Wednesday, August 10, 2011

BBB13 (Blogging Big Brother 13) - "...but you can SUCK IT"

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Last week we left off with the Head of Household Competition still in progress. With Daniele needing to win that contest in order to avoid being nominated for eviction, an overly enthusiastic Rachel (who could not compete this week as the incumbant HOH) acted out a bouncy cheer with arm gestures for Brendon, who was struggling to stay on his skis. This caused Daniele to deadpan, "I wanted to throw up. I wasn't a big fan of cheerlaeders in high offense."

Unfortunately for Rachel, Brendon quickly dropped out of the contest. While she tried to console him, she voiced her true thoughts in the diary room. "On the outside I'm pretending like everything's okay...but on the inside, I'm like, BRENDON! Why couldn't you just pull this off?"

First of all, the Rachel we knew from last season would have totally said that to Brendon't face just to make him feel like shit for fucking up her game. This year, she's biting her tongue because she's all concerned with being "liked" by America. While Rachel may be the slowest person in the history of the world at responding to insults from other people (her go-to move is staring blankly back with her jaw agape until she starts to cry), her redeamable talent as a reality show villain was her ability to neuter the otherwise cocky and arrogant Brendon on national TV last season. While she is only expressing her true thoughts about him in private so far this season, at least the Rachel that we all loved to hate is slowly beginning to chisel off her caked on makeup and show her acne ridden face. So let's keep hope alive and give Rachel a great big - WOO, TEQUILA!

Yep Brendon, it doesn't take a PHD student to see that this is only going to get better now that you're engaged. Congrats buddy!
As Rachel/Brendon and Jeff/Jordan not-so-secretly cheered Shelly on in the HOH Competition, Kalia caught on and asked, "Did they get to you?" While she denied it to Kalia's face, Shelly stated how she's "got to stay on this wall to protect my alliance and protect myself" in private to the camera. I would call Shelly out for yet another lie, but apparently her fibs don't count when she's on leave from her double-wide trailer-palace.

Daniele held true to her word last week and won HOH, afterwhich she blurted out, "I'M BACK IN THE GAME FOLKS!" She also proved prophetic when she predicted that Rachel would claim that she would have won HOH had she been allowed to compete. "If I was on there I would totally beat them all," she said while doing an imitatation Rachel. Shortly thereafter the real (but mostly plastic) Rachel said, "Not only have I been working my abs out everyday, but I've also been working out my shoulders (and) my arms. I really think that I would have been a fierce competitor in this competition." Daniele's fake Rachel quote ended up winning out over Rachel's real quote, if for no other reason than she concluded hers with a great big, "BUT YOU CAN SUCK IT!" at the end.

Following the HOH Competition, Kalia attempted to make amends with Rachel even though she was in power by virtue of her de facto alliance with Daniele. When Kalia came to her and said, "I swear with you, I have no beef, I promise," Rachel just snapped at her and said, "So crazy." Kalia again tried to defuse the situation by saying, "I just basically tried to say I'm sorry," but Rachel interrupted and said, "I've never done anything to you, you take it out for no reason!"

For the life of me, I can't figure out what made Rachel get so catty with Kalia in the first place since she poses no alpha female threat. Kalia's not much better looking than she is, nor is she even a half way decent game player. I guess it must have been because Kalia's black...meaning Rachel's either prejudiced or just jealous of Kalia for having the bigger dick.

Jeff and Jordan attempted to strike a deal to avoid being nominated by offering Daniele a one week truce in return. Brendon and Rachel also went to Daniele's room to "apologize," which did little to make amends with Daniele. You know things did not end well on the old "you can trust us train" when their conversation ended with Brendon saying, "This isn't an awkward hug, this is a real hug." Somehow I almost think that I believe Brendon in some distorted way, as I think he's had more than his fair share of "awkward hugs" throughout the years from priests, his estranged father, Louie Anderson, and youth hockey coaches.

