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It's amazing how the reality television genre has shifted heavily towards American Idol themed talent contests, when just a few years ago I could look forward to a number trashy social interaction classics like Paradise Hotel and Temptation Island in addition to Big Brother. Now I'm stuck with summer shows like Expedition Impossible to satisfy my reality thirst, or as I like to call it, "The Not So Amazing Race." Hell, I would even settle for Rock of Love - Cycle 16.0 had it not been for Brett Michaels' untimely death, which in turn caused VH-1 to cancel all reality shows involving white people who did not get grandfathered in through Flavor of Love or one of it's various spin-offs.
This season's theme for Big Brother is "Double Trouble," where eight new house guests have to pair up with one another as partners instead of competing as individuals. They will then be forced to compete along with three "dynamic duo's" that are made up of former "Big Brother" contestants. Another twist is that the two housemates up for eviction each week will be teammates, although each of the nominees that survive the eviction ceremonies in weeks 1-4 will receive a "Big Brother Golden Key" and automatically advance to the final 10.
My immediate impression of the format? Choose your partner wisely, as the person that you think is your ideal running mate could end up throwing you under the bus at the first sign of trouble. In fact, they should have called this year's twist the "Sarah Palin Project."
The new cast mates were immediately asked to pair up. Keith - an ultra-religious but self proclaimed ladies man from Illinois, immediately stood up and asked Porsche - a VIP cocktail waitress from South Beach, to be his partner. She awkwardly accepted.
Shelly - a hunting and fishing outdoor experience executive from Louisiana, and Cassi - a tomboy model from Nashville who likes to fish, quickly formed a bond over their love of killing animals and men.
Adam - a huge bald guy from New Jersey who loves heavy metal almost as much as he likes Beverly Hills 90210, asked to partner with Dominic - a 25 year old "model" from California, who likes to ride his street motorcycle through suburban strip malls really fast in order to overcompensate for: a) still living with his mom, b) still being a virgin, c) his really small penis, or d) all of the above.
Finally, Kalia - a relationship blogger who is essentially the African-American version of Carrie from Sex in the City, expressed disappointment over winding up with Lawon - a flamboyant legal clerk from Los Angeles, whom she feels will disrupt her game strategy to lay low. Apparently his game strategy consists of staying on the "not so down low."
The returning couples were then introduced, with last season's most dysfunctional couple Brendon and Rachel entering the house first -suprise - as an engaged couple! As Dominic described, "'Brachel" is a beast of a couple, it is a male named Brendon and a female named Rachel." Unfortunately, Rachel's penis took exception with that statement and totally devoured Dominic, so he is now off the show. The next announcement was for Jordan - the cognitively challenged winner of Big Brother 11 who makes Ms. South Carolina look smart, and Jeff - the boyfriend who has dated her since they appeared on the show together. Last but not least, Big Brother 8 winner "Evel Dick" returned with his smoking hot, but once again estranged daughter, Daniele.
I was disappointed to see that Big Brother did not make any effort to amp-up their competitions for this season, as the Head of Household contest simply required the contestants to hold onto a giant hanging banana that was occasionally slathered with chocolate and whipped cream longer than any of their opponents. Sure this was a springboard for a few disgusting comments from Hepatitis-C positive and eventual HOH winner Rachel such as, "I spend most of my time on bananas...and then you get shot with whipped cream on the face," but I'm pretty sure she still would have uttered that exact same quote had the contest involved reciting bible verses or doing NASCAR drivers.
Big Brother 13 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Episode 1:
14. Rachel - As Head of Household Rachel is safe this week, but that also guarantees that she will be eligible to be nominated for eviction next week. We also have no idea which duo that she might be thinking of targeting at this early point in the game. So over the long term, and given that her housemates and the rest of America find her personality to be as annoying as she finds it when her penis accidentally grinds against Brendon's when they are having sex, she's a sure bet to leave the house relatively early (assuming you don't believe in conspiracy theories that may allow her to stick around for a few weeks as a villain in order to increase ratings for CBS).
