Thursday, June 28, 2012

The Bachelorette Blog - "Swallow it! Swallow it!...It's salty, isn't it?"

Having recently watched the History Channel's Hatfields and McCoys, I began to ponder what role Emily Maynard would have played in the family feud given that she, like the Hatfield family, is a native of West Virginia.

After considering that hypothetical question, I quickly came to the conclusion that Emily would have been the daughter who would have crossed family lines in order to fuck a NASCAR driver.

This week the cast traveled to Dubrovnic, Croatia, where the guys waited in their suite for Emily to meet them, and Ryan unsucessfully sent out applications for the now defunct NFL Europe hoping to extend his career as a low-level "pro" football player.

Ryan continued to look for ways to one-up the other guys, and smugly gloated about the way he greeted Emily. "I put the arm around her. I don't think the other guys noticed that."

Sadly, I'm kind of looking forward to The Bachelor Pad this summer when Ryan inevitably hooks up with Courtney Robertson from the last season of The Bachelor, and they make an incredibly competitive baby with a huge forehead, bad facial hair and a predisposed genetic resistance to chlamydia...Survival of the fittest indeed.

...I'm just hoping that Courtney Robertson and Ryan Bowers' boys turn out to be pretty.
The first 1-on-1 date went to Travis, who unlike Emily, is actually from the south. However, Emily commented that their walk around the streets of Dubrovnik was "certainly not West Virginia, and definitely not Mississippi."

They did manage to find a street performer who played a makeshift banjo like instrument that clearly reminded Emily of Social Security paycheck day back home, which is the biggest day of the month in states like West Virginia and Mississippi where it turns into a carnival like atmosphere.

While their dance may not have been a hoedown, there cetainly was a "ho" getting down. 

Unfortunately for Travis, he was unable to form a bond with Emily over their pseudo "southern" heritage and love for Social Security death benefits (Emily Maynard's big home in Charlotte ain't payin' for itself), and he was sent home without a rose because their relationship never developed romantically.

The Group Date started with some blatant product placement, and ended with the contestants participating in a series of Highland Game events while wearing kilts in the Croatian country side...Because apparently the Highlands of Scotland were booked for the weekend.

After Chris botched his caber toss and exhibited questionable form while shooting the bow and arrow, he foolishly challenged the much stronger Doug in a game of "wrestle the stick," which is not only a Highland Game event, but is also a popular game between fraternity brothers in colleges across the south.

As Doug said, "Chris put out an interesting vibe...His back is arched, his butt is out, and his feet are together." And just like that, The Bachelorette turned into an episode of The Real World-Road Rules Challenge.

Fortunately for Chris, Emily rewarded his stupidity and gave him not only the "Bravery Cup," but also the Group Date Rose over Sean, who not only won all of his events, but literally broke his stick because he tossed it so hard...(That's what she said.)

While Sean said that it didn't bother him that Emily chose Chris for the Bravery Cup over him, he kept bringing it up...Over and over again.

Emily was mad at Arie last week because he didn't have her back in defending her daughter from Kalon's comments, but he got back on her good side by reminding her that he's a famous race car driver.

When Ryan learned that he had been chosen by Emily to go on the second 1-on-1 date, he might have got a little too cocky for his own good.

"I could manipulate the situation, you know. I could go get the girl, I know how to go get the girl. That can come off somewhat arrogant, but I think that it's just me being truthful."

Playing football and having, you know, certain gifts, I look at myself every day when I wake up and say to myself, 'Who do you want to be today?' Most men don't do that."

Wearing a wife-beater/sports bra combination inspired by Paula Deen, Ryan Bowers, the self described "bad boy with an edge" from southern Georgia apparently woke up on this particular day and decided that he wanted to be a douche bag.  

Chris commented on Ryan getting the 1-on-1 Date with Emily. "Ryan's kind of a jackass...It takes the guy three hours to get ready. I mean, he shaves his legs and plucks his finger hairs and stuff. It's weird."

As Emily picked up Ryan for their date, Ryan's antics were so over the top that Wolf (John) blushed that he was "Embarrassed," and Jef rolled his eyes and said, "He's such an idiot."

Referring to the theme of their date being "The world is our oyster," Ryan said, "I'm already thinking that I've got my pearl right here," as he not so subtly sneaked a glance towards Emily's crotch.

