The Big Brother 14 Blog: "If your dog has really blue eyes, his dog has 'golden eyes...GOLDEN EYES!"



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With Frank unable to compete in the HOH Competition, his hopes were pinned to Mike Boogie, his only remaining true alliance member to ensure his safety for the week.

Of course, being the true team player and cheap bastard he is, Boogie opted out of going for HOH and instead pursued the $10,000 temptation jug to help with his legal fees, much to Frank's chagrin.

Boogie ended up winning the $10,000, chalking up his ability to navigate the slippery surface to being "Roller speed skating Regional Champion 1986, HOLLA!"

Of course, if we do the math on the 42-year-old man who calls himself "Boogie," he just gave us a pretty good glimpse of what his weekends were like as a 17-year-old.

Let's just say that Mike Boogie probably wasn't droppin' too many "dimes" if he was busy trying to con some dude into slow dancing with him to Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" at the local Roll-A-Rena.

Britney won the other temptation jug, but instead of going for enough money to treat a genital wart like Mike Boogie did, she pursued individual immunity for the week.

And just when I thought that there might actually be a line that "Mike Boogie" Malin wouldn't cross just to get himself in front of the cameras, we found out that he volunteered to have his friend, The Evil Dr. Will Kirby, remove a genital wart from his junk on national TV.

With Dan coming up just short on the temptation jug that would have given him individual immunity, Shane managed to win yet another competition to become the week's HOH.

It was then that Ian came to Britney and told her that Mike had approached him before the HOH Competition about nominating either Shane or herself in the event that Ian won, which would've gone against their "Silent Six" alliance.

But before he nearly caused three different alliances to crumble, Ian had more important business to take care of...Winning back his "flirt-mance" with Ashley following her make-out session with Frank.

Determined to step up with his game this time, Ian decided to let Britney "man-scape" him, which was bad enough that it required her to put on a pair of rubber gloves.

I don't know if Ian was more excited for his pizza date with Ashley or his grooming appointment with Britney, as he proclaimed, "In real life, beautiful women don't hold me down and rub things on my body, so this is definitely a pretty awesome day."

Of course, during the scope of his de-weeding session, Britney was seen gagging and exclaiming, "Nobody wants to go out with Ian when he has pit hair frickin' taller than trees...It's like a molting ferret!" I guess that explains the "Janine Lindamulder gloves."


Ian didn't fair so well on his date with Ashley though, remaining silent for much of their dinner. When he did initiate a conversation, it involved how much Mexican food he ate for lunch and when he was going to take his next poop, which is not exactly the material of 50 Shades of Grey, at least not the edited version.

When Ashley asked, "Did you ever go to the bathroom? You're going to have to go after that," Ian proved that he was totally comitted to their date by saying, "Yeah, I definitely am, but I'm gonna wait until it will be easier."

Needless to say, there isn't going going to be a third date.

As a historian of the game, Ian conversed with Mike Boogie and Frank about who would get to play in a Big Brother All-Stars game based upon "Good" and "Evil."

When Ian said that he'd have a chance at being on the "Evil" team if he made a few big moves, Boogie laughed him off by calling him "America's sweetheart."

Completely unaware that Ian had already ratted him out to Britney, Boogie then proclaimed that he was a 9 on a scale of 10 when it came to being safe for the week.

Despite a "Mystery Box" that showed up in the arcade machine with a question mark on it, thereby raising the possibility that Rachel Reilly's vag might be returning to the game, Shane still followed through and nominated Boogie and Frank.

Completely blind-sided by his nomination, Mike Boogie went the offensive, seeking an explanation from Shane. Instead of telling Boogie that with $500,000 on the line he didn't owe him any type of explanation, Shane ended up completely cracking under Boogie's interrogation.

Not wanting to out Ian as The Quack Pack's mole, Ian blamed Britney. After Britney scolded Shane for bringing her name up, Britney she threw Dan under the bus by refusing to answer when Boogie and Frank demanded to know if Dan was the one plotting against them.

Dan then completed the "vicious circle" of distrust by threatening to out Ian when he realized that he had become Boogie and Frank's primary target.

Mike Boogie remained in the dark about Ian betrayal, however, telling him to watch out for Dan because he convinced Shane to nominate Frank and himself. That caused Ian to say in the diary room, "(Dan's) not the wolf in sheep's clothing, I am."

In fact, Boogie was so snowed by Ian that he chose him to compete on his behalf in the POV Competition, which involved estimating the number of pieces of candy in various large containers, unaware that Ian intended on throwing that competition.

In that contest, the contestants could either elect to pass and move on to the next round or guess the amount, with the closest earning a point, and the player who didn't pass who was furthest from the correct answer getting eliminated.

During the POV Ashely unleashed her "Picture Method," in which she tried to "picture everything in pictures, and see how many pictures can fit within the picture." Get it? Me neither.

When it came time for Ashley to guess the number of lollipops there were in a 3-D tree, Ashley changed to a more scientific strategy.

"In my mind I'm thinking how many little bushels of lollipops can fit into the first tier of the tree. You have to double it because it's a 3-D object, then you would do 12 x 12, then you add them all together."

Unbeknownst to her, Ashley's strategy was fatally flawed from the time she said, "In my mind I'm thinking..."

