Tuesday, January 8, 2013

The Bachelor Blog - "I feel like it's easier just to date a girl with two arms"

Well ho-ly-shit. As someone who has blogged the last two seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, you'd think I'd be on top of things like when a new season is starting.

It wasn't until today when I picked my USA Today, curious to see what interesting pie charts might turn up in the "purple section" that I realized that a new season of The Bachelor was starting tonight when I happened to glance at the TV listings.

After doing my due diligence, I found out that this season's Bachelor is Sean Lowe, who finished a distant third place to Jef and Arie in the "Emily Maynard 500."

Even though he professes to being a family man in search of true love, Sean has somehow managed to stay single despite having nearly perfect looks and having played college football at Kansas State.

Either all women are secretly attracted to guys who wear Ed Hardy t-shirts and play acoustic guitar instead of genuine nice guys, or there's something about Sean that I'm not picking up on , I just can't quite figure out what it is (In case you're new to the show, Sean's the shirtless guy standing next to the "bear" who's taking their picture in a bathroom. He's also a "born again virgin"). 

I'm not sure if Sean's single because he has even less personality than former Bachelor Ben Flajnik, or because he's secretly abusive behind closed doors like former Bachelor Jake Pavelka, but either way it looks like we're in for a boring season unless the girls carry it.

In fact, the producers even went as far as to bring back Arie Luyendyk, Jr., who was clearly posturing to become the next Bachelor, to teach Sean how to kiss and be more personable...But mainly just how to be more personable since Sean doesn't seem interested in kissing many girls this season.

As usual, this season has the standard mix of desperate girls who are either on the show to advance their modeling careers so they can get a cameo in Maxim, make a name for themselves in country music, or finally upgrade their career from hairdresser to stripper after they get sent home for getting just a little too drunk on the first night.

No, this isn't Sarah the one armed girl, this is Ashley Palenkas getting shit faced drunk.

Ashley Palenkas is also the girl who brought a bondage strap onto the show because she's a little too obsesses with "50 Shades of Grey." And remember, when using bondage ropes and other kinky shit in bed, always make sure you have a safety word...Like "Bright Light."

The good news is that The Bachelor brings out just about every negative quality that guys see in women...Girls desperate to marry the first quasi famous guy they see, women who make multiple appearances on different variations of The Bachelor trilogy, and single Mormon moms from Utah.

Sean began by saying how he went back home to Dallas heartbroken after Emily Maynard's season...That was, until he read about how much of a gigantic gold-digging redneck bitch she is in real life.

As possibly the whitest guy in America, Sean was also presented with a challenge this season in light of multiple lawsuits filed against The Bachelor accusing the show of racism.

Not only was the conservative southerner presented with four black girls in his dating pool, but they threw a girl who was born with only one arm, perhaps just to take some of the attention off of the whole racism thing.

Of course, casting a chick who only has one arm might turn out to be a brilliant move by the producers.

Not only did it force Sean to keep her around for fear of coming across as the most shallow person in America, but it enhanced the chances that some distraught girl who just got eliminated will go on to say something along the lines of, "I can't believe he kept the girl with one arm instead of me!"

Not that any of us can really judge...Considering that's exactly what all of us were thinking when he sent home some perfectly hot but emotionally unstable girls in favor of the girl with the nub.

Retro Commercial Break: Burger Chef Star Wars Fun Meals...Fuck Hardy's for buying them out.

Sean began the show by breaking protocol and handed out roses to the girls as the evening went along instead of waiting until the Rose Ceremony.

That caused all of the girls who received one to think that they had received the valuable First Impression Rose, while all the girls who did not receive one instinctually ended up hating the girls who did.

As Sean met the girls, we learned that one of the girls in the Heathers-esque pod of Ashley's (the one from Michigan) was so obsessed with the Fifty Shades of Grey novels that she brought a bondage strap to make an impression on Sean with.

That did seem to make an impression on Sean. However it was the wrong kind of impression, who by all means seems pretty conservative (notwithstanding the part where he's secretly gay).

In fact, in regards to Ashley Sean said, "I also brought a rape whistle in case I'm in trouble."

And if her bondage strap wasn't enough to kill Ashley P's chances heading into the Rose Ceremony, she did a drunken booty dance to distract Sean as she waited for Sean to finish talking with one of the other girls.

That caused him to call her "Fifty Shades of Drunk."

Sarah, the one armed chick, mustered up the courage to talk to Sean and explain to him that was born with only one arm, as he tried his best to look her in the eyes and act as if he hadn't noticed.

She went on to lament to the camera in the confession room about how difficult it is to date in light of her disability.

"They feel like it's easier just to date a girl with two arms...The only thing that comes to mind why I'm still single is because I only have one arm."

And with that statement, Sarah definitively proved that losing a digit only makes your other senses that much sharper.

And then again, not having an arm isn't anything that a handful of $2 bills can't solve for Sarah Herron.