On the other hand, Emily was still conflicted about her feelings for Ryan. "If I knew one way or the other, it would be so much easier, but the truth is, I go back and forth hourly."

Unfortunately there's a scientific term for the conflicted emotions that Emily was feeling, and it's called "The Domestic Violence Cycle."

Emily's date with Ryan consisted of oyster fishing. While she seemed fine with the harvesting process, she wanted no part in trying them raw once they got back to shore.

Ryan tried to persuade her by reminding her that they were an aphrodisiac, to which Emily responded by saying, "This ain't exactly putting me in the mood."

Ryan forgot that Emily wasn't with one of his 250 pound ex-high school cheerleaders turned Arena Football groupies when demanded her to, "Swallow it! Swallow it!," and then asked, "It's salty, isn't it?"

Ryan then put on his smooth southern gentleman charm when he told Emily, "God makes a promise to us to give us great things in our life, and you'd be a pretty great promise."

Letting her guard down for just a moment, Emily responded by saying, "Thank you for saying that." 

Ryan then clarified what seemed to be an uncharacteristic romantic statement by saying, "You're like a trophy wife...Every man should believe his wife is a trophy."

With Ryan's comment about being a trophy wife hitting just a little too close to home for Emily, she shot back by saying, "But trophies don't talk back."

Ryan then took his "southern gentleman" persona to the next level by sharing with Emily a list of 12 qualities that he is looking for in a wife that started with "brings me beers," and ended with "not pressing charges when I 'accidentally' hit you."

As appealing as the thought of downgrading from being a trophy girlfriend for three real professional athletes to that of an Arena Football player, Emily realized that Ryan's list of demands did not have anything that specifically translated to a life with her or her daughter.

She therefore nervously informed Ryan that she was not going to give him a rose.

Emily's declaration sent Ryan straight into the Kubler-Ross model of dealing with grief, as evidenced by his comments:
Stage 1. - Denial: "That is very shocking, because I would not have seen that coming."
Stage 2. - Anger: "I'm really shocked that this could be the situation at this point."

The quote may not say anger, but the snarled up lip on Ryan Bower's face says otherwise.

Stage 3. - Bargaining: "Why would you at this point not give me the opportunity to show you the man that I am at this point?"
Stage 4. - Depression: "To spend five minutes with me and I'll tell you that while I've been blessed with worldly gifts. Those (worldly gifts) are not worth being confident in."
Stage 5. - Acceptance: "Losing sucks. Nobody wants to be a loser. Look at me, I'm a winner."
Even the narcisistic Ryan seemed to realize how bad he was going to look on the show, so he resorted to bullying the cast as he was driven to the airport in a limousine. "So, I pray your guys who cut this up do a good job of portraying exactly who I am, and not an arrogant ass."

Ryan had grand delusions about the bonds he formed with the other guys in the house.

"The guys will be shocked. We built great friendships, and I'll see those guys again soon," as they all gave hugs and high fives when they realized that Emily had sent his Dixie ass back home to the land of cotton, or at least back to the land of peanuts, peaches and Vidalia onions.

In regards to Ryan's dillusional aspirations to become the next Bachelor Arie said, "If Ryan's the next Bachelor, The Bachelorette is a mirror."

Meanwhile, Arie snuck up to Emily's room, where he reaffirmed that she made the right decision by getting rid of Ryan. "I feel good that you're such a good judge of character."

Since Emily couldn't officially give Arie a rose since he wasn't supposed to be in her room, she gave him a fake one, which was her way of secretly letting him know that she was going to keep him around. They then proceeded to have sex off camera.

By the time that Emily went on to say, "I really like Arie, I don't know what it is about him," it almost seemed as if she had forgotten that he was a famous race car driver, but not really.

At the Rose Ceremony the final rose came down to Doug and Wolf. However, before handing that rose out, Emily ran off after saying that she couldn't give it away.

After speaking with Chris Harrison, Emily came back shortly before Chris returned and said, "Emily, the extra rose that you asked for."

That kept both Wolf and Doug around to join Arie, Sean and Chris in Emily's final five, making it all the more likely that she'll still be single and working the NASCAR circuit for a sugar daddy come the Daytona 500 next spring.

Monday, June 25, 2012

The Bachelorette Blog - "I wanna go West Virginia hood rat, backwoods on his ass"

This week The Bachelorette traveled to London, England.

