Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "He has his hands between Skupin's legs, a very intimate way to play this game, but totally legal"

Tensions continued to mount this week at Kalabaw, where Michael Skupin had depleted their rice supply while eating it dry, leaving them dangerously close to running out of food.

That caused Peter to snap, "He thinks it cooks in your body because it's pretty much 100 degrees. So Mike makes horrible decisions. He's the most useless player who's ever been returned to Survivor, and he needs to go."

That brought the two tribes to the Reward Challenge, where they competed for soup and sandwiches by attempting to push a large wicker ball through a field of mud and into their opponents goal.

However, that challenge quickly turned into a mud wrestling contest, and not in the good kind of way, as there was a whole lot of head buttin' (literally) and guy on guy grabbing below the waist.

With Jonathan Penner closely checking Michael Skupin out to see if he had any "fromunda cheese," Skupin yelled out PENNER!" While Jonathan did say, "Sorry buddy," I'm thinking that he wasn't really all that apologetic about it. 

While Penner's action seemed like a low blow, or least a low grab, Jeff Probst reluctantly confirmed that he was playing within the rules.

"Penner's doing nothing illegal. He has his hands between Skupin's legs. A very intimate way to play this game, but totally legal."

With the first grouping deadlocked and unable to score after playing for over an hour, and with either tribe needing three goals to earn the victory, Jonathan asked Kalabaw if they were willing to make a deal.

When Penner informed Michael that he was not willing to let go of his nuts for free, Michael proposed giving Tandang the soup and sandwich reward for getting his balls back and the remainder of their rice.

With Jonathan assuring the rest of his tribe that he was able to catch enough fish to feed them with the fishing supplies they had previously won, Tandang apprehensively gave him the go ahead to make that deal.

Since it was Michael who ate all of Kalabaw's rice to begin with, that deal wasn't received that well by the rest of the tribe. However, because nobody spoke up to voice an objection, they allowed Michael and RC to push that deal through.

That gave Tandange the feast of soup and sandwiches, along with a warm shower and a surprise reward in the form of letters from home, which I'm guessing doubled as toilet paper after the contestants gorged themselves on real food for the first time in weeks.

Tribe moral was at an all time low back at Kalabaw, where Artis and Abi began serving as Monday morning quarterbacks while trying to analyze their trade to get more rice.

When RC tried to console Artis by saying, "Sorry Artis, we wanted to give you a birthday feast," he just waved his finger at her and said, "Go away."

Apparently Artis was pissed about getting enough food to eat until the merge.

Never one to miss an opportunity to throw a bitch fit, Abi retroactively raised her objection. "It was one of the dumbest moves of Survivor. People usually go into that (the challenge) and at least lose, but just giving up the prize like that, I've never seen that before in my life."

Of course, Abi -Maria Gomes apparently forgot that she deferred her vote on whether or not to trade the challenge reward for Kalabaw's rice, but apparently that's not enough to stop "The Bitch From Ipanema" from opening her pie hole.

Realizing that their tribe members were using the campaigning against them, RC called Artis, Peter and Abi "cruel," saying Abi's obviously doing her Abi thing...She's like this little Brazilian bomb who's about to blow up at any second." Likewise, Michael correctly identified Artis as "A 13-year-old girl."

While Roberta Saint-Amour noted how Abi and her alliance have the upper hand, RC's definitely one up on Abi when it comes to another body part her booty.

Abi went on to complain about how her tribe got duped. "I doubt Kalabaw would just give us all of their rice without a plan B. They're not stupid...Kalabaw totally used psychology, and it worked. Fucking stupid."

Of course, the Kalabaw tribe quickly came to the realization that Jonathan was not capable of catching them fish as he had promised when he came back with only two tiny fish after a full day of fishing in ideal weather and conditions.

The Immunity Challenge involved each team launching balls in the air with a slingshot and having their teammates try to catch them in a net that served very much like a baseball glove.

When Katie forgot to keep her hand touching the starting area before the balls were launched, Jeff Probst became what I'm sure will be the first of many men to remind her to keep her "hands on the pole."
In what has become a weekly ritual, Jeff Probst called Abi out for sitting out of yet another challenge. "Abi, you're sitting out again? That is what, two out of eight challenges you've participated in?

Of course Abi responded by saying, "Well, it wasn't my choice," even though she's never had a problem voicing her opinion and getting her way when....Well, ever.

While Jeff Kent seemingly had an advantage as an ex-Major League Baseball player, it was Malcolm who carried the challenge.

Still bitter about their loss, Jeff decided to blame Carter for their loss.

"Carter was definitely out-muscled and out-maneuvered by Malcolm, forgetting that it was Malcolm who beat Jeff out for the fifth and final catch that Kalabaw needed to win Immunity by knocking him to the ground.

Of course, this is the same Jeff Kent that was so concerned about winning during his baseball career that he was once quoted as saying, "Winning is the only thing that makes me happy. Ask my wife. I don't get happy about anniversaries or birthdays. I don't care about that. Just winning."

Nonetheless, Jeff stayed loyal to his alliance with Carter, but they did discuss the possibility of voting Jonathan out.

While not normally the sharpest tool in the shed, Carter did have a point when he said that Penner would have the biggest target on him if they brought him to the merge as a returning player. 

