likely need to talk to her marionette free...Or at at the very least use a "Dale Jr." bobblehead as a buffer.

Sadly, Jef's marionette had more game than he does.

Emily seems to have some sort of weird attraction towards Chris, even though he totally seems like the guy who you would see standing by himself in the corner of a nudie bar trying to decide which stripper he was going to kill.

Not so surprisingly, Chris totally flipped out before the roses were handed out over how he reacted to Sean getting the rose on the Group Date. He told the guys, "This wasn't supposed to happen like this," before he interrupted the Rose Ceremony by saying, "Emily, I'm sorry, but I really need to talk to you."

As it turned out, Chris got the final rose anyway...Because either Emily is used to dating serial rapists, there was no security on hand and she was scared, or both.

Chris ended up looking like a pregnant lady with a glow by saying, "I'm seriously the happiest man in the world right now," successfully completing his manic cycle in less than two minutes.

In all honesty though, even Wolf would have been shocked to land the last hometown date considering that he and Emily hadn't hardly even talked to one another even though he somehow made his way into her final five.

And this week, we're off to the hometown dates. Here's to hoping that at least one of them has a county fair going so Emily can feel at home with all the carnie folk, pork rinds and port-a-jons festering with Hep-C...Well, either that or a NASCAR race.