Saturday, December 15, 2012

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "I guess it bit me on my big Brazilian ass"

The final episode of the season began with Michael Skupin winning the first Reward Challenge, which consisted of racing into the ocean to collect rings, and then tossing them onto to poles.

As his reward, he won a whale watching cruise complete with pizza a pop. Able to take two other players with him, he selected Malcolm and Lisa, leaving enemies Abi and Denise alone together back at camp.

Not realizing that she was totally expendable, Abi complained "I guess my vote doesn't mean anything."

Abi kept trying to make the other members believe that she had found a hidden Immunity Idol, even though she hadn't. Unfortunately, nobody was buying in on her lie.

Or as Denise said, "She keeps talking about how she's got the hidden Immunity Idol. None of us believes she has one, not even for a minute."

At his reward, Skupin decided to drink pop, even though he never drinks sugar in real life. Fast forward 15 minutes, and he was acting like a drunk girl on her 21st birthday.

That caused Malcolm to observe, "All of a sudden Michael Skupin's fun to be around. Who knew?"

Denise was bit in the neck by some sort of insect, which caused crazy religious zealot Lisa Whelchel to pray for God to "push the poison out."

On the other hand, Abi was not so sympathetic. "I came her not to be feeling bad for other people, I came here for a million dollars," as she flashed an evil and opportunistic grin.

The Immunity Challenge involved laying planks to cross a rope bridge, grabbing puzzle pieces along the way. Malcolm ended up winning, giving him both Immunity and the hidden Immunity Idol.

However, when Denise asked him if he would consider giving her his Immunity Idol since it was the last Tribal Council at which anyone could play it, he declined, selfishly saying that he wanted to save it as a souvenir for his mother.

Tribal Council began with Abi proclaiming how Skupin would not win the game. When Jeff Probst asked him what he thought about her statement, Abi interrupted and took things a bit further.

"Because you're an idiot, that's why you're going to lose a million dollars." And when Skupin said, "Anyways Jeff, to finish my thought," Abi interrupted him again and finished it for him by saying, "You're a moron."

Abi went on to tell Denise, "You're just not a good person. I don't like you," which pretty much ruled out anybody taking her along to the final three even though she would have been a lock to beat since everyone in America, and probably even Brazil, hates her.

After getting voted out, Abi reflected on her game. "After the merge, I was targeted as a crazy Latina. I say it as it is, like it or hate me, and I guess it bit me on my big Brazilian ass."

No kidding, Abi Maria-Gomes's ass is fucking huge.
When Denise commented who Abi was "full of fire," Malcolm interrupted and said "I'm not sure it's fire."

The final Reward Challenge involved walking a balance beam in order to untie puzzle pieces, and then solving a bitchin' dragon puzzle that would have made Coach jizz in his pants.

Malcolm ended up winning, which gave him an unspecified advantage in the final Immunity Challenge.

However, much like how he refused to give his closest ally Denise his extra Immunity Idol, his arrogance began to take over when he wouldn't commit to her offer to go to the final two together.

Even with an an advantage, Malcolm still ended up finishing in last place at the Immunity Challenge, as Skupin being able to balance a ball on two planks of wood that he had to keep pressed together with his arms the longest.

Sure enough, Malcolm having distanced himself from Denise over the previous few days cost him her allegiance, and he was voted out even though he was the strongest player and in a position of power just a day or so earlier.

That left Lisa, Denise and Skupin to plead their cases to the Jury.

Denise made no apologies to anyone, emphasizing how she had to prove herself to three different tribes, worked hard, and was strong in the challenges.

Lisa credited her brother for informing her that it was okay to screw people over and be Christian at the same time, mainly that's because what Catholic priests and televangelists do all the time.

Micheal proclaimed that he survived in spite of having the biggest target on his back of anyone in the game, which was comical since people kept letting him slide at Tribal Council each week since they didn't view him as any type of threat.

Of the Jury questions, only Penner had anything interesting to say.

First, he called Denise out by saying, "You were afraid of being seen as a bitch. You can rest assured that you have now show the world that side."

He then went on to out Lisa a former TV star, saying, "You guys deserve to know that when you vote or don't vote for her, that she's kept that from you."

Lisa tried to respond by asking Penner if he revealed his job to the other players, but he played it off by pining, "I don't think it's going to affect the outcome tonight, I'll tell you later."

And with Skupin having coasted to the finals, and Lisa having sold her soul to the Devil just to get as far as she did, Denise, the "little old sex therapist from Cedar Rapids, Iowa" was voted the winner of Survivor: Philippines.

Sadly, Lisa was voted the prize of being America's favorite player over Malcolm, proving that crazy religious people still make up more of our population than we'd like to admit.

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