With the contestants needing to earn three points to earn the POV, Frank faced off against Ashley in the finals.

While Ashley's scientific skills were clearly worthy of a Nobel Prize, she failed to consider that Frank was leading by a score of 2-1 when she passed on her final answer, which automatically handed him the POV by default.

With Mike Boogie on also on the nominating block, Frank exclaimed, "I wish I had two of these jokers," before using the POV to protect himself. That left Shane to put Jenn up as a replacement nominee.

Not having done anything significant all summer to make any waves, Jenn picked the wrong time to overreact about going on the block and irrationally demanded an explanation from Shane since she was simply going up as a pawn to ensure that Boogie got sent home.

Mike Boogie continued to get played by Ian, going so far as to make a plea for his safety. "The only thing I ask of Dan is to not do wrong by Ian. Frank's a big boy, he's going to battle...Just watch out Ian, (Dan's) a beast."

Of course, Mike didn't realize that Ian was really the beast...That is, as much as you can consider someone that he had to take to the bathroom the week he voluntarily wore the dog suit a beast.

Ian worried, "I'm just glad that Boogie won't be anywhere near me when he finds out that I had a hand in his going home, but hey, I learned from the master. Like father like son."

However, Boogie was evicted in a 5-2 vote, Ian approached him and said that he was going to see things that he wasn't going to like. Of course, as a historian of the game, Ian should've been aware that there have been many instances in the game of Big Brother where an evicted house guest has returned...Just sayin'.

That caused Boogie to warn Frank, "Ian is not to be trusted!" You know, because Mike Malin is a man of the utmost integrity.

Here's Mike Boogie's mug shot from when he assaulted a waitress at a Denver sports bar. To summarize, so far Boogie has been sued for embezzling money to pay for fetish sex with older men, treated for genital warts on national TV, and been arrested for assaulting a woman. That's pretty much the Triple Crown of douche-baggery, or as I'm going to call it, a "Douche-Boogery"...What a guy!

Britney rubbed some salt in Boogie's wound by mimicking his routine with The Evil Dr. Will by having an imaginary phone conversation in the diary room.

"Ring - Ring. Hello? Hey Janelle. No, Mike Boogie is actually not here, but I was just leaving a message for him. Is there anything you'd like to say? Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!"

And as Mike Boogie left the house, he gave thanks to his business partner, Lonnie Moore. To clarify, that's the business partner he's getting sued with, not the one he's getting sued by.

Before the house guests could enjoy the official dissolution of Chilltown, Inc., they were informed that this week was going to be a double eviction, and they headed straight into a HOH Competition.

That contest consisted of a series of "before or after" questions pertaining to the sequence of events that took place in the Big Brother house over the summer. Of course, that lead to an easy victory for Ian, a huge student of the game.

With Ian winning HOH, he was forced to immediately nominate two people, and he decided to put up Frank and Ashley.

However, Frank followed his nomination up by winning the POV Competition by finding three clovers in a Rainbow themed bubble pit, or as it's known on a larger scale, St. Patrick's Day in Boston.

Frank taunted Ian by yelling, "YOU DESERVE IT IAN," and took himself off the block.

Shane brought back two prizes from the POV Competition, one that he could play and one that he could lick...The POV and Ashley.

Forced to put up a replacement nominee, Ian exhibited a new found swagger and said to Joe, "Nothing personal, pop a squat man." However, it was Ashley who was evicted 5-1.

As Ashely left the house, my girlfriend wondered if she was secretly super smart and just playing stupid while she was in the house. Almost on cue, Ashley greeted Julie and exclaimed, "I love your side pony!" So to answer that question...No, no she wasn't.

Big Brother 14 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Week 6:

8. Joe Arvin - It's just a matter of time until Joe goes home, but for now, he's sticking around because he poses no threat to the real players in the game.

This week we heard stories from him that included the time that he was throwing rocks over a cliff and had his watch fall off and fly over the edge. Only when he turned around, he found that same watch laying on the ground. On top of that, when he picked it up he noticed, "On top of the watch in heavy, heavy dust was Greek lettering."

He also claimed that his family once owned the land that the White House was built upon, but sold it for "a mule and a fifth of whiskey." Given that Joe's family is originally from Lexington, KY, I don't doubt that his family sold the land that a white house was built on for a mule and some whiskey, but I highly doubt that it was the White House...Similar wording, but a big difference.

As Britney described the way Joe always has to one-up everybody else's stories, "If your dog has really blue eyes, his dog has 'golden eyes...GOLDEN EYES!'"

7. Jenn Arroyo - After being nominated Jenn demanded, "Shane, will you please tell me what the Hell is going on?" Ian responded by saying.

"This tattooed rocker is overreacting. She couldn't be a bigger pawn right now against one of the legends of the game, and she needs to chill out or else this plan is going to blow-up in my face."

That biggest strategic decisions Jenn Arroyo has made all season have been deciding what color to dye her hair, and whether or not to let her "tit-tat" show.

6. Frank Eudy - Frank threw a jab Joe's way in his vote to evict him by saying, "I vote to evict the terrible Chef Joe," which seemed a bit harsh...I mean, who wouldn't want someone who masterbates on a TV show with a live 24-hour TV feed, doesn't wash his hands, and french kisses your hard boiled eggs cooking for them?

