BBB13 (Blogging Big Brother 13) - "I love a foam party as much as the next girl..."

Click here to get my most up to date Blogging Big Brother 13 posts

So this week during Big Brother I saw an ad for a new online dating service called BlackPeopleMeet.com." My first impression upon seeing that commercial was, "This is going to make a shitload of money!" My second thought? "It's going to take approximately 12 seconds until some Tea Party member asks why they don't they have a WhitePeopleMeet.com," not realizing that was the original name for EHarmony. Besides, white people already have farmers' markets and Ole Miss University as racially exclusive places to go to meet their future spouses or one night stands.

Okay, back to Big Brother. With Shelly and Adam nominated for eviction, Shelly confronted Rachel by saying, "Don't do your squintin' and guintin'...you're not going to intimidate me." I'm not sure if "squintin' and guintin" is an actual phrase that Shelly made up or if she lifted it from a track on the new Montgomery Gentry album, but she took things further when she blasted Rachel by saying, "I hate people who lie!" Now, Rachel may be a lot of things - the most annoying woman alive, Vegas Pole Dancer of the Year - 2004-2005, and the nation's largest DNA receptacle this side of the FBI's sex offender database - but she really didn't lie to or about Shelly in any way when she exposed her proposed alliance with Jeff and Jordan.

At the Power of Veto Competition the contestants played a modified version of the game cornhole, with Rachel and Brendon having to sit-out after not getting their names drawn to play. The house guests also had to dress up in wife beaters and overalls, which caused Jordan to expose an embarassing detail about Jeff when she babbled, "Jeff looks like a boy band back in the 90's - when they wore the overalls and tried to show their muscles...Jeff likes boy bands. Jeff goes to his buddy's garage and he'd sing me boy band songs...Don't show this, he'll get mad"

After Jordan got done putting makeup over her black eye and apologizing to Jeff, Adam asked Jeff (who was said to be the best player in the house in their backyard games) to intentionally lose the contest so he could win. When Dani agreed to throw the contest, Jeff also bowed out after she assured him that Rachel and Brendon would be her targets if Adam took himself off the block.

After the POV Competition, Shelly was forced to go into 24 hours of solitary confinement as part of the reward/punishment that she received. The reward was a call from her 8-year-old daughter, who later gave the audience her analysis of the game. "If I was on the show with her, I would probably be like, 'what are you doing mom, you're gonna get yourself killed off.'" She went on to reason, "I understand that she doesn't want me to get all upset, but she kind of needs to stop lying and pick a side."

First of all, I don't really understand why Shelly's daughter speaks perfect English when her mom talks in some sort of distorted white trash dialect that can only be understood by NASCAR crew chiefs and the hot blond who won The Bachelor last year, but at 8-years-old she already has a better grasp of the game than her mom does. She even rolled her eyes and snarked, "Shut up Rachel!" when her mom was nominated for eviction...which makes me believe that she's the catty and witty voice that Big Brother has been lacking all summer.

After the POV Competition, Rachel and Brendon tried to cut a deal with Daniele. When Daniele instead made a deal with Jeff and Jordan and put Brendon up as the replacement nominee for Adam he boasted, "I didn't fight my way back in just to get evicted one more time. Nobody is going to evict me twice in the same summer. Good luck Daniele." Dani had other ideas, saying, "Brendon's going to go home, the smallest girl evicting the biggest guy...twice!"

Rachel tried to smooth things over by approaching Porsche, who totally blew her off like a bitchy teenage girl. "Last time that I did vote to keep him, it didn't benefit me in any way. That whole week it was just like you, Jeff and Jordan, like, off on your own, so I was like totally left out. Like, why would I want to keep him now?" Porsche left Rachel speechless when she said, "Don't be all like boo-hoo face now," in response to Rachel making a crunched up face as if she was trying to figure out if her cat had secretly taken a shit on the floor. "That's not a threat...Big smiles?"

Rachel continued to cop an attitude when Jeff and Jordan informed her that it wouldn't be in their best interest to vote for Brendon in the event it was clear that he didn't have the votes to stay in the house. This caused Jeff to snap back, "Rach, I'm telling you, I'm going to be honest with you. If you're gonna bring that attitude...to me, and look at me like that when I've done nothing to hurt you and everything to help you...there's going to be a problem moving forward."

