Monday, June 30, 2014

Blogging Big Brother 16 - "You're the most Broadway person I've ever seen!"

The season of Big Brother 16 began with host Connie Chung introducing several twists.

The first of which, and most importantly, was that neither Rachel Reilly, nor anybody related to her by blood, marriage or sexually transmitted disease made it on to this year's show.

Although I'm not officially ruling Paola Shea,a/k/a "Pow Pow," out from being Rachel's "Eskimo sister."

Other twists included the announcement that there would be two Head of Households selected each week, neither of whom would necessarily be safe from eviction.

Specifically, a new type of challenge called the Battle of the Block will put the two nominees of each HOH up against one another.

The winners of that competition would then get to remove themselves from the block, and in the process, make the losing HOH eligible to be back-doored as a replacement nominee.

Finally, America is going to get a say in who gets to perform secret missions for possible cash prizes as part of "Team America."

Sadly, America will not be able to vote for Rachel Reilly's sister, Elissa Slater, to win any more money in addition to what she has been gold digging from her rich, and much older, Canadian husband like they did last year. 

Only eight contestants were introduced in the first episode, allowing them to bond before the remaining eight entered the house. 

Joey proclaimed that the only people that she would have problems with are high maintenance girls, which would seem to automatically put her at odds with Paola, the whore DJ from New York.

Paola Shea's ass: Then again, you can't be all that high maintenance when you don't have any clothes to put on.

Joey did seem to form an instant bond with the flamboyant and pink haired, Frankie, who had visions of ponies, rainbows, and camaros.

"I see Joey, she has this crazy amazing blue hair, and I was like, I'm the pink Lil' Pony, and you're the blue Lil' Pony, all we need is the camo Lil' Pony."

The last part was a joke in reference to Donny, the camouflage wearing janitor from North Carolina who at one point said, "I'm not whistlin' just to be whistlin', I'm whistlin' to distract them,"  as he tried to entertain the house by making bird and insect noises.

I can't tell if Donny Thompson is one of the "Soggy Bottom Boys" or a slightly retarded Duck Dynasty reject. 

In addition to Frankie, Joey gained a fan in Devin, who expressed a sexual interest in her, calling her a "10."

After the original eight house guests formed an alliance that they called "The Crazy Eights," the four girls made a secret sub-alliance that the called "El Cuatro."

That seemed to confuse Nicole who said, "I'm all about girl power, but what does "El Cuatro mean?"

The seasons' first HOH competition was an endurance contest that involved hanging on to a rope and walking on a rotating beam without falling off.

Paola took a break from competing to say, "I can't help but look at Cody's delicious abs."

And by abs, Paola meant Cody Calafiori's pubes.

With many of the contestants seemingly throwing the HOH Competition, Frankie won the first HOH, not yet realizing this year's twist where he wouldn't necessarily be safe from eviction, or even that there would ultimately be another HOH.

Meanwhile, Joey was voted the first member of "Team America," and she accepted that challenge.

As the remaining eight players entered the house in the season's second episode, Frankie seemed to strike up a rivalry with Caleb, shooting out a passive aggressive glance when Caleb introduced himself as a 'hunting adventure guide from a small town in Kentucky."

However, Frankie did immediately strike up a friendship with Victoria, who seemed over eager to become his hag.

Since the worth of a gay man is inversely proportionate to the beauty of his hag, I'm pretty sure that Frankie Grande can do worse than Victoria Rafaeli.

Zach did his best to impersonate the homophobic Big Brother All-Star, Jeff Schroeder after Frankie told the house that he had been in Mama Mia!

Zach not only asked what Mama Mia! was, but after learning that it was a Broadway play, he blurted out, "You're the most Broadway person I've ever seen!" ...Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The second HOH had the final eight contestants straddling a rotating pole. Unfortunately, Paola didn't get to play.

Some of the contestants like Brittany seemed less concerned with winning HOH than how they looked, as she yelled out, "How's our butts look?"

Fortunately, somebody yelled back, "It's a rotating nice butt rotisserie, which apparently made her happy.

Caleb seemed to underestimate his competition, saying, "I got this little 21-year-old skater boy who looks like he couldn't hurt a fly hangin' on."

Of course, as an ex-college hockey player, Hayden could probably beat Caleb's ass to a pulp.

