Monday, June 25, 2012

The Bachelorette Blog - "I wanna go West Virginia hood rat, backwoods on his ass"

This week The Bachelorette traveled to London, England.

In an effort to make Emily seem more sophisticated, we we're treated to her showing the guys around town while painfully trying to read cue cards highlighting historical facts about the city.

Unfortunately for Emily, the British have a white trash class too, they just go by different names. If you relate them to Emily's ex-boyfriends, the urban ones like Jeremy Shockey are called "Chavs," while the rednecks like Dale Earnhardt, Jr. are called "Pikeys."

Emily chose Sean for the first 1-on-1 date, and he proved that he was more than just eye candy by talking about his family and how much he believes in love.

While that kind of conversation would make Sean the most eligible bachelor ever on, it also makes him one of the most boring people to ever appear on The Bachelorette.

Thank God Sean makes up for his personality by taking his shirt off every possible he gets...Kind of like Courtney did on The Bachelor.

Emily and Sean concluded their date at The Tower of London, which she was informed informed him was the same spot where King Henry VIII imprisoned and beheaded two of his wives. Perhaps the location would have been more fitting of the Rose Ceremony, but Sean still managed to pull the 1-on-1 date rose because of his bitchin' abs.

When the Group Date was announced with the quote, "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet," wanna be rich kid Kalon was not happy that he did not get a 1-on-1. "I don't see tomorrow smelling decent at all. To me, it smells like shit."

When the guys finally figured out that the quote was a line from a Shakespearean play Wolf said, "No wonder we didn't know it, we're all a bunch of macho dumb-asses."

Kalon laughed as he said, "You guys realize if you become part of her life, pretty much any date is going to be a group date. It's going to be you, her and Ricki."

The Group Date took place at Stratford-upon-Avon. While I remember it as the place where I was challenged to a long jump duel by a couple of British punks (take that Sid Vicious and Johnny Rotten!), the rest of the world knows it as the birthplace of William Shakespeare.

When the contestants were informed that they were going to dress in costume and re-enact scenes from Romeo and Juliet, Ryan overcompensated and tried to cover up being on the "down low" by making fun of the fact that Arie was chosen to play a female nurse.

"Arie's going to be wearing a dress today and I get to kiss the girl." In regards to his costume, Ryan said, "This is just like a normal Friday night on the town."

Keep in mind that Ryan Bowers was wearing this scarf BEFORE he put on his Shakespeare costume...Apparently he's no stranger to the bar Bulldogs in Midtown Atlanta.

However, Arie ended up embracing his feminine side (which was easy for him to do given that he's Dutch), and won Emily over by being a good sport.

Good God! Apparently Arie's nose isn't the only thing that's crooked...

Apparently confused and thinking that he was auditioning for a role as an actor and not Emily's heart, Kalon took his audition just a tad too seriously, as when Emily came over to check on him, he rudely dismissed her by saying, "We need to get back to rehearsals - you can run along now."

Ryan met with Emily at the cocktail party following the the Group Date, where she called him "trouble." Ryan responded by saying, "I'm kind of trouble in a good way," clearly mistaking her concerns about his sleaziness as a compliment.

Ryan went to say, "In my experience, when a girl tells you you're trouble, and she smiles when she says it, I think sometimes maybe she wants to get in trouble."
Playing this week at Ryan's Date Rape Dinner Theatre, "No Means Yes."

Kalon became bitter when he realized that Emily wasn't even giving him the attention that she'd give to a low level driver in the NASCAR Truck Series when he sarcastically said, "Great, I'll get a chance to talk to an exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting on her at home."

After realizing that Kalon was repeatedly referring to Emily's chubby little daughter as "baggage," Doug decided to enter the "Bachelorette Witness Protection Program" and ratted him out.

After several weeks posing as a sweet "Southern Belle," Emily finally let "the other shoe drop" upon hearing about Kalon's comments and let her true redneck side show.

"I wanna go West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods on his ass!"

When Emily confronted Kalon and asked him if he had anything to say for himself, he defiantly said, "No, not at all." At that point Emily completed her transformation into West Virginia's version of The Incredible Hulk and yelled, "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

Apparently in West Virginia the terms "hood rat" and "backwoods" are synonimous...Except for the part where they refer to two completely different categories of people. 

After the Kalon drama played out, Emily chose Jef for a 1-on-1 date. After receiving etiquette lessons from some British dude named Gene, Emily and Jeff decided to skip out for some traditional British fish and chips as well as a pint of beer.

Assuming that the pint of beer didn't get him ex-communicated from the Mormon Church, Jef is an ideal contestant for The Bachelorette, in that he could win Emily's season, marry her, and still go on to become the next Bachelor while looking to add yet another wife to bring back to Utah.

Emily finally confronted Jef about his failure to make any romantic advancements towards her. Jef wisely took that as a cue to make his move, which ultimately earned him a rose.

When a girl likes Emily Maynard looks at you while running her fingers through her hair, it's her way of telling you that it's time to buy her new extensions.

Back at the Bachelorette Suite, Ryan tried to entertain Emily by putting a spin on Romeo and Juliet by adding a modern translation to some of Shakespeare's classic lines.

Emily was apparently the only person in America who liked the movie Romeo Must Die, as she admitted, "I'm mad at myself for saying it, but I find myself liking him more and more."

Mad at Arie for not having her back and standing up to Kalon for saying what the rest of the contestants were thinking about her handicapped daughter, Emily held-out and made him wait until the final rose at the Rose Ceremony.

That sent Alejandro home, who did not appear to see it coming. "I thought she was finally beginning to see who I was." Sadly, Emily did begin to see Alejandro for he was, and unfortunately for him he was Hispanic... which does not go over well in small southern towns like Charlotte, NC.

And now that Emily has eliminated all of the minorities, we can finally get down to business! Next stop, Oxford, MS, the most segregated place in all of America!

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