Saturday, August 4, 2012

The Big Brother 14 Blog: "My boobs weigh more than his head"

Click here to get the most up to date Big Brother 14 Blog posts

After Frank followed up avoiding elimination by winning HOH, he and Mike Boogie joked about the chain of events that changed his fortunes after he exposed Russell Hantz's Brother's lies during their argument.

"Hey Frank, It seemed like you were pretty much out the door, and you had a big fight. I don't remember what happened the rest of the week."

Frank responded by saying, "I think we got all of Janelle's players to vote to keep me, and then I went outside and won HOH," as the two laughed hysterically the way Boogie and "Evil Dr. Will" did in their Chill Town Alliance.

After Russell's Brother got humiliated in the argument he started with Frank in the previous episode, Britney all but ex-communicated him, saying, "I made myself look bad," before snapping, "Will you be quiet please," when he tried to interject.

While Russell's Nephew Brandon was disowned from the Hantz family for trying to play an "honest" game and being sent home on Survivor, I can't think that getting put in place by a woman on national TV by a woman is going to go over to well with the Hantz family

At the very least, Britney clearly has a black eye in her future...If not a shallow grave.
Willie Hantz 

Shane and Danielle continued flirting in what could become a budding showmance. Shane proclaimed, "A lot of red hair and a southern accent gets me every time."

Speaking of red-heads, kudos to Wendy's for removing Dave Thomas' fat real life daughter "Wendy" as their franchise spokesperson, and replacing her with a younger, hotter and slimmer red-headed girl who won't remind everyone what growing up eating fast food everyday can do to your body.

Thrilled by the prospect of a relationship with a closet homosexual like Shane, Danielle blushed, "If things keep going the way they're going, it's possible. Ewww - I can't believe I'm saying that," not realizing that Shane was actually talking about Frank, and not her.

Like most girls in the south, you really didn't really know what you were getting until Danielle Murphree took her make-up off. As it turns out, she's much better looking with it off than when she has it caked on.

In yet another PR move to rehabilitate socially awkward Ian's spot in the house, Mike Boogie talked him into asking Ashley out on a "slop date" since they were both Have-Nots for the week.

While Mike Boogie assumed the worst in saying that Ian "doesn't have a chance with that girl," he did not realize that she has a self professed "soft spot for the cute little nerdy guys."

As it turned out, Ashley was the one with butterflies, saying,  "Sometimes when I get nervous I get a watering eye," which oddly enough, I found somewhat attractive.

The Coaches Competition involved dressing up in M.C. Hammer style pants and walking across a balance beam in order to re-stack a pile of money on the other side. However, those pants limited the coaches to side-to-side movements.

Much like M.C. Hammer, Britney got off to a huge lead, but lost her money when she accidentally knocked her stack over, eliminating her from the contest. She later converted to gangsta, and then Christian rap in an effort to revitalize her competition career.

Mike Boogie seemed to defeat Janelle, but lost his focus and inexplicably jumped off the balance beam in celebration just before ringing his buzzer that would have clinched his victory. Instead, he was disqualified for falling off.

As Janelle said, "What a perfect scenario to play out. As (Boogie) is saying one of his stupid egotistical lines, turns out he wasn't listening (to the) rules of the game...What an idiot!"

With the power to either save or trade one of her players, Janelle elected to save Ashley, who may or may not have been so high that she didn't remember she was even in the house to begin with.

After being named a Have-Not, Russell's Brother tried to call a meeting with his teammates, but Britney, their coach, told JoJo and Shane not to attend in order to distance themselves from him.

With the Hantz family viewing the only acceptable outcome in a reality TV show being either winning or enhancing the family name as a bunch of wanna-be redneck thugs, Russell's Brother knew he only had one option to avoid being ostracized from the family like Russell's Nephew was.

For trying to act like such a bad ass, it sure as hell wouldn't hurt Willie Hantz to hit a weight room every once in a while.

After generically calling the house a "group of pussies," Britney pleaded with Russell's Brother to leave everyone alone.

When he refused, Britney, apparently having never watched Survivor asked, "You're not going to go out with what, class?"

Of course, Russell's Brother declared, No, I'm not going to go out with class." He then shouted at Joe as he walked by, "Bunch of pussies in this bitch!" As Joe continued walking, he snapped back, "YOU'RE THE ONLY PUSSIE I SEE, BROTHER!"

Having just been given the justification to go on a tirade that would make him worthy to leave the game without winning in his family's eyes, Russell's Brother chased Joe down screaming, "WHAT DID YOU SAY? WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Sensing trouble, Joe assumed the classic white guy boxing position with his guard up, but not up high enough to prevent him from getting cold cocked in the face should punches actually be thrown.

While he may not quite be in the same class as iconic boxer James Jeffries, Joe is definitely Big Brother's version of the Great White hype.

Sure enough, Russell's Brother lightly headbutted Joe's (unprotected) face, causing him to complain, "He hit me in the head. He headbutted me...He charged me." Strangely, that was the one time in the house that Joe did not resort to yelling.

That caused Big Brother executive producer Allison Grodner to immediately call Willie into the back bedroom, where he was immediately kicked out of the game for violating their strict no violence policy, and thereby cementing his position in the Hantz Redneck Hall of Fame.

Janelle commented, "He will go down for the rest of his life as the least dignified exit in Big Brother history," which sadly is something that his clan of redneck Oompa Loompas will probably wear as a badge of honor.