Jeff told Carter not to give Penner any clues that they were considering voting him out so he wouldn't feel threatened and use his Immunity Idol.

However, Carter promptly walked over and inadvertently asked him about the secret scenario that he and Jeff were considering. "What do you want to do, Katie or Penner?"

At Tribal Council Jonathan remained confident that he would not get voted out, and ended up electing not to play his Idol.

Jeff Probst asked Jeff Kent if he played any other games similar to Survivor in terms of strategy, which Jeff quickly denied by saying, "No, this game sucks," so as not to clue anybody off that he was a former pro baseball player.

And after several minutes of the contestants speaking in circles about who it was that was going to get blind-sided, it was Katie, not Jonathan who was voted out 4-1, although I'm sure Penner is going to be pissed and wonder why Katie voted for him instead of Denise as he thought she was going to do.

In the end, Katie acknowledged that she was totally overwhelmed by the physical nature of the game of Survivor saying,  "I came in thinking I'm an athlete, I'm so strong."

The last time I checked, you don't earn varsity letters for competing in beauty pageants.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "I want a motorcycle, a sidecar, and a pink gun. That's what I want from Jeff Kent"

Sorry about the delays in my posts. It turns out that I lost my sheet.

I didn't loose my "shit" like Abi does every single week, but I actually lost my sheet on which I keep all of my notes and quotes, so I had to go back and re-watch the last two episodes online.

This week's episode began with Malcolm finding the hidden Immunity Idol that Russell had been unable to find even though he was an attorney and had the benefit of having found the clue to its location at Matsing's camp.

That proved to be beneficial for Malcolm in terms of timing, because as soon as he and Denise arrived for their next challenge Jeff Probst told them to "drop your buffs," and they were split up and assigned to either Tandang (Malcolm) or Kalabaw (Denise).

What initially appeared to be an Immunity Challenge actually turned out to be a Reward Challenge, where contestants from each tribe squared off one-on-one trying to knock an idol off of the tray that their competitor was holding.

Michael developed the brilliant strategy of throwing his own idol in the air and then lunging to knock his opponent's off before his could hit the ground, while Dawson pissed off Abi off when she defeated her by going for her hair.

Ironically, that caused the hot-headed Brazilian bitch Abi to yell, "She went for my hair! Play like a man, don't play like a bitch!"

In the end, Malcolm defeated ex-major league baseball player Jeff Kent to give his new Tandang Tribe coffee, tea, biscuits and cookies.

Having lead Tandang to a victory Malcolm was a hot commodity at his new camp, with RC doing her best to flirt with him, and Pete volunteering that he had the hidden Immunity Idol and that he would be willing to use it on him if needed to get him to join his alliance and vote out Michael.

Malcolm was forced to choose between a potential Immunity Idol, and Roberta Saint-Amour's huge fake boobs. Having already found Matsing's Idol and already shacked up with Angie Layton, Malcolm is pretty much playing with house money at this point.

Peter welcomed Malcolm's arrival by saying, "I was always a little wary of Mike, but now we have another strong guy. Probably even a stronger guy, and probably not as stupid."

To add insult to injury at Kalabaw, Dana developed severe stomach pain along with a nasty fever. That caused Jonathan to comment, "It's freezing, and I'm a big fat guy so it doesn't bother me, (but) Dana's sick and she weighs forty seven pounds or something.

And just when Jonathan was starting to surprise me by being somewhat more sympathetic and less arrogant towards people this season, he went Sandusky on the cute little lesbian who's built like a teenage boy.

Wait...That didn't make me sound good.

"You gotta get out of those wet clothes. Take everything off. You get naked under that blanket and we'll warm you up."

Dana's illness caused Jeff Probst and Survivor's medical team to come to camp, where Dawson gave us the first clue that she might have a crush on the show's long time host.

"Out of nowhere Jeff Probst is in my camp. Typically I'd jump up and down and maybe even jump on him, but it just wasn't good timing. He was there for Dana."

Unfortunately for Dana, budget cuts must have caused Survivor to layoff their staff doctor, and they had to make due with the next best thing...Some dude named Joe with a British accent, because apparently speaking with a British accent is supposed to make stupid people sound smart. 

For example, as Dana was laying on the ground grabbing her stomach in obvious pain, Joe made the astute medical observation, "I'm seeing that around this right side and around the middle is where she's having the most pain."

Once Dr. Joe finally figured out that Dana's pain was coming from her stomach, he magically cured her by kissing her belly and giving her a bowl of ice cream.  

When Jeff Probst prodded him a little bit closer towards making an actual diagnosis by asking "Dr. Joe" for his best guess on Dana's condition, he elaborated by saying, "I think certainly her tummy is irritated. Whether or not that is from an infection or some other process is hard to tell."

And while it's still up for debate whether or not an "irritated tummy" is an actual diagnosis taught at medical schools outside of Mexico or Caribbean island nations, it's certainly not a life threatening condition, which left the choice of whether or not to stay in the game up to Dana.

Unfortunately for Dana, she decided that could not physically or emotionally bare the thought of cuddling naked with Jonathan in order to stay warm, so she gave up her chance at the million dollars.

