Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The Big Brother 14 Blog: "I'm hanging on for dear life and having seagulls defecate on me on the side of a pirate ship"

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Last Thursday's episode concluded with the HOH Competition in progress and the contestants hanging on to a tilted plank while getting drenched with watter and splattered with bird shit.

Thinking that he was in line to win the prize as a "Coach," Mike Boogie was not happy with America's decision to vote Britney, Dan, Janelle and himself into the game as players.

"I'm on cruise control for $100,000, next thing you know I'm hanging on for dear life and having seagulls defecate on me on the side of a pirate ship...I'm not a happy camper right now."

Ashley, on the other hand, was more than willing to get hit in the face with white goo.

Ian was more concerned with how the re-set button that sent the coaches back into the game was constructed than winning HOH, asking Janelle, "What does the re-set button look like?"

In what was likely the first ever conversation that Janelle ever engaged in with an engineering student outside of the strip club, Janelle responded, "It was a big huge button."

After dropping out of the Competition first, Mike Boogie was left to rely on Ian, his former team member, to win HOH and keep him safe.

"Two weeks ago I'm teaching this kid how to mack on chicks...Dressing him up in one of my bow ties...It's a bit of a role reversal."

Bow-ties aside, Mike Boogie isn't teaching anybody how to "mack on chicks." 

As Danielle held on in a battle of endurance, she was encouraged by Dan, who reminded her of the Alabama flag that would be hanging in her HOH room. When she prevailed, Shane literally kissed up to the new HOH by jumping on top of her and licking eating her face.

Mike Boogie was not at all pleased that Danielle won HOH, stating, "I hate this girl...I'm not really in the mood to see her dole out candy bars," in reference to paying homage to the new HOH by going upstairs to check out her personalized HOH Room.

As such, Boogie assumed that he'd be one of her two targets for nomination. "I'd almost kind of be insulted if I wasn't nominated, but I'm certainly not sucking up to this girl that I just learned her name like three days ago...Of course I'm going to be nominated, I'm Mike Boogie."

Danielle revealed that she didn't tell her parents that she was going to appear on Big Brother because it is not something they would have been proud of her for doing.

So Danielle Murphree's parents would not support her decision to appear on Big Brother, but they're cool with her with her sporting fake breasts next to a Harley?  You gotta love people from Alabama...ROLL DAMN TIDE!

As Danielle discussed putting Wil up on the block, he had to remind her that she had promised him safety when he agreed to drop out of the HOH Competition.

Even though she acknowledged, "I did say that, you're right," she still broker her word and nominated Wil along with Frank.

That caused Wil to fume, "You forgot Danielle, all sweet southern belles to to heaven, but nasty southern belles, they go to hell!"

Jennifer Aniston isn't aging well...but she still looks better than Courtney Cox.

The POV Competition required the contestants to throw a baseball into a grid of boxes marked with varying amounts of points, with the player scoring the lowest in each round being eliminated.

Each loser received either a prize or a punishment, with the players lasting the longest having the opportunity to trade for the prize that any of the contestants eliminated before them was holding.

Strangely, when Ian finished in third place he had the opportunity to trade up for a vacation to Maui, but instead elected to keep the dog suit that he drew as a a boobie-prize.

Wilfred on FX is actually a pretty good show, I just didn't realize that Elijah Wood was the one wearing the dog suit.

Danielle ended up winning, trading the pink uni-tard she drew for Frank's POV. With Frank seemingly in line to go home, Mike Boogie complained, "I just got beat by a sorority girl in a POV."

With Ian confined to a dog house in the Big Brother yard unless he was walked on a leash by another contestant, Mike Boogie approached him. "This is bizarre, but do you need to go to the bathroom?"

Dan, Danielle, Britney and Shane formed a secret alliance that they dubbed "The Quack Pack," but things quickly changed when Boogie approached Danielle about the potential of working together.

He also pleaded his case to Dan by saying, "You pressed the button, you wanted a re-set, let's re-set this bitch...C'mon Dan! C'mon Danny!"

