Sunday, July 31, 2011

BBB13 (Bloggin Big Brother 13) - "You're an accessory to backdooring me!"

Click here to get my most up to date Blogging Big Brother 13 posts
So, with the Dynamic Duos still in control after week three of Big Brother 13, are Brendon and Rachel getting too cocky for their own good? Rachel began the week by bragging about getting Cassi evicted, "Cassi, you want to accuse me of being catty, being bitchy? Guess what, you can watch from your house while I'm still playing the game, and winning this money...I've gotta brush off my shoulders, cause I've never lost a Head of House!"

Rachel's partner Brendon went on to say, "Rachel is the quiz book, the brains behind our operation. I'm the athletic side, but anything that involves thinking quickly on your feet, Rachel can handle." I totally agree with Brendon...if "thinking quickly on your feet" means giving a blow job on national TV to another dude.

For Christ's sake, it's a still. Not only does it not play, but you wouldn't want to see it even if it did

The Have/Have Not Competition was scrapped this week for a reward challenge. In a ridiculous promotion for an upcoming CBS TV show, the house guests were given clues in order to guess the identity of a celebrity who would be visiting the Big Brother house. Upon only seeing the first set of clues (3 bars of soap and a pair of opera glasses), Jordan correctly guessed that the answer was David Hasselhoff. Her logic? Bars of soap are used to wash, and a brand of soap just might be called "bay"...So if you combine the two you get "bay-wash," an obvious reference to the TV show Baywatch. And, of course, the next logical leap was to conclude that the correct answer was Hasselhoff based upon his portrayal of character "Mitch Buchanon." Jesus, my head hurts. And here I was thinking that TV game shows stopped rigging their results after Quiz Show...stupid me.

Rachel became upset with Jordan after she won the luxury competition and did not select Brendon and herself for the reward, a sushi dinner with the Hoff while watching a screening of his appearance on a show where he changes places with a regular Joe who also happens to be named David Hasselhoff. Although it sounds like a really promising idea for a show, I'm sure that somewhere in Illinois there is a 16 year old girl named Rachel Reilly who is cringing at the thought of having to move to Las Vegas for a week and give blow jobs to guys who claim to be test-shot photographers for Easy Rider magazine.

As their argument continued, Rachel told Brendon that they did not have much of a relationship anymore. Brendon agreed, calling it more of a "relation-shit." Overhearing America's least favorite couple bicker with one another, Daniele deadpanned, "we're not in couples rehab."

Rachel disappointment in not being selected by Jordan to share in her reward was actually an intentional slight, as Jordan expained, "I didn't want to take Brendon and Rachel just because they'd probably be like kissy all this time, so I didn't want to listen to that, and I didn't want to suck up to her just because she's HOH." While Rachel and Brendon discussed putting up Jeff and Jordan for eviction over being slighted (with a little prodding from Daniele), Rachel ultimately nominated Dominic and Adam.

Convinced that he had a deal with Rachel and Brendon that would keep him safe, with Adam their presumed target, Dominic agreed to throw the POV Competition in order to preserve their nominations. The POV Competition itself required the competitors to slip and slide through water and suds and bring back random letters in order to spell the longest word that they could create. This caused Dominic to proclaim, "The suds are everywhere! They're smacking you in the face, they're hitting you in the back of the head." Rachel followed that up by swallowing some "suds" and gagging, making me think that she and Dominic have much more in common than they've been letting on. In any event, Rachel was disqualified when she tried to spell moisturizing, M-O-U-I-S-T-U-R-I-Z-I-N-G. However, Brendon ended up winning the POV Competition and preserved her nominations.

After the POV Competition Dominic continued to fan Brendon and Rachel's insecurity and distrust towards Jeff and Jordan. Jeff became suspicious of Dominic and Daniele spending time together, and he  ultimately figured out that Dominic was playing them both and brought this to Brendon and Rachel's attention. This lead to Jeff initiating a house meeting, in which he called out Dominic and Daniele, telling Dominic, "you're an accessory to backdooring me," which is probably closer to the truth than he'll ever know.

During one of the many confrontations surrounding the house meeting, Daniele called Rachel an idiot, causing Brendon to snap, "don't ever call my fiance an idiot!" That caused Daniele to say of Brendon, "Brendon walks around this house like he is king of the Big Brother house. Brendon may be able to talk down to she's stupid, but if he has the audacity to pull that crap with me, I'm not going to stand for it."