The Immunity Challenge consisted of a Battle of the Network Stars styled obstacle course, with the two tribes forced to solve a puzzle once they completed that course as a team.

With Abi electing to sit out yet another challenge due to uneven numbers, Jeff Probst voiced his displeasure by asking, "I gotta ask, of all the challenges how many have you participated in?"

Jeff later called Abi out by saying, "Everybody is in on this challenge, except for Abi, who's sitting out yet again."

Unfortunately for Kalabaw, Katie, the former Ms. Delaware was unable to scale the first obstacle on the course...A small mound of dirt. That caused Dawson to say, "She was not good. I told Katie she sucked, she knows she sucked."

These contestants wanted no part of the Lisa Whelchel from 28 years ago, who not only dusted the fitness show host on the Battle of the Network Stars obstacle course, but her time that blew away that of her Facts of Life co-star, Tootie, as well as the time by the dude from Falcon Crest with the floppy boobs and pointy nipples.

Slowed by Katie's poor start and Dawson's attempt to help while solving the puzzle, Tandang won immunity over Kalabaw by just seconds.

At camp Jeff Kent brought  new Kalabaw member Denise into his alliance with Jonathan and Carter, thereby making Dawson and Katie the two choices to vote out.

As the only person who recognized Jeff Kent as a famous ex-Major League Baseball player, Dawson had that knowledge at her disposal heading into Tribal Council. She even went as far as to toy with him around camp.

Dawson playfully wondered, "Maybe I should date an athlete?" When asked what she would consider an athlete she said, "Football, basketball, then maybe baseball is there at the end," just to get under the skin on his red neck. 

She went on to say, "I enjoy getting into his mind and making him uncomfortable. I kind of feel like I got a little mouse that doesn't know that it's in a corner, and I'm playing with it, and I'm going to step on it!"

Like most of the African-American baseball players that Jeff Kent was teammates with, Dawson was very eager to stomp on him.

While Jeff was definitely afraid that Dawson was going to out his identity, she was at the top of his list as to who to vote out. At that point she had two options:
A) Pull Jeff aside and let him know that she was aware of who he was and that she'd keep quiet if he promised to keep her safe; or
B) Just confront him about his identity in front of the rest of the tribe and turn them all against him.
Unfortunately, Dawson went all Sarah Palin and chose a third option option: 
 C) Keep quiet and hope that the biggest asshole racist in all of baseball repays the black girl out of pure kindness once the game is over.
And just like that, Dawson was voted off the show holding knowledge about Jeff that was about as valuable as an Immunity Idol had she decided to disclose it.

"Jeff Kent, I could have blown up his spot...If he wins, he OWES me so big. I want a motorcycle, a sidecar, and a pink gun. That's what I want from Jeff Kent."

Then again, Dawson got the only prize she was looking for as she planted a big kiss on the cheek of a clearly uncomfortable Jeff Probst as she exited the game.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "I was willing to die for this game the last time I played."

Having survived last week's Tribal Council, Russell explained how their was no quit in him by talking about how he almost died the last time he played the game.

Did you know that? Russell almost died the last time he was on Survivor?

That's not quite the same thing as being good at playing Survivor, but at least he has his spot in the Survivor Hall of Fame for being the guy who almost died, and then came back and wouldn't go away.

At Tandang, Peter unleashed his plan to create chaos in camp, with his primary target being RC.

As if it wasn't bad enough that he and Abi used RC's clue to find the hidden Immunity Idol, he planted that clue in RC's bag so the rest of the tribe would suspect her.

True to his plan, Abi saw the clue in RC's bag and actually proceeded to accuse her of digging it up from the spot where she had hidden it after she stole it.

South American like Abi-Maria Gomes women are known for many attributes, but let's just say that being rational is not one of them.

When RC tried to pull Abi aside and clear the air between them since they were once in a tight alliance, Abi scolded her by saying, "I'm over it...Move on...You know exactly what you did, you betrayed me."

And just like that, Peter pulled off one of the better moves in Survivor history.

Not only did his decision to plant the clue in RC's bag cause fellow tribe members like Lisa Whelchel to doubt RC, but it also caused Abi to lose her shit, likely making her RC's number one target.

At Kalabaw, Jeff Kent and Jonathan Penner expanded their alliance by bringing in Carter, the naive farm boy from Kansas.

Of course, being the asshole that he is, Jeff began to voice his frustration with the maturity level of his tribe. "We got a really young group of kids that aren't married, and don't know how to carry on a professional conversation.

Of course, fellow tribe mate Dana Lambert might have been able to marry if redneck dickheads like Jeff Kent didn't donate $15,000 to support Proposition 8, the measure to make same sex marriage illegal in California.

The Immunity Challenge consisted of collecting pots and carrying them on an ox sling that was draped across the contestants shoulders as they navigated an obstacle course, and then swinging a wrecking ball to smash those pots open the fastest.

When Matsing finished last for the fourth consecutive week, Russell awkwardly began yelling out loud as if he was talking to God. "Same old crap! Same old crap! Lord, I don't know what's happening. You gave me another opportunity, I don't get what's happening father!"

When Jeff Probst asked Russell if he was talking to God he called himself "a perfect creature" who was "formed by God's hands." Unfortunately, in his version of the Bible, perfect creatures are unathletic, socially awkward, and not very good strategists.