5. Dan Gheesling - If people are wondering why Dan is wearing an Arkansas Football t-shirt, it's not because he swapped shirts with Britney like players in the Big Brother house frequently do. It's because as a Coach in the Big Brother game, he's paying homage to his idol, former Michigan State and new Razorback head coach, John L. Smith.

Hey Pig Suey Nation...Good luck with that.

4. Danielle Murphree - Gaining weight and losing standing in my Big Brother Power Rankings is not exactly how you want your summer to progress if you want to win the $500,000 or the heart of a man who was never really that interested in you to begin with.


Seriously, if I didn't know that this was a shot of Danielle Murphree's ass, I would have guessed that it was Kelly Clarkson or Nelly Furtado.

3. Shane Meaney - Seriously, this guy is totally awesome...And by totally awesome, I mean he's "pretty extremely super fucking cool," the title I earned in college for walking back to confront a police officer after she decided not to write me up for open intox.

2. Ian Terry - Ian got the idea to man-scape his armpits for his date with Ashley after learning of a hair removal product that Shane uses on his chest. I'll call that decision questionable, but his part in sending Mike Boogie home was absolutely the move of the summer. 

And by the way Ian, most women call that product Nair.

1. Britney Haynes - When Britney first returned to the game as a coach, she wasn't nearly as funny as snarky as she was during her appearance on Season 12. Now she appears to be getting her groove back, as she's slowly building some solid alliances, keeping the target off of her back, and busting on some of the all time greats in the game of Big Brother.

Plus she's got a great ass...Great to have you back Britney.

The Big Brother 14 Blog: "It stinks, it smells, it's slippery going down your throat"



Click here to get the most up to date Big Brother 14 Blog posts

Upset that he was not kept in the loop about the plan to backdoor Janelle, Joe was less than pleased with his fellow house guests, yelling (as always), "THERE'S SOME DESPICABLE HUMAN FILTH IN THIS HOUSE!"

Of course, that was odd considering that it came from the chef who has now been caught on camera on several occasions not washing his hands after he pooped.

In my book, people like Joe who cook for people but don't wash their hands after "dropping the kids off at the pool" are only one step better than the sub-human life forms who pee in milk jugs and throw their "trucker bombs" out the window.

Seriously, pay attention to the side of the road the next time you drive down the expressway...Truckers are the "carnies" of the highway.

When asked by Britney about what was going on with his relationship with Danielle, Shane said, "I just feel like she has stronger feelings for me than I do for her...I feel like I can't talk to any other girls, like she gets jealous...It sucks."

Danielle even went so far as to question Shane about why he's kissed her in front of the other house guests, but never when they were alone.

Of course, Shane refused to make eye contact, and avoided the question by saying, "I just didn't look at your pupils...I was looking at your boobies."

From looking at Daneille Murphree in her bikini, she looks like a pretty thick girl...I'm guessing those boobies are real, not fake.

That caused the mountingly desperate Danielle to say, "That's okay, you can look at them too," further showing that the Alabama school systems are leading the nation in building confidence and advancing equality in young women...ROLL DAMN TIDE!

As Mike Boogie and Britney talked about Danielle, they began to doubt whether or not she was a kindergarten teacher as she had told everybody.

In fact, Boogie was pretty much dead on when he guessed that she was either a nurse, or "less likely," a medical student. Britney questioned Danielle's motives by saying, "I don't see why anybody would get off about lying about being a nurse."

Boogie then correctly surmised, "Maybe she thinks that a kindergarten teacher doesn't come across as being as smart as a nurse is."

Clearly, Danielle failed to realize that nobody in America outside of Alabama considers nursing to be a threatening career in terms of intelligence level...ROLL DAMN TIDE!

The season's first Have/Have-Not Competition had the contestants divide into two teams and dress up in either foam lemon or lime suits.

Ian was initially happy that the random draw put him on an all male team...At least until he realized that he would be required to soak himself in juice and have one or more of his larger alpha male teammates squeeze as much liquid out of him as possible by literally dry-humping the bejesus out of him.

After losing, Danielle exclaimed, "It stinks, it smells, it's slippery going down your throat...Interestingly enough, she wasn't talking about the fish that she was forced to eat for the week as a Have-Not, she was talking about Shane's penis.

Wil put on a text book performance in how not to play the game of Big Brother by going to the HOH room and talking to Frank and Mike Boogie.

First, he all but gave them an excuse to put him on the block by volunteering, "If you want to put me up, no hard feelings at all." 

He then hinted that he knew that a large group of people were playing together, but rubbed Frank and Boogie the wrong way by refusing to answer when they asked him who those players were.

"I'm not going to answer that question right now," before condescendingly shooting them a Fonzie and then blowing a kiss as he walked out the door.

From the lounge singer shtick to the assless spandex, Wil Heuser is reminiscent of a post Van Halen David Lee Roth, which aside from "Yankee Rose" is not necessarily a good thing.



Frank said that Wil better take his "community theater routine back to Kentucky," while Boogie explained how Wil had made a huge mistake and made himself a target by being arrogant.

"Prior to nominations, we just wanted to have a general friendly conversation with Wil. All this guy had to do was sit back and say, okay. But he copped an attitude with us and now he's kind of become a target.

