Friday, April 1, 2011

ACM Award Predictions From a Guy Who Doesn't Listen to Country Music

I don't listen to country music, but that's not going to stop me from making my second annual predictions for the CMA's...I mean ACM's.

Last April I titled this blog post CMA Predictions From a Guy who Doesn't Listen to Country Music. In reality, the awards show I actually tried to predict was the ACM's. See, I didn't realize that country music had competing awards shows. The CMA's are held in November in Nashville on ABC, while the ACM's are held in April in Las Vegas and broadcast on CBS. It's a kind of an NFL/AFL, WWF/NWA, Angelina/Jennifer kind of thing.

In any event, this Sunday we are guaranteed to see the largest collection of goatees, pick-up trucks, cowboy hats, spit cups, wardrobe changes, and guys who have fucked Lorrie Morgan that the world has ever seen! Now let's get on to some predictions.

Entertainer of the Year

Jason Aldean – This guy was said to exhibit his "hip-hop influence" by rapping on his single Dirt Road Anthem, which was really just Gin and Juice for white people.

Toby Keith – The Dixie Chicks were right. They may be banned from country music forever, but they were right...even the cross-eyed one.

Miranda Lambert – Her single Only Prettier should have been titled Only Skinnier.

Brad Paisley – He would be slightly cooler if he would have chosen Art Garfunkel, Jr. as his stage name instead of "Brad Paisley."

Taylor Swift – In her song Innocent, which was directed at Kanye West, Taylor Swift wrote "Everyone of us has messed up too...I hope you remember today is never to late to be brand new." Yeah, that bitch is pretty fucking tough when Kanye West is 3000 miles away. I sure didn't see her getting all preachy when he jumped up on her stage at the Grammy's.

Keith Urban – Keith Urban is taking advantage of the ACM's being held in Las Vegas in order to cheat on Nicole Kidman with a high priced prostitute and go on a cocaine bender...again. Sadly, she was better off with Scientology.

And the winner is.....It's gotta be Jason Aldean, right? I mean, the last time I got suckered into going to the redneck bar all they did was play a mix of country and hip-hop. I also almost got thrown out by the manager for trying to stand up for an African-American guy that night, but that's a whole other story. In any event, like it or not, rap and country are slowly merging. That is the next logical step in music, right?

Top Male Vocalist of the Year

Jason Aldean – Alright, I can't quite get over a country singer rapping and proclaiming that he was influenced by hip-hop like he has invented some sort of new genre. Not only was Dirt Road Anthem the worst attempt at rapping that I've ever heard in my life, but he is merely one in a long line of rednecks who have tried to bite the style of the Smoking Armadillos and venture into the realm of "hick-hop." Seriously, somewhere in the South Bronx Afrika Bambaataa sharted himself the first time he heard Jason Aldean.

The John Deere hat and Sunset Strip t-shirt and goatee just scream "hip-hop" roots...if "hip-hop" roots means Panama City, FL

Brad Paisley – Sadly, after only two years of writing this post, I'm all out of Brad Paisley jokes.

Blake Shelton – Will be performing his new song, She has a Face that I want to log-on. Oh wait, I just made that up, but I think I could turn that into a country music hit the next time I hit Gatlinburg, TN.

Keith Urban – After Nicole Kidman finally gets enough self esteem to break up with Keith Urban, it inspires him to write a new hit song, Now I'm Singin' a Blue Song, But Livin' in a Red State. (See, I made that up too. This is too easy...I'm moving to Nashville!).

George Strait – I'm glad to see that George Straight has finally listened to the people and released the long awaited sequel to his movie Pure Country. Do I smell a Golden Globe in addition to a CMA (I mean ACM)? Seriously, if this movie doesn't go straight to video, go to your local movie theater on it's release day and look to see how many F-150's are in the parking lot with plastic nut-sacks tied around their trailer hitches. Bonus points if you take pictures of the p-whipped boys wearing cowboy hats as they walk out of the theater.

And the winner is…..Afrika Bambaataa!

Top Female Vocalist of the Year

Miranda Lambert – Is she pregnant? First Natalie Portman, now Miranda Lambert.

Reba McEntire – I find it hard to believe that she was nominated given that she hasn't put out an album since she collaborated with Huey Lewis on Sports in 1983.

Taylor Swift - Seriously, I'd love to see the look on Joe Jonas' face if he ran into Kanye West with his girlfriend Taylor Swift at an after party or on the town. As a boyfriend he's kind of obligated to stand up for her and all, but Kanye did kill his own mom...just sayin'.

Carrie Underwood – Carrie Underwood has dated Tony Romo, a Gossip Girl (sadly, it was one of the Gossip Guys), and a pro hockey player. Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you the new Alyssa Milano! Sadly, Carrie has the better Hollywood resume given that her stint on American Idol trumps anything that Milano has ever done in her career.

Lee Ann Womack – This girl needs to stop stealing husbands and start taking better acting rolls...Wait, that's Leann Rimes. Who the fuck is Lee Ann Womack again?

And the winner is.....Carrie Underwood! After all, she is the Janet Jones of the south now that she forced a star hockey player to get traded to Nashville much to the chagrin of all of Canada.

Top Vocal Group of the Year

Little Big Town – The love child of Jason Aldean's singles Hicktown and Big Green Tractor.

Zac Brown Band – Seriously, the ACM's are reaching. Just because they are from the south it doesn't mean these guys are country, are they?

Randy Rogers Band – For real, the highest rated single to date from this band is Tonight's not the Night, which reached #43 on the country charts in 2005. It makes absolutely no sense to invite them to an awards show if they have no chance of winning, right? I mean, it's not like these guys are George Clooney or Angelina Jolie or anything.

The Band Perry – After the Zac Brown and Randy Rogers Bands, these guys are either really smug or just dyslexic.

Lady Antebellum – A group named after the pre-Civil War South...Ahhh, the good ol' days! Somewhere the ghost of Alexander Stephens is humming bars to Dixie in approval of Lady Antebellum while he plots ways to haunt Jason Aldean from his grave.

And the winner is.....I'm not sure, but the smart bet says they'll have the word "band" in their title.

Top Vocal Duo of the Year

the JaneDear girls – If you take Jason Aldean's singles She's Country and Big Green Tractor and add them together, their unholy union would spawn the JaneDear girls. They're now involved in a legal battle for Jason Aldean's royaltees with Little Big Town in the event that he dies at a NASCAR race as a result of a flying tire or an overdose of meth.

Joey + Rory – American Apparel founder and CEO Dov Charney has started a T-shirt campaign to "Legalize Joey + Rory." Joey + Rory subsequently sued him for sexual harassment after he made inappropriate contact with them at a photo shoot.

Steel Magnolia – Apparently this is a group that won a TV show called Can You Duet?, which goes to show that no matter how many people move to Nashville in order to pursue a career in country music, the best way to become a famous country music star is simply by singing karaoke or entering a reality television show.

Sugarland – So a country band from the south re-made the song Life in a Northern Town? I think my northern ass doth protest.

Montgomery Gentry – Once again, a shoe in to win. They have the perfect combination of cliché song titles, cowboy hats, and goatees.


  1. At least your blog title is correct!

  2. Love this column! Your pre-awards columns are great...

  3. I am going to make you listen to Dwight Yoakum cd's until you learn to appreciate country music :)

  4. First of all Shellybell, it's Dwight Yoakam, not Yoakum. Second, I thought he was awesome in Slingblade. Third, at least one of your albums better include a particular duet with Buck Owens! See, I may not listen to country music, but I know my way around Wikipedia, and I know me some Hee-Haw!