In fact, Malcolm "I sized Russ up pretty good right off the bat. He's met my low expectations...He lacks self awareness. It's apparent in challenges, it's apparent in the way he talks to us around camp, and it's apparent the way he loses his cool at Tribal for no reason.

While Russell seemed to hold out hope that Malcolm or Denise would elect to keep him in the game, his desperation began to show as he frantically searched for the Immunity Idol, which he couldn't find even though it was in plain sight and he had the clue.

Russell went as far as to place the blame on his fellow tribemates, saying that in the event that he did not make the merge it was "Because of a smoker (Zane), a lunatic (Roxy) and a beauty queen (Angie)."

In the end, while Russell may have been willing to die to play the game, his tribe mates were dying to get him out of it, as he was voted out 2-1.

And true to his own over-inflated ego, Russell let out a loud sigh in disbelief as the vote was announced.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "In my book, unless it's a manly handshake, it's not going to count"

This week's episode began with RC continuing to try and re-assure Abi-Maria that she was not being looked at as a liability by the rest of the Tandang tribe despite the fact that she was complaining of several knee injuries.

Even though RC shared the clue to the hidden Immunity Idol with her, Abi threatened to cut RC's "fucking head off" in the event that she ever betrayed her.

You know, because all women from South America are bat-shit crazy...Especially the one back in college who chased me around a party with a knife just because I called her a "Mexican."

And when RC finally grew frustrated and said, "I'm done with this, it's pointless," Abi snapped back by saying, "Okay, get out of here," essentially ending their girl alliance for some "Peter."

Abi-Maria then immediately betrayed RC and went to Peter and shared the information about the clue to the hidden Immunity Idol that RC had found.

All is not well on "Boobie Island" for RC and Abi-Maria.

Sure enough, Abi-Maria and Peter used RC's clue and found the Immunity Idol, which caused Abi to go all Gollum and proclaim, "Oh my God! I found it...I found it!

What size are RC Saint-Amour's boobs? Obviously, they're a '10.'"

Peter made his own little power play by telling the ostracized Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel that she was Tandang's first target to go home, but that he'd make a move to save her if she was willing to help blindside Michael, who was actually one of Peter's initial alliance members.

Even though Michael was the only player to that point to reach out to Lisa, she decided to take the good, and take the bad, "and play the hand that you have," and took Peter up on his offer.

Lisa Whelchel Art: I was always a big fan of Mrs. Garrett...But why isn't Molly Ringwald naked?

At the Kalabaw Tribe, Dana wondered what happened to the little symbol in the top of the rice box, not putting two and two together after walking up on Jonathan foraging through camp in the last episode searching for the Immunity Idol when he thought he was alone last week.

Jonathan decided to reach out racist ex-Major League Baseball player Jeff Kent by telling him he had found the hidden Immunity Idol.

True to the loyalty that he displayed when he "Betrayed the San Francisco Giants for the sissy ass Los Angeles Dodgers," Jeff agreed to form an unlikely alliance with Jonathan by shaking his hand, but quickly claimed that his handshake didn't really count.

"So I gave him a four fingered hand shake, not a five finger handshake. In my book, unless it's a manly handshake, it's not going to count."

The Immunity Challenge required the tribes to take turns diving to a series of flotations and unlocking them for clues, with each flotation device being a little bit deeper than the one before it.

That lead to a comical moment when Angie, Matsing's reigning beauty queen, had her own personal "flotation devices" hinder her from diving and releasing the shallowest one at just two feet deep. After that, she decided to quit taking any more turns.

Unfortunately for those of you Google searching for "Angie Layton's boobs," her bikini is yet to release her "flotation devices."

In addition to Angie's overly buoyant boobs, Russell also struggled for Matsing. In reference to being unable to dive down ten feet and release a flotation he said, "Everybody has their weaknesses, mine showed up today."

That statement apparently not only included his diving ability, but his ability to climb ladders as well, as on two occasions the muscle bound Russell cost Matsing precious time when he was simply unable to pull himself up out of the water.

That raised questions about whether Russell's so ripped because he's naturally strong, or if he's just artificially strong, a/k/a "LiveStrong," like Lance Armstrong.

Russell wondered aloud, "What is it about this game that frightens me so much? Last time I almost died!" Of course, he failed to realize that he had just answered his own question.

Michael Skupin continued his masochistic journey in Survivor by diving face first into the water for Tandang while wearing a diving mask, which promptly shattered, which is precisely why he had just told Peter not to do.

That's not face paint, it's blood...But given that it's Michael Skupin, you already knew that.

However, it was Matsing who finished in last place, again sending them to Tribal Council with Tandang and Kalabaw both winning fishing supplies. And to add insult to injury, Matsing later discovered that they had forgot to properly secure their raft, allowing it to drift out to sea with the tide.

New Feature: Retro commercial break!

At Tribal Council, Matsing had to decide between voting out the muscle bound but un-athletic Russell, or the pretty but cognitively challenged Angie.

Angie went on the offensive first by claiming that she'd never quit at an Immunity Challenge the way Russell did, even though that's exactly what she did.

And to answer your questions, yes, Angie Layton's boobs are fake...Barbie dolls don't have size D boobs.

