Sunday, May 17, 2015

The Bachelorette Blog - "Meet the Cast"

The new season of The Bachelorette is upon us.

This year ABC is starting with two different Bachelorettes, Kaitlyn Bristowe and Britt Nilsson, with rumor having it that only one of the two will make it to the second show.

Further rumor has it that Britt will be the one going home.

As we all know, Kaitlyn is a...Well, let's just say that we know she's from Canada. We also know that she's not afraid to tell dirty jokes or moon a camera if it gets her a laugh.

Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe dropping trow and showing the North Americas her Canadian ass. 

As usual, the casting call for The Bachelorette brought out the worst that "man" kind has to offer: Ed Hardy t-shirts, personal trainers, aspiring actors/models/musicians, and soccer players.

With that said, let's take a look at Kaitlyn's...I mean Kaitlyn and Britt's prospective men.

First Impressions - A non exhaustive list of the guys on the show this season, and my initial impressions of them from their bio's and social media pages:

Brady Toops - A former baseball player at the University of Arkansas, Brady Toops decided to give up a minor league career in order to move to Nashville and wear "deep-V" shirts...I mean become country singer, which speaks volumes about his character...Only in the worst possible way.

Brady Toops is rumored to have left The Bachelorette in order to date Britt Nilsson after she was not chosen to be The Bachelorette by a majority of the guys.  

Ryan McDill - Ryan McDill is the owner of "All Star Auto Parts," which when you look into it, is really just a junkyard. Given that he works with trash for a living, that makes McDill's long term relationship with Nikki Ferrell (before she won The Bachelor with Juan Pablo) make all that more sense.

Ryan McDill is Nikki Ferrell's ex-boyfriend. You may remember her from when she "won" the right to be Juan Pablo's bitch.

Clint Arlis - A former collegiate wrestler at Illinois, Clint Arlis describes himself as "cocky and confident" and is currently an architectural project engineer in Chicago.

Clint Arlis seems like the type of guy who would come to your party and secretly pee in your ice box when no one was looking. 

Corey Stansell - Corey Stansell once owned a "College Hunks Hauling Junk" franchise, which means that he used to work for Ryan McDill (see above).

I love that Corey Stansell apparently thought so much of his volleyball skills to hash tag his own name on his photos. 

Shawn Booth - Shawn Booth is a former college soccer player who went to become a group fitness trainer in Nashville. His bio indicates that he likes "Bro Country" and One Direction, which seems about right for a soccer player.

As a "bro," we should all pray for Shawn Booth's future.

Ryan Beckett - An "equestrian real estate agent" from Boca Raton, FL, Ryan Beckett lists his hobbies as playing polo, show jumping, golf, tennis and sailing.

Basically Ryan Beckett is the douchey white guy in every John Cusack movie in the 1980's. 

Daniel Finney - Daniel Finney describes himself as a socialite and philanthropist from Nashville, which basically means that he throws keggers and gives his guests cab money to get home. He also has his own clothing and furniture lines where he uses reclaimed materials.

Daniel Finney is obviously just came on The Bachelorette to promote his clothing line, so let's just show his his tablecloths and get it over with. 

Shawn Evans - While he describes himself as a "realtor" from Ontario, Shawn Evans also turns out to be an "amateur sex coach," and while I was afraid to Google what that means, I'm 100% sure it means he has to register with authorities and can't live withing 500 yards of a school or park.

Shawn Evans also bills himself as a "single dad." Unfortunately, his daughter lives with her mother, not him, so while he's technically single, he's not really much of a "dad."

J.J. Lane III - J.J. Lane is a single dad from Denver who describes himself as an entrepreneur.

Unlike Shawn Evans, we have evidence that J.J. Lane III actually gets to see his kid. 

Tanner Tolbert - Tanner Tolbert, an assistant finance manager for Honda in Kansas City, is yet another dude who loves "Bro Country." I don't get it.

Tanner Tolbert: Unlike casting calls for The Bachelor, The Bachelorette apparently didn't require the prospective contestants to take their shirts off. 

Ben Higgins -
 Ben Higgins is business analyst from Denver...That's pretty much it.

