Monday, October 19, 2009

Why Steelers Fans Suck

There are certain unwritten rules that must be observed when watching football in a sports bar so as to avoid potential conflict and ridicule.

Unfortunately, on the way to watching their team possibly become the best franchise in the NFL, Steeler fans seem to be completely unaware of this applicable code of etiquette and fashion for football fans.

Here is a list of some rules that every Steeler fan needs to familiarize himself with:

1. Loud cheers are acceptable for touchdowns, important first downs, big stops, big hits and turnovers. It is not appropriate to yell or clap loudly in a sports bar when the Steelers run for 3 yards on first down, or when they get a first down in the second half while leading 31-6. 

Pittsburgh fans also need to be aware of the fact that not everybody in the bar is cheering for the Steelers. So every time you're not in Pittsburgh, and you turn to the table next to you looking for a high five, alert yourself to the fact that you are just as likely to get punched in the face by a Bengals, Browns or Ravens fan.

2. No man should feel the need to bring an accessory to a sports bar. If you feel like you need a hanky to bring the Steelers good luck, then stuff it down your pants.

We don't need to see you obsessively folding your stupid fucking Terrible Towels or draping them over the side of your table like they're more sacred than the Shroud of Turin.

Sorry Steeler guy, if you bring something to a bar that serves no functional purpose, it's an accessory 

3. Willie Parker has lost a step. He is no longer fact, he might be dead. Please stop yelling "Fast Willie" every time he touches the ball.

4. Lose the "mustaches con queso" (cheesy mustaches). Just because you thought that Bill Cowher had a bitchin' mustache it doesn't mean that it is cool to rock one of your own.

Keep in mind that transitioning to a goatee won't help either, as the goatee is equally dated as the "porn stache" of the new millenium.

5. Many people will say that you shouldn't wear a jersey in public to begin with if you are over the age of 30. However, if you do feel the need to wear a jersey to the bar, it should NEVER, EVER be tucked in. It is a proven statistical fact that Pittsburgh fans lead the league in tucked in jerseys.

Worse yet, Pittsburgh fans are afficianados de tucking their jerseys into jean shorts, and for those few Steeler fans who actually reside in Pennsylvania, jean shorts have not been an acceptable fashion option for guys since 1997.

A Terrible Towel, a goatee and a Big Ben jersey tucked into black and gold Zubaz style pants?...Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you the protypical Steeler fan!  (fat wife included)

6. If you are a Steeler fan and you are not from Pennsylvania or West Virginia, or if you do not have family from those areas that raised you as a Steeler fan, and if you have no idea what a "jagoff" is, then you really have no right to cheer out loud for the Steelers as if they are your local team.

I'm not saying that you can't like the Steelers, you just can't wear your emotions on your sleeve since your only investment in that team was choosing to root for a team that was good while you were growing up without a father to teach you right from wrong in: a) the mid to late 1970's, b) the mid to late 1990's, or c) the mid to late 2000's.

I'm willing to bet that this Steeler fan that I recently spotted in Kentucky wearing a camouflage Ben Roethlisberger jersey has no ties to the Pittsburgh area...He just really likes hunting and raping women.

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