Sure enough, Frank nominated Wil for eviction because of his abrasiveness, along with Frank, because nobody else in the house really cared.

For some reason, Wil went to the conservative Southern Baptist Danielle and told her that as a teenager he had a record deal where he toured the country, but was tormented for his sexuality at the Catholic all boys school he attended in Louisville, KY.

If there was any part of me that ever thought Brittney Spears was hot in "Hit Me Baby One More Time," I'll never ever think that again...

The Veto Competition saw the return of the Zingbot, who made his annual summer appearance in the Big Brother house roasting each of the contestants with "zings."

The real question is who the Zingbot really is? It could be anyone from Joan Rivers or Jeffrey Ross, to Lawon from Season 13. Then again, the Zingbot is pretty funny, so it definitely isn't Lawon.

The Zingbot's most notable one-liner involved a put-down that left Danielle fuming. "Danielle, I hear Shane's going to give you a special gift after the season's over...A restraining order. ZING!"


Needless to say, the "where did the cat shit?" look on Danelle's face says all we need to know about whether she thought the Zingbot's joke at her expense was just a little too true to be funny.

The Veto Competition itself saw the house guests put piping tubes together in order to bring a Baby Zingbot to life.

As the competition progressed Danielle said, "Shane's having a lot of trouble laying all his pipe...I guess I'm just going to have to restrain myself from helping him out.

Sadly for Danielle, I don't think she'd be of any benefit to Shane when it comes to helping him lay pipe.

Ultimately Frank won the POV, and he considered backdooring Dan even though they were both in the newly formed "Silent Six" alliance.

Britney and Dan were rightfully worried, with Britney saying, "We're one week from the agreement, and we're already worried that they're going to use the Veto. We can't trust them."

Wil, Jenn and Ashley all came to Frank and urged him to make a big move by back-dooring Dan, but ultimately he listened to Boogie and Ian, who warned him not to blow things up this early in the game.

In what seemed to be a strategic play, Ashley asked Frank out on an "ice cream" date, even though there wasn't any ice cream in the house.

That caused Ian to get jealous and passive aggressively snark, "Asking other men out on dates, really? I thought we were exclusive."

When Frank noted that he felt bad going out on a date with Ashley given Ian's crush on her, Ashley explained, "You know he's faking it, he's not really upset," before Frank corrected her by saying, "Oh, he's upset."

If Ashley had any intention of talking strategy with Frank, her plans were derailed when he bluntly asked, "Do you want to make-out on the couch?"

He later explained, "One of my favorite moves that I like to pull out the bag is just to flat out say, 'Hey, you want to make out on the couch?' Truth is, it works most of the time."

Sure enough, Ashley responded by saying, "Alright, let's do it!"

Another one of Frank's favorite moves is immediately going for the ass-grab, which I can totally "Appreesh."

With Joe on the block, we saw videotaped statements from his family members, all of whom were more entertaining than Joe himself.

His wife began by introducing herself, before stopping and starting over and saying the exact same thing, only yelling like Joe does. She said that her advice for Joe would be to "Stop yelling in the diary room."

Joe's young son piled it on by saying, "America, if there's anything you can do to get Joe to shave off that white thing on his face, let me know."

Later we were treated to an interview with Jeff Schroeder, the former Big Brother All-Star and America's favorite homophobe, to get his thoughts on the game.

After clearly thinking that he was going to be asked to return to the game, Jeff informed us that he didn't think that Wil, Jenn or Mike Boogie should have the right to even play Big Brother because alliances are meant for a man and a woman.

Ultimately Wil was evicted by 6-2 vote. When Connie Chung asked him why he put a target on himself by acting so cocky around Boogie and Frank, Wil said that it was because he didn't want to, "The word I'm thinking of, I can't say on TV."

Filling in blank, and ironically enough, Wil pretty much acknowledged that he went home because he didn't want to suck anyone's dick.

The HOH Competition called "Swamped" required the contestants to fill large jugs with a half cup of liquid at a time while walking back and forth on an extremely slippery surface.

The contest also had two temptation jugs, which oddly enough had nothing to do with Janelle Pierzina's fake boobs.

Those jugs gave the contestants the opportunity to try to fill one of two smaller jugs for either one week of safety or $10,000 instead of going for the HOH prize.

As we left off, Boogie was the only one going for $10,000, while four house guests were going safety, and four for HOH.

Big Brother 14 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Week 5:

10. Joe Arvin - Failing to wash after wiping does not even appear to be the most disgusting thing that Joe Arvin's done with his hands in the Big Brother house.

In fact, when Joe Arvin said, "I feel like I have been lambasted," I get the feeling that he was really talking about something completely different than having been deceived by his former teammates.

9. Mike Boogie - After the contestants received a floating basketball hoop for the pool for some extra entertainment around the house, Mike Boogie bragged, "They call me 10 cent Boogie on the pick-up basketball courts in Concord, NH where I grew up. Know why? Cause I was always droppin' dimes."

First of all, nobody should brag about playing pick-up ball on the "mean streets" of Concord, New Hampshire. Sure enough, it was Boogie who immediately belly-flopped on the hoop and smashed it beyond repair, or as Dan said, "Mike Boogie breaks it 'cause he can't control his 42-year-old limbs."