Brendon then inexplicably picked a fight with Kalia by calling her out for being a floater by bragging, "you know what, I've studied rocket science, and this (smelling Kalia out as a floater) is way easier than rocket science." Well done Brendon. Not only did you needlessly pick an argument with someone who was playing along with your alliance, but you also made sure that America knows that you were in the "gifted" class when you were in school. I just hope that he realizes that "when everyone's special, no one is special."

After the house had settled down, Daniele readily admitted that her strategy had backfired. However, as one of the strongest challenge competitors when she was on Big Brother 8 she declared, "with the Head of House Competition coming up, I will win, and I will get one them out of the house this week. While Dominic was ultimately voted out, his time was not a total loss, as he lost over 200 pounds while he was on the ranch.


Ooops...wrong show. Following Dominic's eviction, Julie announced that the house guests would no longer be playing as duos, but as individuals. As Thursday's episode was finishing, the contestants began an endurance challenge for the Head of House Competition where they had to stay on a pair of skis attached to a moving wall as they faced a barrage of elements. As an incentive to quit or stay in the game, the first five contestants to drop out received either a reward or a punishment, with the top reward being $10,000.

Big Brother 13 Power Ratings - Each week I rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after week 3:

10. Daniele - Talk about first to worst from last week (at least in regards to my Big Brother Power Ratings), what looked to be a brilliant strategy to play Jordan and Jeff against Rachel and Brendon totally backfired for Daniele. Now she has a huge target on her ass, which her father "Evel Dick" should be able to attest to after going ass to face with her during Have/Have Not Competition in week 1.

9. Kalia - Kalia has described herself as Carrie from Sex in the City. In reality, she's closer to being the black Oprah.
8. Lawon - Lawon has lost his damn mind. His comments keeping getting crazier and less coherent (but not funnier) by the week. If Lawon starts twitching and scratching himself repeatedly this week, I'll be 100% convinced that David Hasselhoff and his anus served as his mule to smuggle drugs into the Big Brother house.

7. Adam - When told that a celebrity would be visiting the house, Adam excitedly blurted out, "I hope it's Tori Spelling! Is it Tori? Is Tori Spelling going to come here? Am I wearing something nice? Is she going to think I'm cute? OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!" All I can say to that is, poor Adam...all those years of watching Beverly Hills 90210, and he doesn't even realize that she's still a virgin.

6. Porsche - Porsche received so little camera time this last week that I wouldn't be surprised to tune in on Sunday and find out that she has completely disappeared from the know, like the older brother "Chuck" did in Happy Days, or Lebron James in any meaningful NBA Playoff series that he's ever been a part of.

5. Shelly - If Shelly, the Christian redneck, is still worried about how her children will look at her for lying in the game, perhaps she can go to this guy for confession, I have a pretty good feeling that he just might understand...BOOGITY, BOOGITY, BOOGITY - A-MEN!!!:

So if 3,000-5,000 NASCAR fans show up at your place of worship each Sunday, do you call it a mega-church or a Walmart?

4. Rachel - I couldn't really understand why Rachel would get engaged to Brendon after she caught him Skyping his love part to other women, especially after the way she talked down to him all of last season. Now that I see that she is scheduled to appear on the Brides of Beverly Hills, everything makes total sense. I'm not saying that landing a reality show gig is a good reason to get or stay engaged, but at least things are starting to make sense to me now.

3. Brendon - I'm totally ranking Brendon over Rachel this week for yelling at her and making her cry after she gave Porsche what ultimately turned out to be a wrong answer during a luxury challenge that made no real difference in who stays in the game. Seriously, this guy is almost "manic domestically-abusive" or something. One year he lets Rachel totally emasculate him, the next he's flexing his muscles and making her cry for absolutely no reason whatsoever, then he apologizes to her and re-sets the whole cycle. Hey? Did I just apply that sociology class I took in undergrad to a quasi-real life situation?

2. Jeff - A week ago, Jeff was targeting Brendon as a backdoor eviction nominee. This week, they were wearing the same shirt. I would say that they that they were simply sharing clothes (as all guys do), but they were actually on camera wearing the same blue on blue American Apparel wife beaters at the same time. According to the Big Brother after hours live feed coverage, Jeff then asked Brendon if they should ask their girlfriends if they could go shave their pubes together, which Adam seem happy to hear, as he exclaimed, "Hey...I'm not the creepiest guy in the house!"