In an effort to make Emily seem more sophisticated, we we're treated to her showing the guys around town while painfully trying to read cue cards highlighting historical facts about the city.

Unfortunately for Emily, the British have a white trash class too, they just go by different names. If you relate them to Emily's ex-boyfriends, the urban ones like Jeremy Shockey are called "Chavs," while the rednecks like Dale Earnhardt, Jr. are called "Pikeys."

Emily chose Sean for the first 1-on-1 date, and he proved that he was more than just eye candy by talking about his family and how much he believes in love.

While that kind of conversation would make Sean the most eligible bachelor ever on, it also makes him one of the most boring people to ever appear on The Bachelorette.

Thank God Sean makes up for his personality by taking his shirt off every possible he gets...Kind of like Courtney did on The Bachelor.

Emily and Sean concluded their date at The Tower of London, which she was informed informed him was the same spot where King Henry VIII imprisoned and beheaded two of his wives. Perhaps the location would have been more fitting of the Rose Ceremony, but Sean still managed to pull the 1-on-1 date rose because of his bitchin' abs.

When the Group Date was announced with the quote, "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet," wanna be rich kid Kalon was not happy that he did not get a 1-on-1. "I don't see tomorrow smelling decent at all. To me, it smells like shit."

When the guys finally figured out that the quote was a line from a Shakespearean play Wolf said, "No wonder we didn't know it, we're all a bunch of macho dumb-asses."

Kalon laughed as he said, "You guys realize if you become part of her life, pretty much any date is going to be a group date. It's going to be you, her and Ricki."

The Group Date took place at Stratford-upon-Avon. While I remember it as the place where I was challenged to a long jump duel by a couple of British punks (take that Sid Vicious and Johnny Rotten!), the rest of the world knows it as the birthplace of William Shakespeare.

When the contestants were informed that they were going to dress in costume and re-enact scenes from Romeo and Juliet, Ryan overcompensated and tried to cover up being on the "down low" by making fun of the fact that Arie was chosen to play a female nurse.

"Arie's going to be wearing a dress today and I get to kiss the girl." In regards to his costume, Ryan said, "This is just like a normal Friday night on the town."

Keep in mind that Ryan Bowers was wearing this scarf BEFORE he put on his Shakespeare costume...Apparently he's no stranger to the bar Bulldogs in Midtown Atlanta.

However, Arie ended up embracing his feminine side (which was easy for him to do given that he's Dutch), and won Emily over by being a good sport.

Good God! Apparently Arie's nose isn't the only thing that's crooked...

Apparently confused and thinking that he was auditioning for a role as an actor and not Emily's heart, Kalon took his audition just a tad too seriously, as when Emily came over to check on him, he rudely dismissed her by saying, "We need to get back to rehearsals - you can run along now."

Ryan met with Emily at the cocktail party following the the Group Date, where she called him "trouble." Ryan responded by saying, "I'm kind of trouble in a good way," clearly mistaking her concerns about his sleaziness as a compliment.

Ryan went to say, "In my experience, when a girl tells you you're trouble, and she smiles when she says it, I think sometimes maybe she wants to get in trouble."
Playing this week at Ryan's Date Rape Dinner Theatre, "No Means Yes."

Kalon became bitter when he realized that Emily wasn't even giving him the attention that she'd give to a low level driver in the NASCAR Truck Series when he sarcastically said, "Great, I'll get a chance to talk to an exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting on her at home."

After realizing that Kalon was repeatedly referring to Emily's chubby little daughter as "baggage," Doug decided to enter the "Bachelorette Witness Protection Program" and ratted him out.

After several weeks posing as a sweet "Southern Belle," Emily finally let "the other shoe drop" upon hearing about Kalon's comments and let her true redneck side show.

"I wanna go West Virginia, hood rat, backwoods on his ass!"

When Emily confronted Kalon and asked him if he had anything to say for himself, he defiantly said, "No, not at all." At that point Emily completed her transformation into West Virginia's version of The Incredible Hulk and yelled, "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

Apparently in West Virginia the terms "hood rat" and "backwoods" are synonimous...Except for the part where they refer to two completely different categories of people. 

After the Kalon drama played out, Emily chose Jef for a 1-on-1 date. After receiving etiquette lessons from some British dude named Gene, Emily and Jeff decided to skip out for some traditional British fish and chips as well as a pint of beer.