8. Jenn Arroyo - Five weeks in and Jenn finally talked strategy for the first time, noting how something must be going on if Frank didn't use the POV to backdoor a stronger player.

Fortunately for Jenn, players don't really don't start playing hard or form alliances in Big Brother until week 7, so she still has plenty of time to figure out how she's going to play the game.

7. Ashley Loco - The Zingbot insulted Ashley by saying, "Ashley, your smile lights up the room...Too bad it's the only thing about you that's bright." That caused Ashley to rebut, "You know how bright you have to be to be a spray tanner? A lot."

6. Frank Eudy - So far this season Frank has won the most HOH Competitions, become best buddies with Mike Boogie, and mounted Ashley...Which pretty much covers everything that Ian has ever dreamed about...That is, except for wearing a banana suit.
5. Dan Gheesling - Much like his Michigan State Spartans, you can never count Dan out. The longer he hangs around in the Big Brother game, the more likely it is that we are going to see some crazy trick play with a clever name or a Hail Mary as time expires.

4. Ian Terry - Ian's starting to step outside of his shell. And when I say "step outside of his shell," I don't mean unzipping that green uni-tard that he voluntarily wears to hold up his man boobs, I mean that he's actually starting to plot against some big time players, like Frank and Mike Boogie.

In fact, I can't wait to see Boogie's face when he ultimately leaves the game and realizes that it was because his "Padwan" Ian betrayed him.

3. Britney Haynes - I see a TV gig like ET Tonight in Britney's future, which doesn't bode well for her dorky husband, who's clearly "outkicked his coverage."

2. Danielle Murphree - The only time I was intimidated by a nurse, he was trying to take my blood pressure. I told him that when I go to the grocery store I don't have to stick my junk in the machine to get an accurate reading...I just did that the one time because it felt good.

Who says girls in the south like Danielle Murphree wear too much make-up?

1. Shane Meaney - Shane had a final two alliance with Danielle, but I get the feeling that he's going to turn on her the first opportunity he gets. In that case, I'm going to call them the, "It's not you, it's me" alliance.

The Big Brother 14 Blog: "I'm hanging on for dear life and having seagulls defecate on me on the side of a pirate ship"



Click here to get the most up to date Big Brother 14 Blog posts

Last Thursday's episode concluded with the HOH Competition in progress and the contestants hanging on to a tilted plank while getting drenched with watter and splattered with bird shit.

Thinking that he was in line to win the prize as a "Coach," Mike Boogie was not happy with America's decision to vote Britney, Dan, Janelle and himself into the game as players.

"I'm on cruise control for $100,000, next thing you know I'm hanging on for dear life and having seagulls defecate on me on the side of a pirate ship...I'm not a happy camper right now."



Ashley, on the other hand, was more than willing to get hit in the face with white goo.


Ian was more concerned with how the re-set button that sent the coaches back into the game was constructed than winning HOH, asking Janelle, "What does the re-set button look like?"

In what was likely the first ever conversation that Janelle ever engaged in with an engineering student outside of the strip club, Janelle responded, "It was a big huge button."

After dropping out of the Competition first, Mike Boogie was left to rely on Ian, his former team member, to win HOH and keep him safe.

"Two weeks ago I'm teaching this kid how to mack on chicks...Dressing him up in one of my bow ties...It's a bit of a role reversal."

Bow-ties aside, Mike Boogie isn't teaching anybody how to "mack on chicks." 

As Danielle held on in a battle of endurance, she was encouraged by Dan, who reminded her of the Alabama flag that would be hanging in her HOH room. When she prevailed, Shane literally kissed up to the new HOH by jumping on top of her and licking eating her face.

Mike Boogie was not at all pleased that Danielle won HOH, stating, "I hate this girl...I'm not really in the mood to see her dole out candy bars," in reference to paying homage to the new HOH by going upstairs to check out her personalized HOH Room.

As such, Boogie assumed that he'd be one of her two targets for nomination. "I'd almost kind of be insulted if I wasn't nominated, but I'm certainly not sucking up to this girl that I just learned her name like three days ago...Of course I'm going to be nominated, I'm Mike Boogie."

Danielle revealed that she didn't tell her parents that she was going to appear on Big Brother because it is not something they would have been proud of her for doing.

So Danielle Murphree's parents would not support her decision to appear on Big Brother, but they're cool with her with her sporting fake breasts next to a Harley?  You gotta love people from Alabama...ROLL DAMN TIDE!

As Danielle discussed putting Wil up on the block, he had to remind her that she had promised him safety when he agreed to drop out of the HOH Competition.

Even though she acknowledged, "I did say that, you're right," she still broker her word and nominated Wil along with Frank.

That caused Wil to fume, "You forgot Danielle, all sweet southern belles to to heaven, but nasty southern belles, they go to hell!"

Jennifer Aniston isn't aging well...but she still looks better than Courtney Cox.

The POV Competition required the contestants to throw a baseball into a grid of boxes marked with varying amounts of points, with the player scoring the lowest in each round being eliminated.

Each loser received either a prize or a punishment, with the players lasting the longest having the opportunity to trade for the prize that any of the contestants eliminated before them was holding.

Strangely, when Ian finished in third place he had the opportunity to trade up for a vacation to Maui, but instead elected to keep the dog suit that he drew as a a boobie-prize.

