Saturday, April 20, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Caramoan - "I made sure I got the gay"

With Russell's Nephew voted off in disgrace, America can rest assured that we will not be seeing another Hantz on Survivor or any other reality show that CBS has to offer.

...At least not until the next season of The Amazing Race, where Willie and Brandon Hantz travel the globe in search of the most bitchin' Camaro in all the world. 

With new tribes being assigned, Phillip began the episode upset that fellow Favorite Corinne had taken an interest in Michael, simply because he happened to be gay. "I made sure I got the gay, and now Michael's mine!"

Regarding the new tribes, Julia spoke up by saying, "I nearly peed myself, that's the first time that I've ever come close to wetting myself.

Julia Landauer Racing: Interestingly, it was also the first time that Julia Landauer came close to speaking while on the show, although I'm pretty sure that NASCAR drivers are well known for regularly peeing in in bottles or their fire suits during races.

Then again, I guess that's one competitive disadvantage that female NASCAR drivers may have as compared to their male counterparts.

Cochran instantly picked up on Julia's personality, or lack thereof.

"I'm tempted to say that she has a vanilla personality, but I feel like that would be a great disservice to the flavor vanilla. I mean, people actually seek out vanilla flavored products."

Phillip thought that he could bring Julia on board with the Favorites as what he called a "double agent," but that was before she made what he referred to as "several foo-paws" in regards to her strategy of dealing with both sides.

Before the first Reward Challenge, Phillip challenged Cochran to an arm wrestling match, which as Cochran said, "Naturally he was able to beat me." Phillip attributed his victory to his 'will of a lion and determination of a guerrilla.'"

In reference to the upcoming challenges Phillip also proclaimed, "Anything to do with the upper body, back, shoulders, without being arrogant, I got it."

He then went on to collapse in a challenge where the two tribes began on opposite ends of a water filled track and attempted to chase their opposition down while wearing packs of weight.

That gave the Gota Tribe the win and what Dawn called a "diarrhea fest" in the form of a reward of coffee, cookies and pastries.

Corinne, disgruntled with Phillip's lack of performance in light of his boasting quipped, "You tubby lunchbox, I'm yet to see an ab on you."

Phillip failed yet again at the Immunity Challenge, where Reynold beat him one-on-one when it came to throwing grappling hooks to hook keys that they needed to unlock their respective tribe's flag for victory.

Of course, instead of admitting that he got owned, Phillip told his tribe that he secretly threw the challenge in order to go to Tribal Council and get rid of Julia.

That claim was not received so well by the rest of the Bikal Tribe.

As Cochran said, "It all makes sense. We had to throw the challenge or else we were doomed, and that's the only reason that Phillip was unable to throw a grappling hook...The spy's secret weapon"

Cochran went on to say, "Of course that's complete crap...You can't make up this level of delusion, and that's what excites me about playing with Phillip. I think he actually at this point is convinced that he threw the challenge."

The Favorites on the Bikal Tribe elected to split their vote at Tribal Council so as to prevent getting burned in the event that one of the Fans played an Immunity Idol, which they didn't.

That lead to a 3-3 tie between Michael and Julia, with Julia going home on the re-vote. With that result Corinne left Tribal Council ecstatic that her "gay" Michael remained in the game.

And as a proud and openly gay man, I'm sure that Michael appreciated that Corinne referring to him as "my gay." In fact, the last time I checked hags weren't allowed to pick their fags.

...Lest they get stuck with some high maintenance bitch who wears a bra out in public to show off her boobs to get attention like Corinne Kaplan.

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