1. Jordan - Last week she farted on him. In this week's Veto Competition (where the contestants had to seek out letters in the back yard and use them to spell out the longest word they could), Jordan admitted that she contemplated spelling "farting" with the letters she came up with. Ahh that Jeff, he's a lucky man. Then again, Jordan looks like she could be in position to Big Brother's first two time winner, so it's in his best interest to hang in there with her a little bit longer.

Monday, July 25, 2011

BBB13 (Blogging Big Brother 13) - "Thank you America, I LOVE BEEF JERKY...USA! JERKY, JERKY, JERKY!"

Click here to get my most up to date Blogging Big Brother 13 posts
Finally, after two weeks, there were finally some personality conflicts in the Big Brother house that made some of the contestants feel a little uncomfortable. I'm not talking about the uncomfortable feeling that I get when I watch the Whoopi Goldberg television commercial where she openly talks about how she wets herself, but I'm talking about the uncomfortable tension that exists when two or more people with secret jealousies live together in close know, like every group of girls who ever decided to share a house or get an apartment together during college.

After she heard Cassi talking about how the "Newbies" had targeted Porsche for elimination, Rachel snapped, "some of us liked Porsche, and she's here now for a month!" After Rachel stormed out of the room, Rachel and Cassi had an awkward moment where they were alone together in the kitchen and neither said a word to each other, which was good because didn't have to hear: a) Cassi's brutal accent, or b) Rachel's squawky Kathy Griffin voice.

Rachel was later heard saying to Porsche about Cassi, "Like, she's so pretty, but then she's just not good at playing this game." Of course, when it came to lobbying her alliance, Rachel made it seem as if Cassi was the primary threat on the "Newbie" alliance for her game play (and not just her looks) by saying that she was "definitely coming after them."

Jordan picked up on the fact that Rachel was jealous of Cassi for her looks when she told her, "people are throwing you under the's because you're pretty, that's why." In the Diary Room Jordan proclaimed, "Rachel is jealous because Cassi is beautiful and Rachel likes to be the center of attention."

At the Have/Have Not competition, the competing duos were bound together in ant costumes and forced to find and bring back specific "crumbs of food." The competition ended up being so physically demanding that Kalia needed medical attention after being crushed by Lawon. She later declared, "I was...utterly cleared by a medic, and I'm sure I'll be back to all my antics ASAP," which is odd because Kalia's only antics until this point in the game have consisted of being utterly quiet and boring.

While Jordan nominated Dominic and Adam for eviction, a power struggle took place at the Power of Veto competition. That competition consisted of the contestants (competing as individuals and not duos) running back and forth across a balance beam while chewing gum, and then placing their chewed pieces of gum on a board in order to fill in a POV symbol. In the event that any of the contestants fell, they were given the opportunity to continue in return for eating nothing but slop for the next two weeks.

When Jordan fell and initially volunteered to take slop in order to continue, Jeff convinced her to drop out of the competition given that she was so far behind she could not have possibly come back to win. This caused Rachel to start making passive aggressive comments, which in turn triggered Jeff to shut her down by snapping, "I didn't appreciate your comments during the race." He went on to say, " Rachel is running wild with her comments. It's been a problem since the beginning, so someone has to set her straight." An embarrassed Rachel then ran off into the bushes where she cried in Brendon's arms, which is odd, because Brendon is normally the one left crying in her bush.

Sadly for me...I mean Cassi, Dominic won the Power of Veto and took Adam and himself off of the elimination block. While Jordan and Jeff discussed the possibility of back dooring Brendon and Rachel, they ultimately stuck with their alliance and nominated Cassi and Shelly as replacement nominees.

Cassi and Rachel had a final confrontation when Cassi tried to set their relationship straight, and Rachel over escalated the situation by blurting, "Your game play is horrible...why didn't you win HOH last week?" When Cassi calmly replied, "I tried," Rachel snarked, "but you didn't." Cassi then took Rachel down a notch by saying, "You're catty, you really are...I really pulled for you last season, I just want you to know that. I really was a fan of yours, and I was like, that's bullshit the way people treated her, and you come in here, and I get're a catty girl, ugly person inside.

