Tuesday, August 21, 2012

The Big Brother 14 Blog: "It stinks, it smells, it's slippery going down your throat"

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Upset that he was not kept in the loop about the plan to backdoor Janelle, Joe was less than pleased with his fellow house guests, yelling (as always), "THERE'S SOME DESPICABLE HUMAN FILTH IN THIS HOUSE!"

Of course, that was odd considering that it came from the chef who has now been caught on camera on several occasions not washing his hands after he pooped.

In my book, people like Joe who cook for people but don't wash their hands after "dropping the kids off at the pool" are only one step better than the sub-human life forms who pee in milk jugs and throw their "trucker bombs" out the window.

Seriously, pay attention to the side of the road the next time you drive down the expressway...Truckers are the "carnies" of the highway.

When asked by Britney about what was going on with his relationship with Danielle, Shane said, "I just feel like she has stronger feelings for me than I do for her...I feel like I can't talk to any other girls, like she gets jealous...It sucks."

Danielle even went so far as to question Shane about why he's kissed her in front of the other house guests, but never when they were alone.

Of course, Shane refused to make eye contact, and avoided the question by saying, "I just didn't look at your pupils...I was looking at your boobies."

From looking at Daneille Murphree in her bikini, she looks like a pretty thick girl...I'm guessing those boobies are real, not fake.

That caused the mountingly desperate Danielle to say, "That's okay, you can look at them too," further showing that the Alabama school systems are leading the nation in building confidence and advancing equality in young women...ROLL DAMN TIDE!

As Mike Boogie and Britney talked about Danielle, they began to doubt whether or not she was a kindergarten teacher as she had told everybody.

In fact, Boogie was pretty much dead on when he guessed that she was either a nurse, or "less likely," a medical student. Britney questioned Danielle's motives by saying, "I don't see why anybody would get off about lying about being a nurse."

Boogie then correctly surmised, "Maybe she thinks that a kindergarten teacher doesn't come across as being as smart as a nurse is."

Clearly, Danielle failed to realize that nobody in America outside of Alabama considers nursing to be a threatening career in terms of intelligence level...ROLL DAMN TIDE!

The season's first Have/Have-Not Competition had the contestants divide into two teams and dress up in either foam lemon or lime suits.

Ian was initially happy that the random draw put him on an all male team...At least until he realized that he would be required to soak himself in juice and have one or more of his larger alpha male teammates squeeze as much liquid out of him as possible by literally dry-humping the bejesus out of him.

After losing, Danielle exclaimed, "It stinks, it smells, it's slippery going down your throat...Interestingly enough, she wasn't talking about the fish that she was forced to eat for the week as a Have-Not, she was talking about Shane's penis.

Wil put on a text book performance in how not to play the game of Big Brother by going to the HOH room and talking to Frank and Mike Boogie.

First, he all but gave them an excuse to put him on the block by volunteering, "If you want to put me up, no hard feelings at all." 

He then hinted that he knew that a large group of people were playing together, but rubbed Frank and Boogie the wrong way by refusing to answer when they asked him who those players were.

"I'm not going to answer that question right now," before condescendingly shooting them a Fonzie and then blowing a kiss as he walked out the door.

From the lounge singer shtick to the assless spandex, Wil Heuser is reminiscent of a post Van Halen David Lee Roth, which aside from "Yankee Rose" is not necessarily a good thing.

Frank said that Wil better take his "community theater routine back to Kentucky," while Boogie explained how Wil had made a huge mistake and made himself a target by being arrogant.

"Prior to nominations, we just wanted to have a general friendly conversation with Wil. All this guy had to do was sit back and say, okay. But he copped an attitude with us and now he's kind of become a target.

Sure enough, Frank nominated Wil for eviction because of his abrasiveness, along with Frank, because nobody else in the house really cared.

For some reason, Wil went to the conservative Southern Baptist Danielle and told her that as a teenager he had a record deal where he toured the country, but was tormented for his sexuality at the Catholic all boys school he attended in Louisville, KY.

If there was any part of me that ever thought Brittney Spears was hot in "Hit Me Baby One More Time," I'll never ever think that again...

The Veto Competition saw the return of the Zingbot, who made his annual summer appearance in the Big Brother house roasting each of the contestants with "zings."

The real question is who the Zingbot really is? It could be anyone from Joan Rivers or Jeffrey Ross, to Lawon from Season 13. Then again, the Zingbot is pretty funny, so it definitely isn't Lawon.

The Zingbot's most notable one-liner involved a put-down that left Danielle fuming. "Danielle, I hear Shane's going to give you a special gift after the season's over...A restraining order. ZING!"

Needless to say, the "where did the cat shit?" look on Danelle's face says all we need to know about whether she thought the Zingbot's joke at her expense was just a little too true to be funny.

The Veto Competition itself saw the house guests put piping tubes together in order to bring a Baby Zingbot to life.

As the competition progressed Danielle said, "Shane's having a lot of trouble laying all his pipe...I guess I'm just going to have to restrain myself from helping him out.

Sadly for Danielle, I don't think she'd be of any benefit to Shane when it comes to helping him lay pipe.

Ultimately Frank won the POV, and he considered backdooring Dan even though they were both in the newly formed "Silent Six" alliance.

Britney and Dan were rightfully worried, with Britney saying, "We're one week from the agreement, and we're already worried that they're going to use the Veto. We can't trust them."

Wil, Jenn and Ashley all came to Frank and urged him to make a big move by back-dooring Dan, but ultimately he listened to Boogie and Ian, who warned him not to blow things up this early in the game.

