Thursday, August 18, 2011

BBB13 (Blogging Big Brother 13) - "I can't take anymore women guys have your periods?"

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Things started to get interesting this week, both in terms  twists and some questionable game strategy.

We had players volunteering to be evicted in order to leave the house in order to seek the elusive Mobile, Alabama leprechaun, oops, I mean some sort of Big Brother "Special Power." We also had evicted house guests returning to the house. Last, but not least, we had a former contestant returning to the show to provide some much needed guest analysis in order to make-up for what is probably the least personable cast in Big Brother history, at least when it comes to witty one-liners.

If you watch closely, you can see Lawon at the 33 second mark.
With Kalia as Head of House, Porsche immediately abandoned her "alliance" with Rachel and made friends with her and Daniele, kind of like how all the girls kissed ass in the movie Heathers whenever a new bitch came into power. This caused Rachel, Jordan and homophobe Jeff to shun Porsche, who would obviously not be the type of father who would "love my dead gay son."

Jeff and Jordan threatened Kalia by saying that they would target her if she nominated Jeff for eviction, even though Rachel was her real target. They reasoned that with the evicted house guest having the potential to return back to the house, she was in a no-win situation if she tried to break-up their alliance with Rachel and Brendon.

While Kalia admitted that she was rattled by Jeff and Jordan's threats, she nominated Jeff and Rachel by explaining:
"I have nominated the two of you for eviction. The last week has been hell for a lot of reasons, the cattiness, the talking behind people's backs. In the end, the pointed to in those pictures, they taught me to be a strong person and make the decision that is best for me, and they would never, ever want me to lay down and let someone make a decision for me. So that's where everyone else in the house who thinks I'm making someone else's decision, I'm making my own."
At nominations, Rachel "shadowed" Daniele and invaded her space by intentionally pressing against her. This caused Dani to snap, "Is this serious, does she have to be sitting on my lap and touching my foot?" Ironically, that is almost exactly what Rachel said to one of her "clients" when she was working at the strip club back home in Vegas.

Rachel's behavior caused Kalia to lecture her by saying, "The reason you're on the block is because you're immature, catty and ridiculous, and your behavior "Example A" of why you're up there." Shelly tried to intervene by pleading with Rachel, "Stop chasing her...please, you have more class than this," which was just yet another example of Shelly telling bold faced lies in this game.

As Rachel moped and cried to her alliance, Jordan became tired of being her babysitter. "Brendon used to be the one to manage Rachel. Now, since (he's) gone, I have taken (that) role...and believe me, it's tough work." When Jordan was the one who began to break down about having to deal with Rachel to Jeff, it caused him to say in exasperation, "Oh my God, I can't take anymore women guys have your periods?"

The Power of Veto Competition consisted of the contestants having to roll a ball up and down a table with a V-shaped slope 300 times, catching it on the other side before it fell to the ground in order to avoid having to start over. Strangely, while one would think that Kalia would have wanted to win the POV after she was threatened by Jeff and Jordan, she quit playing in order to cheer Jeff on, who was in a relatively tight contest with Adam. While Adam at one point had a convincing lead, he ended up choking it away at the very end, giving Jeff the POV, which allowed him to take himself down from the nomination block.

Clearly afraid of Jeff and Jordan, Kalia idiotically assured them that she would not put Jordan on the nomination block in place of Jeff. In fact, she didn't even ask them for anything in return even though she was the one in power, and they were the ones negotiating from a position of weakness. Of course, as soon as he ended his conversation with Kalia Jeff said, "I want Kalia to be stupid enough to put up one of her own."

While Kalia was still wrestling with the idea of appeasing Jeff and Jordan, Lawon approached her and volunteered himself as a replacement nominee. His reasoning? "I'm okay with being evicted, because I am thinking that I might come back with special powers...HOW YA LIKE ME NOW?" He later elaborated further when he said, "I don't mind being evicted this week, because I know THE TWIST will bring me back more powerful than EVER!"