Caleb did end up hanging on the longest, but with perhaps some new found respect, he told Hayden that he would be safe since he was so strong in finishing in second place.

Of course, Caleb won before Connie Chung informed Caleb and Frankie that with two HOH's that neither was necessarily safe from elimination, which lead to a little more tension between the two polar opposites, Frankie and Caleb...I'm just hoping that they have to share a room!

Big Brother 16 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after the first week.

16. Jocasta Odom - I'm pretty sure I heard the ultra religious, ultra bitchy Jocasta say, "I've done a lot of things, I've done a lot of people, men, women. My past is my past," possibly making her the biggest religious whore since Jim Baker. 

15. Caleb Reynolds - Calling himself a "metro-sexual cowboy," if Caleb's cockiness doesn't get the best of him, Paola's STD's will.

I had no idea that "metro-sexual cowboy" meant "really bad stripper persona." Plus, the idea of "The Naked Cowboy" has already been trademarked.

14. Donny Thompson - Upon learning that he was selected for Big Brother 16, Donny said, "I gotta pack my jeans. This is my fancy clothes. This is what I wear to church, I don't have any fancy britches."

13. Brittany Martinez - Recently divorced with three kids, Brittany claims that she's not going to hook up in the house...Let's see how that plays out.

12. Derrick Levasseur - Missing his wife and kids, Derrick immediately befriended Brittany under the guise of bonding over missing their family...Does anyone else smell smoke?

11. Christine Brecht - Does anybody else think that Christine might be Mike Boogie's daughter?

If you check out the beaks and specs on Mike Boogie and Christina Brecht, they seem to have a lot in common.

10. Nicole Franzel - Nicole might be a little bit overwhelmed in the house.

Or as she said, "I am a Big Brother super fan...I'm in the house, and all I keep thinking is Nicole, don't pee your pants. Sometimes that happens if I laugh too hard." Sounds like someone needs to do her Kegel's.

9. Devin Shepherd - Devin needs a little help in this game. Devin likes Joey. Joey is white. Joey is a little on the thick side...You do the math.

8. Paola Shea - This aging soft core porn model has shifted her attention to being a DJ in the real world. In the Big Brother house, she seems to have a bit of an overinflated view of herself.

Or as Paola said, "In the real world, I can get any guy that I want, but in the Big Brother house, you have to be careful."

She then immediately began flirting with the 23-year-old douche bag Cody, seductively saying, "So, you're like a baby!"

Paola Shea is from New York, and she loves to go topless.

7. Victoria Rafaeli - During the HOH Competition, Victoria screamed, "I'm too pretty to black out," just before she fell and became the first contestant eliminated.

And by "pretty," Victoria Rafaeli meant "high maintenance."

6. Amber Barzotra - Amber was pretty low key in the first two episodes, but I do like that she's in two different alliances and is not the figurehead for either. 

5. Cody Calafiore - This guy is so closet gay, I'll be shocked if he isn't hooking up with Frankie in another few years.

Cody Calafiore: Are you happy to see me, or is that just a sock in your jock? Sadly ladies, it was just a sock.

4. Frankie Grande -While he seemingly has a target on his back as an outgoing personality and early HOH, Frankie say relax!

Frankie Grande, relaxing Big Brother style...

Frankie Grande, Ariana Grande's brother.

3. Hayden Voss - Hayden seems like the perfect combination of a fun guy, a strong physical player, and someone who is under the radar smart, having been on the Dean's List throughout his collegiate career despite his current career as a pedicab driver.

2. Zach Rance -Alright, I have this jackass ranked too high, but I'm too lazy to go back and re-arrange everyone's positioning.

1. Joey Van Pelt - Not only did Joey come across as being very likable as I had predicted, but she actually likes men, which was something that I didn't. Okay, the second part has nothing to do with the game, it was just for me.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

The Bachelorette Blog: "Do you wash your hands after you go to bathroom?"

This week Andi and the guys traveled to Venice, Italy as a reward for them having to spend all of last week in France. 

The first 1-on-1 Date went to Nick, who was excited for some unexpected alone time with Andi even though she was just evaluating whether or not she wanted to keep him around any longer.

Andi and Nick's date began like one of my very worst days ever in the 5th grade...With romantic school lunch pizza and a bird shitting on their heads. 

