Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Blogging Survivor: South Pacific - "It's a chicken. You grab it by the neck and you spin it around and you kill it. Or you bite its head off if you want to be cool"

In describing his rebellious 5th grade days, before he became "chained to a reputation" as a "brown-noser," Cochran told the story of he tried to woo the girls at his school through prank phone calls. "'You're so hot. I really want to trade sperm with you,' then I'd hand up and think that was a successful prank call...not fully understanding how sex worked."

Unfortunately, after a brief honeymoon period, Cochran's abrasive personality and annoying stories finally started to rub some members of the Upolu Tribe Alliance the wrong way. Sophie was one of those people who no longer found his antics amusing. "When I first came here I felt kind of bad for Cochran, I thought people kind of bullied him. I can see now why people got annoyed with him."

Cochran also began to recognize that he was the odd man out in the Upolu Alliance, comparing their use of "The Family" with "The Manson Family." "(Russell's Nephew) in particular almost seems excessively devout, to the point that he's trying to suppress something a bit more scary. I don't want to be Sharon Tate in this scenario." Cochran actually might be on to something, but he shouldn't flatter himself. The "Sharon Tate" in Upolu's scenario was clearly Mikayla, who's body is probably buried in a shallow grave just outside of Katy, Texas.

At the Redemption Duel, Ozzy met Whitney and Dawn in a Challenge that consisted of balancing a stack of bowls and plates the longest. Dawn was eliminated first, showing that it's one of her husband's seven other wives who's responsible for doing the dishes in her family back in Utah (Dawn's responsibility was "cleaning the bedroom," if you know what I mean). Whitney dropped her stack next, allowing Redemption Island to remain "Club Ozzy."

Edna began to chastise Albert for his lack of effort around camp. Rick called Albert a "precious little thing," compared him to a "Barbie Doll" by noting how he sits around looking cute without really doing anything, and gave him the nickname "Princess Albert." However, aside from his obvious Brokeback attraction to him, Rick too had issues with Albert's work ethic around camp. In fact, Rick's lust/resentment towards Albert has a few too many parrellels to the way that "Russell's Nephew" viewed Mikayla for my liking...but at least I finally figured out why Rick has that mustache.

The Immunity Challenge consisted of two stages. The first three competitors to throw bean bags on three targets advanced to a second round, where they shot coconuts to see who could knock down a series of targets the fastest. While Rick took an early lead in stage two, Albert ended up coming from behind and winning Individual Immunity.

Albert not only won Immunity, but a reward in the form of a trip to a spa for a shower and a massage. Allowed to select one other person to accompany him, Albert selected Coach. He also elected to give up his own reward to Cochran, who had told the tribe earlier that it was his birthday.

Hilarity ensued, not because Cochran revealed that he had lied about it being his birthday, but because he said, "I've given my mom massages over the years, but I've never received one." He then took it a step further when he told Coach, "It feels great, having a beautiful (woman) stroke the insides of my legs is a new experience for me."

Like Cochran, Edna realized she was at the bottom of the original Upolu Alliance after Coach told her she would likely be the next to go after Cochran. After telling Albert about Rick's comments, Albert called Rick "about as sharp as a bowling ball," and said that he'd join Cochran and Edna in voting Rick out if they could convince Coach to join them.

After Coach promised that he'd "go down fighting for his man Cochran," Cochran told him about their proposal to vote-out Rick. That caused Coach to contemplate, "There's a tide that is coming. I either take it and ride with a new alliance, or I stick with my original five...I just want to make sure I pick the right tide." Ultimately, Coach went back on his word to fight for him and voted Cochran out, who joined Ozzy at Redemption Island.

Ranking the Survivors:

8. Cochran - Cochran. While their reunion on Redemption Island should be very uncomfortable, can you imagine what an upset it would be if Cochran, who came on the show idolizing Ozzy, only to get "bullied" by him, ended up beating his former mentor in the Redemption Duel?
7. Ozzy - As he predicted, Ozzy continues to thrive free diving and spearfishing on his own at Redemption Island. I just wonder if he'll live up to his promise to "cook his competitors a nice fish" when former Savaii Alliance member Cochran arrives, considering that Cochran betrayed him and caused him to get voted out.
6. Edna - Edna tried to make a big move after Coach was dumb enough to confirm her suspicion that she was going to be the next to go in the Upolu Alliance after Cochran. Unfortunately, she needed Coach to vote with her in order to get numbers back on her side.
5. Albert - Albert arrogantly became comfortable with his position in the game and began allowing the weaker members in his alliance to do all of the work around camp. He described his strategy as follows, "The players in my alliance think it's not 'Outwit, Outplay, Outlast.' They think it's 'Outclean, Outgather, Outorganize.' To me this game is about doing well in challenges, creating a great strategy and playing a strong social game...I'll leave to housework to Martha Stewart."
4. Sophie - Sophie commented on how Cochran noted how he thought members of the Upolu Alliance felt indebted to him. "I don't feel indebted to him, screw you." Reading between the lines, my money is on the two of them hooking up after the show.
3. Rick - Rick, the silent Cowboy who has pretty much refrained from speaking all season, chimed right in when Russell's Nephew was shown losing his grasp on a chicken that the Upolu Tribe was trying to kill, allowing it to run free into the jungle. "It's a chicken. You grab it by the neck and you spin it around and you kill it. Or you bite its head off if you want to be cool." I'm not really sure what it means to be cool in Rick and former contestant Dawn's home state of Utah, but I'm pretty sure that I'm never going to go there to find out.
2. Russell's Nephew - Once considered a liability for him in this game, "Russell's Nephew's" inability to control his impulses is now his greatest asset given that he has ridden Coach's coattails this far. It would be nearly impossible for him to beat anybody who is smart enough to take him along to the Final Two as a human consolation prize. In fact, I propose they make a life size trophy in Brandon Hantz's image for every weak reality show contestant who gets drug along to the end to ensure another competitor's victory.

Yep, Brandon Hantz is that douche who posts shirtless pictures of himself flexing after getting his "swole on" at the gym on his Facebook page (which, BTW, is priceless). Way to pump those two 45 pound plates tough guy!

1. Coach - If there was any question as to whether Coach was the top seed to win Survivor: South Pacific, it was erased when he was the deciding vote as to whether the other controlling alliance members were going to be Edna, Cochran and Albert, or Rick, "Russell's Nephew" and Sophie. Thankfully, Coach gave us a "thumbs-up" in the otherwise useless "never before seen clips" episode that aired over Thanksgiving.

He finally did it!!! "Thumbs-Up Coach," meet "Thumbs-Up Jesus." "Thumbs-up Jesus," meet "Thumbs-up Coach."

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