Thursday, December 13, 2012

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "Yeah. No, I'm not going to hug anyone else"

Perpetually oblivious to everyone else around her, Abi-Maria scolded her fellow competitors for having the audacity to take her to task for her bitchy attitude at Tribal Council.

"Yesterday you guys were brutal towards me. I never felt that any of you felt that way about me. It wasn't cute, you understand that?"

Do you know else what isn't cute? Bitch faced Brazilian women who look like Brazilian dudes...But enough about Gisele Bundchen, Abi-Maria Gomez kind of sucks too.

That must of struck a chord with Malcolm, who was either kissing Abi's ass for a jury vote or just posturing to sleep with her.

"Abi's very un-self aware. It's hard not to feel a little sympathy for her."

Denise was less than impressed with Abi's antics, predicting she'd be going home next "Unless she miraculously wins Immunity, which I doubt."

Of course, making blanket assumptions about how someone is a sure fire bet to go home in the game of Survivor is pretty much the equivalent to handing someone an Immunity Idol...Just sayin'.

This week's Reward Challenge was replaced with Survivor's annual food auction, which is the equivalent of giving a group of drug addicts $500 and allowing them to bid on a limited number of dime-bags, eight balls and bumps.

Sadly, steroid era baseball player Jeff Kent didn't make it around long enough to bid on any "juice."

Skupin started off by bidding all $500 on a wine and cheese plate even though he's not an alcohol drinker. That caused even Jeff Probst to ask, "So that wine's just going to go to waste? Because otherwise I'll drink it."

When Penner won a plate of fried chicken, Jeff noted, "You got a weird look in your eye!"

As an Oscar winning screen play writer, Penner was simply demonstrating "the eye of the writer." Either that or he's just a fat guy who loves fried chicken.

Carter was the big loser even though he won two bids, because both of his prizes came with a twist that ended up benefiting the tribe more than it did himself.

First he voluntarily traded a loaded baked potato for extra beans and rice back at camp. Then he learned that the veal shanks that he bid on came with the catch that they had to be shared with everyone else.

Of course, the concept of a luxury food item like a veal shank may have been lost on Carter anyways, as he said, "The meat just melted in my mouth, whatever that thing was."

Abi-Maria wisely saved her money and used her entire $500 on an advantage in the game, which turned out to be a free pass to the third and final phase of the upcoming Immunity Challenge that she desperately needed to win.

Not only did Abi-Maria Gomez gain an advantage, but she also preserved her track record of not really having to compete in any of Survivor's competitions.

Even Malcolm, who earlier had expressed some sympathy for Abi seemed frustrated over the possibility that she might be able to save herself and remain in the game.

"Abi is like having a girlfriend who hasn't gotten the message and won't leave after you've broken up with her. She's bitter, she hasn't forgiven you, and your not getting the benefit of having a girlfriend around anymore."

And while we now know that Malcolm and Abi-Maria were not having sex like he and Angie did, at least he strategically mind fucked her for her jury vote considering that he was the only one to console her about the way she was treated at Tribal Council...Well done Malcolm.

The Immunity Challenge was yet another series of obstacle courses, with weight packs added to the competitors when they incorrectly answered questions about the game.

It was noted how having boobs and weight were a disadvantage, but that didn't stop Penner, who advanced to the finals along with Carter where they met Abi, who was fresh from not having to compete in the first two legs.

And just as it was scripted, Abi won Immunity. That caused Denise to sigh, "You gotta be freakin' kidding me."

Lisa, for some reason having the need to explain every move in the game that she's going to make, told Penner that he was the target of her alliance with Malcolm and Denise.

That allowed Penner to work Mike as the swing vote, assuming he could get Abi and Carter to join forces with him.

At Tribal Council, Jeff Probst asked Lisa if the game compared to any of her experiences in real life.

Lisa responded by saying "Yes," but stated that they were too difficult for her to talk about, obviously referencing how her husband of 24 years broke his alliance with her by filing for divorce even though he was her church Pastor.

Abi showed her displeasure towards Denise by sticking her tongue out at her, but ultimately Skupin utilized his swing vote to go along with Malcolm, Denise and Lisa, sending Penner home by a vote of 4-3.

Much like the Amish on reality TV shows, Brazilians never socially mature past the age of 13.

Obviously having formed a bond with Lisa, Penner gave her a hug as he left the game as a showing that he held no hard feelings.

However, when Abi asked if she could have a hug too, Penner blew her off.

"Yeah. No, I'm not going to hug anyone else," before saying, "Guys, keep your sunny sides up, and then suck eggs!"

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