Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "I put my faith in a little Texas girl, and she threw me under the bus today"

I have to admit, I'm less and less impressed with Survivor's decision to keep casting nothing but aspiring models, beauty queens, former contestants, b-list celebrities and Hantz's.

I was much more entertained when the show focused on real people, especially when they were a little bit on the slower side...Like Sue Hawk, or Leif.

And with that cute little Mormon scrapper Angie Layton having been eliminated a few weeks back, it's been tough to find a real rooting interest in this season's remaining cast...And yes, I'm being sarcastic.

We have two returning contestants in Michael Skupin and Jonathan Penner; two former celebrities in Lisa Whelchel and Jeff Kent; a self-absorbed aspiring model in Peter Yurkowski, and whatever the fuck Abi-Maria Gomes is.

Apparently Abi-Maria Gomes is using her Survivor exposure to start her own cocktail company. I haven't tried it yet, but word on the street is it tastes a lot like "stupid bitch."

Having failed to backdoor Penner last week because he played his hidden Immunity Idol, Jeff had to deal with Jonathan when he returned to camp knowing that he had been targeted by what he thought was his strongest ally.

It was only then that Jeff Kent realized that his irrational redneck obsession with getting a Hollywood liberal like Jonathan Penner voted off might have cost him in terms of his overall game.

"I gave up a lot of power and authority when I voted with Tandang tonight (to try and vote Penner out)."

Unfortunately, while Jeff Kent may have given up his power and fucked up his chances of winning Survivor by voting with Tandang, he still didn't shave his mustache...Although it did start to blend in with his beard, which was an improvement.

Despite their similarity in age, Jeff failed to realize that Lisa was a formerly "Blair" from The Facts of Life in a former life.

So while we can't say that he was star struck, Lisa definitely struck a warm spot with the normally abrasive racist/homophobe known as Jeff Kent, who obviously confused her with Dana Plato. "She's so naive, so soft, and so nice."

At the Reward Challenge, the new Dangrayne Tribe was divided into two teams to compete for a BBQ dinner/boat cruise by diving to release traps in order to get pieces to solve a team puzzle.

Keep in mind that it wasn't even the good kind of BBQ they were playing for, it was the "northern" type of BBQ, a/k/a grilling.

Jeff, Malcolm, Lisa, Penner and Denise ended up winning the challenge, which I guess sounds decent enough if you've been eating rice and pooping in the brush for two weeks, even if it was just well-done steak with BBQ sauce...So long as you get to use a functional toilet.

At camp, Abi decided to tell Jeff and Carter that she considered them part of her Tandang alliance, while stating that Penner should be their target...Right in front of Penner's face.

Abi-Maria Gomes: Just because you put a buff on your ass, it doesn't mean that your ass is buff.

Abi then went on to tell Peter that she wanted Jeff voted off because she thought he and Jeff were forming a secret alliance...Just as she mistakenly accused her former alliance member RC of doing with Michael...Even though she wasn't.

That caused Pete to finally snap, "Why do you always do that? That pisses me off, stop it!" And while Pete obviously was annoyed with Abi, he wasn't quite ready to cut ties with her due to strategic reasons.

"Abi's got a big mouth, and when Abi leaks information, that's very dangerous, so it's like a puppy you have to take care of...I wish we could vote her out, but I know if she's in the final three, she's not getting any votes."

The Immunity Challenge consisted of un-tying a series of knots of rope to release puzzle pieces while navigating an obstacle course.

And just as he proclaimed he would do after he realized he had been betrayed by his alliance, Penner went on to win Immunity. That caused Jeff to mutter, "What a joke."

Penner went on to proclaim, "That was maybe the best thing I ever did in my life," which was surprising considering that he's appeared on like all of the CSI's.

Unfortunately, Michael Skupin fell into the fire...Again.

Drunk with a lack of power, Lisa decided her position in an alliance where people didn't hate her (the former Kalabaw tribe), was not as beneficial as being the lowest member in an alliance that had constantly demeaned her (the former Tandang tribe).

So like a good battered housewife, Lisa decided to tell Peter that Malcolm had one of the hidden Immunity Idols, breaking her vow to Malcolm to keep it a secret after she had accidentally discovered it in his bag.

Sure enough, Pete immediately confronted Malcolm with the confidential information that Lisa had given him, proving that he had no real loyalty to her even though she had just put her neck on the line to prove herself to his "evil alliance" along with fellow assholes, Abi-Maria and Artis.

However, proving once and for all that engineers have no social skills whatsoever, Peter actually chose not to believe Lisa after Malcolm lied and told him that he didn't have an Idol.

"Malcolm freaked out, and I mean, that right there was enough of a reaction to look inside his soul and know that he really doesn't have the Immunity Idol...So I don't know what Lisa's trying to pull here."

Just to confuse everyone, or at least me, Peter told Lisa and Malcolm that Jeff was their target to vote off.

Realizing that he had been betrayed, Malcolm immediately relayed that information back to Jeff, later stating at Tribal Council, "I put my faith in a little Texas girl, and she threw me under the bus today."

For some reason, I don't think that Lisa Whelchel's post acting career is going as poorly as she says it is.

Lisa didn't deny playing both sides, but proclaimed that her true allegiance was to her former Tandang Tribe. She went on to disclose the tribe's entire strategy, saying that it was going to be an easy vote until Penner won Immunity.

Realizing that he might be in trouble, Malcolm did the rational thing and let everyone (including Peter) know that he did in fact have an Immunity Idol, and that he intended to play it.

"Just to clear the air, there's way too much chaos tonight. This thing getting played, I'm not going home."

And that's when things got interesting.

Jeff Probst asked if anyone else wanted to disclose that they had an Idol. Apparently forgetting that you DON'T have to tell the truth on Survivor, Abi-Maria blurted out,  "I have it. Yes, I have it...I was selflessly keeping this to protect the people in my alliance."

That caused Jonathan, who was previously on the hot seat to proclaim, "This is awesome! Fan-tastic man!"

Sensing an opportunity to take himself off the block, Penner interjected.

"I'd like to ask something. It looks like we have six right her who could move forward in this game. That means keeping Skupin and I in that six at least for a while. You guys ready to do that?"

Jeff Probst went on to say, "I can't think of a more complicated, more entertaining Tribal Council ever." And when he said "complicated" and "entertaining," he meant to say "stupid" and "funny."

Retro Commercial Break: Burger Chef's Star Wars promotion

After all that drama, neither Malcolm nor Abi played their Idols, perhaps hoping that their show of power would prevent the others from voting for them out of a fear for the uncertainty.

That left Jeff Kent and his mustache as the odd man out."

As Jeff Probst said, "That may go down as one of the biggest blown opportunities in the history of the game," referring to the forgone opportunity to vote either Abi or Malcolm out as they were holding on to an Immunity Idol.

And just when I was thinking that Jeff Kent had failed to live up to being the douche bag he was built up to be during his days as a major league baseball player, he opened his uneducated mouth.

"You know what pisses me off? I think I made about $60 million playing baseball and I want this fricking million dollars in this game, and it's not even a million bucks, it's $600 grand by the time Obama takes it...This just sucks!"

Of course, Obama or not, game-show taxes have always exceeded 50%, so the winner's tax rate would have nothing to do with Obama, Proposition 8, or any other liberal proposal that the illiterate redneck wants to blame for cutting into tbe $60 million good-fortune that Jeff received during the steroid era of baseball.

Not only are steroids known to improve your on the field performance, but a known side effect is hair growth in unusual places...Which may explain Jeff Kent's mustache in the 1990's and 2000's.

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