Ben Higgins...Not sure how he got on the show.

Ben Zorn - A former football player at San Jose State, Ben Zorn is now a fitness trainer and lists his biggest accomplishment as obtaining his certification as a personal trainer.

Ben Zorn: Becoming a personal trainer is kind of the adult equivalence of passing the Presidential Physical Fitness Test back in grade school. Sure you get a nice certificate, but it doesn't mean anything more than you being able to do the "flex arm hang."  

Bradley Cox - Bradley Cox is a former D-1 collegiate tennis player, and now sells cars in Atlanta.

Bradley Cox said in his bio that he would want to be Tom Brady, so he could play in prime time and go home to have sex with a super model who looks like a dude. 

Chris Strandburg - Currently a dentist in Nashville, Chris Strandburg was once an Abercrombie model and a contestant on The Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency.

So in other words, Chris Strandburg is either gay, or he's covered in Janice Dickenson's stink. Either way, his past is not going to go over well on the show. 

Cory Shivar - Cory Shivar indicated that his biggest fear about a date is finding out that she's really a dude, so he had to be relieved when this year's Bachelorette wasn't Jillian Anderson from last season with Chris Soules.

Cory Shivar graduated Cum Laudie in Construction Management, which is kind of like graduating at the top of your class in psychology...You still didn't really go to college.   

David Blackguy David is a 26-year-old real estate agent in Orlando, which after the housing market crash in central Florida, has to be about as difficult as being one of the token black guys on The Bachelorette.

David I'm not really sure what David's real last name is, and I'm not really sure that he'll be around long enough for me to find out.

Ian Thompson - Ian Thompson went to Princeton, only to settle to become a "recruiter," showing just how bad the economy is these days.

Ian Thompson 

Jared Haibon - Jared Haibon lists himself as an aspiring actor/model, but he's really just a restraurant manager given that he's 26 and still lives in Rhode Island.

Jared Haibon: Somebody got suckered into buying "glamour shots" at the mall!

Joe Bailey - Joe Bailey is an insurance salesman. He also calls himself a racehorse owner, but lives in the part of Kentucky where they don't grow thoroughbreds, so I'm thinking this guy is full of shit.

Joe Bailey apparently got his casting call one year too late, as he's on record as saying, "I would totally appear on The Bachelorette to fall in love with Andi Dorfman. Sadly, that says as much about his taste in women as it does about his intentions for this season. 

Jonathan Holloway - A 33-year-old auto spokesman from Detroit, Jonathan  claims to "Always try to listen to a woman's needs, not just in the bedroom," which is his polite way of saying that he "doesn't go down."

Jonathan Holloway: There are token reality show black guys, and then there are black guys from Detroit. Ever since VH-1 cancelled their dating shows, they all end up on The Bachelorette.

Josh Seiter - Josh is a 27-year-old law student from Chicago.

Josh Seiter is also a stripper by night, proving that some people really do put themselves through law school by stripping, it's just that none of them are women. 

Joshua Albers - Joshua Albers actually majored in theater at Idaho State University, which was his way of trying to tell his friends and family that he was gay before he went to technical college and became a welder.

Joshua Albers, showing the perils of bad tattoos. When you live in cool places, you get talented artists who ink your designs. When you live in Idaho, you get little kids who color starfish and drink coasters on your arms in permanent marker. 

Justin Reich - Justin Reich is a personal trainer and single dad from Illinois.

Given that it looks like he has his son at a monster truck rally, the state of Illinois might want to reconsider Justin Reich's custody arrangement (in fairness to Justin, at least he made his kid wear earphones).

Kupah James - A 32-year-old "Entrepreneur" from Boston, Kupah James apparently thinks that having a Macbook and an iTunes account makes you a D.J.

Is it a coincidence that Kupah James set up his D.J. table along side what appears to be a group of fat white women doing yoga? Yeah, that was a rhetorical question. 

Tony Harris - Tony Harris is a 35-year-old "healer" from St. Louis. If I was on the show, the first thing I would do is punch him in the face.

A "healer" like Tony Harris seems like a better match for somebody like Jenny McCarthy than Kaitlyn Bristowe. 

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