Friday, February 28, 2014

Blogging SURVIVOR: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty - "I'm building a spy shack"

Survivor: Brawn vs. Brains vs. Beauty started off with perhaps the greatest episode ever.

Things started off relatively benign, with each tribe choosing a leader, who in turn had to select the person who they considered the weakest player of their tribe.

For the Beauty Tribe, leader L.J. selected Morgan as their weakest player under the reasoning, "I trust cute more than I trust hot."

And Morgan McLeod isn't cute.

In a strategic move, David picked Garrett as the weakest player for the Brains, who appeared to be in great shape for a nerd...As it turns out, he was just incredibly buff because he's gay. 

When David was referred to as "a guy in a suit" by Kass, he immediately proved himself unlikable by correcting, "Just for the record, the jacket doesn't match the pants, so it's not a suit."

Sarah picked Trish as their weakest player for the Brawn Tribe even though Trish was the person who had just suggested that Sarah be their leader.

However in a twist, the weakest players all got to fly to their camps in the helicopter from The Bachelor helicopter where they got to decide between taking a bag of rice for the tribe, or a clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol.

Everyone except for Trish elected to take the clue, and Garrett found the Idol for the Brains almost immediately.

Morgan got caught out looking for the Idol when the rest of the Beauty's arrived arrived, but covered up for it by saying that she turned down a clue to the Idol in return for some rice, shelter material and fishing gear, all of which came with the camp.

L.J. remained skeptical of Morgan calling her the "Hot girl with a grudge."

Morgan McLeod's ass: Upon arriving at the Beauty's Camp L.J. aptly observed, "Morgan's already in her underwear, just like the mermaid that just walked out of the ocean."

Brice, "I'm no dummy, I know a scorned woman when I see her. So she was the perfect opportunity for me to use my purple pants, and kind of like my personality to kind of get in with her." 

Brice Johnston should know better than to claim Morgan McLoud as his Survivor "hag," because everyone knows that the most eligible gay guys have the ugliest hags.

Surprisingly, of all three tribes, the Beauties were the first to start a fire on their own.

Meanwhile, the Brains had significant problems even building a shelter.

Apparently new to the game of Survivor, J'Tia put a target on her back by immediately taking on a leadership role in trying to build that shelter...You know, because nuclear engineers are renowned for their ability to build things over their ability to blow shit up.

Worse yet, she declined to get her hands dirty, electing to bark useless orders to everyone instead.

That caused Spencer to say, "She has the decisiveness of a leader, she has the bossiness for sure, but she doesn't exactly have it all here (brains)."

At the Brawn Tribe, Tony refused to admit that he was a cop to Sarah, who immediately pegged him as a fellow pig.

Tony tried to explain his reasons for staying in the cop closet.

"If I tell them I'm a police officer the first thing they gonna be thinking is this guys strategical, he's tactical, he's probably sharp on his toes, he's very observant."

However, Tony apparently didn't realize that nobody in America thinks that cops are smart.

True to that perception, Tony lost out on a potential Cagney and Lacey alliance when Sarah walked away from that conversation vowing to target him because there was something about him that she just didn't trust.

On the other hand, former NBA player Cliff Robinson didn't even try to conceal his height and slyly admitted, "I played a little basketball."

The season's first Immunity Challenge required the tribes to retrieve three chests, navigate them on a cart through a maize, and them unlock them and solve a puzzle.

Alexis Maxwell's ass: Apparently the Beauty Tribe adopted underwear and stockings as their official team uniform...Not that I'm complaining.

When the Brains falling apart and finishing in last place Jeff Probst exclaimed, "Whatever brains they had clearly evaporated...One of the worst performances out of the gate in the history of Survivor!"

Beauty ended up winning Immunity along with a fire kit, while Brawn finished in second, also earning Immunity and a flint to start fire.

With the Brains going to the first Tribal Council, David continued to lobby for Garrett to be eliminated because he was the tribe's strongest guy. Meanwhile, Garret wanted to get rid of David.