The house voted 5-1 to send Brendon back to the jury house, with Rachel the only one voting to keep him. Of course, Brendon once again went out of his way to reference that he is in the Physics Department at UCLA as he prepared to exit the house, which has to be the worst academic program in the country this side of UNLV's work study program through their College of Couch Dancing and Cocoa Butter, from which Rachel graduated with High Honors.

In response to Brendon leaving the house Dani quipped, "Finally, Brendon's gone forever. The guy's been evicted three times in one year, I think that's hilarious!" As Brendon left the house to the standard cheers that all contestants receive from the live studio audience, Rachel taunted Daniele by saying, "Same amount of cheers as last time, huh Dani? Seems like America likes him." Dani, looking somewhat puzzled, simply said, "I've never said America doesn't like him."

Personally, I find it hard to believe that America does like Brendon. I still question the results of the "America's Vote" that brought him back into the house. In fact, let's get Al Gore looking into whether Brendon really did receive more votes than Cassi, or whether bringing him back into the house was just a ratings ploy by CBS...That way Gore could say that he was associated with at least one recount that had some sort of merit.

The Head of Household Competition required the contestants to fill a large bowl with cups of soap while walking back and forth on a Slip n' Slide like surface. After being doused with suds that fell from above Rachel exclaimed, "I love a foam party just as much as the next girl, but I don't know if I can handle this much foam," which is rather difficult to believe given that Rachel has been chin deep in spermicide on a daily basis since she was at least 13-years-old.

Kalia attempted to talk to Jeff in order to make peace with him, although he abrubtly informed her that she had sealed her fate when she nominated him against his wishes the week before. Porsche also awkwardly approached Jeff, much to his amusement. "Today, being day forty-nine, Porsche came to me - let me get a minute, because it's hilarious - and tried to talk game for the first time in forty-nine days." With Kalia and Porsche officially getting nominated, Daniele agreed to throw the POV to the delight of Jeff and Jordan, who were considering backdooring her as a potential replacement nominee.

Big Brother 13 Power Ratings - Each week I rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after week 6:

8. Kalia - As a consolation prize for losing the POV Competion, Kalia received a Caribbean vacation, although anyone who finished ahead of her could have taken it from her in return for the prize that they drew had they chosen to do so. This caused Kalia to say, "If you take this vacation from me it's going to be a ho-down, 'cause a Ho's gonna be down." Not a great quote from Kalia...but at least she's starting to give me something to work with. You can play again next week...then again, maybe not given that she seems to be Jeff's target.

7. Porsche - Porsche is treating her time in the Big Brother house like every freshman girl who's attended summer classes at the University of Indiana....she's spending all of her time eating, drinking and lying out in the sun, and none of her time on the reasons why she's actually supposed to be there. By the time she leaves the house she'll have gained 50 pounds and be totally undateable for anyone who doesn't have a fetish for large heffers...just like all the women who attended IU.


This Porsche might want to adjust one of her headlights, because I think the one on the right is just about ready to go out.

6. Adam - Adam is still playing both sides of the house, and sooner or later it's going to get him in trouble. In fact, I think it's probably too late for him to do anything about it. He might want to spend the rest of his time in the house playing up his "Heavy Metal Teddybear" shtick in hopes of parlaying it into an apprenticeship with "Evel Dick" as a middle aged male rock n' roll groupie.

5. Shelly - Even though she's not a lesbian, if you were making a movie that called for a lesbian gym teacher I would think that Shelly would be your prototype model for casting one. I have to admit that I've enjoyed watching Shelly call out Rachel, especially since she was completely in the wrong. Shelly might be getting a little too full of herself given that she has been riding the coattails of Jeff/Jordan and Rachel/Brendon the entire game, so she probably needs to bite her tongue if she wants to stay in the game much longer.

4. Rachel - As Brendon left the house, Rachel's taped message to him said, "Don't hate, because I'm going to make it further than you did last season." My hope is that Rachel's nasty and competitive side comes back now that Brendon's gone, as I really think that he was holding her back this year by trying to make her act like less of a party girl and more like a wife. Let's face it, you can't make Rachel something that she's not. While she may never be liked by America, as long as someone keeps feeding her tequila shots every 20 minutes there's going to be a happy ending. That happy ending might involve a role as a villain in another reality show, or it might involve a 55-year old man in Vegas for a Shriners' Convention...but one way or another there's going to be a happy ending.