Cassi's comment once again sent Rachel off in tears, who proclaimed, Cassi's like, so mean!" I will point out that I don't really think that Cassi really watched season 12 of Big Brother, as it was noted by her friend that she knew nothing of the show until she was recently approached to be on season 13 by a producer as she was sitting in a bar in Nashville. Ultimately, Cassi was eliminated in a unanimous vote, which is a shame because I was just starting to find her accent to be a little bit sexy (I also had a strong urge to take up fishing).

After Cassi left, the house guests participated in a Head of Household competition where they had to answer questions based upon how they thought America responded in a poll about their fellow house mates. The competition came down to Rachel and Brendon in the final two, with Rachel once again winning HOH. While I was upset to see Rachel win another HOH, at least Porsche was noticeably upset over America having voted that they would rather see Daniele wear nothing but a bikini for the rest of the summer than her.

Good news Cassi fans, she has apparently posed naked...but unlike Rachel's pictures, her's are totally classy

Big Brother 13 Power Ratings - Each week I rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after week 2:

11. Kalia - Alright, I've been calling Kalia out for not demonstrating any personality, but it looks like she actually had a knock-down drag-out fight with Jeff over homosexuality, which I guess Big Brother decided was too controversial to air. Nonetheless, Kalia is a floater, and while she may not be the next contestant to go home, she definitely won't be making it to the end without a major change in her game play.

10. Lawon - Lawon wants so badly to be the most quotable person in the house like Britney was on Big Brother 12, he just very seldom says anything very interesting that doesn't involve chocolate factories. It's almost like he's the Julie Chen of Big Brother contestants...only he's not always pregnant with Maury Povich's babies.

9. Adam - Props to Adam for naming his partnership with Dominic "PB and J," which is short for "Pretty Boy and Jew." I once heard a PB and J described as "an unholy union of food," which is a befitting description of Adam's relationship with Dominic.

8. Porsche - While Porsche assumed that she would step in and fill the role of "prettiest girl in the house" once Cassi was gone, sadly, that title now belongs to Brendon.

7. Shelly - I like how Shelly cried in the Diary Room about how she was torn-up about how she concealed betraying her alliance with Cassi and the other "Newbies" given how she raises her children not to lie and she wants to be a good role model for them on television, yet she still didn't come clean about it even though she had the chance. At least she felt bad about it, which makes her unlike most women.

6. Rachel - After Cassi was voted out Rachel stated, "You are the worst game player probably ever in Big Brother. To say I'm catty and I'm bitchy and I don't like girls, there's no truth, I just don't like you,"....which pretty much just proved Cassi's whole point.

5. Brendon - After Rachel and Cassi had their confrontation, Brendon tried to stand up for Rachel by starting an argument with Cassi (who's probably the most upfront player in the game) and calling her a liar. That simply proved that Brendon has the balls to call out a world class model, but not the Vegas call-girl that he calls his fiance.

4. Dominic - This week we saw an interview with Dominic's life-long female "best friend," who informed us that he is a home-schooled mama's boy who has never even slept away from home. She also noted how he "really understands women," and how he "acts" like he likes Dani. Translation - "Dominic's gay, I'm his hag, and he's totally leading Daniele on to try and get further in the game." In any event, aligning himself with Daniele was a good play, and I have to admit that this kid's game is pretty underrated by the other housemates.

3. Jeff - It was awesome to see Jeff go off on Rachel after she got bitchy with Jordan over her effort during the POV challenge. Jeff even suggested that Brendon "needs to do whatever he has to do - pet her ego, stroke her red hair,* bedazzle whatever she's wearing, and get her in check."
*(Editors note - In no way, shape or form has Rachel been certified as either a true or honorary red-head by The Red Mieni)

2. Jordan - Believe it or not, I have to admit that Jordan was pretty much the most level-headed and rational competitor in the game last week, which is almost as odd to me as typing something along the lines of Rachel being the prettiest girl in the house.