Assuming that the pint of beer didn't get him ex-communicated from the Mormon Church, Jef is an ideal contestant for The Bachelorette, in that he could win Emily's season, marry her, and still go on to become the next Bachelor while looking to add yet another wife to bring back to Utah.

Emily finally confronted Jef about his failure to make any romantic advancements towards her. Jef wisely took that as a cue to make his move, which ultimately earned him a rose.

When a girl likes Emily Maynard looks at you while running her fingers through her hair, it's her way of telling you that it's time to buy her new extensions.

Back at the Bachelorette Suite, Ryan tried to entertain Emily by putting a spin on Romeo and Juliet by adding a modern translation to some of Shakespeare's classic lines.

Emily was apparently the only person in America who liked the movie Romeo Must Die, as she admitted, "I'm mad at myself for saying it, but I find myself liking him more and more."

Mad at Arie for not having her back and standing up to Kalon for saying what the rest of the contestants were thinking about her handicapped daughter, Emily held-out and made him wait until the final rose at the Rose Ceremony.

That sent Alejandro home, who did not appear to see it coming. "I thought she was finally beginning to see who I was." Sadly, Emily did begin to see Alejandro for he was, and unfortunately for him he was Hispanic... which does not go over well in small southern towns like Charlotte, NC.

And now that Emily has eliminated all of the minorities, we can finally get down to business! Next stop, Oxford, MS, the most segregated place in all of America!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

The Bachelorette Blog - "God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman, you know what I mean?"

Best keyword search from last week that landed on my site: "Is Emily's daughter from the Bachelorette handicapped?"

I don't know if I'm more excited that someone actually put in the effort to Google that thought, or that it actually lead them to my blog, but either way, consider me giddy.

Meanwhile, Chris Harrison began this week's episode by announcing that the contestants would be leaving the Bachelorette Mansion for good, as they'd be embarking on a worldwide tour for the rest of the season.

First stop, Bermuda. Because apparently a lawsuit against the show for discrimination and a "trophy redneck" for a Bachelorette weren't enough, so they decided to throw some good ole' colonial racism into the mix just to complete the prejudicial triple crown. Sen. Robert Byrd would have been proud.

Upon arriving in Bermuda, Doug was selected for a 1-on-1 date. When Arie and the other guys began pushing his buttons about whether he was nervous about not getting a rose, he lost his shit.

"Seriously Arie, like, could you just let it go, bro? Just let it go, man!" And just as Doug stood up to confront Arie, Emily walked into the room.

However, when Doug described what happened to Emily, Doogie played it cool and bragged, "I had just scolded all the boys," referring to the uncomfortable tension that she arrived to.
On their date, Emily decided to send a postcard to Doug's son to return the favor for the letter that "he wrote" to her for their first meeting in the mansion. Of course she asked if his twelve-year-old son wanted to "play LEGO's sometime."

The only way Emily Maynard's request would be age appropriate for a 12-year-old is if the round LEGO pieces could be used to make an approximation of his potential step-mom's fake boobs.
Emily Maynard bikini legs

Emily did voice a concern that Doug was fake by telling him that he was "too good to be true" after Doug told Emily that his ex-girlfriend's biggest complaints probably would have been that he spent too much time with his son or that he didn't wash her car enough.

When Doug narcissistically replied, "That's really sweet of you," she set him straight by saying, "I'm not trying to be sweet."

Emily explained, "I can look back on my relationship and be like, 'Yeah, I probably know his biggest complaints about me,'" which likely included having been nailed in the exhaust pipe by the likes of both Dale Earnhardt, Jr. and Jeremy Shockey.

As their date progressed, Doug's penis arm wrestled with the spirit of his dead grandpa and lost. "I'd really like to give Emily a kiss, but my grandfather always told me, 'you never kiss a girl until they let you know that they really want you to.'"

When Emily later told Chris Harrison that she was disappointed that Doug was yet to kiss her after two dates on the beach, we learned why it's not smart to take romantic advice from your Papaw in what has become a blowjob on demand generation.

The Group Date borrowed a page from the old John Cusack move One Crazy Summer, with a sailboat regatta determining who would earn the affection of Demi Moore...I mean Emily.

Charlie took his team's loss hard, who sobbed on the bus ride back to the Bachelorette Suite, "I'm so embarrassed."