I think poor old "Obi-Lawon Kenobi" should have kept his light saber in his pants. First of all, it was only announced that there was a possibility that the house guest eliminated this week could come back. Secondly, there was nothing said at all that would even lead anyone to infer that the eliminated house guest would receive any type of "super power," even if they were lucky enough to return to the house.

Kalia and Daniele took Lawon's offer as an opportunity to put him up as a replacement nominee in order to avoid upsetting the Rachel-Jeff/Jordan alliance. This caused Jeff to say, "Kalia nominated one of her own people. Either she's very intelligent...or she's so stupid it put the numbers even more in our favor. My vote goes for stupid." To add insult to injury, after Lawon was unanimously voted out 6-0, Connie Chung announced to the viewers, "What he doesn't know, is there is no 'special power.'"

In desperate need of a witty and sarcastic voice, CBS brought back Ragan (a contestant from Big Brother 12) to offer his thoughts on this year's game. While Ragan probably dropped the most hilarious and vicious verbal assault on Rachel in the history of reality television last summer (see below), he not only admitted that they are now friends, but that he will also be in her wedding to Brendon. Ragan explained how Rachel was "crybernating" when she was depressed and crying in her room after being nominated for eviction, which is the term he came up with for when "the sassy, feisty, in your face Rachel goes away for a few days." Seriously, if Ragan wasn't gay, he and Brittney Haynes (also from Big Brother 12) could have produced the most sarcastically mean children ever given birth to. While I'm still holding out hope for an artificially inseminated fag-hag love child, at least America has Melissa Rivers as a consolation prize.

In an upset to common sense, but not ratings for CBS, Connie announced that America had voted to give Brendon a chance to play his way back into the house over the next closest vote-getter, Dominic. Sadly, it never even occurred to me that anyone other than Cassi would be the one re-entering the house...I guess Lawon and I must have been drinking out of the same  "pimp-chalice" crunk glass.

In a relatively simple competition between Lawon and Brendon to grab balls with the names of all 14 house guests that had been shot into the yard and roll them into a hole, Lawon slowed down and appeared to give up after Brendon took an early lead. Brendon easily won the competition, thereby sending Lawon out of the game and thereby securing the title of "best ball grabber" in the Big Brother house.

Lawon's decision to volunteer himself not just as a replacement nominee, but also to be evicted will go down as one of the worst moves in the history of reality TV. It ranks just ahead of the long haired kid in Survivor who got talked out of his Immunity Idol, and just behind the little guy in American Idol who quit after the first season and gave Ryan Seacrest sole control of the show's hosting duties, Dick Clark's New Year's Eve gig, and the title of "America's Most Eligible Bachelor."

Upon Brendon re-entering the house, Rachel, Jeff, Jordan, Adam and Shelly all gathered hand-in-hand while jumping up and down in what Shelly called a "love circle," which made Rachel feel like she was back at home with a bunch of naked dudes. Jordan was particularly happy, proclaiming, "I don't have to babysit Rachel anymore, I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders!"

In what appeared to be a no-win situation for Daniele and Kalia (with Kalia forced to sit out the HOH competition as last week's winner), the four "Veterans" were the first four eliminated in the Head of Household Competition where they had to come the closest to guessing the number of random objects representing their home states. When Shelly and Adam subsequently bowed out, that left Daniele and Porsche as the last two left, with Daniele ending up winning.

When Shelly became upset when she overheard Porsche and Kalia calling her out for playing both sides, they told her how Rachel ratted her out for trying to make a deal to take her to the end along with Brendon. This caused Shelly to call Rachel a liar, which was ironic since the viewers saw her trying to make that deal on video replay.

With Dani having won HOH, Rachel and Brendon approached her to offer a deal. Knowing that they would be her target, they offered her a secret alliance all the way to the final three. Even though they all expressed doubts whether they could trust each other, Daniele apparently accepted their offer, as she nominated Adam and Shelly for eviction.

After Shelly was nominated she complained, "I feel like a fool. I'm absolutely furious that Rachel would blatantly lie. It's just disgusting. I just can't believe what comes out of her mouth." Interestingly, what came from Rachel's mouth wasn't any more disgusting than the lies that Shelly's been spewing the entire game...aside from dried up cum remnants from the 40 douche bags wearing "Tap Out" t-shirts that she gave blow jobs to prior to the MMA event that came to Vegas to just before she came on the show.

