Thursday, April 18, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Carmoan - "I was going to pee in the beans"

Russell's Nephew began the episode by volunteering to be the next member of the Favorite's Tribe to go home in the event that they lost the Immunity Challenge, citing how he missed his family.

...And that officially made Brandon Hantz the only person in America who wanted to see more of the Hantz clan.

He also disclosed how he had considered sabotaging camp, telling the Favorites, "I was going to pee in the beans...My apologies, I'm sorry for the thought."

Of course, that's pretty much exactly what he claimed he was going to do in a pre-show interview, proving that his whole act was pre-meditated for the purposes of creating a reputation for TV.
In fact, the way Russell's Nephew wavered back and forth this season, it's almost as if he was looking for the perfect time to "snap."

That left the Fans Tribe skeptical of Russell's Nephew heading into the Reward Challenge, where it was Phillip who lead them to victory by holding the most weight for the longest as the tribes tried to load each other up with the most coconuts.

That didn't sit well with Russell's Nephew's ego. "Phillip Sheppard, this dumb ass spy agent...Thinks he won this challenge, and it's REALLY, REALLY pissing me off."

Of course, that neglected the fact of how that's exactly what happened, but being a DNA bearing member of the redneck Hantz clan, Russell's Nephew had to put some spin on losing to a black guy who wears pink underwear.

After refusing an apology from Russell's Nephew, Phillip warned him not to "bite the hand that feeds you."

That turned out to be the final straw, sending Russell's Nephew into his pre-planned psychotic meltdown stemming from being viewed as a pussy by his family the last time he appeared on the show just a little bit early.

"I don't need no old 54-year-old punk bitch telling me 'don't bite the hand that feeds you...I'M A HANTZ! I FEED ME!

And judging by Brandon Hantz' physique, or lack thereof, he's apparently been feeding himself pretty well.

Russell's Nephew then confronted Phillip by saying, "Can you drop the Stealth r' Us thing? I'm not the Conqueror. Nobody there is the Exterminator or Exterior...Nobody likes their fucking name! Nobody likes you!"

And when Phillip responded by saying, "Actually, it's a lot of fun for us," Russell's Nephew knew that he was the odd man and would never live up to uncle Russell's expectations for him when it came to playing the game.

So Brandon took a page from his Uncle Willie's playbook, who upon realizing that he was about to get voted out of the game on Big Brother, staged a pre-emptive violent tantrum to make it seem as if he took himself out of the game instead of getting voted out.

How much Ed Hardy gear is too much? According to douchebags like Russell and Brandon Hantz, there's really no limit.

Almost as if on cue, Russell's Nephew shouted, "Let me give you a reason," as he dumped the Favorite's supply of rice and beans into the dirt.

Surprisingly, Phillip seemed to run off into the woods, with no other male (Cough, cough - Malcolm) manning up and beat the ever loving bejesus out of Russell's short and dumpy little nephew.

Russell's Nephew then went Robert DeNiro in Cape Fear (after fighting off the hit planned by Nick Nolte's goons) by yelling, "I'M THE AUTHOR OF MY FATE BUDDY! I'M THE AUTHOR OF MY FATE! NOW VOTE ME OUT BITCH!"

Russell's Nephew's outburst caused the Fans to arrive at the Immunity Challenge and announce that they wanted to skip the competition and go straight to Tribal Council in order to vote Russell's Nephew out.

Things then started to get heated between Russell's Nephew and Phillip, with Russell's Nephew pointing out how Boston Rob had carried him to the end of the game the last time he played and how everyone makes fun of him.

After Jeff Probst called Russell's Nephew to a neutral corner to prevent Phillip from beating his ass, Russell's Nephew made a point of trying to convince America (and his family) that he left the game on his terms even though he was clearly getting voted out.

Russell's Nephew then confessed to Jeff that he had a rough time after having been evicted from the game the last time he played, which was his way of saying that his wife, mom and sisters all thought he was a giant pussy.

And after Russell's Nephew was unanimously voted out in an impromptu Tribal Council, Jeff informed him, "You're not going back to camp," and ushered him immediately out of the game to avoid liability.

Of course Russell's Nephew had to get in the final word by yelling, "PHILLIP, YOU'RE A BITCH," but only after he had already walked past him and never to return again...At least we can hope.

Russell's Nephew remained determined to spin being voted off in a positive light in hopes that his family won't shoot him like a coon hound that can't hunt.

"Us Hantz', we speak our mind, and that's something I can wear proudly...My exit was nice, it was glorious...I don't regret none of it. I was the author of my elimination."

Of course, there's a difference between going out on your own, and getting owned by someone like Phillip Sheppard. The Hantz family just doesn't seem to get that distinction.

Brandon Hantz...Peace out you little bitch!

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