Rachel's future is entirely dependent upon tequila, and there's nothing Brendon can do that's ever going to change that.

3. Daniele - If memory serves me correctly, Daniele was a college student when she first appeared on Big Brother 8. Now that she's on Big Brother 13, she's still listed as a college student. Clearly, she's not a PHD candidate like Brendon, or she would have told us by now, but I am a little curious to know exactly what it is she's been studying for this long. Perhaps she's in Beauty School, which would explain her transformation from a platinum blond to a brunette since the last time she was on the show. Right now Daniele has a delicate alliance with Jeff and Jordan, but I wouldn't be surprised if they backdoored her if the opportunity presents itself given that she's played a stronger game than the rest of her competition.

2. Jeff - I like how Jeff, who got outed for being a homophobe earlier this season, got exposed for liking boy bands. He's also worn matching tank tops and talked about shaving his pubes with Brendon, and refers to himself as "Big Jeff." Just throwing this out there, but isn't it funny how the people who scream the loudest against gays and gay rights are the ones who frequently end up being gay themselves?

Jeff and Lance Bass may have more than one thing in common than just their outfits and taste in music.

1. Jordan - The Big Brother subplot of the summer has involved Jordan keeping the viewers up to date on her gastrointestinal problems. This week she informed us that "spicy food and I don't get along," which is nothing that we couldn't have figured out on our own. I do feel sorry for everyone who has been locked in the house with her this summer. If Jordan does end up winning Big Brother, CBS might have to set-aside part of her winnings in order to set up a fund for the other contestants who were exposed to her constant emissions...either that or she's going to have to work out a "cap and trade" with Cassi, who's clearly never farted in her life.  

Now Rachel, on the otherhand, has been known to make some "string music."

BBB13 (Blogging Big Brother 13) - "I can't take anymore women crying...you guys have your periods?"

Click here to get my most up to date Blogging Big Brother 13 posts

Things started to get interesting this week, both in terms  twists and some questionable game strategy.

We had players volunteering to be evicted in order to leave the house in order to seek the elusive Mobile, Alabama leprechaun, oops, I mean some sort of Big Brother "Special Power." We also had evicted house guests returning to the house. Last, but not least, we had a former contestant returning to the show to provide some much needed guest analysis in order to make-up for what is probably the least personable cast in Big Brother history, at least when it comes to witty one-liners.

If you watch closely, you can see Lawon at the 33 second mark.

With Kalia as Head of House, Porsche immediately abandoned her "alliance" with Rachel and made friends with her and Daniele, kind of like how all the girls kissed ass in the movie Heathers whenever a new bitch came into power. This caused Rachel, Jordan and homophobe Jeff to shun Porsche, who would obviously not be the type of father who would "love my dead gay son."

Jeff and Jordan threatened Kalia by saying that they would target her if she nominated Jeff for eviction, even though Rachel was her real target. They reasoned that with the evicted house guest having the potential to return back to the house, she was in a no-win situation if she tried to break-up their alliance with Rachel and Brendon.

While Kalia admitted that she was rattled by Jeff and Jordan's threats, she nominated Jeff and Rachel by explaining:

"I have nominated the two of you for eviction. The last week has been hell for a lot of reasons, the cattiness, the talking behind people's backs. In the end, the people...you pointed to in those pictures, they taught me to be a strong person and make the decision that is best for me, and they would never, ever want me to lay down and let someone make a decision for me. So that's where everyone else in the house who thinks I'm making someone else's decision, I'm making my own."

At nominations, Rachel "shadowed" Daniele and invaded her space by intentionally pressing against her. This caused Dani to snap, "Is this serious, does she have to be sitting on my lap and touching my foot?" Ironically, that is almost exactly what Rachel said to one of her "clients" when she was working at the strip club back home in Vegas.

Rachel's behavior caused Kalia to lecture her by saying, "The reason you're on the block is because you're immature, catty and ridiculous, and your behavior ...is "Example A" of why you're up there." Shelly tried to intervene by pleading with Rachel, "Stop chasing her...please, you have more class than this," which was just yet another example of Shelly telling bold faced lies in this game.

