Sunday, July 31, 2011

BBB13 (Bloggin Big Brother 13) - "You're an accessory to backdooring me!"

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So, with the Dynamic Duos still in control after week three of Big Brother 13, are Brendon and Rachel getting too cocky for their own good? Rachel began the week by bragging about getting Cassi evicted, "Cassi, you want to accuse me of being catty, being bitchy? Guess what, you can watch from your house while I'm still playing the game, and winning this money...I've gotta brush off my shoulders, cause I've never lost a Head of House!"

Rachel's partner Brendon went on to say, "Rachel is the quiz book, the brains behind our operation. I'm the athletic side, but anything that involves thinking quickly on your feet, Rachel can handle." I totally agree with Brendon...if "thinking quickly on your feet" means giving a blow job on national TV to another dude.

For Christ's sake, it's a still. Not only does it not play, but you wouldn't want to see it even if it did

The Have/Have Not Competition was scrapped this week for a reward challenge. In a ridiculous promotion for an upcoming CBS TV show, the house guests were given clues in order to guess the identity of a celebrity who would be visiting the Big Brother house. Upon only seeing the first set of clues (3 bars of soap and a pair of opera glasses), Jordan correctly guessed that the answer was David Hasselhoff. Her logic? Bars of soap are used to wash, and a brand of soap just might be called "bay"...So if you combine the two you get "bay-wash," an obvious reference to the TV show Baywatch. And, of course, the next logical leap was to conclude that the correct answer was Hasselhoff based upon his portrayal of character "Mitch Buchanon." Jesus, my head hurts. And here I was thinking that TV game shows stopped rigging their results after Quiz Show...stupid me.

Rachel became upset with Jordan after she won the luxury competition and did not select Brendon and herself for the reward, a sushi dinner with the Hoff while watching a screening of his appearance on a show where he changes places with a regular Joe who also happens to be named David Hasselhoff. Although it sounds like a really promising idea for a show, I'm sure that somewhere in Illinois there is a 16 year old girl named Rachel Reilly who is cringing at the thought of having to move to Las Vegas for a week and give blow jobs to guys who claim to be test-shot photographers for Easy Rider magazine.

As their argument continued, Rachel told Brendon that they did not have much of a relationship anymore. Brendon agreed, calling it more of a "relation-shit." Overhearing America's least favorite couple bicker with one another, Daniele deadpanned, "we're not in couples rehab."

Rachel disappointment in not being selected by Jordan to share in her reward was actually an intentional slight, as Jordan expained, "I didn't want to take Brendon and Rachel just because they'd probably be like kissy all this time, so I didn't want to listen to that, and I didn't want to suck up to her just because she's HOH." While Rachel and Brendon discussed putting up Jeff and Jordan for eviction over being slighted (with a little prodding from Daniele), Rachel ultimately nominated Dominic and Adam.

Convinced that he had a deal with Rachel and Brendon that would keep him safe, with Adam their presumed target, Dominic agreed to throw the POV Competition in order to preserve their nominations. The POV Competition itself required the competitors to slip and slide through water and suds and bring back random letters in order to spell the longest word that they could create. This caused Dominic to proclaim, "The suds are everywhere! They're smacking you in the face, they're hitting you in the back of the head." Rachel followed that up by swallowing some "suds" and gagging, making me think that she and Dominic have much more in common than they've been letting on. In any event, Rachel was disqualified when she tried to spell moisturizing, M-O-U-I-S-T-U-R-I-Z-I-N-G. However, Brendon ended up winning the POV Competition and preserved her nominations.

After the POV Competition Dominic continued to fan Brendon and Rachel's insecurity and distrust towards Jeff and Jordan. Jeff became suspicious of Dominic and Daniele spending time together, and he  ultimately figured out that Dominic was playing them both and brought this to Brendon and Rachel's attention. This lead to Jeff initiating a house meeting, in which he called out Dominic and Daniele, telling Dominic, "you're an accessory to backdooring me," which is probably closer to the truth than he'll ever know.

During one of the many confrontations surrounding the house meeting, Daniele called Rachel an idiot, causing Brendon to snap, "don't ever call my fiance an idiot!" That caused Daniele to say of Brendon, "Brendon walks around this house like he is king of the Big Brother house. Brendon may be able to talk down to she's stupid, but if he has the audacity to pull that crap with me, I'm not going to stand for it."

Brendon then inexplicably picked a fight with Kalia by calling her out for being a floater by bragging, "you know what, I've studied rocket science, and this (smelling Kalia out as a floater) is way easier than rocket science." Well done Brendon. Not only did you needlessly pick an argument with someone who was playing along with your alliance, but you also made sure that America knows that you were in the "gifted" class when you were in school. I just hope that he realizes that "when everyone's special, no one is special."