13. Brendon - With Rachel winning Head of Household he's also going to be safe this week. However, the returning contestants will definitely be targeted in future weeks by the new house guests given that they are outnumbered 8-6, and Brendon simply isn't all that likable so long as he's affiliated with Rachel. I'm just surprised that Brendon and Rachel announced that they are now engaged given that: a) she repeatedly emasculated him on camera last season in spite of his repeated proclamations of love, and b) Brendon actually got busted for cheating on RACHEL when she discovered that he was sending pictures of his junk to some random girl over the internet triggering this classic video apology!
12. Daniele - Talk about a hot girl with daddy issues, I really need to meet this Daniele chick! You would probably think I was kidding if I said that she wrapped her legs around a giant banana with her partially exposed ass just inches above the face of a guy who calls himself "Evel Dick" in the first episode tonight. Did I forget to mention that "Evel Dick" also just happens to be her estranged father? Daniele might not last long on Big Brother 13, but I'm absolutely certain that she's good in bed.
11. Evel Dick - Okay, I'm only going to be nice here because the near rape that took place between "Evel Dick" and his daughter during tonight's HOH competition was simply better than any verbal jab I could ever dream up. Let's just say that from this day forward, whenever a father puts his daughter in a sexually compromising position, I'm going to refer to it as "putting her in the Evil Dick." For example - during her murder trial, Casey Anthony's attorney alleged that her father repeatedly put her in the "Evil Dick" when she was a child.
10. Jordan - As a former Big Brother winner, no mentally challenged person has had a bigger target on their back in a reality show since Chris Burke appeared with Tonya Harding as his partner on Skating with the Stars...that is, not counting all of the times that Kenny has been on any of the Real World/Road Rule Challenges.
9. Jeff - He seems like a nice enough guy and all, but he has to be praying like hell that Jordan doesn't mention anything about them having sex for fear of getting charged with statutory rape for having intercourse with a retard. I particularly liked the part in tonight's episode where he was able to explain to her that a year is actually more than 9 months long without even getting angry or annoyed with her in even the slightest way.
8. Porsche - Doomed to be a VIP cocktail waitress in a douche magnet town like South Beach from the moment her parents admittedly named her after a douchey sports car. Porsche proudly proclaimed after twirling in her mini-skirt for a fellow housemate, "you probably just saw my bottom! One of my best features is my personality...the doctors did help a little bit."
|Is Porsche really all that hot? Not really, but I'm only saying that because my girlfriend is probably going to read this.|
6. Adam - The self proclaimed "Heavy Metal Teddy Bear" has already demonstrated an annoying propensity to grunt out a satanic like "HO!" whenever he gets the chance. He has also proudly proclaimed an affinity for the television show Beverly Hills 90210. It's almost as if Adam is the love spawn of an affair gone bad between WWF legend Jim "Hacksaw" Duggan the heavy metal band Electric Hellfire Club, only the Electric Hellfire Club clearly prefers them some Charles in Charge over that weak ass 90210 shit.
The Electric Hellfire Club and Nancy Grace were quite pleased when the Rapture did not come on May 21, 2011
5. Lawon - Has anyone ever faked being gay just to get on a reality show? Maybe it's just a hunch, but Lawon's almost too flamboyant. Call me skeptical.
4. Kalia - She's definitely going to fly under the radar for a little while, but I'm still trying to figure out how an ugly sex writer ended up on the show.
3. Shelly - This country girl is all business. I would keep her around for the sole reason that there is an outside chance that she ends up doing it with Cassi (and fuck you for judging, I am a guy after all...).
2. Dominic - What can I say, girls love douchey guys who like to wear wife-beaters and drive Camaros or ride street bikes. Dominic is hoping to win Big Brother 13 so he can use the money to buy a new Ninja 1000. Why? Because Kawasaki lets the good times roll - bitches!
1. Cassi - Alright, she must be hot, because not only am I putting her at the top spot pretty much just because of her looks, but I'm also overlooking the fact that she's a complete and total redneck. Seriously, if I saw a bio like hers on a site like Match.com and it said that she likes to fish, hunt and go muddin' I'd like to say that I'd automatically rule her out...but then I looked at her pictures and she totally became datable!