Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Blood vs. Water - "He's the college athlete, I'm the junkie"

This week's episode began with the contestants heading to watch the Redemption Challenge between Candice, Marissa and Rachel.

While Tyson had the option of switching places with Rachel, his "loved one," she told him to stay on his tribe where he had a better chance of winning for the two of them.

It was only after he realized that he was effectively safe that Tyson decided to break out his "Survivor muscles" and trying to make himself look tough in front of the cameras.

"You guys watch out, because if any of you see me at Redemption Island, none of you have a chance in Hell. Mr. Football over there smiling at me like he does, you can be big, but that's the worst thing in this game."

Of course, that was the same Tyson Apostol who blatantly wore a "cupcake belt" and begged his man crush Aras, "If somebody wants to take a bite, be my guest. Who wants to take a lick?"

When Brad tried to justify who he had voted out, Marissa accused him of voting out stronger players, which of course, is why Tadhana kept losing in what was turning out to be a vicious cycle of steroids, paranoia and stupidity emanating from Brad's concussed brain.

Keep in mind that Brad Culpepper, who's obviously still very toned now, played DEFENSIVE TACKLE in the NFL...That's right, his playing weight was nearly 300 pounds. Since he last played in the NFL he has magically lost about 100 pounds.

And when Brad tried to talk down to Marissa by saying, "We're playing Survivor babe, maybe there was more to it than that," Marissa snapped, "FUCK YOU BRAD CULPEPPER!"

Fortunately uncle Gervase was there to diffuse the situation, as he advised Marissa to "tone it down" just in time, showing yet again why he's the greatest player in Survivor history.  

Apparently upset that he wasn't the cause of all the drama that was ensuing, Colton spontaneously began crying, "I don't want to be hear anymore, at all, and I'm sorry...I can't do this."

...And after the opening credits rolled (yes, we still had roughly 55 minutes of the episode remaining), we rejoined Colton's temper tantrum still in progress.

When asked why he was acting like a little bitch, Colton responded by saying, "I don't care about this tribe," and implied that quitting the game might be the best way to punish them for not buying in on his attempts to create unnecessary drama.

That caused Jeff Probst to get upset and scold Colton, calling his decision, "A very selfish move."

And that's when Jeff dropped the bomb, revealing how Colton was quitting Survivor for what would be a second time.

"The first time you feigned appendicitis, it turns out you didn't have it. You want to own that one now? Is that how it goes Colton? If things don't go your way, 'Let's just stop?'"

"Lots of people like to watch adventure, it doesn't necessarily mean they really should get up off the couch, and I'm now convinced that Colton is the guy who never should have got up off the couch. We brought a quitter back, and we got quit again."

Jeff Probst's lecture caused Colton to cry, "I don't care what y'all say," as ran over to Caleb, jumped into his lap and began crying.

And yes, that really happened. I'm guessing that wherever in rural Alabama Caleb Bankston is from, they didn't have a very good selection of gay guys to choose from...As a result, he ended up with Colton Cumbie.

As Colton left, Jeff told him to keep his buff as a souvenir, as he hadn't earned the right to throw it in the fire as he left like the other contestants. 

"Well Colton, you came back for a second time because you said you wanted to show how much you've grown, but your behavior now shows you haven't, and the irony is, the opportunity for the growth you seek is right in front of you, it's called Survivor."

Finally, we moved on to the Challenge, which required the three contestants to set up dominoes over a course in order to knock ball over and break plate.

Candice finished first, and gave John his second clue for a Hidden Immunity Idol, telling him, "I hope you know what to do with it."

Marissa came in second, which sent Tyson's "girlfriend" Rachel home for good.

When asked how he was feeling back at camp after losing his loved one, Tyson responded rather indifferently.

"Okay I guess, I'm fine...When she lost and I got to hug her and ask her if she had fun, and she said she did, and for me that was enough."

Oops, that's Tyson Apostol his real "loved one," Aras.

Brad responded to Marissa's claim he was "ruling the roost" for Tadhana by saying, "I am, but I'm making everyone else feel that decisions are being made as a group, not by me."

Most of the other guys on Tadhana weren't fooled at all by Brad, as they bonded over how happy they were to have him on their tribe because he was making himself such an obvious target.

However, John was buying what Brad was selling, and decided to share his clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol with him, which in Brad Culpepper's world of crappy Logical Reasoning LSAT scores caused him to distrust John.

I'm guessing that Brad's trophy wife, Monica Culpepper, is like 50, while her fake boobs are nearing 30...Both are past their expiration dates.

The Immunity Challenge was a sumo wrestling type competition to physically knock your opponent off of a floating platform.

Kat and Ciera began by blowing each other kisses.

Sadly, Kat's blown kiss turned out to be enough force to cause Ciera to get pregnant and plunge into the water.

In other matches, Hayden absolutely destroyed Tyson, who claimed to hurt his shoulder. "It's my shoulder, it popped out."

Fortunately, Jeff and his crack medical staff produced some sort of Shaman, who after a 30-second examination seconded Tyson's self diagnosis by saying, "His shoulder popped out a little bit."

After talking up the possibility of a match against his more successful younger brother, Vytas lost to Aras even after taking a cheap shot after Aras let him regain his footing and re-start.

Or as Vytas aptly said, "He's the college athlete, I'm the junkie."

And in the "you'll never live this down" matches, Ciera and Katie both lost to their elderly mothers, Tina and Laura, allowing the Veterans to win Immunity yet again.

Galang's win caused John to express some frustration towards Katie and Ciera. "They're a team of mothers and grandmothers, it's very frustrating...We can't have people giggling and laughing when we're losing."

Not to say that Katie Collins' life is all about unicorns and Spice Girls since her mom won Survivor....She's obviously added cheeseburgers to the mix.

Realizing that Candice had a firmer grip on John's nuts than he did, Brad lead a campaign to vote him John out.

"I'm running our tribe right now, but John's wife...if she gets back in the game...Brad doesn't control John anymore, Candice controls John, and I'm just kicked to the curb and I'm second fiddle."

However, Brad didn't want to write John's name down himself, and wanted the rest of the Five Guy alliance to do the dirty work of taking John out for him.

And while that caused Hayden to consider targeting Brad, John was still blindsided at Tribal Council.

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