1. Daniele - Quietly, Daniele is controlling this game. She remains close to her original "Dynamic Duo" alliances, yet she has also formed a strong bond with Dominic to give her ties to the "Newbies" as well. Then again, Daniele is apparently good at crossing over, as she demonstrated by her relationship with fellow reality star Ozzy from Survivor.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

BBB13 (Blogging Big Brother 13) - Rachel's not the Vegas party girl anymore, she's practically my wife"

Click here to get the most up to date Blogging Big Brother 13 posts
Of the eight new players in the game who vowed to stick together, Dominic recruited Keith, Lawon and Cassi to form a side alliance for a block of votes to protect themselves in the event any of them were nominated and had to go up against their partners for eviction. Keith, clearly having uttered this phrase before, demanded that they "KEEP THAT...ON THE LOW!" He then inexplicably came up with "The Regulators" as the name for their alliance. Personally, I thought the perfect name would have been "The Down Low," especially with Keith and Lawon in the group. As a close second I would have gone with "The Brand Nubians," but then again, that's just me.

At the Have/ Have Not Competition the contestants dressed up in absorbent cow suits and soaked up liquid as their teammates attempted to "milk" them the fastest. Keith saw an opportunity, and wasted no time putting Dominic in an "Evil Dick."

Keith may be a self proclaimed ladies man from Chi-town, but he had no problem taking Dominic to pound town.

Shelly proclaimed, " I felt like I was in a women's prison fight, instead of dripping blood, I was dripping milk. As it turned out, Shelly, Cassi, Lawon and Kalia wound up as "Have-Nots," and got stuck eating slop and sleeping in an asylum style bedroom where the lights remained on for the entire week.

In a shocking development, "Evel Dick" was called to the diary room and did not return to the house. Despite initial speculation that "Evel Dick" had contracted incurable genital herpes on his forehead after going ass to face with his daughter Daniele in the first Head of Household Competition, he ultimately released a statement indicating that he and his immediate family were safe and in good health. He later stated via a video on his website that it was a close friend who had some sort of undisclosed emergency that he had to attend to. Rumors still exist that this was a calculated move to catapult his daughter Daniele further into the game, but at this point there are no clear answers to exactly why he left, just "Evel Dick's" rather vague and self promoting official statement.

Having already won Big Brother 8, was "Evel Dick's" departure just a publicity stunt?

While they outnumbered the "Dynamic Duos" who returned to the show, the "Newbies" began to fragment, as Porsche happily jumped at the opportunity to dump her alliance and play alongside the veterans. Despite having the support of his newly formed side alliance, Keith alienated himself from the other "Newbies" when he inexplicably attacked Kalia for being loyal to the "Dynamic Duos."

In one of the dumber moves in Big Brother history, Keith threw the Power of Veto Challenge, as did Porsche, although she did so knowing that she had the backing of the "Dynamic Duos." Brendon and Rachel won the Power of Veto and decided to keep Rachel's initial nominations in tact. This lead to Keith being eliminated by a 6-4 vote, with Jordan, Jeff, Daniele, Brendon, Kalia and Shelly all voting against him. Shocked that he had thrown the Power of Veto Challenge, Julie Chen asked Keith on his way out of the house if he had ever watched the game before. When Keith responded that he had, Julie playfully asked, "Are you sure?"

Following the eviction ceremony, the housemates played a game of closest to the pin miniature golf to determine the next Head of Household. Jordan ended up winning, thereby preserving the "Dymanic Duos" position of power in the game for at least another week.

Big Brother 13 Power Ratings - Each week I rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after week 1:

12. Dominic - Dominic totally got man raped by Keith during the Have/ Have Not Competition. His official response, "I didn't like it too much, but eating the food made it all better." Well, alrighty then! As the leader of "The Regulators," and with the veterans in control after having won yet another Head of Household Competition, Dominic could very well find himself on the chopping block this week.

11. Lawon - In reference to the possibility of winning the "Big Brother Golden Key" Lawon proclaimed, "The Golden Key, I feel like Charlie at the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory." While he may not have the Golden Key, and I'm not sure about the Wonka; I'm pretty certain that Lawon is no stranger to the Willy, and this definitely wasn't his first trip to the "chocolate factory."

10. Cassi - This girl is incredibly hot, and she still hasn't even started losing weight yet. Oh wait, that's Survivor. Unfortunately she's already been violated by an actor in Aaron Eckhart, a Jason Aldean wanna be country singer in Lee Brice, a hockey player, and possibly even a star NFL player.  Anyways, Cassi hit the nail on the head when she said that Keith "came in here to play the Dating Game, and this is the Big Brother game." I just hope that he at least buys Dominic dinner after the show is over.

Bonus points if you can tell which one Jason Aldean is and which one is Lee Brice, with "bonus points" meaning  please don't ever return to my blog.