After spending the afternoon making out with Nick on the canals of Venice, Andi finally got around to questioning him about why all the other guys, or at least Cody, think that he's an arrogant ass.

Andi even went as far as to ask the overly confident Nick, "Do you think you're a front-runner?"

Nick responded by saying, "I don't like the word," and then went on to say that he felt "incredibly fortunate," to still be around, which wasn't at all what he said to Cody. In fact, it was the complete opposite.

I don't know what it is, but there's something about this Nick Viall guy that just doesn't seem honest.

Not knowing that, Andi completely ate up his bullshit story up and gave Nick a Rose before the two of them hit a private mascaraed concert given by 90's pop star, Gerardo.

The Group Date turned out to be a trap, and consisted of a lie detector test that Andi wanted to use to gauge the guys' true intentions, which would have been more appropriate had Nick not been selected for the first 1-on-1 Date.

While Andi stood in for a few questions, none of them put her on the spot and asked her the tough questions like, "Are you here for the right reasons?"

Then again, why would Andi want to risk her shot at going from a $40,000 a year prosecutor to a cushy job as a legal analyst for a hometown network like CNN. 

Chris was nervous about taking the lie detector test because he was hiding a secret from Andi that he only wanted to come out on his own terms...That he was really secretly Prince Harry.

And while the guys faced some ridiculous question about farting in public and washing their hands after pooping, they also had to answer whether or not they came on the show for the right reasons.

Interestingly, Dylan took off immediately after taking the test claiming that he was sick, which didn't make him look good, especially since that Andi ended up tearing up the test results without even looking at them.

After all that stress, Andi spent the remainder of the evening making out with pretty much all of the guys.

And while Chris was included in that group, he ended up earning the Group Date Rose after he finally revealed to Andi that he was her "Secret Admirer," which was something that she apparently already knew.

Interestingly, the normally cool J.J. got pissed when people congratulated Chris because he didn't think it was right to be cordial in a competition for a girl.

That caused the normally polite Chris to snap back at J.J. for shitting in his Easter basket after he got the Rose.

Cody received a 1-on-1 Date, which was a Romeo and Juliet themed day on the town.

Sadly though, Cody never even had a chance.

Even though he wrote Andi a lovely poem and even babbled on about how he wanted her to meet his family, Andi stopped Cody and told him that she didn't have any romantic feelings for him and sent him home on the spot so he didn't make a further ass of himself on national TV.

Acknowledging having been caught off guard, Cody Sadler handled getting sent home well, taking one last bitchin' shirtless "selfie" before riding off to the airport in tears.

At the Cocktail Party Nick kissed Andi before she could even walk in the room causing her to gasp, "That is a man. That is a man right there! Good job Nick!"

Of course, Nick was already safe, so that just took time away from the other guys who were still competing for the chance to have Andi dump them once her career takes off. 

After a back and forth evening over their emotions, but not their feelings for one another, Andi gave the final rose to Josh, sending J.J. packing. 

Unfortunately, J.J. O'Brien was sent packing and back to looking into how to get more guys into his pants.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

The Bachelorette Blog - "I've heard from multiple people, not just girls, that I have qualities that are really paramount when it comes to being a husband."

This week Andi and the guys traveled to Marseille, France, which had to be a huge disappointment after they spent the last week in Connecticut. 

The first 1-on-1 Date went to Josh, who Andi was still trying to get a read on.

Specifically, Andi was worried that her attraction to Josh was solely physical, and she yearned for a longed for a deep conversation with him to prove that he wasn't just another jock who was going to cheat on her.

Sure enough, Josh went on to explain that he was a 2nd Round draft pick as a baseball player before a shoulder injury convinced him to retire and focus on family.

Naturally, Josh then went on to play football at the University of Georgia where he managed not to date anyone for five years despite being on a campus that has some of the hottest girls in America.

Josh Murray and his brother Aaron Murray, who was just drafted by the Kansas City Chiefs, along with their dad and sisters.

Josh confessed to Andi that the reason he hadn't dated in five years was because his ex girlfriend kissed another guy when he was off playing pro baseball, which sucks, but seems a little harsh to break up with someone, let alone swear off dating for five years.