Angie proclaimed, "I know I'm only 20-years-old, but I think I can fight more than Russell, honestly."

Of course that "honestly" at the end made it clear that she was still trying to convince herself what she was saying was true just as much as she was trying to convince her fellow tribe members.

After hearing Angie's argument to stay, Russell went from being insulted to being full blown condescending to her as a woman. "I was willing to die for this game the last time I played. You willin' to put your life on the line little girl?"

Just a guess here, but I'm guessing that Russell would not have appreciated it too much if she had referred to him as "little boy," so he probably needs to reconsider how he talks to women.

In the end, Matsing decided to stay with the slightly stronger player, and voted off Angie 3-1, which was unfortunate, because not only did they lose their raft and yet another player, but Malcolm lost the pillows that he'd been sleeping on.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Blogging the First 2012 Presidential Debate From A Guy Who Doesn't Know Who He's Voting For: Everyone Poops

In order to pay homage to how this blog got started, I decided to blog this year's Presidential Debates, which were the first posts I ever had back in 2008...And after looking back at those posts, let's just hope that my writing's improved over the past four years.

As an economic conservative who's socially liberal, I'm kind of a man without any party, affiliation or loyalty...Kind of like Pee-Wee Herman, Brett Favre, or any founding members of the Beach Boys.

In other words, my vote's up for grabs. So let's sit back and figure out why the religious white guy opposed to gay marriage has a 50% chance of being a closet homosexual, and our young hip African American President is really whiter than Tiger Woods.

The first Presidential Debate of the 2012 Election took place at the University of Denver, with PBS television personality Jim Lehrer inadvertently serving as Mitt Romney's facilitator...I mean the Debate's moderator.

The first of six topics was a question for both candidates about how their plans to stimulate the economy differed.

President Obama began by wishing his wife Michelle a happy anniversary, and promised her that next year they wouldn't be celebrating with 40 million people.

And based upon the way he ended up performing in this Debate, next year's attendance at his Anniversary might end up being about 39,999,998 people short of what it was this year.

President Obama went on to stress that the answer to stimulating the economy "Is not where we've been, but where we're going," and pointed to his bailout that turned the auto industry back around.

Gov. Mitt Romney capitalized on President Obama's play for sympathy regarding his anniversary by noting how there was no place more romantic place for the President to be than on stage together.

Missed Opportunity: Not only did Romney's joke take the perception of him being a stuffy upper class white upper class guy down a notch from the very onset of the debate, but President Obama missed a prime opportunity to quip back by saying something along the lines of, "Yet Gov. Romney, you're the one who opposes gay marriage."

With President Obama pointing out that Gov. Romney's proposed tax cuts could not lead to a balanced budget as he was claiming, Romney tried to dispel that statement by setting forth his 5 part plan for the economy that included:
1. Energy independence for North America;
2. Increasing free trade;
3. Cracking down on the Chinese for unfair trade practices;
4. Enhancing technical skills and education;
5. Balancing the budget; and
6. Facilitating small business.
And considering that Gov. Romney's "five step" plan actually involve six steps, I think I'm going with President Obama when it comes down to who's math believe.

With trivial matters like being able to add up to six aside, Romney strongly drove home his point that his proposed tax breaks would be for the beleaguered middle class and not the rich, as it was the middle class that had been hammered by increased fuel, food and health care costs under the Obama Administration.

Missed Opportunity: I thought that President Obama missed the chance to shoot back at Gov. Romney by saying, "Of course health care costs rose while I was in office, mainly because I was the first President to make health insurance available to everyone."

Gov. Romney also said that he would not approve of any type of tax cut that raised the budget deficit, and would instead balance any lost revenue from middle class tax breaks by closing tax loopholes for the rich.

In what may have been the line of the night, Gov. Romney shot back at President Obama's claim that his plan to stimulate the economy involved "trickle down economics" by saying that he didn't believe in Obama's plan to stimulate the economy through "trickle down government."

After the first topic far exceeded it's fifteen minute allotment, Jim Lehrer finally decided to intervene and make Romney spend five more minutes recapping the key points of his economic plan, while President Obama sat in amazement with a bewildered look on his face.

When Mitt Romney was finally kind enough to let President Obama and Jim Lehrer move on to the next topic, the candidates were asked to explain how their plans to tackle the budget deficit differed.

Gov. Romney began by suggesting that balancing the budget was a moral issue, where the current generation should not leave an unpaid debt to our future generations.

Of course that's a political fallacy, much in the same way that the baby boomers talk about preserving the environment for the sake of their children, but then in the same breath pitch a holy bitch fit the moment that a candidate even mentions cutting Social Security, which in our current "pay as you go" funding method stands to bankrupting multiple generations in the future.

Romney did shit in the Easter Basket of every kid in America by indicating that he would help balance the budget by cutting unnecessary government subsidies like those being made to PBS, you know, because that's the biggest fish that the Republicans have to fry.

In what seemed to be a cheap shot straight to Jim Lehrer's balls, Gov. Romney said, "I'm sorry Jim, I'm going to stop the subsidy to PBS. I like PBS. I like Big Bird, I actually like you too, Jim."