As Rachel moped and cried to her alliance, Jordan became tired of being her babysitter. "Brendon used to be the one to manage Rachel. Now, since (he's) gone, I have taken (that) role...and believe me, it's tough work." When Jordan was the one who began to break down about having to deal with Rachel to Jeff, it caused him to say in exasperation, "Oh my God, I can't take anymore women crying...you guys have your periods?"

The Power of Veto Competition consisted of the contestants having to roll a ball up and down a table with a V-shaped slope 300 times, catching it on the other side before it fell to the ground in order to avoid having to start over. Strangely, while one would think that Kalia would have wanted to win the POV after she was threatened by Jeff and Jordan, she quit playing in order to cheer Jeff on, who was in a relatively tight contest with Adam. While Adam at one point had a convincing lead, he ended up choking it away at the very end, giving Jeff the POV, which allowed him to take himself down from the nomination block.

Clearly afraid of Jeff and Jordan, Kalia idiotically assured them that she would not put Jordan on the nomination block in place of Jeff. In fact, she didn't even ask them for anything in return even though she was the one in power, and they were the ones negotiating from a position of weakness. Of course, as soon as he ended his conversation with Kalia Jeff said, "I want Kalia to be stupid enough to put up one of her own."

While Kalia was still wrestling with the idea of appeasing Jeff and Jordan, Lawon approached her and volunteered himself as a replacement nominee. His reasoning? "I'm okay with being evicted, because I am thinking that I might come back with special powers...HOW YA LIKE ME NOW?" He later elaborated further when he said, "I don't mind being evicted this week, because I know THE TWIST will bring me back more powerful than EVER!"

I think poor old "Obi-Lawon Kenobi" should have kept his light saber in his pants. First of all, it was only announced that there was a possibility that the house guest eliminated this week could come back. Secondly, there was nothing said at all that would even lead anyone to infer that the eliminated house guest would receive any type of "super power," even if they were lucky enough to return to the house.

Kalia and Daniele took Lawon's offer as an opportunity to put him up as a replacement nominee in order to avoid upsetting the Rachel-Jeff/Jordan alliance. This caused Jeff to say, "Kalia nominated one of her own people. Either she's very intelligent...or she's so stupid it put the numbers even more in our favor. My vote goes for stupid." To add insult to injury, after Lawon was unanimously voted out 6-0, Connie Chung announced to the viewers, "What he doesn't know, is there is no 'special power.'"

In desperate need of a witty and sarcastic voice, CBS brought back Ragan (a contestant from Big Brother 12) to offer his thoughts on this year's game. While Ragan probably dropped the most hilarious and vicious verbal assault on Rachel in the history of reality television last summer (see below), he not only admitted that they are now friends, but that he will also be in her wedding to Brendon. Ragan explained how Rachel was "crybernating" when she was depressed and crying in her room after being nominated for eviction, which is the term he came up with for when "the sassy, feisty, in your face Rachel goes away for a few days." Seriously, if Ragan wasn't gay, he and Brittney Haynes (also from Big Brother 12) could have produced the most sarcastically mean children ever given birth to. While I'm still holding out hope for an artificially inseminated fag-hag love child, at least America has Melissa Rivers as a consolation prize.

In an upset to common sense, but not ratings for CBS, Connie announced that America had voted to give Brendon a chance to play his way back into the house over the next closest vote-getter, Dominic. Sadly, it never even occurred to me that anyone other than Cassi would be the one re-entering the house...I guess Lawon and I must have been drinking out of the same  "pimp-chalice" crunk glass.

In a relatively simple competition between Lawon and Brendon to grab balls with the names of all 14 house guests that had been shot into the yard and roll them into a hole, Lawon slowed down and appeared to give up after Brendon took an early lead. Brendon easily won the competition, thereby sending Lawon out of the game and thereby securing the title of "best ball grabber" in the Big Brother house.

Lawon's decision to volunteer himself not just as a replacement nominee, but also to be evicted will go down as one of the worst moves in the history of reality TV. It ranks just ahead of the long haired kid in Survivor who got talked out of his Immunity Idol, and just behind the little guy in American Idol who quit after the first season and gave Ryan Seacrest sole control of the show's hosting duties, Dick Clark's New Year's Eve gig, and the title of "America's Most Eligible Bachelor."