Josh Murray have have taken the whole "focus on family" thing just a little too far.

In the end, Andi gave Josh a Rose for being celibate...Or at least telling her that he was.

Josh Murray also got his wish when he asked of a seagull, "Please poop on us for good luck!"

The Group Date, which was said to be "something unique to the French culture," turned out have the guys learning to mime.

And when it was said, "They take their miming very seriously in France, it's like a full contact sport," things made perfect sense, considering that France's next most physical pastime is soccer.

Nick was not happy to be miming, but in the spirit of "when in France do as the French," he acted like a little bitch.

Cody was upset that Nick called himself the "front runner" after Cody had said he was just happy to still be around.

When the overly arrogant Nick tried to calm the overly muscle bound Cody by saying, "We tease each other all the time," Cody warned, "You don't mock me when it comes to that...That's one thing you don't do."

Much like Cody Sadler,  I  decided to get in a quick work out the other day without even telling any of my friends or family. Strangely, by the time I was done my Facebook account had just magically posted a "selfie" of me at the gym. In glancing at Facebook, it looks like I'm not the only one having this problem. Does anybody know what I need to change in my settings to make it stop?

Cody then ran off to tattle on Nick to Andi, who, of course, confronted him.

Not only did Nick acknowledge mocking Cody, but he had the balls to read her a really awful poem that he had written as well.

Sure enough, Andi saw right through it and said, "Are you going to kiss me, er' what?"

Nick Viall: If I was Andi Dorfman, I would have gone for option B), "Er What."

Andi then then shamefully explained, "It got complicated again tonight. It got complicated with him," before saying that Nick caused a ruckus at the house, and a ruckus in her mind.

Andrew took not getting a 1-on-1 Date as a sign that Andi wanted to send him home unless he did something big, and by big, he meant something totally racist. 

After hearing from J.J. that Andrew had leaned over to him and said, "Whoa, she gave it to the two blackies" at the First Rose Ceremony, Marquel, the lone remaining black contestant, decided to confront Andrew.

And while Andrew denied having said that, he also broke out laughing at the same time, which didn't go over so well with Marquel.

After Andrew gave Andi the 411 on his tense conversation with Marquel, Andi gave the Group Date Rose to J.J. for not being racist.
The second 1-on-1 Date went to Brian, who we know better as "Coach."

However, the entire date just turned out to be a shameless plug for Slumdog Millionaire Two, which Andi and Brian were forced to watch.

Because the movie ripped off it's plot from Julie and Julia, Andi and Brian went to a French market and selected as many disgusting items as they could so they could make a meal together.

Unfortunately, the Amish community in Pennsylvania that Brian comes from looks down upon men cooking, so he totally shut down even though Andi was practically begging for him to lift up her apron and smack her on the ass.

Andi then compared cooking with Brian to his penis.

Apparently having never seen a Bachelorette 1-on-1 Date, a clueless Coach then went on to say, "Man, I'd rather have this than any other 1-on-1 Date possible, I'm like man, sitting down and watching a movie...It was incredible!"

Coach opened up a little more later and went in for a kiss. And while that's all they seemed to have in common, Andi decided that effort was enough for her to give him another shot, so she gave him a Rose.

Not realizing how close he was to going home, Coach came back and gave the guys a pre-Cocktail Party pep talk by saying, "Boys, it's the 4th quarter, leave it all on the playing field."

However, Andi came back and told Chris Harrison that she didn't want to go through with the Cocktail Party because she had already made up her mind that she needed to let three guys go.

And when it was all said and done, that left both Andrew and Marquez on the on the outs.

Ironically, Andrew went home because he was a racist, while Andi sent Marquez home because he's black.

Even after allegedly making racist comments towards Marquel and Ron, Andrew complained about being bullied on his way out of the house.

Meanwhile, Marquel shed a few tears while saying that Andi made him a believer in love again, apparently not realizing that you don't get to be the new Bachelor if you don't finish in the top four...Or you're black.

Surprisingly, the final Rose went to Cody over Patrick. Well, at least it was surprising that Cody's still around, not so much that Patrick was sent home.

Of course, Patrick was in complete denial.

"I don't get it. The problem that occurred was that she didn't get to experience me. It's unfortunate, it truly is...I've heard from multiple people, not just girls, that I have qualities that are really paramount when it comes to being a husband."