Mitt Romney pretty much declared an all out war on Sesame Street by advocating a wild game hunting season for liberal Big Birds and calling for aggressive pan handling laws that would unfairly impact the homeless like Oscar the Grouch...And don't even get me started about how his conservative social policies will impact same sex couples like Bert and Ernie.

President Obama hammered home the idea that our current deficit was the result of George W. Bush's policies that included two wars that were essentially financed on credit, as well as his own emergency measures that were necessary to avoid our country from falling into another "Great Depression."

As it became obvious that Romney was beginning to dominate the debate in terms of aggressively seizing the microphone, Jim Lehrer tried to lob President Obama an easy question regarding how Gov. Romney could possibly decrease taxes while raising revenue.

Unfortunately for President Obama, Gov. Romney promptly intercepted that question from him and began talking about his own agenda as the President was shown looking visibly frustrated.

As the subject matter moved on to Medicare, President Obama talked about keeping the current plan in place while making minimal cuts.

On the other hand, Gov. Romney made a bold tactical move that played the votes of senior citizens when he said that, unlike Obama, he did not advocate taking any money away from the system as it currently stands for current retirees, and would instead change the way it was funded for future beneficiaries.

For some reason President Obama seemingly failed to recognize that Romney was engaging in the common political scare tactic of kneeling down and sucking on the AARP's catheters, as he went on to engage in an educated discussion about why Romney's private sector voucher plan for future retirees was flawed.

However, he failed to address the likely concerns of a block of voters who were more likely to see Medicare as a determining issue as to how they vote, with that block being the dense population of Baby Boomers who are current retirees.

The fourth Debate topic revolved around the level of Federal regulation that each candidate believed there should be in the economy.

Instead of advocating for a complete "free market" approach, Gov. Romney said that all business needs some level regulation in order for a "free economy" to work.

However, he noted that some aspects of current regulations were out of date, leading to harmful unintended consequences on the economy.

While President Obama spent much of his time criticizing Gov. Romney for wanting to repeal the Dodd-Frank Act, Gov. Romney quickly clarified by saying that much of that legislation was necessary, and that only certain aspects needed to be repealed.

By this point in the Debate, President Obama was clearly rattled, as he could be seen on camera scowling whenever Gov. Romney spoke. On the other hand, Gov. Romney was presenting himself rather confidently, if not arrogantly, with a smug smile on his face.

Gov. Romney did advocate a repeal of ObamaCare, mainly because he felt that the expense of such hindered small businesses, gave people less choice in terms of treatment, and diverted money away from Medicare (which again was a not so secret attempt to pander to the AARP).

On the other hand, President Obama made it very clear that he was proud of the label "ObamaCare," and he stressed the need for it to continue due to "market failures."

He described those glitches in the private insurance market as policy limits, an inability for people with pre-existing conditions to obtain coverage, and a relatively high "experience rating" for uninsured people still seeking coverage.

And much to the surprise of everyone, when Jim Lehrer finally decided to interrupt one of the candidates it was President Obama, and not Gov. Romney.

Taking the offensive for the first time all evening, when he was told that his two minutes were up, President Obama sarcastically said, "I think I had five seconds before he interrupted me."

And when the audience broke out in laughter in violation of their agreed upon vow of silence, Jim Lehrer threatened to make anyone who was preventing the Debate from proceeding smoothly leave...Ironically, he wasn't just referring to the audience, but to himself as well.

Mitt Romney went on to proclaim the virtues of his health care plan while he was the Governor of Massachusetts, which contained a controversial assisted suicide provision that included sending Jewish people to the gas chamber and then posthumously baptizing them as members of the Mormon Church.

In all seriousness, Gov. Romney did highlight that his health care plan was passed by a Massachusetts' state legislature that was 87% Democratic, while ObamaCare was pushed through without a single vote from a Republican lawmaker.

By the time that the topic changed to how they viewed the role of the Federal government, Mitt Romney's interruptions were becoming so prevalent that I fully began to anticipate the opening segment of this week's episode of Saturday Night Live to go something like this:
Jim Lehrer: Candidates, please state your names, starting with you, Mr. President.

Mitt Romney (interrupting): He's President Barack Obama, but I'm Mitt Romney and... (as he goes on to talk about which one of his father's four wives was his favorite).
President Obama related he felt that his first role in charge of the Federal Government was to keep people safe as Commander in Chief. He also believed that the Federal Government should play a role in creating opportunities without restricting people's freedom, such as through education.

Gov. Romney believed that the Federal government's primary role was protecting the right to life and liberty as specified in the Constitution, which like President Obama, he be believed should be done through a strong military, only without any funding cuts.

While Gov. Romney generally advocates a hands off approach for the Federal Government in business and personal matters, he astonishingly announced his belief that a major role of the Federal Government should should be to protect our Constitutional right to "pursue happiness" as we were "endowed by our creator."

Unless, of course, your happiness happens to involve the right to pursue gay marriage, in which case Mitt Romney's Federal Government doesn't believe you should pursue happiness.

And while I too warship "The Flying Spaghetti Monster" and all of the freedoms she's endowed upon us behind the privacy of my own doors, I've said for years that Republicans like to tell you what you exactly what you can and can't do from a moral standpoint, while Democrats say it's okay to do whatever you want, only so long as you do them exactly how they tell you to do it from a paternal standpoint.

