Friday, January 25, 2013

The Bachelor Blog - "I want you to act like Kacie, not this crazy person I'm seeing"

This week's episode began with Sean working out shirtless...Mainly because that's the only thing that he has to offer to his female viewers, and also the opposite sex in general.

I could be wrong about this, but I swear Sean was the guy who came on Emily Maynard's season swearing how he wouldn't be the guy who would take his shirt off on TV...I guess even good Christians have their price, and Sean's price was fame. 

The week's first 1-on-1 date went to Lesley M., the political consultant from Washington D.C. Assuming that she's never slept with Gary Condit or Bill Clinton, Lesley actually seemed like one of the more genuine contestants on the show this season.

Their date consisted of a trip to the Guinness Book of Records Museum, which screamed of being a leftover date idea from Emily Maynard's Gatlinburg/Pigeon Forge white trash dating extravaganza.

In actuality, Sean revealed that his father had set the Guinness World Record for driving through all of the contiguous U.S. States in the least amount of time.

He then went on to announce that he and Lesley were going to attempt to set the world record for longest onscreen kiss, no matter whether she was willing to or not.

And while it was never revealed who held the prior record, with two hours of network time each week and only 30 or so minutes of substantive footage to show, it's tough to think of another show that has enough dead-air time to even attempt to set such a record.

The only other show with that much air-time to kill is The Biggest Loser, but nobody wants to see sweaty fat people make-out, at least not since The King of Queens went and ruined that visual for everyone.

Fortunately, the show managed to spare Sean and Lesley the 3 minutes and 16 seconds they needed to set the record, even though Lesley barely managed to keep her ass in her 2 Live Crew inspired dress.

Short spandex "Move Something" dresses are apparently making a comeback this year lead by the shows many sausage like contestants who were searching for a much needed casing.

Waiting for Sean to hand her the rose she knew she was about to receive, Lesley called it the "elephant on the table," not realizing that was Sean's pet name for Kacie B.

The Group Date was this season of The Bachelor's annual sports competition, which is usually just a subterfuge to get the girls to wear skimpy clothing.

And instead of just having all the girls just wear lingerie to the Rose Ceremony so he could check them out, Sean decided to have the girls play beach volleyball...Cruelly relegating them to having sand up their hoo-ha's for the next week and a half.

Kacie B. used the game to find some body paint and write a "S" on her boobs...Which stood for small.

Speaking of Kacie B., who got sent home by Ben last season for getting way too focused on trying to disrupt his relationship with eventual winner Courtney, she was back to her old tricks, tattling on Desiree and Amanda to Sean.

And while Sean warned her to mind her own fucking business, he actually ended up sending her home before the Rose Ceremony because of her antics. "I want you to act like Kacie, not this crazy person I'm seeing."

Interestingly enough, when Sean noted how he was starting to see negative sides of people he had never seen before, Kacie B. had the audacity to smile, as if she didn't even realize that he was talking about her.

Much like the past two seasons, Kacie B. will likely fall in love with next year's Bachelor too...She'll just have to do it while watching at home.

The second 1-on-1 Date went to AshLee, the OCD girl who was adopted by a preacher and has so many daddy issues that she will undoubtedly be posing for Penthouse within months of getting sent home.

Of course, immediately before Sean arrived to pick AshLee up, drama queen Tierra magically "fell' down the stairs (off camera) and needed medical attention.

The fall apparently left the imprint of a mini set of butt cheeks in Tierra LiCausi's forehead.

That didn't sit well with AshLee, who said, "I think Tierra's the boy who cried wolf...I'm a smart woman, I can see through it."

Sean and AshLee finally made it to their date, which consisted of a private day at the Six Flags amusement park.

The only catch was that they also had to entertain a girl who had some sort of chronic illness, as well as some other chick who seemed to be afflicted with the ever so popular "zombie virus."

Seriously, I'd rather do the girl with the "Throa-Tie" than the girl with the nub, but then again, I may be prejudiced.

AshLee did her best to act like a good sport though, and eventually she told Sean her story about how she had gone through a handful of crappy foster families before finally getting adopted by a preacher and his family.

That resulted in Sean to giving her the "Rose of Sexual Abuse," as well as as engaging in as steamy of a make-out session as you can imagine having with a girl who was obviously sexually abused...So yes, it was actually pretty hot.

Oh yeah, Sean and AshLee (as well as the two handicapped girls) were also treated to a private concert from some overrated band that I'd barely heard of...To keep things simple for those of you reading along, let's just call them "The Zac Brown Band."

At the Cocktail Party, Sean felt bad for nubby Sarah.

After all, she had already landed the season's first 1-on-1 Date, so there was no way Sean was going to send her on the volleyball group date...No matter how funny it would have been to watch a one-armed chick play volleyball.

Being the gentleman he is, Sean arranged for Sarah's dog to arrive via limousine...Because there weren't enough bitches in the house already pissing on the floor to mark their territory.

Tierra began talking to Sean, but ended up watching him get "stolen" away from her by Robyn.

You may remember Robyn as the the Houston Rocket cheerleader who only dates black guys, but for some reason tried to call Sean out for not liking black girls...Confused yet? Me neither!

Not to be outdone, Tierra then came back to steal Sean back from Robyn, who asked, "Am I getting stolen?" Of course, it was actually Sean who was getting stolen back from her, but I don't ever remember a rose getting handed out to the girl with the most intelligence.

Desiree got the final rose of the evening, who's one of the girls that I actually like. That sent Ford Model Kristi Kaminski home, as well as some girl named Taryn, who I can only assume was a stripper given her name.

Kristi Kaminski's time on The Bachelor may have been short, but at least she showed us her signature modeling pose...The "rolled down panty" "sexting" photograph...Sadly, it looks like she posted these photos herself.

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