Sunday, March 10, 2013

Blogging SURVIVOR: Caramoan - "I'll pee in the rice, I'll pee in the beans, I'll burn the shelter to the ground"...(THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!)"

Realizing that his alliance of "cool kids" wasn't really considered all that popular after all, Reynold approached Matt to smooth things over. "We are not friends, but we need each other to win."

Of course, the prepster dork turned out to be totally disingenuous saying, "It's like Revenge of the Nerds,"

Reynold Toepfer seems to think of himself as a character from Revenge of the Nerds. I'm just not sure whether he thinks he was Stan Gable or Ogre...Personally, I'm going with Lamar.

Sherri Biethman, the cougar mom and restaurateur seemed to have had enough of dealing with bratty private school kids in her life...At least when she isn't trying to pick them up at underage college bars.

"All I do is deal with snotty teenage brats all day." Of course, I'm not so sure that statement will go over too well with the 65 teenage employees in her empire of crappy fast food restaurants.

In fact, let's just say that I wouldn't feel too comfortable eating the white glaze on the pastries from any of the Cinnabons in the greater Boise, Idaho area anytime soon. Then again, that's why I don't eat in any crappy chain restaurants...Or live in Idaho.

Retro Commercial Break: Jimmy John's can suck it...Quiznos and their singing Kung Fu Hamsters is where it's at!

After braving the elements and surviving on only 19-hours of sleep per day, Shamar seemed ready to go back to his cushy life of living in tents in "Occupy America" movements.

As he contemplated quitting Shamar said, "I actually came into the game really wanting the million dollars."

Of course, that was until he realized that he'd actually have to put in at least a little bit of effort get that money...Semper Fi!

Knowing just what button to push, and much like any southern Democrat, Sherri told Shamar that he could remain in the game without doing any work, so long as he would just vote with her alliance.

Not wanting to go out with a chip on his shoulder, Shamar was heard saying, "I'm not going to be the angry black man in SURVIVOR, it's just not going to happen."

Of course, he didn't realize that he had already made Chuck D look like a frat boy cracka...Kind of like Reynold.

Meanwhile, Malcolm and Corinne managed to sneak off into the jungle in their underwear in order to...F-ind the Hidden Immunity Idol for the Favorites Tribe.

Corrine Kaplan doing her version of the "Harlem Shake," only with her boobies instead of crazy costumes.

Much like Russell's Nephew, Cochran struggled with the prospect of being around half way pretty girls who were wearing nothing but their underwear, only for different reasons.

"It's not normal for me to be surrounded by all these beautiful women who, half the time just are wearing their underwear, but it's real here," proving that SURVIVOR is Cochran's real life version of the TV show LOST.

In fact, I can see Cochran remaining in the Caramoan and protecting the island years and years after everyone else leaves.

While Russell's Nephew was assured that he was safe, unfortunately that assurance came from a girl.

So in order to redeem himself in the eyes of his family patriarchy of redneck dwarfs, Brandon went on to threaten, "I'll pee in the rice, I'll pee in the beans, I'll burn the shelter to the ground"...(THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN!)"

Unless social services gets involved, Brandon Hantz' poor little redneck daughter doesn't stand a chance.

At the Immunity Challenge the teams had to swim out and retrieve a submerged chest, toss grappling hooks, and then drag their chest to the finish line.

Fortunately, the Favorites overcame Brandon Hantz' gut and black underpants and pulled off the win.

While Shamar had been brought into the loop by Sherri, he still told Hope her plan to split the vote between Eddie and herself before Tribal Counsel, being the idiot that he is.

Sure enough, Hope sold Shamar out at Tribal Counsel in order to try and save herself. Nonetheless, Hope, Eddie and Shamar each received three votes.

And with Reynold once again having refused to give away or play his Idol, Hope went home as the first player to ever arrive on SURVIVOR already emaciated.

Surprisingly, as she left Hope Driskell delusionally said, "I thought I was a strong player."

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