For some reason, President Obama kept making complimentary remarks towards Gov. Romney's programs in Massachusetts, and praised his technical training and educational programs for their success.

While I think President Obama meant to do so by pointing out that Gov. Romney's programs in Massachusetts were based upon policies and theories that were more Democratic than Republican in nature, he never really articulated that conclusion, allowing Romney to smile and thank him for his praise.

In what was sure to be a divisive statement, Romney criticized President Obama for investing over $90 billion dollars in floundering green businesses instead of on teachers...Again pandering to the teachers unions, who are typically less blue collar than most labor unions and more likely to vote Republican.

The final question involved dealing with partisan gridlock, and how each candidate would respond to bi-partisan efforts.

Given Gov. Romney's prior statement on how he passed his own health care program in Massachusetts despite a State Legislature that was 87% Democrat, it almost seemed as if he'd been handed the questions in advance straight out of the Days Of Our Lives episode involving E.J. DiMera and Abe Carver...And yes, I need to get a life.

President Obama seemed to go on the defensive when it came to whether he was willing to work with the Republicans, suggesting that it would not go over well with the Democrats of ObamaCare was repealed.

In fact, he flat out said that part of bi-partisan politics involves being willing to "say no" to the other party. And as we all know, that line pretty much worked wonders for Nancy Reagan.

Gov. Romney's closing statement focused on the middle class and how incomes are continuing to go down and prices going up.

Missed Opportunity: I thought Romney missed out on an ideal opportunity to bring up one of the worst phrases you can apply to describe an economy not involving depression and relate it directly to the Obama Administration...."Stagflation."

Overall, President Obama's camp has a lot of work to do. He looked older and more tired than Gov. Romney. He was not as confident, sharp or as aggressive as Gov. Romney.

Not only did President Obama make the mistake of being complimentary on some of Gov. Romney's programs in Massachusetts, but he almost came across as apologetic for some of his own policies.

In fact, as the debate ended, ABC's coverage noted how President Obama did not enforce a debate rule to limit the number of family members who were allowed on stage, which again showed tremendous deference to Mitt Romney's Mormon faith, allowing him to be greeted by all of his wives.

In contrast to the older and tired version of President Obama that we saw, Mitt Romney looked somewhat chiseled and like bastardised version of Stan Smith from American Dad. It also seemed pretty clear that he'd been to a tanning bed before the Debate...You know, to make him look less white.

In fact, Gov. Romney is only a housekeeper away from completing the Jersey Shore Triple Crown consisting of "gym, tan, laundry" all by himself.

Mitt Romney's not really old stuffy and white...He's Mormon!

All in all, score this Debate as a decisive decision for Romney, but certainly not a knock out.

For Democrats questioning President Obama's performance, keep in mind that this entire debate focused solely on the domestic economy, which is probably not Obama's strongest selling point.

He should fare much better at future debates that focus more on foreign policy and social issues.

Let's just say that I expect a little bit more from the President in every category ranging from his appearance, to his demeanor, to his conviction in his own policies in the upcoming debates.

Then again, according to the internet, I mean The Al Gore, President Obama's poor performance could be blamed upon on Denver's mile high altitude.

Of course, The Al Gore seemed to forget that President Obama actually had a genetic advantage debating in a higher altitude like Denver being that he was born in Kenya, which breeds genetically superior distance runners with better lung capacity due to the altitude.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Blogging Survivor: Philippines - "It was like a boobie trap...Literally"

This week's episode began with Angie, the former Miss Teen Utah, dry humping the bejezus out of Malcolm in the shelter under the guise of "staying warm" at night.

The Mormon faith doesn't endorse dry humping just for the sake of dry humping, so you better have a good excuse...Like staying warm or being on BYU's spring break. 

That didn't sit too well with their fellow Matsing tribe member, Roxy, who's own religious beliefs make Joseph Smith look like a progressive. "So I wake up in the middle of the night, and Malcolm and Angie were there like cuddling, like full on cuddling."

Even Malcolm seemed to recognize that his relationship with Angie Layton was making him a target saying, "I kept having to say to myself, 'Don't get boobie blanked, don't get boobie blanked, you're here to play Survivor...But there's no denying, that's a good looking girl.'"

Russell Swan also agreed with Roxy's assessment regarding Malcolm and Angie's relationship, but I'm not sure if it's because he's just as religious as she is, or if it's because he's obligated to have her back since they're two of the token black members in the game this year.

"Angie, a hot young chick, and it looks like she's got some boob thing going on. They're popping up all over the place. I don't blame him for wanting to go slap and tickle....(But) you get your bag on somewhere else."

My friend who was stationed in San Diego while in the Navy always looked forward to BYU's spring break week because of their saying,  "God can't see over the mountains." As a member of the military it's too bad that he was talking about the guys and not the girls, because Angie Layton has two pretty big mountains.

After spending 30 minutes of the show talking about Angie Layton's fake boobs, and justifiably so, the episode shifted to Tandang, where RC finally found the clue to the tribe's hidden Immunity Idol in the rice basket.

While she's a little thick right now, RC Saint-Amour is one of those girls on Survivor who's going to look totally amazing if she can figure out how to stick around long enough to get emaciated.