9. Kalia - She just seems like a waste of space on the show. Sadly, I'd almost rather have one of the all-time Big Brother DB's like Mike Boogie or Jesse on the show instead of her unless she picks her game and personality up real quick.

8. Adam - The "Dynamic Duos" seem to think that Adam is playing on their side even though he didn't vote with them in this week's secret vote at the Eviction Ceremony. Later, the "Heavy Metal Teddy Bear" was asked who his favorite Beverly Hills 90210 character was in response to a viewer submitted question. Without hesitation Adam bellowed out, "DONNA MARTIN GRADUATES!!!" three times, each time louder and more Satanic than the prior. In related news, Tori Spelling applied for a restraining order against Adam with the LAPD... while her mom filed an objection against that request on Adam's behalf.

7. Shelly - Aside from Porsche, Shelly seems to have the best rapport of all the "Newbies" with the "Dynamic Duos." In trying to describe the Have/ Have Not Competition where the housemates tried to soak up and run with milk while wearing absorbent cow suits, Shelly said, "you're carrying 60-70 pounds of milk, and your body's just not used to that." Strangely, that's exactly what the chiropractor said about Rachel in her medical records, only he used the term silicon instead of milk.

6. Porsche - Obviously used to being the prettiest girl in the room, Porsche clearly seems threatened by  Cassi's presence in the house. She's resorted to passive aggressive comments like, "She just seems fake to me." Porsche also had a shirt made up that says, "You can look, but you can't touch" that she read to Keith after his eviction.You just know that Porsche was waiting to break that shirt out regardless of who the first male eviction was, and she's so full of herself that she didn't even realize that  Keith was not so secretly gay.

5. Rachel - Speaking of full of herself, Rachel declared, "You have a hot beautiful fiance who's in love with with you - who calls you 'Bookie,'" in response to Brendon becomming upset with her for "emasculating" him by continually calling him by her pet name for him in front of the housemates. To Brendon's credit, she told him that she loved him three times before he bothered to reciprocate, which is a 180 degree role reversal from their relationship last summer on Big Brother 12. I'm really Brendon for growing a pair of nuts...they're not as big as Rachel's, but I'm still proud of him.

4. Brendon - In yet another sign of their incompatibility, Brendon became upset with Rachel's late night theatrics in the house when he whined, "Rachel's not the Vegas party girl anymore, she's practically my wife." If the poor dude would just listen to himself say that statement out loud I think he would have all the information he needs to decide against moving forward in that relationship. Brendon doesn't realize that you go to Vegas to find strippers, not wives. But as strip club economics goes, by agreeing to a dance with...I mean marry Rachel, he'll be getting a two-for-one...and possibly a free t-shirt. Unless Brendon wises up pretty soon I'm beginning to see a reality spin-off in our near future - Rachel and Brendon's Vegas Wedding, with the cliff-hanger focussing on the couple anxiously waiting on the results of Rachel's HIV test.

3. Daniele - One of the better moments this week occurred after "Evel Dick" left the house and host Julie Chen interviewed Daniele following his taped message to the housemates letting them know that he was alright. Julie asked Daniele, "No I love you?" A startled Daniele replied, "Oh my gosh, that's so awkward! Obviously I do love my father, he's my biological father and he brought me here...this is sooo awkward!" Let's just say that when your daughter refers to you as her "biological father," it's pretty much equivalent to the girl you like calling you her "friend."

2. Jordan - So, last week as I was trying to figure out Jordan and Jeff's relationship, I came to the conclusion that she must not fart, as that would be the only logical way that he would put up with somebody so completely clueless. Then, just minutes into the week's second episode, Jordan ripped a big fart on camera as she and Jeff were laying in beg together and then started laughing about it...I just don't get it.

1. Jeff - I know Jordan won Big Brother the last time they played, but Jeff is like the guy that drops his career to care for his senile grandmother. This guy simply deserves to win this game regardless of his strategy, his social game, or whether or not his girlfriend previously won the $500,000...wait a minute, I think I just figured out why he puts up with her.

Awkward Search Result of the Week that Brought a Web Surfer to my Blog: "A reason to live w/small penis," from San Jose, CA. Sadly, I think I'm more embarrassed that this guy wound up on my site based on his key word search than he was for having typed it.