First Impressions - A non exhaustive list of some of the girls who did and did not receive a Rose on the first night, and my initial impressions of them:

Selma Alameri - Selma, a real estate agent from San Diego listed her three most important qualities in a man in her bio as "personality, personality, personality."

And that obviously explains Selma Almeri's melon sized fake boobs.

Catherine Giudici -This girl has some teeth. Not "summer teeth," as in "some are there and some aren't," because they all seem to be there. She her teeth or gums just seem really jacked up. However, Sean still seemed very interested in her.

Paige Vigil - After a cameo appearance on The Bachelor Pad as an un-memorable super fan before she immediately got voted out, the producers for some reason decided to cast her on The Bachelor even though she wasn't all that pretty, smart or memorable.

And while she's employed as a Jumbo-Tron operator (Seriously, how cool of a job is that?), Sean apparently wanted no part of her operating his not so Jumbo-Tron, which isn't all that surprising...All things considered.

Sean's just checking to make sure that his junk is still there after all of the steroids he's taken.

But don't feel bad for Paige, aside from giving Charlie O'Connell a blow job, she pretty much crossed all of the items of her Bachelor related bucket list in just 6 short months.

Robyn Howard - Robyn, a former Houston Rocket cheerleader tried to impress Sean by getting out of her limo and doing a back-handspring in her evening gown.

Robyn Howard, the former Houston Rockets cheerleader, either moonlights as a mechanical engineer or in marketing as an account manager, depending on which of her many bio statements you choose to believe.

And since she ended up face planting, I'm guessing that her real plan must have been to pull an "Anne Hathaway" with her evening gown to entice Sean to keep her around.

Lindsay Yenter - For some reason Lindsay decided to wear a wedding dress to meet Sean the first night. She also went in for two awkward kisses that weren't exactly reciprocated by Sean.

Lindsay Yenter showed up on The Bachelor by wearing a wedding dress...Because there's nothing that a guy likes more than dating a girl who's just a little too desperate to get married.

Desiree Hartsock - Desiree, a bridal dress designer, must have been fucking furious when Lindsay showed up to the mansion wearing a cheap ass wedding gown as a joke to get Sean's attention.

I haven't seen someone steal another girl's thunder like that since the the white trash girl from Louisville showed up for Ben's season talking about how she was a horse girl just because she was from the home of The Kentucky Derby, only to see Lindzi ride up to the mansion on her real life horse!

Sarah Herron- To prove their political correctness, The Bachelor producers decided to put a one armed girl on the show.

Honestly, in light of all the recent discrimination claims filed against them, The Bachelor should probably just go ahead and make Sarah their next Bachelorette once Sean politely sends her home after the third week by saying "It's not you, it's your lack of a left arm."

Not only is she fairly pretty once you get used to the fact that she has a nub and a big ass, but she should have a built in bullshit monitor to weed out the guys who only come on the show to advance their Arena Football careers, expand their lumber empires, and improve their weather forecasts.

Kristi Kaminski - Kristi is a Ford model from Wisconsin who keeps telling Sean that she's "the best from the Midwest," which is kind of like saying your the best football team from the Big Ten.

Then again, bragging about being the best football team in the Big Ten is pretty much the same thing as saying that your the best girl of the Midwest, so I digress.

As a model, I'm not saying that Kristi Kaminski has an ulterior motive for coming on The Bachelor...But she does.

Jackie Parr - Jackie is a cosmetics consultant from Boynton Beach, FL who by putting the word "consultant" into her job title will make people think that selling make up from a mall kiosk is a  glamorous position.

Then again, when you have to compete against girls from past seasons like Dr. Blakeley Shea, the esthetician, I guess you do what you have to do to make yourself look smart.

Tierra LiCausi - Tierra is the girl who received the very first rose from Sean, and then started walking around the house like she had just made it to the final two.

"I know that other girls got roses, but they didn't get a rose right out of the limo without even saying a sentence to him."

 I don't know what went wrong with Tierra LiCausi's eyebrows, but she's the hottest thing to hit animatronics since "Carlos E. Queso."

AshLee Frazier - AshLee spent time in six foster homes before being adopted by a Pastor. She's also a professional organizer who professes that she's absolutely obsessed with organizing things, so she's clearly all sorts of OCD.

My guess is that AshLee has more daddy issues than Kacie B. from Ben's season, which may end up panning out well for Sean if he takes her to the Fantasy Suite.

Kacie B. - Speaking of Kacie Bulimia, after all of the contestants had arrived via limousine, Chris Harrison informed Sean that there was a former contestant who had called the show dying to come on one more time just to get more camera time...I mean have a chance at dating Sean.

And just when I was sure that it was going to be Shawntel, Kacie B. popped out of the limousine. You might remember her as the former bulimic from Ben's season who had her chances ruined by her ultra religious and domineering parents during her "home town date."

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