After Daniele nominated Rachel and Brendon for eviction, Brendon attempted to console Rachel by saying, "You have big things in here (not so ironically pointing to her fake boobs before correcting himself), well, it's actually lower. It's right behind your mediastinum. You know I know that because I'm a PHD student, right?...I'm going to invent something that's going to help cure cancer, I'm going to patent it and then we'll make money for the rest of our lives." Obviously on board for all the right reasons (meaning multiple plastic surgeries), Rachel cheered up and sniffled, "I want $500,000," just like my six-year old asks for a peanut butter cup whenever he's feeling sad.

When Daniele approached Rachel in order to explain that her nominations were not personal, Rachel challenged her. "It definitely doesn't seem like that. I don't understand the purpose of you saying that it's not personal, yet you come after myself and my fiance." Dani shot back, "Yeah, but you made deals with Dominic and you made deals with me and then went back on it, didn't tell me, told Jeff, and turned them against me." I'm not quite sure if Rachel truly agreed or just realized that she had no power in which to argue, but she actually told Daniele that she was right. Brendon then got jealous of Daniele for being able to put Rachel in her place and stabbed her with a POV symbol (kidding, just kidding)

The Power of Veto Competition consisted of a combination of prior games, only the houseguests had to blindly bid on who could complete each game the fastest. The person guessing the lowest time would have to complete that task in that time frame that they bid in order to avoid being eliminated, with the person who bid the slowest time subject to being eliminated in the event that the player completed their task in the bid upon time. In the finals, Brendon dramatically sank a mini-golf putt with only a second or two left in order to earn the POV that he and Rachel so badly craved.

For some reason Brendon elected not to tell the house that he was going to use the POV on Rachel instead of himself, or as he tried to explain, "Daniele, you spent all week building this beautiful house of cards, and what did I do? I just took one little flick at one card and it all came tumbling down." That was brilliant strategy by Brendon...aside from the fact that taking Rachel off the block instead of himself played exactly into Daniele's plans to put Jordan up as a "pawn" nominee, knowing full well that the house would never vote to send Jordan home over Brendon.

Even though she gushed, "I feel like a fairy tale princess right now" when Brendon used the POV and removed her from the nomination block, Rachel quickly began pouting acting like she was the one being wronged and about to go home. This caused Jeff to complain, "I don't know how I'm going to deal with Rachel when there's no Brendon in this house, she's whining and screaming his name, and every fruit and vegetable that she looks at reminds her of Brendon. I'm going to rip my hair out."

After Porsche confronted Rachel and told her to pull herself together so the rest of the house didn't make her an even bigger target, Rachel stormed off crying. When Brendon asked if he made a mistake by taking himself off the block instead of her, Rachel replied, "Yes, you did. You made a mistake by ever asking me to marry you...I ruin everything...when I get out of the house this summer people are gonna hate me more...I'm not ever going to get a job...I'm not even that smart." All I can say is that she pretty much hit the nail on the head. At least Brendon can't ever complain that she didn't warn him.

In a predictable Eviction Ceremony, Brendon was voted off 5-2, with only Rachel and Porsche voting in his favor. Julie Chen announced a new twist to the game, telling the houseguests to wisely consider their next eviction, as that player will have an opportunity to return to the game. What she didn't tell them is that all of the first four houseguests who had been voted out had been sequestered and would have a chance to play their way back into the house based upon an "America's vote," which means that I still have another chance of hearing Cassi's sweet, sweet southern voice one more time.

In yet another predictable outcome to a "must win" HOH Competition, Kalia prevailed, which will give Daniele and herself at least one more week to build new alliance members and re-establish themselves in the game.

Big Brother 13 Power Ratings - Each week I rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after week 4:

9. Rachel - I just noticed this week that Rachel's profession is listed as an "Event Hostess." Apparently that's the new politically correct term for a "Vegas Madam." Either that or she's seating customers for the strip club/buffet at Treasures in Las Vegas. In any event, with Brendon gone Rachel's time in the house is all but over. I'm not saying she won't win another HOH and stick around for a few weeks for the sake of better ratings per the mandate of CBS executives, but I am willing to bet she has little or no chance of winning.