In what seemed to be a strategic play, Ashley asked Frank out on an "ice cream" date, even though there wasn't any ice cream in the house.

That caused Ian to get jealous and passive aggressively snark, "Asking other men out on dates, really? I thought we were exclusive."

When Frank noted that he felt bad going out on a date with Ashley given Ian's crush on her, Ashley explained, "You know he's faking it, he's not really upset," before Frank corrected her by saying, "Oh, he's upset."

If Ashley had any intention of talking strategy with Frank, her plans were derailed when he bluntly asked, "Do you want to make-out on the couch?"

He later explained, "One of my favorite moves that I like to pull out the bag is just to flat out say, 'Hey, you want to make out on the couch?' Truth is, it works most of the time."

Sure enough, Ashley responded by saying, "Alright, let's do it!"

Another one of Frank's favorite moves is immediately going for the ass-grab, which I can totally "Appreesh."

With Joe on the block, we saw videotaped statements from his family members, all of whom were more entertaining than Joe himself.

His wife began by introducing herself, before stopping and starting over and saying the exact same thing, only yelling like Joe does. She said that her advice for Joe would be to "Stop yelling in the diary room."

Joe's young son piled it on by saying, "America, if there's anything you can do to get Joe to shave off that white thing on his face, let me know."

Later we were treated to an interview with Jeff Schroeder, the former Big Brother All-Star and America's favorite homophobe, to get his thoughts on the game.

After clearly thinking that he was going to be asked to return to the game, Jeff informed us that he didn't think that Wil, Jenn or Mike Boogie should have the right to even play Big Brother because alliances are meant for a man and a woman.

Ultimately Wil was evicted by 6-2 vote. When Connie Chung asked him why he put a target on himself by acting so cocky around Boogie and Frank, Wil said that it was because he didn't want to, "The word I'm thinking of, I can't say on TV."

Filling in blank, and ironically enough, Wil pretty much acknowledged that he went home because he didn't want to suck anyone's dick.

The HOH Competition called "Swamped" required the contestants to fill large jugs with a half cup of liquid at a time while walking back and forth on an extremely slippery surface.

The contest also had two temptation jugs, which oddly enough had nothing to do with Janelle Pierzina's fake boobs.

Those jugs gave the contestants the opportunity to try to fill one of two smaller jugs for either one week of safety or $10,000 instead of going for the HOH prize.

As we left off, Boogie was the only one going for $10,000, while four house guests were going safety, and four for HOH.

Big Brother 14 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Week 5:

10. Joe Arvin - Failing to wash after wiping does not even appear to be the most disgusting thing that Joe Arvin's done with his hands in the Big Brother house.

In fact, when Joe Arvin said, "I feel like I have been lambasted," I get the feeling that he was really talking about something completely different than having been deceived by his former teammates.

9. Mike Boogie - After the contestants received a floating basketball hoop for the pool for some extra entertainment around the house, Mike Boogie bragged, "They call me 10 cent Boogie on the pick-up basketball courts in Concord, NH where I grew up. Know why? Cause I was always droppin' dimes."

First of all, nobody should brag about playing pick-up ball on the "mean streets" of Concord, New Hampshire. Sure enough, it was Boogie who immediately belly-flopped on the hoop and smashed it beyond repair, or as Dan said, "Mike Boogie breaks it 'cause he can't control his 42-year-old limbs."

8. Jenn Arroyo - Five weeks in and Jenn finally talked strategy for the first time, noting how something must be going on if Frank didn't use the POV to backdoor a stronger player.

Fortunately for Jenn, players don't really don't start playing hard or form alliances in Big Brother until week 7, so she still has plenty of time to figure out how she's going to play the game.

7. Ashley Loco - The Zingbot insulted Ashley by saying, "Ashley, your smile lights up the room...Too bad it's the only thing about you that's bright." That caused Ashley to rebut, "You know how bright you have to be to be a spray tanner? A lot."

6. Frank Eudy - So far this season Frank has won the most HOH Competitions, become best buddies with Mike Boogie, and mounted Ashley...Which pretty much covers everything that Ian has ever dreamed about...That is, except for wearing a banana suit.
5. Dan Gheesling - Much like his Michigan State Spartans, you can never count Dan out. The longer he hangs around in the Big Brother game, the more likely it is that we are going to see some crazy trick play with a clever name or a Hail Mary as time expires.

4. Ian Terry - Ian's starting to step outside of his shell. And when I say "step outside of his shell," I don't mean unzipping that green uni-tard that he voluntarily wears to hold up his man boobs, I mean that he's actually starting to plot against some big time players, like Frank and Mike Boogie.

In fact, I can't wait to see Boogie's face when he ultimately leaves the game and realizes that it was because his "Padwan" Ian betrayed him.

3. Britney Haynes - I see a TV gig like ET Tonight in Britney's future, which doesn't bode well for her dorky husband, who's clearly "outkicked his coverage."

2. Danielle Murphree - The only time I was intimidated by a nurse, he was trying to take my blood pressure. I told him that when I go to the grocery store I don't have to stick my junk in the machine to get an accurate reading...I just did that the one time because it felt good.

Who says girls in the south like Danielle Murphree wear too much make-up?

1. Shane Meaney - Shane had a final two alliance with Danielle, but I get the feeling that he's going to turn on her the first opportunity he gets. In that case, I'm going to call them the, "It's not you, it's me" alliance.

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