Monday, August 23, 2010

BBB12 (Blogging Big Brother 12) - "I'm back bitches!" (silicon, nasty hair extensions, with just a shot of chin acne)

So last week someone from Pikeville, TN arrived at my last BBB post from the Google search, "eleven year old girls budding nipples photos." Even more disturbing, that person liked my blog enough to to click on a couple of my other posts before drifting back into cyberspace in his quest for prepubescent boobs. Needless to say I immediately edited my post from last week to take out my reference to the word "nipples," even though it only referred to Matt's propensity to wear a zipped down hoodie with no t-shirt underneath. In any event, congratulations to The Red Mieni for hitting a new low. WOOO - TEQUILA!

Last week Lane and Ragan were nominated by Brendon for eviction. Ragan won the Power of Veto, and Brendon confidently replaced him on the nomination block with Matt. For all intents and purposes Hayden and Enzo informed Matt that they were going to vote him out in favor of Lane not knowing that he was safe by virtue of holding the secret Diamond Power of Veto, which pretty much dissolved the Brigade alliance. Being able to save himself from the nomination block AND choose his replacement Matt put up Kathy, who went home in a unanimous vote. By staying in the house Ragan successfully completed his stint as the Saboteur and won $20,000. Britney won Head of Household and promptly broke her promise to Brendon from the previous week by putting him up for nomination along with Enzo.

The real highlight of the week was the aftermath of Brendon opening Pandora's Box. Brendon thought he was receiving a 24 hour trip out of the Big Brother House to spend time with evicted girlfriend Rachel, when in actuality she was sent back into the house to stir things up while he was spending a romantic night alone (which would have been Lane's dream date). Rachel, thinking she would be the one making life difficult for the housemates who evicted her, stormed into the house by shouting "HA, HA, HA, I'M BACK BITCHES!...SOMEBODY OPENED PANDORA'S BOX AND NOW YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH ME FOR 24 HOURS!"

Rachel then decided to verbally harass Ragan, which turned out to be one of the worst ideas since Robin Ventura decided to charge the mound against Nolan Ryan. While Rachel instigated the confrontation, Ragan gave her a chance to back off by calmly asking her to leave him alone. He then proceeded to rip her a new one when she refused to do so. Not only was Ragan's verbal undressing of Rachel was one of the great moments in the history of reality television, but it clearly stripped her of any last bit of self esteem that she may have retained after years of whoring herself out to guys who take Vin Diesel movies just a little too seriously.

Big Brother 12 Power Ratings - Each week I rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after week 6:

7. Brendon - (previously #6) Brendon on Britney putting him up for nomination, "There will be dire consequences. I promise I will put her up next week and I will send her home." Ummm...not unless you win Power of Veto to save yourself from going home this week, win Head of Household next week, AND convince three of the other five housemates who currently hate you to vote in favor of your personal vendetta. Brendon, it was nice knowing you buddy. At least in the Jury House there is an outside chance that Rachel will let you have some visitation time with your nuts.

6. Enzo - (previously #1) With Matt leaving the Brigade the game is wide open. While the obvious choice for the house would be to use Enzo as a pawn and send Brendon home, Enzo could be in danger if Matt, Ragan and Britney align. While Hayden and Lane will obviously vote to keep Enzo, Matt and Ragan could vote to keep Brendon, who at this point is powerless in the house. In that case there would be a tie vote, and as Head of Household Britney would control the deciding vote and possibly send Enzo home, thereby shifting the balance of power in the house.

5. Matt - (previously #3) It looks like Matt has officially bailed on the Brigade. If he doesn't make amends with Hayden and Enzo (who told him they were going to evict him before they learned he had the secret Diamond Power of Veto), he needs to pull Ragan and Britney together pronto. Leaving Enzo in the house while he has the opportunity to evict him this week could be a big mistake for Matt. Let's see if the self proclaimed Diabolical Super Genius can figure this one out.

4. Ragan - (previously # 8) Here are some of the highlights from the Rachel's attempt to verbally attack Ragan upon her re-entry to the house for 24 hours last week:

Rachel: "I'm in the jury so you have to be nice to me."
Ragan: "No, I don't"
Rachel: "Yeah, you do."
Ragan: "I would take it as an honor if you didn't vote for me if I was in the final three, and I'm not shocked (on Rachel's temporary return to the house), I'm disgusted."

Ragan: "Why don't you get us a drink Ra-tress."
Rachel: (with her man jaw agape) "Ra-tress? Are you kidding me right now?" Do you have to be the biggest bitch because you're gay?"
Ragan: No Rachel, I'm not a big bitch because I'm gay, I'm a big bitch because you're an absolute monster."

Ragan: "Everything about you is a lie. Your boobs are a lie, your face is a lie. The only thing honest about you is the pimples on your chin."

Ragan: "You're here for a limited time because your boyfriend opened Pandora's Box and unleashed something horrible on the house."

Ragan: "Talking to you is like talking to the most vile devil child in the world and I'm done with it baby, because I'm done with you, because your game in this house is over."

I'm not exactly sure if it was a tear or semen running off of Rachel's slack jawed chin as she was left unable to respond to Ragan's verbal tsunami, but either way it was a beautiful way to remember her as she left the house. RIP bitch.

3. Lane - (previously #2) Lane could just as easily be number 5 this week with the balance of power in the Big Brother House in flux. At this point it is clear that Lane has a crush on Britney. He even made the comment, "Britney looked absolutely banging. If she was at a bar I would quickly find her, knock her boyfriend out, and buy her a drink." Note to Lane - you are one of seven people stuck in a house with Britney, her fiance is not one of them, and the drinks are presumably free. Bench pressing your weight and beating dudes up is awesome and all, but don't lose sight of the forest through the trees big man.

2. Britney - (previously #7) As Head of Household she's safe for this week, which is better than anyone else can say until the house realigns after the demise of the Brigade. Big Brother went as far as to interview Britney and Lane's mothers about their "relationship." Strangely, Britney's mom indicated that she would support her daughter no matter what her choice was, which is not exactly a vote of confidence for Britney's fiance given that her daughter has shown no sign whatsoever of having any interest in Lane beyond a platonic friendship. On the other hand, Lane's mom indicated that while she liked Britney, she still fully supports Lane's pre-existing relationship with his hand (and no, I'm not letting that one die anytime soon - especially so long as Lane continues to have a crush on Britney).

1. Hayden - (previously #2) Even without Matt the remaining Brigade members still hold the strongest alliance in the house. Unfortunately, Enzo is up for eviction and won't be eligible to vote this week unless he wins the Power of Veto. Even if Enzo gets voted out I can see the alliance formerly known as the Brigade bringing Brendon into the mix since his biggest issues thus far have been with Matt, Britney and Ragan.

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