After the house had settled down, Daniele readily admitted that her strategy had backfired. However, as one of the strongest challenge competitors when she was on Big Brother 8 she declared, "with the Head of House Competition coming up, I will win, and I will get one them out of the house this week. While Dominic was ultimately voted out, his time was not a total loss, as he lost over 200 pounds while he was on the ranch.


Ooops...wrong show. Following Dominic's eviction, Julie announced that the house guests would no longer be playing as duos, but as individuals. As Thursday's episode was finishing, the contestants began an endurance challenge for the Head of House Competition where they had to stay on a pair of skis attached to a moving wall as they faced a barrage of elements. As an incentive to quit or stay in the game, the first five contestants to drop out received either a reward or a punishment, with the top reward being $10,000.

Big Brother 13 Power Ratings - Each week I rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after week 3:

10. Daniele - Talk about first to worst from last week (at least in regards to my Big Brother Power Ratings), what looked to be a brilliant strategy to play Jordan and Jeff against Rachel and Brendon totally backfired for Daniele. Now she has a huge target on her ass, which her father "Evel Dick" should be able to attest to after going ass to face with her during Have/Have Not Competition in week 1.

9. Kalia - Kalia has described herself as Carrie from Sex in the City. In reality, she's closer to being the black Oprah.
8. Lawon - Lawon has lost his damn mind. His comments keeping getting crazier and less coherent (but not funnier) by the week. If Lawon starts twitching and scratching himself repeatedly this week, I'll be 100% convinced that David Hasselhoff and his anus served as his mule to smuggle drugs into the Big Brother house.

7. Adam - When told that a celebrity would be visiting the house, Adam excitedly blurted out, "I hope it's Tori Spelling! Is it Tori? Is Tori Spelling going to come here? Am I wearing something nice? Is she going to think I'm cute? OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!" All I can say to that is, poor Adam...all those years of watching Beverly Hills 90210, and he doesn't even realize that she's still a virgin.

6. Porsche - Porsche received so little camera time this last week that I wouldn't be surprised to tune in on Sunday and find out that she has completely disappeared from the know, like the older brother "Chuck" did in Happy Days, or Lebron James in any meaningful NBA Playoff series that he's ever been a part of.

5. Shelly - If Shelly, the Christian redneck, is still worried about how her children will look at her for lying in the game, perhaps she can go to this guy for confession, I have a pretty good feeling that he just might understand...BOOGITY, BOOGITY, BOOGITY - A-MEN!!!:

So if 3,000-5,000 NASCAR fans show up at your place of worship each Sunday, do you call it a mega-church or a Walmart?

4. Rachel - I couldn't really understand why Rachel would get engaged to Brendon after she caught him Skyping his love part to other women, especially after the way she talked down to him all of last season. Now that I see that she is scheduled to appear on the Brides of Beverly Hills, everything makes total sense. I'm not saying that landing a reality show gig is a good reason to get or stay engaged, but at least things are starting to make sense to me now.

3. Brendon - I'm totally ranking Brendon over Rachel this week for yelling at her and making her cry after she gave Porsche what ultimately turned out to be a wrong answer during a luxury challenge that made no real difference in who stays in the game. Seriously, this guy is almost "manic domestically-abusive" or something. One year he lets Rachel totally emasculate him, the next he's flexing his muscles and making her cry for absolutely no reason whatsoever, then he apologizes to her and re-sets the whole cycle. Hey? Did I just apply that sociology class I took in undergrad to a quasi-real life situation?

2. Jeff - A week ago, Jeff was targeting Brendon as a backdoor eviction nominee. This week, they were wearing the same shirt. I would say that they that they were simply sharing clothes (as all guys do), but they were actually on camera wearing the same blue on blue American Apparel wife beaters at the same time. According to the Big Brother after hours live feed coverage, Jeff then asked Brendon if they should ask their girlfriends if they could go shave their pubes together, which Adam seem happy to hear, as he exclaimed, "Hey...I'm not the creepiest guy in the house!"

1. Jordan - Last week she farted on him. In this week's Veto Competition (where the contestants had to seek out letters in the back yard and use them to spell out the longest word they could), Jordan admitted that she contemplated spelling "farting" with the letters she came up with. Ahh that Jeff, he's a lucky man. Then again, Jordan looks like she could be in position to Big Brother's first two time winner, so it's in his best interest to hang in there with her a little bit longer.

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