Trying to keep her closest ally in the loop, RC told Abi-Maria about the clue to the Idol, only to have her question her loyalty for talking "secretly" with injury prone Michael Skupin...About how he had managed to cut himself yet again for like the fifth time in just three days.

She may not be Bo Derek, but and she might be crazy, but Abi-Marie Gomes definitely has some curves working in her favor.

Former child star Blair from The Facts of Life remained isolated from the rest of the Tandang Tribe, electing to head off into the jungle alone like certain Native American elders do when they can no longer contribute to the tribe and are cast off to die.

To make matters worse for Lisa, her younger tribe mates mistook her social anxiety for her sneaking off to look for the hidden Immunity Idol...If "find the hidden Immunity Idol" really means "go out into the woods to cry."

Mindy Cohen

Peter went so far as to say about Lisa Whelchel, "She's like a dog that keeps escaping the fence in the back yard, eventually you have to shoot it." Sadly, if I ever had to apply that phrase to a former The Facts of Life star, I would have bet 10-1 odds that someone would have been talking about Natalie, but not Blair.

At the Kalabaw Tribe, former Major League Baseball player Jeff Kent acknowledged that the weather was starting to get too him, but at least he had the advantage of using his signature racist mustache to stay warm and dry.

..Relatively speaking, of course.

Meanwhile, Jonathan really did secretly search for Tandang's hidden Immunity Idol when the rest of the tribe took shelter from the rain in a cave, only to be caught in the act by Dana, who seemed to buy his story that the rain had washed out one of his contacts and that he was just digging under the shelter to look for his glasses.

The only cave I'm seeing in this frame is Jonathan Penner's, and I'm thinking that going there is probably not such a good idea.

Back at Matsing, Roxy seemed to struggle with both the weather and her faith. "Being in Seminary school and of Christian Faith, I thought that would give me great strength within this game, but with it being so rainy and freezing cold."

And while a little rain was enough for Roxy to question her religion, Denise took more of a "me, myself and I approach" to her spirituality and gameplay.

"I don't pray for anything. Anything that's going to get me to the end of the game is gonna be me...We have another challenge coming up. Not once does my mind go to, 'God, help me win this challenge.' No, Dig in, dig deep, and make it happen."

And just as I was about to say "Amen" to Denise, the sun suddenly came out and proved that there really is a God. Pleased that God was favoring her game over that of the non-religous contestants, Roxy had a beautiful moment and began to speaking in tongues...And when I say it was "beautiful," I mean that bitch be bat-shit crazy.

The Immunity Challenge consisted of each tribe pairing up in groups of two to retrieve a series of puzzle pieces while pulling a sled, and then having a caller shout out instructions to the remaining tribe members as they worked on solving the puzzle.

As Matsing tried to set their rotation, Russell asked both Angie and Roxy if they'd be willing to run two legs on the the sled.

Thinking that Survivor's challenges are just optional, kind of like the swimsuit competition at the Miss America pageant, Angie responded by saying, "Not Really."

With Angie refusing to step up, Roxy saw an opportunity to leapfrog her in Matsing's pecking order and said, "I've been drinking less water, so it really doesn't make sense for me to go twice."

And after establishing that they might not have the brightest tribe in the history of Survivor, Matsing finished in last place, sending them to Tribal Council.

Sylvester spent the better part of his leg trying to get a good look at RC Saint-Amour's boobs for Tandang, which was still a better strategy than anybody had for Matsing.

Fortunately, Tandang still managed to win the Immunity Challenge, which gave them a tarp, blankets and pillows as a reward. It also lead to one of the greatest scenes in Survivor history since Jenna and Heidi decided to get naked for peanut butter in Survivor: Amazon.

Knowing that she and Angie were the most likely to get voted out, Roxy went on the offensive and called out Angie's relationship with Malcolm.

"This is why companies don't like fraternization, it spoils a group, which ironically is the same reason why corporations don't like having ultra religious people who run around trying to convert everybody on their payroll.

Malcolm lightly defended himself by saying, "I'm like flesh an blood. If a good looking blond girl's gonna throw her arm and a leg over me, I'm not going to push her away."

That caused Denise to say, "Please don't be blinded by the headlights."

And thanks to Denise's comment about Angie Layton's boobs, I finally get the reference in the Wallflowers song One Headlight. That is, aside from the part where there was only one of them...Seriously, someone needs to explain that song to me in the comments.

Tribal Council was one for the ages, with Jeff Probst asking Angie what the one thing she could change in the game in light of the Matsing Tribe getting ready to lose their second member after just the first two weeks.

When Angie dumbfounded America by responding to that question by requesting "cookies," it renewed the debate about whether or not CBS should go back to casting real people like the Sue Hawk's and Colby Donaldson's, as opposed to aspiring models, pageant queens, and tiny little members of the Hantz redneck clan. 

When Malcolm asked Roxy why his relationship with Katie bothered her, Roxy responded by saying, "It was like a boobie trap...Literally."

Despite Roxy and Russell's best efforts, the white people still won out and sent Roxy home by a 4-1 vote instead of Angie.

And while Matsing didn't win blankets and pillows as a reward at the Immunity Challenge like Tandang did, Malcolm, that decision left Malcolm with two pillows to sleep on for at least one more week.