Thursday, June 5, 2014

The Bachelorette Blog - "If you say the word 'acting' one more time, I'm probably going to lose it"

This week Andi and the guys traveled to New England...Because apparently the entire Carribean was booked up for a flower convention. 

The first 1-on-1 Date went to Dylan, who was clearly not ready to be on a reality dating show after his two siblings recently died from drug overdoses.

Not that the Producers would ever intentionally do something cruel to torment a contestant, but Andi took Dylan on a "romantic" train right through his hometown and over the river where he and his deceased siblings used to play.

And while Emily Maynard found herself in a similar situation when she wound up at a NASCAR track for a date after her ex-NASCAR driver fiance had died, she had at least finished the grieving process by sleeping with Dale Earnhardt, Jr.

Emily Maynard: Not only did she sleep with Dale Earnhardt, Jr., but rumor has it that she slept with half of NASCAR.

Unable to send Dylan home after hearing his sob story, Andi gave him a rose. However, that doesn't mean that she won't send him home to be with his brother, sister and Eric Hill next week.

In a clear attempt to appease the LBGT community after ABC's whole debacle with Juan Pablo, the Group Date had the guys playing basketball with a bunch of WNBA players.

After getting their asses pounded by Brittney Griner's penis, the guys had to play each other to earn additional time with Andi.

As part of the winning team, "Coach" got some extra time with Andi and hit a half court shot in some sort of bet that the two of them had.

And while it was clear that Andi wanted Coach to follow up his  with a kiss, he just seemed happy to have hit the shot, so Andi moved on and made out with Nick V. instead.

In a bit of a surprise, Andi told Eric that she thought things might be stalling between them after they kicked off the season with a great first date.

Her main complaint seemed to be that Eric wasn't volunteering enough information with her about his personal life, so he informed her that he was raised Mormon until age 26, at which point he divorced his wives and left Utah to pursue a life in reality television.

In the end, the Group Date Rose went to Bryan, which left Nick angry, and seemed to serve as a wake-up call to "Coach."

The second 1-on-1 Date went to Marcus, the genuine but somewhat possessive dude who seemed to have captured Andi's attention in a way that may eventually lead to a restraining order.

Andi informed Marcus that for their date they would be repelling down the side of a 30 story building and cleaning it's windows.

That caused Marcus to say, "I'm going to be the man in this relationship and hide my fear."

And while Marcus held it together and talked Andi through her through her own crazies, he also suggested that they kiss as they slid down in front of the guys' room, to which Andi shot him down and said, "No."

After a game of cat and mouse where Marcus covered up the rose on the table at dinner because he was too nervous, and then Andi later giving it to him by saying, "He has no idea what a catch he is."

They then concluded their date with a crappy country concert at a casino Surprisingly, it wasn't even Travis Tritt.

At the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party "Coach" finally decided to become a team player and kissed Andi, which may have been more improbable than the half court shot he made.

After their initial conversation where Andi told Eric that he wasn't opening up to her, he turned the table on her and told her that she hadn't disclosed anything to him about herself, and accused her of having a "poker face."

And while that seemed like a legitimate point, when Eric said "When the cameras are here, there's been a different side of Andi," she flat out lost her shit. 

"You're seriously still insulting me...I think at this point you and I both know that this is not going to work."

True to form, Andi went on to say, "If you say the word 'acting' one more time, I'm probably going to lose it," to which Eric replied, "It's okay."
And just like that, Eric was gone...No Rose Ceremony, no nothing.

As it turned out, that was the last conversation that he had with Andi, as after she sent him home Eric jumped off of a cliff and died in a tragic para-gliding accident.

Chris Harrison seemed to think it was a good idea to have Andi talk about their final moments together, which didn't exactly make her look good since she acted like such a self centered bitch.

Worse yet, we didn't even get a chance to see Tasos pretend to be sad at the Rose Ceremony when Andi sent him home for pretending to like her in order to promote his band.

Getting sent home without a whimper, Tasos Hernandez did not turn out to be as ready for prime time as he thought he was.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

The Bachelorette Blog - "I got cock blocked by a bouquet of flowers"

As if we weren't getting enough Andi Dorfman to begin with, Sunday was the start of a two night "special" Bachelorette event.