Wilfred on FX is actually a pretty good show, I just didn't realize that Elijah Wood was the one wearing the dog suit.

Danielle ended up winning, trading the pink uni-tard she drew for Frank's POV. With Frank seemingly in line to go home, Mike Boogie complained, "I just got beat by a sorority girl in a POV."

With Ian confined to a dog house in the Big Brother yard unless he was walked on a leash by another contestant, Mike Boogie approached him. "This is bizarre, but do you need to go to the bathroom?"

Dan, Danielle, Britney and Shane formed a secret alliance that they dubbed "The Quack Pack," but things quickly changed when Boogie approached Danielle about the potential of working together.

He also pleaded his case to Dan by saying, "You pressed the button, you wanted a re-set, let's re-set this bitch...C'mon Dan! C'mon Danny!"

The Coaches also considered re-aligning with each other, but Janelle balked at their request to vote out either Joe or Wil, saying that she wanted to vote Frank out this week and put her players up the next.

That caused the other coaches to question her motives and loyalty. Or as Boogie said, "for the first time in this game ever, I've seen Janelle quiet...She didn't have any response...Send Janelle home!"

In response, Britney and Dan decided to align The Quack Pack with Boogie and Frank, calling their new alliance "The Silent Six."

When Janelle came and knocked on the HOH room, causing them to freeze in silence, refusing to answer the door even though Janelle had to know they were inside...Kind of like I do when solicitors come to my house and I'm sitting on the couch in just my underwear.

When Danielle used the POV and put up Janelle as a replacement nominee, she was completely blindsided.

"I'm so shocked to find myself on the block that I didn't even put on make-up. I would've put on a cute outfit and washed my face and brushed my hair."

I understand that Janelle was once a hot Playboy model, but I'm predicting that things aren't going to end well for her husband.

When Mike Boogie poked fun at her early exit by saying, So for the third time, always a bridesmaid, never a Big Brother bride," Janelle exclaimed in front of the live studio audience, "What a douche bag!"

In the HOH Competition, the contestants competed one-on-one in a "battle of the bands" to determine what prior competition that a crappy song performed live by the group Nickleback was referring to.

With everyone else refusing to listen to the God-awful music, Frank overcame the pain and prevailed as HOH,

Big Brother 14 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Week 4:

11. Wil Heuser - Wil's little break from drinking mint juleps and organizing flash mobs to play house on Big Brother for the summer is about to come to an abrupt end due to his bubbly but bitchy personality.

10. Joe Arvin - At this point, Joe's only value to the house is as a cook given that he's a chef. And honestly, who wouldn't want to eat food from this guy?

Would you like some e-coli with that slop? Chef Joe Arvin may not believe in washing his hands, but at least we know his poops are regular...And HE was the one complaining about Frank's manners last week.

9. Mike Boogie - As a prior winner, Mike will soon be going home and doing whatever it is that Boogies do when they're not on reality TV shows...Like embezzling money to pay for gambling debts and gay role-playing sex fetishes with older men...Seriously, read the article that explains those allegations from his ex-business partner.

Of course, that's not as bad as what Mike Boogie did five years ago....Here's Mike Malin's mug shot from when he assaulted a female waitress at a Denver sports bar when his beloved Red Sox were playing the hometown Colorado Rockies in the World Series.

8. Ian Terry - When Ian asked Ashley if she had a final two deal with anyone in the house yet, it was kind of like he was asking a girl to be his Prom date...Right down to the part where she successfully avoided answering his question.

7. Jenn Arroyo - At one point last week Jenn actually got some camera time and said, "I'm just gonna live on a prayer baby and do my best." I don't exactly know what she was talking about, but at least she got some camera time...Good for her.

6. Ashley Loco - As Ashley talked to Ian she proclaimed, "I don't want my belly to be looking chubby-licous," as Ian looked at her belly and got a chubby.

5. Frank Eudy - Frank is a pretty good player, which also makes him a big threat. He has successfully responded to that target by blinking a lot. Seriously, the guy obsessively blinks all the fucking time.

4. Dan Gheesling - For some reason, Dan keeps calling the host "Mrs. Chen" when her name is really "Mrs. Povich."

3. Britney Haynes - On one hand Britney was clearly jealous and paranoid of Janelle, then, when her alliance decided to vote Janelle out, Britney began to cry, saying how she doesn't like to lie to other people...In other words, she's definitely a woman...Unlike Wil, who may or may not be a woman.

2. Danielle Murphree - This summer on Big Brother, Danielle will:

A) Get evicted;

B) Have her heart broken;

C) Get pregnant;

D) All of the above.

1. Shane Meaney - With all of the pink shirts that Shane has been wearing when he's not walking around the house half naked, I have to think he was just a little bit jealous when the more buff Frank had to wear a skin tight pink spiri-tard this week as his reward from the POV competition.

The Big Brother 14 Blog: "My boobs weigh more than his head"



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After Frank followed up avoiding elimination by winning HOH, he and Mike Boogie joked about the chain of events that changed his fortunes after he exposed Russell Hantz's Brother's lies during their argument.

"Hey Frank, It seemed like you were pretty much out the door, and you had a big fight. I don't remember what happened the rest of the week."

