Blogging Survivor: South Pacific - "I should have stood up for Cochran sooner...I have a son who reminds me of him who has red hair"

While last week's episode had ended with Ozzy volunteering to be voted out by his Savaii tribe mates so he could try to eliminate Christine at the Redemption Challenge, Cochran was not necessarily buying in to his role as a "double agent." "I think if anybody in this game is capable of being a double agent it's me...I've already been pretending like I like these people in my tribe through the last 18 days. I think I deserve an Academy Award for that performance - 'First you get the egomaniac returning player voted out, then you get his Idol, then you get the million dollars.'"

I kind of like Cochran's three-step plan to winning Survivor...at up until the part where he leaves out getting the sugar.

When he arrived at Redemption Island, Ozzy began to sell his story that he was blindsided by Cochran to Christine:

Christine: "What happened Ozzy?"
Ozzy: "Idol."
Christine: "Who had it?
Ozzy: "Guess."
Christine: "Cochran?"
Ozzy: "Yes, how'd you know!?!"

At that point Ozzy was starting to feel pretty good about the job he was doing on selling his story. "First step was getting myself voted out. Second step - getting her to believe that. Third step - beating her and getting the other tribe false information."





If Cochran and Ozzy could have a baby together, that child would be Eddie Rabbit.


Unfortunately for Ozzy and the rest of the Savaii Tribe, things didn't go as smoothly when Ozzy proactively volunteered how bitter he was about getting blindsided to the Upolu tribe members when they showed up to watch the Redemption Challenge. Or as Al said to Coach while shaking his head, "I don't buy it."

After Ozzy beat Dawn in a challenge that consisted of tying sticks together until they were long enough to reach sets of keys to unlock themselves, it was announced that the tribes would merge as Savaii had anticipated.

Coach wasted no time in calling Cochran out when he volunteered that he had been treated like shit by his Savaii tribe mates. "I feel like you guys are trying to play us, OK? You guys came up with a story, you guys sent Ozzy to Redemption Island, you got an Idol in your pocket, and knowing Ozzy would win Redemption, it was a risk, but you know Ozzy would win Redemption...We will not bend, we will vote six strong...There's a one if five chance you'll be drawing a black rock."

After calling a clearly rattled Cochran out and threatening to send him to the tie-breaker for elimination, Coach decided to Dr. Phil and reach out to him. "I've been made fun of my whole life. I might be the Dragon Slayer now, but I know what it feels like to be superior to people in one way, and they know it, so they try to find ways that you're inferior to cut you down. I now what that feels like man, and you have a chance to change the game for your self. There's a line in the sand - come across that line."

It seemed as if Coach's "come to the dark side" speech clearly made an impression on Cochran, who said, "What I took away from Coach is he's an incredibly intelligent guy. I've watched and always viewed him as this eccentric "Dragon Slayer" who talks about Wizards and King Arthur, but he's a smart guy."

Coach found it much easier to manipulate the game of Survivor when he realized that John Cochran was really Steve Smith from American Dad.

Cochran wasted no time in spilling the beans on Ozzy's plan when Sophie quizzed him and asked, "I just want to know if (Ozzy) volunteered?" When Cochran confirmed her suspicion Sophie said, "There was no illusion...the beans were pretty loose."

Cochran confided to his former Savaii tribe mate Dawn that the prospect of having to draw rocks in the event of a tiebreaker had him worried and that he was considering switching allegiances based upon the way he had been treated. Dawn then launched her Mormon mother of the year campaign when she sobbed  "I should have stood up for Cochran sooner...I have a son who reminds me of him who has red hair!"

Based upon their equally "Redjudice" remarks, it sounds like Dawn and Prince Charles would have made the perfect couple. And just so Dawn knows, instead of sobbing on national television about how you feel bad for your son because he has red hair, the proper parental response is to buy him a weight set and teach him to make the first kid who tries to make fun of his hair cry by over escalating the confrontation and saying the one thing that everyone is thinking about him or his family, but is to afraid to say...It has the same effect as starting a fight on your first day in prison in that nobody is going to fuck with you from then on out.

And as for Prince Charles having been upset that his son was born a red, I'd like to remind him that it was actually Harry grew up to be the good looking one, while William ended up with his dad's receding hairline that he was able to parlay into a commoner as his Queen in waiting who has a whore for a sister that will embarrass the Royal Family for years to come.

Pippa Middleton is kind of like the UK's version of Bristol Palin, if only her mom had become President.

Alright, back to Survivor. The merged tribes agreed on "Te Tuna" as their new name, which according to Keith was apparently based upon a story of how the coconut came to be. The first Individual Immunity Challenge consisted of standing on a small perch while holding a coconut between two outstretched ropes and trying to keep it from falling. Dawn won immunity for women, while Ozzy won it for the men.

More importantly, we saw that Russell's Nephew had a spiderweb tattoo on his arm, meaning that he's either done time, is a white supremacist, or both.

Maybe Brandon Hantz just really liked that catch Spiderweb song by Gwen Steffani and No Doubt.

While Cochran did return Ozzy's Immunity Idol, he continued to make plans to switch his allegiance to the Upolu Tribe. Legitimately afraid that he might get beat-up by his former tribe mates, he asked Coach, "Where am I sleeping tonight?" Coach reassured him saying, "You're sleeping right between me and Edna, or you can sleep next to Sophie if you want - you have carte blanche." So I guess we can officially add "tribal pimp" to Coach's list of fake occupations.

Coach went on to explain, "I've convinced Cochran that...the weak will finally become strong, that the nerds will finally rise up to the bully and give them a bully beat-down." Alright, this is either another Biblical quote from Coach, or something like the fourth time that he's based his actions in this game upon a movie plot or scene from the 1980's or early 1990's. Either way, it's getting annoying.

Cochran and Coach have found an unexpected bond and alliance. Look for them to be surprisingly joined next season by Russell Hantz in Survivor Heroes and Villains II: In Paradise, which will be shot in Fort Lauderdale next year during spring break.

At Tribal Council, the former Upolu Tribe members confronted Ozzy about having the Immunity Idol and fabricating the story that he had been sent to Redemption Island after being blindsided by Cochran. Ozzy came clean when he said, "I do have the Idol, or rather, we do have the Idol." 

Ozzy gave the Immunity Idol to Whitney after the vote based upon Jim's reverse logic that Upolu would target their weakest member knowing that Savaii could use Immunity Idols to protect their strongest members in Ozzy and either Keith or himself.

Unfortunately for Savaii, Jim overthought the matter (in addition to overestimating his strength as a player in the game) and they ended up wasting Ozzy's Idol on Whitney when Upolu voted for Keith. That lead to a 6-6 tie between he and Savaii's target, Rich. With Keith and Rich sitting out the re-vote, Cochran changed his vote to Keith, thereby sending him to Redemption Island.

When Cochran tried to immediately explain himself to his former Savaii tribe mates, Jim dismissed him by snarling, "Coward!" In a touching moment of humanity, much like when an injured infant falls into a guerrilla's cage, and the guerrilla ends up caring for it instead of eating it, Russell's Nephew came to Cochran's rescue by snapping back, "Don't talk to him like that, that's what you get for talking to people like that in the first place!"

Russell's Nephew then whispered "stay close to me" in Cochran's ear as a clearly tense Te Tuna Tribe walked out of their first Tribal Council following the merge...Which I think is the official prison way of informing Cochran who he was going to be sleeping next to.