With two 2-hour episodes on back to back nights, coupled with last Monday's 2-hour episode and Thursday's replay of Monday's episode, ABC dedicated 8 of it's 24 prime time hours over an 8-day period to Bachelorette related programming.

The episode began with Andi and the guys packing up and moving on to Santa Barbara, where the first 1-on-1 Date went to Nick, a software sales executive from Chicago.

Andi took Nick on a hike up a mountain, who saw it as an opportunity to see if he really felt like being on the show.

"It's my opportunity to spend some quality time with Andi and see if it's worth sticking around."

Instead, Nick used the date to ramble on about how he'd been hurt in his past relationships. Taking that as a challenge, Andi gave him a rose thinking she could fix him and make him love again.

Nick Viall: Sadly, girls can get puppy's fixed and rescue them, but they can't rescue men and fix them. 

The Group Date turned out to be a classical singing lesson from Boyz ii Men, who's remaining members are all apparently struggling to make ends meet after Michael Bivens died.

Marquel was excited to learn that the guys would be singing one of their most famous songs, I'll Make Love to You.

Marquel went on to say, "I'll make love to you is one of the most iconic songs of all the history of music."

Marquel Martin proved that all black guys judge the quality of a song on it's ability to help them get a girl in bed...Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Josh made fun of Bradley the opera singer for trying to sing the song in falsetto...Although Josh didn't exactly use that term.

Being the only professional singer in the group (and no, I didn't forget about Tasos), Bradley was chosen to start the song off in front of the 10-17 people that had gathered to watch Boyz ii Men perform first.

Unfortunately, Bradley felt the need to address the crowd before he started singing, and the most romantic thing he could come up with as a dedication to Andi was, "Andi, we dedicate this song to you big girl."

And after he called Andi fat, or at least big boned, Bradley kicked things off with some really shaky vocals for an opera singer. Sadly, things only went downhill from there. 

At the post Group Date Cocktail Party, Andi decided to play a joke on Cody and told him that there had been chatter around the house that he had a girlfriend.

That joke seemed to take Cody Sattler by surprise...Mainly because he's clearly gay in real life.

After Andi made out with Marcus and Josh back to back, the Group Date Rose went to Josh, which seemed to quickly transform Marcus from the sweet quiet guy, into the creepy possessive guy.

Andi's second 1-on-1 Date went to JJ, and turned out to be one of the worst in Bachelor/Bachelorette history...Not because they had a bad time, but because the theme was so fucking stupid.

For some reason, the producers decided it would be a good idea to dress Andi and JJ up as old people and let them hit the town like it was their 50th Anniversary to try and fool people.

The problem was that despite the best effort of ABC's makeup artists, Andi and JJ still looked and sounded like two young people who were just dressed up like old people and trying to make fun of them.

Sadly for the authenticity of Andi and JJ's "50th Anniversary Date," Rascals aren't for old people, they're for fat people.

Proving that nobody will get sent home this season after a 1-on-1 Date, JJ got a rose after admitting to Andi that he was a dork, even to the extent that he had to switch schools because he was so socially awkward.

Back at the mansion, Ron left the show after getting a phone call and learning that a close friend had passed away.

That caused Josh to say, "It could have happened to any one of us here, that's what's so real about it," forgetting about the part where he was a privileged white guy and Ron was black.

The Cocktail Party before the Rose Ceremony brought some much needed drama to an otherwise boring episode.

First off, Andi was asked to sign for a delivery of flowers from Nick as she was talking to Eric, which lead to an uncomfortable moment. 

Or as Eric said, "I got cock blocked by a bouquet of flowers."

The first real controversy of the season arose after Andrew allegedly got the number of a hostess at dinner and then bragged about it to some of the other guys.

When Josh confronted him about it, Andrew simply ran up to his room saying, "I'm not going to engage in this," as Josh yelled, "So that's the type of guy you are?"

After thinking about how to justify his actions, Andrew came back down to the party and said that the hostess simply gave him her number, and he denied bragging about it to the other guys, even though they all said otherwise.

As it turned out, Andrew got the final rose of the evening, sending home opera singer Bradley, as well as Brett, the hairstylist with the really bad hair.

What can I say, Brett just didn't seem into the who "women" thing.