Friday, July 8, 2011

BBB13 (Blogging Big Brother 13) - "You probably just saw my of my best features is my personality!"

Click here to get the most up to date Blogging Big Brother 13 posts
A new season of Big Brother is upon us, and at just the right time. I was starting to undergo some serious reality television withdrawal!

It's amazing how the reality television genre has shifted heavily towards American Idol themed talent contests, when just a few years ago I could look forward to a number trashy social interaction classics like Paradise Hotel and Temptation Island in addition to Big Brother. Now I'm stuck with summer shows like Expedition Impossible to satisfy my reality thirst, or as I like to call it, "The Not So Amazing Race." Hell, I would even settle for Rock of Love - Cycle 16.0 had it not been for Brett Michaels' untimely death, which in turn caused VH-1 to cancel all reality shows involving white people who did not get grandfathered in through Flavor of Love or one of it's various spin-offs.

This season's theme for Big Brother is "Double Trouble," where eight new house guests have to pair up with one another as partners instead of competing as individuals. They will then be forced to compete along with three "dynamic duo's" that are made up of former "Big Brother" contestants. Another twist is that the two housemates up for eviction each week will be teammates, although each of the nominees that survive the eviction ceremonies in weeks 1-4 will receive a "Big Brother Golden Key" and automatically advance to the final 10.

My immediate impression of the format? Choose your partner wisely, as the person that you think is your ideal running mate could end up throwing you under the bus at the first sign of trouble. In fact, they should have called this year's twist the "Sarah Palin Project."

The new cast mates were immediately asked to pair up. Keith - an ultra-religious but self proclaimed ladies man from Illinois, immediately stood up and asked Porsche - a VIP cocktail waitress from South Beach, to be his partner. She awkwardly accepted.

Shelly - a hunting and fishing outdoor experience executive from Louisiana, and Cassi - a tomboy model from Nashville who likes to fish, quickly formed a bond over their love of killing animals and men.

Adam - a huge bald guy from New Jersey who loves heavy metal almost as much as he likes Beverly Hills 90210, asked to partner with Dominic - a 25 year old "model" from California, who likes to ride his street motorcycle through suburban strip malls really fast in order to overcompensate for: a) still living with his mom, b) still being a virgin, c) his really small penis, or d) all of the above.

Finally, Kalia - a relationship blogger who is essentially the African-American version of Carrie from Sex in the City, expressed disappointment over winding up with Lawon - a flamboyant legal clerk from Los Angeles, whom she feels will disrupt her game strategy to lay low. Apparently his game strategy consists of staying on the "not so down low."

The returning couples were then introduced, with last season's most dysfunctional couple Brendon and Rachel entering the house first -suprise - as an engaged couple! As Dominic described, "'Brachel" is a beast of a couple, it is a male named Brendon and a female named Rachel." Unfortunately, Rachel's penis took exception with that statement and totally devoured Dominic, so he is now off the show. The next announcement was for Jordan - the cognitively challenged winner of Big Brother 11 who makes Ms. South Carolina look smart, and Jeff - the boyfriend who has dated her since they appeared on the show together. Last but not least, Big Brother 8 winner "Evel Dick" returned with his smoking hot, but once again estranged daughter, Daniele.

I was disappointed to see that Big Brother did not make any effort to amp-up their competitions for this season, as the Head of Household contest simply required the contestants to hold onto a giant hanging banana that was occasionally slathered with chocolate and whipped cream longer than any of their opponents. Sure this was a springboard for a few disgusting comments from Hepatitis-C positive and eventual HOH winner Rachel such as, "I spend most of my time on bananas...and then you get shot with whipped cream on the face," but I'm pretty sure she still would have uttered that exact same quote had the contest involved reciting bible verses or doing NASCAR drivers.

Big Brother 13 Power Ratings - Each week I'm going rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after Episode 1:

14. Rachel - As Head of Household Rachel is safe this week, but that also guarantees that she will be eligible to be nominated for eviction next week. We also have no idea which duo that she might be thinking of targeting at this early point in the game. So over the long term, and given that her housemates and the rest of America find her personality to be as annoying as she finds it when her penis accidentally grinds against Brendon's when they are having sex, she's a sure bet to leave the house relatively early (assuming you don't believe in conspiracy theories that may allow her to stick around for a few weeks as a villain in order to increase ratings for CBS).