Arie, Jef, Ryan and Kalon's team won, earning them extra time with Emily. Ryan capitalized on that extra time by raising a toast. "To a beautiful day of racing, and a beautiful trophy possible wife." Of course, Emily started laughing before catching on and exclaiming, "Hey!"

Arie took Emily out to the beach where he attempted to lick the Earnhardt off her face. When Emily asked Arie if he had fun he said, "I've never done that before," which was likely a lie considering that he's probably made out with hundreds of groupies as a famous IndyCar driver.

Jef, the entrepreneur/skateboarder from Utah took his time with Emily next, but left her waiting for a kiss.

"I was really hoping he was going to kiss me tonight on the the beach," which would have been the perfect opportunity for a romantic moment if only she still didn't have Arie's saliva frothing from her mouth.

Jef did end up getting the Group Date Rose, proving that Mitt Romney just might have a chance of carrying the state of West Virginia after all.

Apparently the Mormons have relaxed their policy on wearing pants...

Emily confronted Ryan about some of his "Ryanisms" such as, "Ya ain't cheatin', ya ain't trying," "I'll love you, but I won't love on ya," "You best get your butt to the gym," and "God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman, you know what I mean?"

Ryan playfully defended himself by saying, "But it's kind of flirtatious too," because he apparently confused to meaning of the word "flirtatious" with the word "demeaning."

If they had an NFL for white people, Ryan Bowers might not have been half bad...Oh wait, that's exactly why they made the Arena Football League...Well that, and to trick poor kids from the south into thinking that their parents actually took them to real professional sporting events.

Jealous of Emily's relationship with Arie, Ryan continued to talk down to Emily.

"There's going to be tons of young ladies who are going to watch you and see how you respond to men, and how you treat them...and how you hold yourself to a high standard. We had to sit there and watch you and Arie kissin'."

Of course, instead of telling Ryan to fuck off and sending has ass back to rural 1950's Georgia, Emily actually ended up apologizing to him.

Next up was a "loser leaves town match," with Wolf and Nate competing for one rose on a 2-on-1 date.

Wolf let us all know that his biological clock is ticking when he said, "I'm at the time of my life, I'm 30-years-old, my friends are engaged, married. Two of my best friends now have kids...So I'm ready to find the woman I'm going to marry.

On the other hand, Nate began crying during dinner, giving Emily a taste of what it's like when Ryan is secretly dating two different women who have their "mensies" synced.

Needless to say, Emily chose the lesser of two evils and sent Nate home by saying that he was too young, which was just her way of saying that he was neither rich, an athlete, nor a NASCAR driver.

Back at the Bachelor Suite, Ryan let his true intentions for being on the show be known. "Isn't it great whenever you're able to like use a position like this?"

"We're all here to spend time with Emily, but (when) this whole thing is done, if it doesn't work out for me, I'll get involved with the media back home and gonna say, 'let's do The Bachelor Ryan, Bachelor Augusta," which conjures up images of girls with black eyes nervously asking Ryan if he'll  accept their beer.

However, Emily seemed to be on to Ryan." He's a little bit manipulative. He may think that he has me wrapped around his finger, but..." Of course, she still gave him a rose, which made me think about filing a preemptive DVO application on her behalf.

When Chris confronted Doug back at the suite as to why he thought he was the better man for Emily after calling him immature earlier in the day, Doug responded by saying, "I never said I was."

When Chris persisted, Doug shot back, "Chris, I think you're kind of being immature right now...You're kind of coming at me right now, and I don't know why."

After being the one who began the confrontation with Doug for no apparent reason, Chris decided to let him know that he isn't going to stand for that happening ever again.

"I just want to let you know man...I'm never, ever going to stand down to you," To which Doug dismissed him by saying, "You don't get my competitive juices flowing at all."

Chris went on to explain why he hates Doug. "I just don't believe you...You in general. The way you are. The way you act...You're over the top humble, over the top...That's kind of something that pisses me off."

So there you have it. Emily was right, Doug is just too good to be true.

The Final Rose ended up going to Alejandro, sending Charlie and some guy with long hair back home.

Seriously, who the fuck was this guy?

Next week we find out who infuriated Emily by calling her "handicapped" little daughter "baggage." Judging by the voice in the teaser, I'm guessing that it was Wolf.