The Coaches also considered re-aligning with each other, but Janelle balked at their request to vote out either Joe or Wil, saying that she wanted to vote Frank out this week and put her players up the next.

That caused the other coaches to question her motives and loyalty. Or as Boogie said, "for the first time in this game ever, I've seen Janelle quiet...She didn't have any response...Send Janelle home!"

In response, Britney and Dan decided to align The Quack Pack with Boogie and Frank, calling their new alliance "The Silent Six."

When Janelle came and knocked on the HOH room, causing them to freeze in silence, refusing to answer the door even though Janelle had to know they were inside...Kind of like I do when solicitors come to my house and I'm sitting on the couch in just my underwear.

When Danielle used the POV and put up Janelle as a replacement nominee, she was completely blindsided.

"I'm so shocked to find myself on the block that I didn't even put on make-up. I would've put on a cute outfit and washed my face and brushed my hair."

I understand that Janelle was once a hot Playboy model, but I'm predicting that things aren't going to end well for her husband.

When Mike Boogie poked fun at her early exit by saying, So for the third time, always a bridesmaid, never a Big Brother bride," Janelle exclaimed in front of the live studio audience, "What a douche bag!"

In the HOH Competition, the contestants competed one-on-one in a "battle of the bands" to determine what prior competition that a crappy song performed live by the group Nickleback was referring to.

With everyone else refusing to listen to the God-awful music, Frank overcame the pain and prevailed as HOH,

Big Brother 14 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Week 4:

11. Wil Heuser - Wil's little break from drinking mint juleps and organizing flash mobs to play house on Big Brother for the summer is about to come to an abrupt end due to his bubbly but bitchy personality.

10. Joe Arvin - At this point, Joe's only value to the house is as a cook given that he's a chef. And honestly, who wouldn't want to eat food from this guy?

Would you like some e-coli with that slop? Chef Joe Arvin may not believe in washing his hands, but at least we know his poops are regular...And HE was the one complaining about Frank's manners last week.

9. Mike Boogie - As a prior winner, Mike will soon be going home and doing whatever it is that Boogies do when they're not on reality TV shows...Like embezzling money to pay for gambling debts and gay role-playing sex fetishes with older men...Seriously, read the article that explains those allegations from his ex-business partner.

Of course, that's not as bad as what Mike Boogie did five years ago....Here's Mike Malin's mug shot from when he assaulted a female waitress at a Denver sports bar when his beloved Red Sox were playing the hometown Colorado Rockies in the World Series.

8. Ian Terry - When Ian asked Ashley if she had a final two deal with anyone in the house yet, it was kind of like he was asking a girl to be his Prom date...Right down to the part where she successfully avoided answering his question.

7. Jenn Arroyo - At one point last week Jenn actually got some camera time and said, "I'm just gonna live on a prayer baby and do my best." I don't exactly know what she was talking about, but at least she got some camera time...Good for her.

6. Ashley Loco - As Ashley talked to Ian she proclaimed, "I don't want my belly to be looking chubby-licous," as Ian looked at her belly and got a chubby.

5. Frank Eudy - Frank is a pretty good player, which also makes him a big threat. He has successfully responded to that target by blinking a lot. Seriously, the guy obsessively blinks all the fucking time.

4. Dan Gheesling - For some reason, Dan keeps calling the host "Mrs. Chen" when her name is really "Mrs. Povich."

3. Britney Haynes - On one hand Britney was clearly jealous and paranoid of Janelle, then, when her alliance decided to vote Janelle out, Britney began to cry, saying how she doesn't like to lie to other people...In other words, she's definitely a woman...Unlike Wil, who may or may not be a woman.

2. Danielle Murphree - This summer on Big Brother, Danielle will:
A) Get evicted;
B) Have her heart broken;
C) Get pregnant;
D) All of the above.
1. Shane Meaney - With all of the pink shirts that Shane has been wearing when he's not walking around the house half naked, I have to think he was just a little bit jealous when the more buff Frank had to wear a skin tight pink spiri-tard this week as his reward from the POV competition.

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