Upon Brendon re-entering the house, Rachel, Jeff, Jordan, Adam and Shelly all gathered hand-in-hand while jumping up and down in what Shelly called a "love circle," which made Rachel feel like she was back at home with a bunch of naked dudes. Jordan was particularly happy, proclaiming, "I don't have to babysit Rachel anymore, I feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders!"

In what appeared to be a no-win situation for Daniele and Kalia (with Kalia forced to sit out the HOH competition as last week's winner), the four "Veterans" were the first four eliminated in the Head of Household Competition where they had to come the closest to guessing the number of random objects representing their home states. When Shelly and Adam subsequently bowed out, that left Daniele and Porsche as the last two left, with Daniele ending up winning.

When Shelly became upset when she overheard Porsche and Kalia calling her out for playing both sides, they told her how Rachel ratted her out for trying to make a deal to take her to the end along with Brendon. This caused Shelly to call Rachel a liar, which was ironic since the viewers saw her trying to make that deal on video replay.

With Dani having won HOH, Rachel and Brendon approached her to offer a deal. Knowing that they would be her target, they offered her a secret alliance all the way to the final three. Even though they all expressed doubts whether they could trust each other, Daniele apparently accepted their offer, as she nominated Adam and Shelly for eviction.

After Shelly was nominated she complained, "I feel like a fool. I'm absolutely furious that Rachel would blatantly lie. It's just disgusting. I just can't believe what comes out of her mouth." Interestingly, what came from Rachel's mouth wasn't any more disgusting than the lies that Shelly's been spewing the entire game...aside from dried up cum remnants from the 40 douche bags wearing "Tap Out" t-shirts that she gave blow jobs to prior to the MMA event that came to Vegas to just before she came on the show.

Big Brother 13 Power Ratings - Each week I rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after week 5:

9. Shelly - Shelly Moore's lyin' and a cheatin' ways have finally caught up to her, as she's finally been called out for playing both sides. As a result, she's now lost everyone's trust. She did have a nice response to Connie's comment about the many tears that were shed in the house over the past week when she stated, "We're going to get Adam crying reall soon...we might have to shave something else off."

8. Kalia - After learning that Brendon was returning the house, Kalia sobbed, "Everything I did was for nothing!" Fortunately for Kalia, Lawon's decision to volunteer himself for eviction took all the heat off of her for the most stupid game play of the year. Still, Kalia's not only made enemies in Jeff and Jordan, but her decision to leave the "Veteran" alliance intact caused her biggest ally Daniele to potentially strike a secret side deal with Kalia's two biggest opponents.

7. Adam - This week Adam shaved his beard and did a strip-tease while shedding his elf suit. Strangely, of the two, I think I was more intrigued by him shaving off his beard. Does that mean I might have a shaving fetish? To paraphrase Phineas and Ferb - Yes, yes it does. In a clip that did not make the air, Adam apparently told Dani that "If your dad was here, he could've hooked up with Shelly," to which she replied, "Gross!"

6. Porsche - Completely clueless to what's going on, and with her ass either growing exponentially or her bikini bottoms shrinking by the episode, Porsche could stand to benefit from Daniele's new alliance with Brendon and Rachel if their agreement holds. Speaking of clueless, Porsche concocted a nasty drink to try to fool her competitors in the Have/Have-Not Competition. She explained that her drink consisted of "carrots and yams, and I (tried) to offset it with a little bit of onions, because I'm not sure what onions taste like." Porsche probably would have been much more confident in her palette had Big Brother only offered her "Head of Household's ass" as one of her flavor options, because she clearly knows exactly what that tastes like.

Porsche is either gaining weight, carrying Hasselhoff's baby, or she just really has to poop.

5. Daniele - Strangely, I almost think that Daniele potentially turning her back on Kalia and secretly uniting with Rachel and Brendon could be a good thing for her, kind of like when Sarah Palin sold out John McCain and parlayed her potential Vice Presidency into a reality show on the "Versus" network...wait, never mind.

4. Brendon - I'm guessing that Brendon proposed the secret alliance between Daniele, Rachel and himself. If so, it was an extreme power move, as it would give him the power to decide whether to ride that alliance to the end, or screw Daniel over and continue on with Jeff and Jordan. I am curious as to why, in spite of all the fireworks that have gone on in the house, nobody has thrown the fact that Brendon went all "Brett Favre" and Skyped pictures of his junk to some random women after last season. It's almost like Rachel has effectively put a gag order on his cock, which would be kind of funny coming from somebody who no longer has a gag reflex.