13. Brendon - With Rachel winning Head of Household he's also going to be safe this week. However, the returning contestants will definitely be targeted in future weeks by the new house guests given that they are outnumbered 8-6, and Brendon simply isn't all that likable so long as he's affiliated with Rachel. I'm just surprised that Brendon and Rachel announced that they are now engaged given that: a) she repeatedly emasculated him on camera last season in spite of his repeated proclamations of love, and b) Brendon actually got busted for cheating on RACHEL when she discovered that he was sending pictures of his junk to some random girl over the internet triggering this classic video apology!

12. Daniele - Talk about a hot girl with daddy issues, I really need to meet this Daniele chick! You would probably think I was kidding if I said that she wrapped her legs around a giant banana with her partially exposed ass just inches above the face of a guy who calls himself "Evel Dick" in the first episode tonight. Did I forget to mention that "Evel Dick" also just happens to be her estranged father? Daniele might not last long on Big Brother 13, but I'm absolutely certain that she's good in bed.

11. Evel Dick - Okay, I'm only going to be nice here because the near rape that took place between "Evel Dick" and his daughter during tonight's HOH competition was simply better than any verbal jab I could ever dream up. Let's just say that from this day forward, whenever a father puts his daughter in a sexually compromising position, I'm going to refer to it as "putting her in the Evil Dick." For example - during her murder trial, Casey Anthony's attorney alleged that her father repeatedly put her in the "Evil Dick" when she was a child.

10. Jordan - As a former Big Brother winner, no mentally challenged person has had a bigger target on their back in a reality show since Chris Burke appeared with Tonya Harding as his partner on Skating with the Stars...that is, not counting all of the times that Kenny has been on any of the Real World/Road Rule Challenges.

9. Jeff - He seems like a nice enough guy and all, but he has to be praying like hell that Jordan doesn't mention anything about them having sex for fear of getting charged with statutory rape for having intercourse with a retard. I particularly liked the part in tonight's episode where he was able to explain to her that a year is actually more than 9 months long without even getting angry or annoyed with her in even the slightest way.

8. Porsche - Doomed to be a VIP cocktail waitress in a douche magnet town like South Beach from the moment her parents admittedly named her after a douchey sports car. Porsche proudly proclaimed after twirling in her mini-skirt for a fellow housemate, "you probably just saw my bottom! One of my best features is my personality...the doctors did help a little bit."

Is Porsche really all that hot? Not really, but I'm only saying that because my girlfriend is probably going to read this.
7. Keith - Keith is a youth minister who keeps going out of his way to insist how much of a player and ladies man he really is. When people do that it always kind of raises my suspicions a little's kind of like being around the Notre Dame Leprechaun.

6. Adam - The self proclaimed "Heavy Metal Teddy Bear" has already demonstrated an annoying propensity to grunt out a satanic like "HO!" whenever he gets the chance. He has also proudly proclaimed an affinity for the television show Beverly Hills 90210.  It's almost as if Adam is the love spawn of an affair gone bad between WWF legend Jim "Hacksaw" Duggan the heavy metal band Electric Hellfire Club, only the Electric Hellfire Club clearly prefers them some Charles in Charge over that weak ass 90210 shit.

The Electric Hellfire Club and Nancy Grace were quite pleased when the Rapture did not come on May 21, 2011
5. Lawon - Has anyone ever faked being gay just to get on a reality show? Maybe it's just a hunch, but Lawon's almost too flamboyant. Call me skeptical.

4. Kalia - She's definitely going to fly under the radar for a little while, but I'm still trying to figure out how an ugly sex writer ended up on the show.

3. Shelly - This country girl is all business. I would keep her around for the sole reason that there is an outside chance that she ends up doing it with Cassi (and fuck you for judging, I am a guy after all...).

2. Dominic - What can I say, girls love douchey guys who like to wear wife-beaters and drive Camaros or ride street bikes. Dominic is hoping to win Big Brother 13 so he can use the money to buy a new Ninja 1000. Why? Because Kawasaki lets the good times roll - bitches!

1. Cassi - Alright, she must be hot, because not only am I putting her at the top spot pretty much just because of her looks, but I'm also overlooking the fact that she's a complete and total redneck. Seriously, if I saw a bio like hers on a site like and it said that she likes to fish, hunt and go muddin' I'd like to say that I'd automatically rule her out...but then I looked at her pictures and she totally became datable!