Sunday, October 28, 2012

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "I want a motorcycle, a sidecar, and a pink gun. That's what I want from Jeff Kent"

Sorry about the delays in my posts. It turns out that I lost my sheet.

I didn't loose my "shit" like Abi does every single week, but I actually lost my sheet on which I keep all of my notes and quotes, so I had to go back and re-watch the last two episodes online.

This week's episode began with Malcolm finding the hidden Immunity Idol that Russell had been unable to find even though he was an attorney and had the benefit of having found the clue to its location at Matsing's camp.

That proved to be beneficial for Malcolm in terms of timing, because as soon as he and Denise arrived for their next challenge Jeff Probst told them to "drop your buffs," and they were split up and assigned to either Tandang (Malcolm) or Kalabaw (Denise).

What initially appeared to be an Immunity Challenge actually turned out to be a Reward Challenge, where contestants from each tribe squared off one-on-one trying to knock an idol off of the tray that their competitor was holding.

Michael developed the brilliant strategy of throwing his own idol in the air and then lunging to knock his opponent's off before his could hit the ground, while Dawson pissed off Abi off when she defeated her by going for her hair.

Ironically, that caused the hot-headed Brazilian bitch Abi to yell, "She went for my hair! Play like a man, don't play like a bitch!"

In the end, Malcolm defeated ex-major league baseball player Jeff Kent to give his new Tandang Tribe coffee, tea, biscuits and cookies.

Having lead Tandang to a victory Malcolm was a hot commodity at his new camp, with RC doing her best to flirt with him, and Pete volunteering that he had the hidden Immunity Idol and that he would be willing to use it on him if needed to get him to join his alliance and vote out Michael.

Malcolm was forced to choose between a potential Immunity Idol, and Roberta Saint-Amour's huge fake boobs. Having already found Matsing's Idol and already shacked up with Angie Layton, Malcolm is pretty much playing with house money at this point.

Peter welcomed Malcolm's arrival by saying, "I was always a little wary of Mike, but now we have another strong guy. Probably even a stronger guy, and probably not as stupid."

To add insult to injury at Kalabaw, Dana developed severe stomach pain along with a nasty fever. That caused Jonathan to comment, "It's freezing, and I'm a big fat guy so it doesn't bother me, (but) Dana's sick and she weighs forty seven pounds or something.

And just when Jonathan was starting to surprise me by being somewhat more sympathetic and less arrogant towards people this season, he went Sandusky on the cute little lesbian who's built like a teenage boy.

Wait...That didn't make me sound good.

"You gotta get out of those wet clothes. Take everything off. You get naked under that blanket and we'll warm you up."

Dana's illness caused Jeff Probst and Survivor's medical team to come to camp, where Dawson gave us the first clue that she might have a crush on the show's long time host.

"Out of nowhere Jeff Probst is in my camp. Typically I'd jump up and down and maybe even jump on him, but it just wasn't good timing. He was there for Dana."

Unfortunately for Dana, budget cuts must have caused Survivor to layoff their staff doctor, and they had to make due with the next best thing...Some dude named Joe with a British accent, because apparently speaking with a British accent is supposed to make stupid people sound smart. 

For example, as Dana was laying on the ground grabbing her stomach in obvious pain, Joe made the astute medical observation, "I'm seeing that around this right side and around the middle is where she's having the most pain."

Once Dr. Joe finally figured out that Dana's pain was coming from her stomach, he magically cured her by kissing her belly and giving her a bowl of ice cream.  

When Jeff Probst prodded him a little bit closer towards making an actual diagnosis by asking "Dr. Joe" for his best guess on Dana's condition, he elaborated by saying, "I think certainly her tummy is irritated. Whether or not that is from an infection or some other process is hard to tell."

And while it's still up for debate whether or not an "irritated tummy" is an actual diagnosis taught at medical schools outside of Mexico or Caribbean island nations, it's certainly not a life threatening condition, which left the choice of whether or not to stay in the game up to Dana.

Unfortunately for Dana, she decided that could not physically or emotionally bare the thought of cuddling naked with Jonathan in order to stay warm, so she gave up her chance at the million dollars.

The Immunity Challenge consisted of a Battle of the Network Stars styled obstacle course, with the two tribes forced to solve a puzzle once they completed that course as a team.

With Abi electing to sit out yet another challenge due to uneven numbers, Jeff Probst voiced his displeasure by asking, "I gotta ask, of all the challenges how many have you participated in?"

Jeff later called Abi out by saying, "Everybody is in on this challenge, except for Abi, who's sitting out yet again."

Unfortunately for Kalabaw, Katie, the former Ms. Delaware was unable to scale the first obstacle on the course...A small mound of dirt. That caused Dawson to say, "She was not good. I told Katie she sucked, she knows she sucked."

These contestants wanted no part of the Lisa Whelchel from 28 years ago, who not only dusted the fitness show host on the Battle of the Network Stars obstacle course, but her time that blew away that of her Facts of Life co-star, Tootie, as well as the time by the dude from Falcon Crest with the floppy boobs and pointy nipples.

Slowed by Katie's poor start and Dawson's attempt to help while solving the puzzle, Tandang won immunity over Kalabaw by just seconds.

At camp Jeff Kent brought  new Kalabaw member Denise into his alliance with Jonathan and Carter, thereby making Dawson and Katie the two choices to vote out.

As the only person who recognized Jeff Kent as a famous ex-Major League Baseball player, Dawson had that knowledge at her disposal heading into Tribal Council. She even went as far as to toy with him around camp.

Dawson playfully wondered, "Maybe I should date an athlete?" When asked what she would consider an athlete she said, "Football, basketball, then maybe baseball is there at the end," just to get under the skin on his red neck. 

She went on to say, "I enjoy getting into his mind and making him uncomfortable. I kind of feel like I got a little mouse that doesn't know that it's in a corner, and I'm playing with it, and I'm going to step on it!"

Like most of the African-American baseball players that Jeff Kent was teammates with, Dawson was very eager to stomp on him.

While Jeff was definitely afraid that Dawson was going to out his identity, she was at the top of his list as to who to vote out. At that point she had two options:
A) Pull Jeff aside and let him know that she was aware of who he was and that she'd keep quiet if he promised to keep her safe; or
B) Just confront him about his identity in front of the rest of the tribe and turn them all against him.
Unfortunately, Dawson went all Sarah Palin and chose a third option option: 
 C) Keep quiet and hope that the biggest asshole racist in all of baseball repays the black girl out of pure kindness once the game is over.
And just like that, Dawson was voted off the show holding knowledge about Jeff that was about as valuable as an Immunity Idol had she decided to disclose it.

"Jeff Kent, I could have blown up his spot...If he wins, he OWES me so big. I want a motorcycle, a sidecar, and a pink gun. That's what I want from Jeff Kent."

Then again, Dawson got the only prize she was looking for as she planted a big kiss on the cheek of a clearly uncomfortable Jeff Probst as she exited the game.

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