3. Rachel - As Rachel was ridiculed by her housemates for her immature behavior after being nominated, she unknowingly came up with the most rhetorical question in Big Brother history when she sobbed, "Why are people constantly making personal attacks at me if it's just a game. It's just a game, yet I'm catty and bitchy. I make everyone in the house miserable. Why would you say that?"

2. Jeff - At one point this week, Jeff tried to repair his relationship with Shelly, which lead to this awkward exchange:

Shelly:    "We're 100% good."
Jeff:        "Let's make sure we're 110%."
Shelly:    "We are."
Jeff:        "Should we make out?"
Shelly:     (trying not to sound interested) "No, we should not."

1. Jordan - During the Have/Have-Not Challenge Jordan wondered, "Can you eat coconuts, or do you drink coconuts?" Rachel quickly chimed in and said, "You eat the nut, and you drink the milky white stuff that comes from the inside." Okay, maybe Rachel didn't say that, but she certainly is an expert when it comes to sucking the creamy goodness that comes from all things that are round, brown and seemingly covered in hair.



BBB13 (Blogging Big Brother 13) - "...but you can SUCK IT"

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Last week we left off with the Head of Household Competition still in progress. With Daniele needing to win that contest in order to avoid being nominated for eviction, an overly enthusiastic Rachel (who could not compete this week as the incumbant HOH) acted out a bouncy cheer with arm gestures for Brendon, who was struggling to stay on his skis. This caused Daniele to deadpan, "I wanted to throw up. I wasn't a big fan of cheerlaeders in high school...no offense."

Unfortunately for Rachel, Brendon quickly dropped out of the contest. While she tried to console him, she voiced her true thoughts in the diary room. "On the outside I'm pretending like everything's okay...but on the inside, I'm like, BRENDON! Why couldn't you just pull this off?"

First of all, the Rachel we knew from last season would have totally said that to Brendon't face just to make him feel like shit for fucking up her game. This year, she's biting her tongue because she's all concerned with being "liked" by America. While Rachel may be the slowest person in the history of the world at responding to insults from other people (her go-to move is staring blankly back with her jaw agape until she starts to cry), her redeamable talent as a reality show villain was her ability to neuter the otherwise cocky and arrogant Brendon on national TV last season. While she is only expressing her true thoughts about him in private so far this season, at least the Rachel that we all loved to hate is slowly beginning to chisel off her caked on makeup and show her acne ridden face. So let's keep hope alive and give Rachel a great big - WOO, TEQUILA!

Yep Brendon, it doesn't take a PHD student to see that this is only going to get better now that you're engaged. Congrats buddy!

As Rachel/Brendon and Jeff/Jordan not-so-secretly cheered Shelly on in the HOH Competition, Kalia caught on and asked, "Did they get to you?" While she denied it to Kalia's face, Shelly stated how she's "got to stay on this wall to protect my alliance and protect myself" in private to the camera. I would call Shelly out for yet another lie, but apparently her fibs don't count when she's on leave from her double-wide trailer-palace.

Daniele held true to her word last week and won HOH, afterwhich she blurted out, "I'M BACK IN THE GAME FOLKS!" She also proved prophetic when she predicted that Rachel would claim that she would have won HOH had she been allowed to compete. "If I was on there I would totally beat them all," she said while doing an imitatation Rachel. Shortly thereafter the real (but mostly plastic) Rachel said, "Not only have I been working my abs out everyday, but I've also been working out my shoulders (and) my arms. I really think that I would have been a fierce competitor in this competition." Daniele's fake Rachel quote ended up winning out over Rachel's real quote, if for no other reason than she concluded hers with a great big, "BUT YOU CAN SUCK IT!" at the end.

Following the HOH Competition, Kalia attempted to make amends with Rachel even though she was in power by virtue of her de facto alliance with Daniele. When Kalia came to her and said, "I swear with you, I have no beef, I promise," Rachel just snapped at her and said, "So crazy." Kalia again tried to defuse the situation by saying, "I just basically tried to say I'm sorry," but Rachel interrupted and said, "I've never done anything to you, you take it out for no reason!"

