Saturday, July 16, 2011

BBB13 (Blogging Big Brother 13) - Rachel's not the Vegas party girl anymore, she's practically my wife"

Click here to get the most up to date Blogging Big Brother 13 posts
Of the eight new players in the game who vowed to stick together, Dominic recruited Keith, Lawon and Cassi to form a side alliance for a block of votes to protect themselves in the event any of them were nominated and had to go up against their partners for eviction. Keith, clearly having uttered this phrase before, demanded that they "KEEP THAT...ON THE LOW!" He then inexplicably came up with "The Regulators" as the name for their alliance. Personally, I thought the perfect name would have been "The Down Low," especially with Keith and Lawon in the group. As a close second I would have gone with "The Brand Nubians," but then again, that's just me.

At the Have/ Have Not Competition the contestants dressed up in absorbent cow suits and soaked up liquid as their teammates attempted to "milk" them the fastest. Keith saw an opportunity, and wasted no time putting Dominic in an "Evil Dick."

Keith may be a self proclaimed ladies man from Chi-town, but he had no problem taking Dominic to pound town.

Shelly proclaimed, " I felt like I was in a women's prison fight, instead of dripping blood, I was dripping milk. As it turned out, Shelly, Cassi, Lawon and Kalia wound up as "Have-Nots," and got stuck eating slop and sleeping in an asylum style bedroom where the lights remained on for the entire week.

In a shocking development, "Evel Dick" was called to the diary room and did not return to the house. Despite initial speculation that "Evel Dick" had contracted incurable genital herpes on his forehead after going ass to face with his daughter Daniele in the first Head of Household Competition, he ultimately released a statement indicating that he and his immediate family were safe and in good health. He later stated via a video on his website that it was a close friend who had some sort of undisclosed emergency that he had to attend to. Rumors still exist that this was a calculated move to catapult his daughter Daniele further into the game, but at this point there are no clear answers to exactly why he left, just "Evel Dick's" rather vague and self promoting official statement.

Having already won Big Brother 8, was "Evel Dick's" departure just a publicity stunt?

While they outnumbered the "Dynamic Duos" who returned to the show, the "Newbies" began to fragment, as Porsche happily jumped at the opportunity to dump her alliance and play alongside the veterans. Despite having the support of his newly formed side alliance, Keith alienated himself from the other "Newbies" when he inexplicably attacked Kalia for being loyal to the "Dynamic Duos."

In one of the dumber moves in Big Brother history, Keith threw the Power of Veto Challenge, as did Porsche, although she did so knowing that she had the backing of the "Dynamic Duos." Brendon and Rachel won the Power of Veto and decided to keep Rachel's initial nominations in tact. This lead to Keith being eliminated by a 6-4 vote, with Jordan, Jeff, Daniele, Brendon, Kalia and Shelly all voting against him. Shocked that he had thrown the Power of Veto Challenge, Julie Chen asked Keith on his way out of the house if he had ever watched the game before. When Keith responded that he had, Julie playfully asked, "Are you sure?"

Following the eviction ceremony, the housemates played a game of closest to the pin miniature golf to determine the next Head of Household. Jordan ended up winning, thereby preserving the "Dymanic Duos" position of power in the game for at least another week.

Big Brother 13 Power Ratings - Each week I rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after week 1:

12. Dominic - Dominic totally got man raped by Keith during the Have/ Have Not Competition. His official response, "I didn't like it too much, but eating the food made it all better." Well, alrighty then! As the leader of "The Regulators," and with the veterans in control after having won yet another Head of Household Competition, Dominic could very well find himself on the chopping block this week.

11. Lawon - In reference to the possibility of winning the "Big Brother Golden Key" Lawon proclaimed, "The Golden Key, I feel like Charlie at the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory." While he may not have the Golden Key, and I'm not sure about the Wonka; I'm pretty certain that Lawon is no stranger to the Willy, and this definitely wasn't his first trip to the "chocolate factory."

10. Cassi - This girl is incredibly hot, and she still hasn't even started losing weight yet. Oh wait, that's Survivor. Unfortunately she's already been violated by an actor in Aaron Eckhart, a Jason Aldean wanna be country singer in Lee Brice, a hockey player, and possibly even a star NFL player.  Anyways, Cassi hit the nail on the head when she said that Keith "came in here to play the Dating Game, and this is the Big Brother game." I just hope that he at least buys Dominic dinner after the show is over.

Bonus points if you can tell which one Jason Aldean is and which one is Lee Brice, with "bonus points" meaning  please don't ever return to my blog.