Shocker...In addition to trying to make a name for himself as a reality show super villain, Willie Hantz is also one of many "Camaro Guys" that inhabit the south.

Ian explained his awkward role during the fight between Joe and Russell's Brother. "I was standing there in just a towel with two extremely large men right in each others' face. I wanted to break it up, but I was extremely scared," and by extremely scared, he really meant "very aroused."

For his nominees, Frank put up Shane and JoJo, telling JoJo that he had given her a chance last week to go against Russell's Brother and that she "made a bad decision."

Did I say throat? It wasn't a bad decision like getting drunk and getting your throat pierced, but it was still a bad decision nonetheless.

JoJo Spatafora ass
Refusing to make their POV Competitions interesting, the Big Brother contestants were forced to dress up as tortilla chips and retrieve Mexican food menu items from giant bowls of various dips and placing them in a specific order back on their boards.

Obviously confused with what he was watching, my 7-year-old son asked if the contestant dressed in pink was "a boy or a girl." Sadly, I didn't know what to tell him.

Channelling his best Montezuma's Revenge, or at least a re-occurring case of gonorrhea, Shane ended up winning yet another competition, and he used the POV to take himself off the block.

While Shane partnered up with Frank and asked him to nominate Wil and back door him (that joke's just a little too easy), Frank ended up playing it safe and nominated Danielle, not wanting to make a big move and make himself a target so early in the game.

Danielle whined to both Dan and Shane about their reluctance to go out of their way to save her, not realizing that the southern belle shtick just doesn't fly with northern guys. "I feel so rejected and unwanted...I'm just so pissed and hurt...I have nobody."

Despite his prospective showmance with Danielle, Shane flirted with teammate JoJo as he tried to go to sleep. "I'm roasting in this bitch, I'm down to my thong right now," even though video evidence showed that Shane was not in fact wearing a man-thong like he claimed.

Nonetheless, kind of like how a faith healer plays to a stereotype and says something vague based upon your outward appearance to get you to believe they are the real deal, JoJo took the bait.

"That's funny, because I was about to take my pants off, and I'm wearing a thong," which was a total shocker coming from the chain-smoking girl from Staten Island.

Awww, Shane Meaney and JoJo have so much in common. Like many people in the Big Brother house, they have even started wearing each other's clothes...Like when Shane wore JoJo's pink sports bra.

Ian inadvertently, or maybe adverently, told Danielle that JoJo was talking about climbing on top of Shane, saying that he was "trying to board the 'Staten Island Ferry.'"

That caused Danielle to say, "He can go to Staten Island if he wants to," barely covering up how jealous she was.

As the girls got together to gossip about the men, Ashley claimed that she was not into Shane because he was "too little," and that she would "crush him in bed" because he was "too emancipated."

When Danielle asked Ashley what she meant by "emancipated," Ashley replied, "It's like when you're so skinny you start to get introverted." Interestingly enough, Danielle also said that Ian ate so much slop during their date that started to get "an erection."

Janelle then did the math and determined, "My breast implants weigh like eight and a half pounds, my boobs weigh more than his head."

Britney began to get frustrated with JoJo for agreeing with everything that anyone had to say. "I can't have JoJo out there running her mouth speaking in circles saying 'She knows' to everything that anyone in this house says."

"This is what it's like to have a conversation with JoJo. 'Hey JoJo, want to stay in the game? If so, I suggest you shouldn't do the following things to annoy your fellow house guests.' JoJo: 'No, I know. No, yeah, I know. No, yeah, I know. No, I know, No. No, yeah, I know.' Obviously, you don't freakin' know."

Having flirted with both nominated players, Shane surprisingly voted to evict Danielle instead of JoJo. However, the rest of the house did not agree with him, and JoJo was eviced 5-1.

In a classic and straight forward Big Brother HOH Competition, the competitors got one shot with a hockey stick to get their pucks in the slot worth the most number of points. Shane ended up winning yet another competition, giving him control of the house for the week.

In the twist everyone was waiting for, Connie Chung announced to the viewing audience that they would have a chance to vote on whether or not Janelle, Britney, Dan and Mike Boogie would have the opportunity to return to the game as players, or just remain as coaches.

Big Brother 14 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Week 3:

8. Joe Arvin - Joe will forever be remember as "Glass Joe" Arvin after going down to the hands of "Wee-Willie" Hantz in the shove heard round the world.

7. Jenn Arroyo - If Jenn got evicted from the Big Brother house would she make a noise?

6. Wil Heuser - I've heard rumors that all of the house guests secretly or not so secretly have famous relatives...My guess is that Wil is the secret love-child of David Lee Roth and Sawyer from Lost.

5. Ian Terry - Ian seems to be winning over his fellow house guests after a socially awkward start to the game. He could be dangerous given his knowledge of the game and the fact that his competition does not view him as much of a threat because of his small stature and relatively young age.

4. Ashley Loco - Watery eye and all, it's hard not to like Ashley.

Ashley Loco bikini Ashley Loco Boobs

3. Danielle Mumphree - While they have not officially aligned, I see the potential for an alliance between Danielle, Shane and Frank...If they do, I'm going to dub them "The Love Triangle."

2. Frank Eudy - Frank could become even stronger if Mike Boogie returns to the game as a player, because Boogie clearly needs a strong physical and social player to latch on to.

1. Shane Meaney - In his short stay in the house, Shane already has the most Competition wins in Big Brother history by someone wearing a pink wife shirt...But only because Rachel Reilly kept on insisting on competing topless.

No comments:

Post a Comment