Big Brother 13 Power Ratings - Each week I rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after week 5:

9. Shelly - Shelly Moore's lyin' and a cheatin' ways have finally caught up to her, as she's finally been called out for playing both sides. As a result, she's now lost everyone's trust. She did have a nice response to Connie's comment about the many tears that were shed in the house over the past week when she stated, "We're going to get Adam crying reall soon...we might have to shave something else off."

8. Kalia - After learning that Brendon was returning the house, Kalia sobbed, "Everything I did was for nothing!" Fortunately for Kalia, Lawon's decision to volunteer himself for eviction took all the heat off of her for the most stupid game play of the year. Still, Kalia's not only made enemies in Jeff and Jordan, but her decision to leave the "Veteran" alliance intact caused her biggest ally Daniele to potentially strike a secret side deal with Kalia's two biggest opponents.

7. Adam - This week Adam shaved his beard and did a strip-tease while shedding his elf suit. Strangely, of the two, I think I was more intrigued by him shaving off his beard. Does that mean I might have a shaving fetish? To paraphrase Phineas and Ferb - Yes, yes it does. In a clip that did not make the air, Adam apparently told Dani that "If your dad was here, he could've hooked up with Shelly," to which she replied, "Gross!"

6. Porsche - Completely clueless to what's going on, and with her ass either growing exponentially or her bikini bottoms shrinking by the episode, Porsche could stand to benefit from Daniele's new alliance with Brendon and Rachel if their agreement holds. Speaking of clueless, Porsche concocted a nasty drink to try to fool her competitors in the Have/Have-Not Competition. She explained that her drink consisted of "carrots and yams, and I (tried) to offset it with a little bit of onions, because I'm not sure what onions taste like." Porsche probably would have been much more confident in her palette had Big Brother only offered her "Head of Household's ass" as one of her flavor options, because she clearly knows exactly what that tastes like.

Porsche is either gaining weight, carrying Hasselhoff's baby, or she just really has to poop.

5. Daniele - Strangely, I almost think that Daniele potentially turning her back on Kalia and secretly uniting with Rachel and Brendon could be a good thing for her, kind of like when Sarah Palin sold out John McCain and parlayed her potential Vice Presidency into a reality show on the "Versus" network...wait, never mind.

4. Brendon - I'm guessing that Brendon proposed the secret alliance between Daniele, Rachel and himself. If so, it was an extreme power move, as it would give him the power to decide whether to ride that alliance to the end, or screw Daniel over and continue on with Jeff and Jordan. I am curious as to why, in spite of all the fireworks that have gone on in the house, nobody has thrown the fact that Brendon went all "Brett Favre" and Skyped pictures of his junk to some random women after last season. It's almost like Rachel has effectively put a gag order on his cock, which would be kind of funny coming from somebody who no longer has a gag reflex.

3. Rachel - As Rachel was ridiculed by her housemates for her immature behavior after being nominated, she unknowingly came up with the most rhetorical question in Big Brother history when she sobbed, "Why are people constantly making personal attacks at me if it's just a game. It's just a game, yet I'm catty and bitchy. I make everyone in the house miserable. Why would you say that?"

2. Jeff - At one point this week, Jeff tried to repair his relationship with Shelly, which lead to this awkward exchange:
Shelly:    "We're 100% good."
Jeff:        "Let's make sure we're 110%."
Shelly:    "We are."
Jeff:        "Should we make out?"
Shelly:     (trying not to sound interested) "No, we should not."
1. Jordan - During the Have/Have-Not Challenge Jordan wondered, "Can you eat coconuts, or do you drink coconuts?" Rachel quickly chimed in and said, "You eat the nut, and you drink the milky white stuff that comes from the inside." Okay, maybe Rachel didn't say that, but she certainly is an expert when it comes to sucking the creamy goodness that comes from all things that are round, brown and seemingly covered in hair.

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