For the life of me, I can't figure out what made Rachel get so catty with Kalia in the first place since she poses no alpha female threat. Kalia's not much better looking than she is, nor is she even a half way decent game player. I guess it must have been because Kalia's black...meaning Rachel's either prejudiced or just jealous of Kalia for having the bigger dick.

Jeff and Jordan attempted to strike a deal to avoid being nominated by offering Daniele a one week truce in return. Brendon and Rachel also went to Daniele's room to "apologize," which did little to make amends with Daniele. You know things did not end well on the old "you can trust us train" when their conversation ended with Brendon saying, "This isn't an awkward hug, this is a real hug." Somehow I almost think that I believe Brendon in some distorted way, as I think he's had more than his fair share of "awkward hugs" throughout the years from priests, his estranged father, Louie Anderson, and youth hockey coaches.

After Daniele nominated Rachel and Brendon for eviction, Brendon attempted to console Rachel by saying, "You have big things in here (not so ironically pointing to her fake boobs before correcting himself), well, it's actually lower. It's right behind your mediastinum. You know I know that because I'm a PHD student, right?...I'm going to invent something that's going to help cure cancer, I'm going to patent it and then we'll make money for the rest of our lives." Obviously on board for all the right reasons (meaning multiple plastic surgeries), Rachel cheered up and sniffled, "I want $500,000," just like my six-year old asks for a peanut butter cup whenever he's feeling sad.

When Daniele approached Rachel in order to explain that her nominations were not personal, Rachel challenged her. "It definitely doesn't seem like that. I don't understand the purpose of you saying that it's not personal, yet you come after myself and my fiance." Dani shot back, "Yeah, but you made deals with Dominic and you made deals with me and then went back on it, didn't tell me, told Jeff, and turned them against me." I'm not quite sure if Rachel truly agreed or just realized that she had no power in which to argue, but she actually told Daniele that she was right. Brendon then got jealous of Daniele for being able to put Rachel in her place and stabbed her with a POV symbol (kidding, just kidding)

The Power of Veto Competition consisted of a combination of prior games, only the houseguests had to blindly bid on who could complete each game the fastest. The person guessing the lowest time would have to complete that task in that time frame that they bid in order to avoid being eliminated, with the person who bid the slowest time subject to being eliminated in the event that the player completed their task in the bid upon time. In the finals, Brendon dramatically sank a mini-golf putt with only a second or two left in order to earn the POV that he and Rachel so badly craved.

For some reason Brendon elected not to tell the house that he was going to use the POV on Rachel instead of himself, or as he tried to explain, "Daniele, you spent all week building this beautiful house of cards, and what did I do? I just took one little flick at one card and it all came tumbling down." That was brilliant strategy by Brendon...aside from the fact that taking Rachel off the block instead of himself played exactly into Daniele's plans to put Jordan up as a "pawn" nominee, knowing full well that the house would never vote to send Jordan home over Brendon.

Even though she gushed, "I feel like a fairy tale princess right now" when Brendon used the POV and removed her from the nomination block, Rachel quickly began pouting acting like she was the one being wronged and about to go home. This caused Jeff to complain, "I don't know how I'm going to deal with Rachel when there's no Brendon in this house, she's whining and screaming his name, and every fruit and vegetable that she looks at reminds her of Brendon. I'm going to rip my hair out."

After Porsche confronted Rachel and told her to pull herself together so the rest of the house didn't make her an even bigger target, Rachel stormed off crying. When Brendon asked if he made a mistake by taking himself off the block instead of her, Rachel replied, "Yes, you did. You made a mistake by ever asking me to marry you...I ruin everything...when I get out of the house this summer people are gonna hate me more...I'm not ever going to get a job...I'm not even that smart." All I can say is that she pretty much hit the nail on the head. At least Brendon can't ever complain that she didn't warn him.

In a predictable Eviction Ceremony, Brendon was voted off 5-2, with only Rachel and Porsche voting in his favor. Julie Chen announced a new twist to the game, telling the houseguests to wisely consider their next eviction, as that player will have an opportunity to return to the game. What she didn't tell them is that all of the first four houseguests who had been voted out had been sequestered and would have a chance to play their way back into the house based upon an "America's vote," which means that I still have another chance of hearing Cassi's sweet, sweet southern voice one more time.