9. Kalia - She just seems like a waste of space on the show. Sadly, I'd almost rather have one of the all-time Big Brother DB's like Mike Boogie or Jesse on the show instead of her unless she picks her game and personality up real quick.

8. Adam - The "Dynamic Duos" seem to think that Adam is playing on their side even though he didn't vote with them in this week's secret vote at the Eviction Ceremony. Later, the "Heavy Metal Teddy Bear" was asked who his favorite Beverly Hills 90210 character was in response to a viewer submitted question. Without hesitation Adam bellowed out, "DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES!!!" three times, each time louder and more Satanic than the prior. In related news, Tori Spelling applied for a restraining order against Adam with the LAPD... while her mom filed an objection against that request on Adam's behalf.

7. Shelly - Aside from Porsche, Shelly seems to have the best rapport of all the "Newbies" with the "Dynamic Duos." In trying to describe the Have/ Have Not Competition where the housemates tried to soak up and run with milk while wearing absorbent cow suits, Shelly said, "you're carrying 60-70 pounds of milk, and your body's just not used to that." Strangely, that's exactly what the chiropractor said about Rachel in her medical records, only he used the term silicon instead of milk.

6. Porsche - Obviously used to being the prettiest girl in the room, Porsche clearly seems threatened by  Cassi's presence in the house. She's resorted to passive aggressive comments like, "She just seems fake to me." Porsche also had a shirt made up that says, "You can look, but you can't touch" that she read to Keith after his eviction.You just know that Porsche was waiting to break that shirt out regardless of who the first male eviction was, and she's so full of herself that she didn't even realize that  Keith was not so secretly gay.

5. Rachel - Speaking of full of herself, Rachel declared, "You have a hot beautiful fiance who's in love with with you - who calls you 'Bookie,'" in response to Brendon becomming upset with her for "emasculating" him by continually calling him by her pet name for him in front of the housemates. To Brendon's credit, she told him that she loved him three times before he bothered to reciprocate, which is a 180 degree role reversal from their relationship last summer on Big Brother 12. I'm really Brendon for growing a pair of nuts...they're not as big as Rachel's, but I'm still proud of him.

4. Brendon - In yet another sign of their incompatibility, Brendon became upset with Rachel's late night theatrics in the house when he whined, "Rachel's not the Vegas party girl anymore, she's practically my wife." If the poor dude would just listen to himself say that statement out loud I think he would have all the information he needs to decide against moving forward in that relationship. Brendon doesn't realize that you go to Vegas to find strippers, not wives. But as strip club economics goes, by agreeing to a dance with...I mean marry Rachel, he'll be getting a two-for-one...and possibly a free t-shirt. Unless Brendon wises up pretty soon I'm beginning to see a reality spin-off in our near future - Rachel and Brendon's Vegas Wedding, with the cliff-hanger focussing on the couple anxiously waiting on the results of Rachel's HIV test.

3. Daniele - One of the better moments this week occurred after "Evel Dick" left the house and host Julie Chen interviewed Daniele following his taped message to the housemates letting them know that he was alright. Julie asked Daniele, "No I love you?" A startled Daniele replied, "Oh my gosh, that's so awkward! Obviously I do love my father, he's my biological father and he brought me here...this is sooo awkward!" Let's just say that when your daughter refers to you as her "biological father," it's pretty much equivalent to the girl you like calling you her "friend."

2. Jordan - So, last week as I was trying to figure out Jordan and Jeff's relationship, I came to the conclusion that she must not fart, as that would be the only logical way that he would put up with somebody so completely clueless. Then, just minutes into the week's second episode, Jordan ripped a big fart on camera as she and Jeff were laying in beg together and then started laughing about it...I just don't get it.

1. Jeff - I know Jordan won Big Brother the last time they played, but Jeff is like the guy that drops his career to care for his senile grandmother. This guy simply deserves to win this game regardless of his strategy, his social game, or whether or not his girlfriend previously won the $500,000...wait a minute, I think I just figured out why he puts up with her.

Awkward Search Result of the Week that Brought a Web Surfer to my Blog: "A reason to live w/small penis," from San Jose, CA. Sadly, I think I'm more embarrassed that this guy wound up on my site based on his key word search than he was for having typed it.


  1. Have you forgotten that Jordan is super freakin' hot? Why wouldn't that dude be all over it?

  2. Jordan's a walking paradox Gerald. She's one of the those girls who's actually a little hotter than she really is because she's dumb, but then she's SO dumb it ends up taking away from her hotness. She's a living, breathing, farting vicious circle.