Frank responded by saying, "I think we got all of Janelle's players to vote to keep me, and then I went outside and won HOH," as the two laughed hysterically the way Boogie and "Evil Dr. Will" did in their Chill Town Alliance.

After Russell's Brother got humiliated in the argument he started with Frank in the previous episode, Britney all but ex-communicated him, saying, "I made myself look bad," before snapping, "Will you be quiet please," when he tried to interject.

While Russell's Nephew Brandon was disowned from the Hantz family for trying to play an "honest" game and being sent home on Survivor, I can't think that getting put in place by a woman on national TV by a woman is going to go over to well with the Hantz family

At the very least, Britney clearly has a black eye in her future...If not a shallow grave.
Willie Hantz 

Shane and Danielle continued flirting in what could become a budding showmance. Shane proclaimed, "A lot of red hair and a southern accent gets me every time."

Speaking of red-heads, kudos to Wendy's for removing Dave Thomas' fat real life daughter "Wendy" as their franchise spokesperson, and replacing her with a younger, hotter and slimmer red-headed girl who won't remind everyone what growing up eating fast food everyday can do to your body.

Thrilled by the prospect of a relationship with a closet homosexual like Shane, Danielle blushed, "If things keep going the way they're going, it's possible. Ewww - I can't believe I'm saying that," not realizing that Shane was actually talking about Frank, and not her.

Like most girls in the south, you really didn't really know what you were getting until Danielle Murphree took her make-up off. As it turns out, she's much better looking with it off than when she has it caked on.

In yet another PR move to rehabilitate socially awkward Ian's spot in the house, Mike Boogie talked him into asking Ashley out on a "slop date" since they were both Have-Nots for the week.

While Mike Boogie assumed the worst in saying that Ian "doesn't have a chance with that girl," he did not realize that she has a self professed "soft spot for the cute little nerdy guys."

As it turned out, Ashley was the one with butterflies, saying,  "Sometimes when I get nervous I get a watering eye," which oddly enough, I found somewhat attractive.

The Coaches Competition involved dressing up in M.C. Hammer style pants and walking across a balance beam in order to re-stack a pile of money on the other side. However, those pants limited the coaches to side-to-side movements.

Much like M.C. Hammer, Britney got off to a huge lead, but lost her money when she accidentally knocked her stack over, eliminating her from the contest. She later converted to gangsta, and then Christian rap in an effort to revitalize her competition career.

Mike Boogie seemed to defeat Janelle, but lost his focus and inexplicably jumped off the balance beam in celebration just before ringing his buzzer that would have clinched his victory. Instead, he was disqualified for falling off.

As Janelle said, "What a perfect scenario to play out. As (Boogie) is saying one of his stupid egotistical lines, turns out he wasn't listening (to the) rules of the game...What an idiot!"

With the power to either save or trade one of her players, Janelle elected to save Ashley, who may or may not have been so high that she didn't remember she was even in the house to begin with.

After being named a Have-Not, Russell's Brother tried to call a meeting with his teammates, but Britney, their coach, told JoJo and Shane not to attend in order to distance themselves from him.

With the Hantz family viewing the only acceptable outcome in a reality TV show being either winning or enhancing the family name as a bunch of wanna-be redneck thugs, Russell's Brother knew he only had one option to avoid being ostracized from the family like Russell's Nephew was.

For trying to act like such a bad ass, it sure as hell wouldn't hurt Willie Hantz to hit a weight room every once in a while.


After generically calling the house a "group of pussies," Britney pleaded with Russell's Brother to leave everyone alone.

When he refused, Britney, apparently having never watched Survivor asked, "You're not going to go out with what, class?"

Of course, Russell's Brother declared, No, I'm not going to go out with class." He then shouted at Joe as he walked by, "Bunch of pussies in this bitch!" As Joe continued walking, he snapped back, "YOU'RE THE ONLY PUSSIE I SEE, BROTHER!"

Having just been given the justification to go on a tirade that would make him worthy to leave the game without winning in his family's eyes, Russell's Brother chased Joe down screaming, "WHAT DID YOU SAY? WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Sensing trouble, Joe assumed the classic white guy boxing position with his guard up, but not up high enough to prevent him from getting cold cocked in the face should punches actually be thrown.

While he may not quite be in the same class as iconic boxer James Jeffries, Joe is definitely Big Brother's version of the Great White hype.

Sure enough, Russell's Brother lightly headbutted Joe's (unprotected) face, causing him to complain, "He hit me in the head. He headbutted me...He charged me." Strangely, that was the one time in the house that Joe did not resort to yelling.

That caused Big Brother executive producer Allison Grodner to immediately call Willie into the back bedroom, where he was immediately kicked out of the game for violating their strict no violence policy, and thereby cementing his position in the Hantz Redneck Hall of Fame.

Janelle commented, "He will go down for the rest of his life as the least dignified exit in Big Brother history," which sadly is something that his clan of redneck Oompa Loompas will probably wear as a badge of honor.

Shocker...In addition to trying to make a name for himself as a reality show super villain, Willie Hantz is also one of many "Camaro Guys" that inhabit the south.

Ian explained his awkward role during the fight between Joe and Russell's Brother. "I was standing there in just a towel with two extremely large men right in each others' face. I wanted to break it up, but I was extremely scared," and by extremely scared, he really meant "very aroused."