In yet another predictable outcome to a "must win" HOH Competition, Kalia prevailed, which will give Daniele and herself at least one more week to build new alliance members and re-establish themselves in the game.

Big Brother 13 Power Ratings - Each week I rank the Big Brother contestants based upon their power and vulnerability within the house. Here's how the contestants break down after week 4:

9. Rachel - I just noticed this week that Rachel's profession is listed as an "Event Hostess." Apparently that's the new politically correct term for a "Vegas Madam." Either that or she's seating customers for the strip club/buffet at Treasures in Las Vegas. In any event, with Brendon gone Rachel's time in the house is all but over. I'm not saying she won't win another HOH and stick around for a few weeks for the sake of better ratings per the mandate of CBS executives, but I am willing to bet she has little or no chance of winning.

If Heidi Fleiss and Kathy Griffin were ever to breed, the spawn of that unholy union would be Rachel Reilly. Seriously, these photos cascaded  like a food pyramid of disgusting thoughts.

8. Porsche - During the HOH Competition Porsche complained, "My pain is not in my armpits like the other couple girls, it's more in my shoulder right here (as she pointed to her elbow). Interestingly, when Porsche wants to get her girl parts checked, she schedules an appointment with her chiropractor. Fortunately, Porsche seems to be equally oblivious to the fact that she will soon be going home now that the Rachel/Brendon alliance that she hand-cuffed herself to has been broken up.

7. Shelly - For some reason Shelly is fighting to preserve what is at best the fourth spot in a five person alliance (along with Jeff, Jordan, Rachel and Porsche), when she could instead team with Daniele and the rest of the "Newbies" and have equal numbers and a better shot of sticking around until the end of the game. Then again, you get what you pay for when your college degree is a B.S. in Hunting Hospitality from Eastern Kentucky University.

6. Adam - The more I listen to him, the more Adam sounds like Adam Richman of Man vs. Food on the

Travel Channel. It guess it must be a New York-New Jersey/Adam/Jewish thing. Adam is doing as good of a job as one can playing both sides without getting called on it to this point, but sooner or later he needs to make a power move.

5. Lawon - "This boy right here, Lawon, I ain't never skied before! So you know I was like, uh-oh, because I am a competitor!" While I don't quite know what the hell Lawon was trying to say here, I'm pretty sure that if he ends up winning Big Brother, it'll be because of the help that he unknowingly received from the cat in Hong Kong Phooey.   

...because Lawon sounds like a slightly gayer and cracked-out version of Scatman Crothers' voice-over for Hong Kong Phooey.

4. Jeff - Jeff remains strong in this game. He gave up very little in making a deal with Daniele, and still seems shrewd enough to break his word and stab her in the back next week if given the opportunity. On top of that, he came up with the best one-liner of the week in response to Adam having to wear an elf costume as a punishment following his elimination from the HOH Competition. "In all of the pictures I had in my head of elves as the North Pole as a little kid, none of them chain smoked."

Sadly, this is what happens to unmotivated elves during a lockout...I just hope that Adam doesn't tear his achilles in his first competition after a new CBA is reached.

3. Jordan - You all know that I'm hoping that Cassi gets a chance to come back (actually I'm still hoping that Annie Whittington is still in the mix to return as was once rumored last season), as I think she could pair up with Jordan, Jeff and Shelly and make a big run.

She may have only lasted one week last year, but Annie is still my all-time favorite Big Brother contestant.

2. Kalia - Upon evicting Brendon from the house, Kalia proudly left a message for him stating, "There are a lot of things easier than rocket science, apparently getting you out of the house is one of them." With quotes like that I was going to say that Kalia should keep her day job, but then I remembered that she writes for a living...in which case she should probably quit her day job. I've probably rated her too high here, but Kalia's in power this week as the new HOH, and this game could still go either way if some of the "Newbies" unite and turn against the "Veterans" in order to try and protect themselves. 

1. Daniele - In the last three weeks Daniele has gone from first, to worst, and back to first again in my power rankings. In addition to regaining control of the house last week, it looks as if she will be maintaining that control to some degree with Kalia winning HOH this week. Seriously, if I was Daniele I would get t-shirts made up with the picture below of her estranged father "Evel Dick" on the front, and the phrase "BUT YOU CAN SUCK IT!" on the back.



The not-so Evil Dick.