Spencer criticized David for thinking long term strategy and targeting Garrett for elimination instead of ensuring his tribe's initial success.

"When David came out and said that he was going to pick Garrett I thought, 'you're an idiot, you're picking the one guy who can help us in challenges and your ostracizing him already.'"

Despite her failings as a construction site foreman, J'Tia defended her position in the tribe saying, "I think I pulled my weight in the challenge."

That caused Kass to get all passive aggressive and snark, "Well, you've been resting for 3 days."

Survivor 101 to new players like J'Tia, don't boss people around on the first day, and don't sleep all day...Especially if you're black.

However, at Tribal Council David got blindsided, causing him to mumble, "Unbelievable," as he got the news.

He then channeled his inner Lou Gehrig when he said, "I have no regrets, I played the way I thought I needed to play to move forward in the game...I consider myself pretty much the luckiest person in the world."

Unfortunately for Miami Marlin fans, David Samson did not spend any significant time away from the team as the President of that franchise, ensuring that they'll remain the worst team in baseball for another fifteen years.

Despite ousting his biggest rival, Garrett still seamed defeated.

"I'm not having fun playing Survivor. This isn't fun for me right now. I have to be honest, manual labor isn't fun, starving isn't fun, so it's not like a cool adventure for me."

And it was at that point that "Dorothy" finally realized that she wasn't in the World Series of Kansas anymore.

"When I'm playing poker I'm sitting in a comfortable chair, chicken and vegetables are like being brought to me right at the table....I wanna play Survivor to like outwit and outplay people, I don't wanna play Survivor to survive in the wilderness."

Who else thinks that Garrett Adelstein is secretly pissed that he was put on the Brains Tribe instead of the Beauty Tribe?

At the Brawn Tribe, Cliff Robinson and Woo quickly formed a bond, with Cliff calling him his wing man. "Batman had Robin, Jordan had Pippen, and Cliff has Woo."

Everybody seemed to take an instant liking to Cliff...That is, except for Tony, who was jealous of his popularity with the girls (and Woo) as a former NBA star.

Likewise, Trish snapped at Lindsey for kissing Cliff's ass. She then went on to mumble something about being from Boston, giggled maniacally, and instantly formed a bond with Tony, the idiot cop from New Jersey.

Despite their age difference, Lindsey Ogle and Trish Hegarty have more in common than they realize...Their stomachs.

And while Trish and Tony complained about how nobody else was doing anything to contribute around camp, that's when Tony revealed that he had been building a very top secret, undercover "Spy Shack."

Trisha and I are walking on egg shells with these people, and that's when I came up with the idea, 'let me try and spy on them.' As I'm building the shelter, I'm trying to act like I'm trying to protect them from the rain and everything, but I'm building a spy shack."

Just for the record, everyone from the east coast is stupid.

At the Beauty camp, Jefra had more important questions for her tribe, asking, "Are y'all urinating a lot? I know we're not poopin', but are y'all peein'?

Jefra Bland: In Kentucky they call her a "pageant queens," anywhere else she's just a redneck girl who waives a bikini while wearing nothing but a checkered flag (and no, that's not a typo).

Pretty girl Morgan proclaimed, "I'm from like the Silicon Valley, so it's all really tech and engineers. Those nerd tribe would love where I live."

That caused this season's flaming gay guy Brice to propose an alliance with Morgan and Sylvester by saying, "Us country folk have to stick together."

And if you were confused by that exchange, you weren't alone.

While he wasn't successful, Brice at least tried to explain what he meant.

"I think when my tribe first saw me they kind of thought that I would be just the fourth girl on the tribe and just laying out all day. Don't judge a book by the cover."

The second Immunity Challenge required the tribes to swim out as teams to underwater cages, untie and release pieces from a series of fish trap, and then solve a puzzle.

With the tribes uneven, Cliff and Brice both volunteered to sit out, mainly because they were black and it was a swimming challenge.

This time the Brawn Tribe won after J'Tia blew a huge lead for the Brain Tribe by fucking up their puzzle.