If Heidi Fleiss and Kathy Griffin were ever to breed, the spawn of that unholy union would be Rachel Reilly. Seriously, these photos cascaded  like a food pyramid of disgusting thoughts.

8. Porsche - During the HOH Competition Porsche complained, "My pain is not in my armpits like the other couple girls, it's more in my shoulder right here (as she pointed to her elbow). Interestingly, when Porsche wants to get her girl parts checked, she schedules an appointment with her chiropractor. Fortunately, Porsche seems to be equally oblivious to the fact that she will soon be going home now that the Rachel/Brendon alliance that she hand-cuffed herself to has been broken up.

7. Shelly - For some reason Shelly is fighting to preserve what is at best the fourth spot in a five person alliance (along with Jeff, Jordan, Rachel and Porsche), when she could instead team with Daniele and the rest of the "Newbies" and have equal numbers and a better shot of sticking around until the end of the game. Then again, you get what you pay for when your college degree is a B.S. in Hunting Hospitality from Eastern Kentucky University.

6. Adam - The more I listen to him, the more Adam sounds like Adam Richman of Man vs. Food on the
Travel Channel. It guess it must be a New York-New Jersey/Adam/Jewish thing. Adam is doing as good of a job as one can playing both sides without getting called on it to this point, but sooner or later he needs to make a power move.

5. Lawon - "This boy right here, Lawon, I ain't never skied before! So you know I was like, uh-oh, because I am a competitor!" While I don't quite know what the hell Lawon was trying to say here, I'm pretty sure that if he ends up winning Big Brother, it'll be because of the help that he unknowingly received from the cat in Hong Kong Phooey.   

...because Lawon sounds like a slightly gayer and cracked-out version of Scatman Crothers' voice-over for Hong Kong Phooey.

4. Jeff - Jeff remains strong in this game. He gave up very little in making a deal with Daniele, and still seems shrewd enough to break his word and stab her in the back next week if given the opportunity. On top of that, he came up with the best one-liner of the week in response to Adam having to wear an elf costume as a punishment following his elimination from the HOH Competition. "In all of the pictures I had in my head of elves as the North Pole as a little kid, none of them chain smoked."

Sadly, this is what happens to unmotivated elves during a lockout...I just hope that Adam doesn't tear his achilles in his first competition after a new CBA is reached.

3. Jordan - You all know that I'm hoping that Cassi gets a chance to come back (actually I'm still hoping that Annie Whittington is still in the mix to return as was once rumored last season), as I think she could pair up with Jordan, Jeff and Shelly and make a big run.

She may have only lasted one week last year, but Annie is still my all-time favorite Big Brother contestant.

2. Kalia - Upon evicting Brendon from the house, Kalia proudly left a message for him stating, "There are a lot of things easier than rocket science, apparently getting you out of the house is one of them." With quotes like that I was going to say that Kalia should keep her day job, but then I remembered that she writes for a which case she should probably quit her day job. I've probably rated her too high here, but Kalia's in power this week as the new HOH, and this game could still go either way if some of the "Newbies" unite and turn against the "Veterans" in order to try and protect themselves. 

1. Daniele - In the last three weeks Daniele has gone from first, to worst, and back to first again in my power rankings. In addition to regaining control of the house last week, it looks as if she will be maintaining that control to some degree with Kalia winning HOH this week. Seriously, if I was Daniele I would get t-shirts made up with the picture below of her estranged father "Evel Dick" on the front, and the phrase "BUT YOU CAN SUCK IT!" on the back.

The not-so Evil Dick.


  1. #1 Gratuitous male nudity? Why?

    #2 The Hong Kong Phooey comparison was incredible. Mucho props for that one...

  2. Shelly gets mad if all my pictures are of girls with perky "headlights," so I had to throw her a "bone" so to speak. Plus, "Evel Dick" just looked so damn happy in that picture that I had to post it just for you...he must have just got done thinking about Daniele.

  3. Tell Shelly to stop turning you gay, please...