For his nominees, Frank put up Shane and JoJo, telling JoJo that he had given her a chance last week to go against Russell's Brother and that she "made a bad decision."

Did I say throat? It wasn't a bad decision like getting drunk and getting your throat pierced, but it was still a bad decision nonetheless.

JoJo Spatafora ass
Refusing to make their POV Competitions interesting, the Big Brother contestants were forced to dress up as tortilla chips and retrieve Mexican food menu items from giant bowls of various dips and placing them in a specific order back on their boards.

Obviously confused with what he was watching, my 7-year-old son asked if the contestant dressed in pink was "a boy or a girl." Sadly, I didn't know what to tell him.

Channelling his best Montezuma's Revenge, or at least a re-occurring case of gonorrhea, Shane ended up winning yet another competition, and he used the POV to take himself off the block.

While Shane partnered up with Frank and asked him to nominate Wil and back door him (that joke's just a little too easy), Frank ended up playing it safe and nominated Danielle, not wanting to make a big move and make himself a target so early in the game.

Danielle whined to both Dan and Shane about their reluctance to go out of their way to save her, not realizing that the southern belle shtick just doesn't fly with northern guys. "I feel so rejected and unwanted...I'm just so pissed and hurt...I have nobody."

Despite his prospective showmance with Danielle, Shane flirted with teammate JoJo as he tried to go to sleep. "I'm roasting in this bitch, I'm down to my thong right now," even though video evidence showed that Shane was not in fact wearing a man-thong like he claimed.

Nonetheless, kind of like how a faith healer plays to a stereotype and says something vague based upon your outward appearance to get you to believe they are the real deal, JoJo took the bait.

"That's funny, because I was about to take my pants off, and I'm wearing a thong," which was a total shocker coming from the chain-smoking girl from Staten Island.

Awww, Shane Meaney and JoJo have so much in common. Like many people in the Big Brother house, they have even started wearing each other's clothes...Like when Shane wore JoJo's pink sports bra.

Ian inadvertently, or maybe adverently, told Danielle that JoJo was talking about climbing on top of Shane, saying that he was "trying to board the 'Staten Island Ferry.'"

That caused Danielle to say, "He can go to Staten Island if he wants to," barely covering up how jealous she was.

As the girls got together to gossip about the men, Ashley claimed that she was not into Shane because he was "too little," and that she would "crush him in bed" because he was "too emancipated."

When Danielle asked Ashley what she meant by "emancipated," Ashley replied, "It's like when you're so skinny you start to get introverted." Interestingly enough, Danielle also said that Ian ate so much slop during their date that started to get "an erection."

Janelle then did the math and determined, "My breast implants weigh like eight and a half pounds, my boobs weigh more than his head."

Britney began to get frustrated with JoJo for agreeing with everything that anyone had to say. "I can't have JoJo out there running her mouth speaking in circles saying 'She knows' to everything that anyone in this house says."

"This is what it's like to have a conversation with JoJo. 'Hey JoJo, want to stay in the game? If so, I suggest you shouldn't do the following things to annoy your fellow house guests.' JoJo: 'No, I know. No, yeah, I know. No, yeah, I know. No, I know, No. No, yeah, I know.' Obviously, you don't freakin' know."

Having flirted with both nominated players, Shane surprisingly voted to evict Danielle instead of JoJo. However, the rest of the house did not agree with him, and JoJo was eviced 5-1.

In a classic and straight forward Big Brother HOH Competition, the competitors got one shot with a hockey stick to get their pucks in the slot worth the most number of points. Shane ended up winning yet another competition, giving him control of the house for the week.

In the twist everyone was waiting for, Connie Chung announced to the viewing audience that they would have a chance to vote on whether or not Janelle, Britney, Dan and Mike Boogie would have the opportunity to return to the game as players, or just remain as coaches.

Big Brother 14 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Week 3:

8. Joe Arvin - Joe will forever be remember as "Glass Joe" Arvin after going down to the hands of "Wee-Willie" Hantz in the shove heard round the world.

7. Jenn Arroyo - If Jenn got evicted from the Big Brother house would she make a noise?

6. Wil Heuser - I've heard rumors that all of the house guests secretly or not so secretly have famous relatives...My guess is that Wil is the secret love-child of David Lee Roth and Sawyer from Lost.

5. Ian Terry - Ian seems to be winning over his fellow house guests after a socially awkward start to the game. He could be dangerous given his knowledge of the game and the fact that his competition does not view him as much of a threat because of his small stature and relatively young age.

4. Ashley Loco - Watery eye and all, it's hard not to like Ashley.

Ashley Loco bikini Ashley Loco Boobs

3. Danielle Mumphree - While they have not officially aligned, I see the potential for an alliance between Danielle, Shane and Frank...If they do, I'm going to dub them "The Love Triangle."

2. Frank Eudy - Frank could become even stronger if Mike Boogie returns to the game as a player, because Boogie clearly needs a strong physical and social player to latch on to.

1. Shane Meaney - In his short stay in the house, Shane already has the most Competition wins in Big Brother history by someone wearing a pink wife shirt...But only because Rachel Reilly kept on insisting on competing topless.