That allowed the Beauty Tribe come back from a huge deficit after horrible swim to steal second place, thereby sending the Brains Tribe back to Tribal Council, and gave the other two tribes fishing tackle.

Sure enough, Tony found a clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol in the Brawn Tribe's fishing kit.

He then immediately followed up on that clue by feeling around and saying, "I felt a lump, and sure enough..."

Unfortunately, Tony was just talking about the Idol, not testicular cancer.

If you want to scar yourself for life, just press play and close your eyes and listen to what Tony Vlachos sounds like in bed.

 Tony went on to explain why he wouldn't be telling anyone what he found.

"I don't need to tell anybody about the Idol, it's not going to benefit me in any way to tell anybody about the Idol, because that's just going to give them leverage to try and sneak attack me, and I don't want that. I'd rather try to sneak attack them."

And with "spy boxes" and "sneak attacks," Tony took Survivor all the way to the Coach/Tyson Apostol level of stupidity.

Sadly, Tony was quickly outdone, because at the Brains Tribe Garrett unilaterally voted not to have any private conversations regarding game strategy, instead wanting to discuss everything in the open.

Wanting to play the strategic part of the game, Tasha disagreed shouting, "This is Survivor!" 

And when Garrett said, "I don't want to do that anymore," Tasha, one of his alliance members snapped, "Then quit!"

Spencer wasn't feeling Garrett either.

"Like the Survivor genius he is, Garrett decides to have an open forum on what we're going to do later at Tribal Council. 'Garrett, you're an idiot. What are you doing? You're a first class grade-A moron in Survivor!'"

With Garrett having told J'Tia that she was going home, Garrett mistakenly left her alone at camp, not wanting the rest of the tribe to talk on the beach without him.

Sure enough, J'Tia went all mental patient and dumped the tribe's entire bag of rice into the fire.

Better yet, she didn't even apologize saying, "That's what happens when you leave crazy people alone!"

Branding herself as crazy was dead on, because unbeknowst to J'Tia, Tasha and Kass were just about ready to turn on Garrett and keep her safe.

That caused Kass to sigh, "How did we come up with the criteria for brains? I'd like to see that data, because ironically, I was about to approach J'Tia about turning this thing around.

At Tribal Council, J'Tia didn't apologize, but did own up to her actions. "I wanted to hurt Garrett, so I threw the rice in the fire...Not my best moment."

Jeff Probst seemed dumbfounded by Garrett's strategy of openness by exclaiming, "There's a reason blindsides work. It's not 'cause they're fun, it's because they're effective!"

And while J'Tia was firmly on her way out of the game, Garrett, the alleged pro poker player, inexplicably tipped his hand about where everyone in his alliances stood.

"Tasha was upset today because J'Tia was her closest ally. You can ask the others in the alliance...Or I'm sorry, in the tribe."

Of course, Kass was never formally asked to be a part of Garrett's alliance, which got her brainy girl panties in a wad.

Trying to cover his ass Garrett asked Kass, "You don't think that you, Spencer and I worked out an alliance on day four?"

Of course, that had the effect of letting Tasha know that she was on the ass end of any alliance she thought she had with Garrett, much like J'Tia.

And when Garrett tried to deny it, Jeff asked, "Isn't that what you just said?"

As a follow up Jeff asked, "Spencer am I wrong?" Sure enough, Spencer didn't hesitate to say, "You're not wrong."

By that point as I watched at home, I knew that the individuals on the Brain Tribe needed to seriously be considering keeping the crazy chick who just dumped all of their rice in the fire in the game over Garrett.

I also thought, "Garrett better play his Idol."

And when it came time to reveal the Brain Tribe's vote, Garrett didn't play his Immunity Idol because, get this, he felt he was so secure that he didn't even bring it with him to Tribal Council.

Sure enough, Garrett said so many wrong things at Tribal Council that he went from being safe, to getting voted out and cementing his legacy as the stupidest player in Survivor history.

At least that kid Eric Reichenbach got conned out of his Idol by a group of hot chicks lead by Parvati Shallow.

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